Introducing Butters

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. I've been working late, and still passing out at night! However, before I continue, I wanted to again mention some fellow bloggers who just received bad news. I know there are countless others out there, but these are from some of the blogs that I currently follow.

Please send sticky thoughts out to JP. Her beta skyrocketed over the weekend, only to have it not double for the next test. Also, sadly, Azalea Baby's beta has now dropped.

I do feel odd posting about my situation with all the bad news going around. I guess I shouldn't, but I do.

First, thank you all for your well-wishes. I do feel better. In fact, by Tuesday morning, my fever and terrible cramps were totally gone. The only thing I had was pretty bad nausea... but not the kind that would make one throw up. I just didn't want to eat anything, which for me, is highly unusual. I wondered if it was leftover from my stomach-virus-thing or if it was a symptom! This lasted pretty much all day, plus, I still had some, (TMI) ummm....bathroom issues. However, I felt 100% better, and it didn't interfere with work, etc. Things were pretty much the same yesterday, maybe a bit better and today, I have barely any nausea. Maybe a bit. Still some, umm... bathroom issues. So... perhaps it was all related to whatever bug I had.

So anyway, ah yes, the ultrasound! Dr. M. did the ultrasound himself - I think he does all the ultrasounds once you've reached this stage. My ovaries are not overly swollen at all, which is good. That's what you all wanted to know about, right? My ovaries?

Ok - to the important part. We saw one little guy/gal in my uterus. DH and I were sad, knowing that either 'lefty' or 'righty' didn't latch on. However, that being said, I'm not complaining, and I know how lucky I am to have had one blastbaby stick!!! I absolutely realize what a miracle it is for me to be the 'p' word at all.

We were able to see the tiny sac right away. Dr. M. said it measured right on target. He then pointed out the yolk sac, and the beginning of a fetal pole, which are basically just little dots inside the sac. We were unable to detect a heartbeat, which is not unusual. Dr. M. did warn me before the ultrasound that we may not see one quite yet, and if that's the case, I shouldn't be concerned. Of course I had already scoured the Internet and knew that 5w5d was still pretty early for a heartbeat, so I was prepared. (Dr. M. actually said I was 5w4d, and I'm not quite sure why, since ER was on Jan. 25, but, whatever.)

I have of course included a picture, though you won't really see much yet, just the teensy sac.

(If you want to see some totally cool pictures, check out Rebecca's 3-D pics!)

DH and I are now referring to the little one as Butters. We came up with that because for some reason, we thought of the innocent little kid on South.Par.k named Butters, and thought if our tiny one could talk (stop laughing at me!) we imagined him/her talking like Butters - like "Hey guys, I'm trying my best to grow in here...awww gee...look, I'm growing hands!" DH also really likes the character....ok, I know that may not make much sense if you have never heard of or seen this character, and even if you do know who Butters is, it still may not make any sense! Anyway, butter is kind of sticky too, so we thought Butters was fitting.

Because we did not yet detect a heartbeat, Dr. M. wants me to stay on all of my progeste.rone (booooo!) as a precaution. That's right - the PIO shots as well as two doses of crin.one gel a day.

Right before I left, Dr. M. decided to do b/w and check my HCG level. My HCG level, as of yesterday, was 6666. I laughed when they called me with the number! The doubling time has slowed now to 2.5 days, but the nurse who called said that Dr. M. reviewed the results of the b/w and the number was fine.

So now I wait until next Tuesday, Feb. 26, for my next ultrasound. Please keep sticking, Butters.

The Last Beta!

First, please keep these bloggers in your thoughts: Swim received a negative beta - on Valentine's Day. I also found Jen's blog through Denise, and my heart is just breaking.

There is some good news out there. Azalea Baby received a whopping positive beta today - 309!!

Speaking of betas...today was my last beta - 1663. Doubling time is now 36.8 hours.
(For anyone who might randomly come across this entry, I'm 16dp5dt/21dpo)

Now I can obsess about my Feb. 20 u/s. My HCG numbers are strong, but still don't seem high enough for a twin pregnancy - and yes, I know you can't really tell by HCG numbers. But, based on the numbers at Beta Base, I am above the average for a singleton pregnancy, but no where near the average for twins. So, I'm pretty sure I have one little blastbaby growing.... unless I'm in for another surprise. (more teensy weensy balloons?)

Can you tell I want to know everything yesterday?

On another note, I have successfully given myself PIO butt shots the past two nights because DH is away on business. [Yep, he was away on Valentine's Day. I survived ;-) ] It wasn't too bad - I just stood in front of a full-length mirror, positioned the needle, and stuck it in. I am a little more sore than when DH does it for some reason.

I saw "The Bucket List" last night. I did like the movie, though I thought it dragged a bit. By the time it was over, around 9:30pm, my progesterone-stuffed body was ready to pass out! As tired as I get at night now though, I do wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Still no other symptoms other than the log-like sleeping and the bodacious ta-tas. [I know you're all just sooo curious. ;-) ]

Other random notes: Tomorrow I am going to the annual Polar Bear Plunge. That's where a bunch of insane people jump into the freezing cold ocean! I was originally going to be one of the idiots jumping in, but obviously I'm not now. I'll cheer on the sidelines with my SIL. This will be my first outing where I need to hide that I am not the 'p' word - in other words, pretend I am drinking beer at the post-plunge after party. However, since everyone knows that SIL is pregnant, she's going to help cover for me. She can buy non-alcoholic beer, since no one will question why she is ordering it, and pour it in a cup and give to me so it looks like I am drinking regular beer.

That's about it for right now.....

Beta #3 and Other Updates

We have some good and bad news out there in blogland...

First, the bad news. Poor Swim received a BFN when she POAS, but her beta is not until tomorrow. Let's all hope she gets a big surprise on Thursday.

I had my third beta today. (drum roll....)
Today's beta - 674
Doubling time is now 35.8 hours.

To recap:
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
14dp5dt - 674

I still go for yet another beta on Friday. I know you technically can't tell if you're carrying one or two little ones based on HCG numbers, but I think I just have one little guy/gal in there. By the third beta, it seems that people with multiples are getting higher numbers. I'll find out at the u/s next week, and if there is just one, I will be a little sad that lefty or righty didn't make it, but one is fine with me - I'm extremely lucky to be the 'p' word at all.

I saw Dr. M. just as I was leaving the office this morning and he asked me if I felt pregnant. I said not really, except for my, umm... expanding chest. I wanted to say, "UGH! Save me from these big progesterone boobs!" He sort of laughed and said that a lot of people tell him that, and then asked if people were calling me Dolly! Ha ha ha, real funny. Actually it is kind of funny. :) Luckily, I have some minimizer bras which I am currently stuffing myself into. My chest expands and shrinks based not just on my progesterone level, but my weight, so I also have some bras from when I weighed more that are still too big for me. So at least I can go a little while without buying bras.

I can't believe I am posting about my bras. Anyway, I did get a chance to ask Dr. M. about exercise and he said for now, I should stick to just walking (no elliptical machines or things like that yet) and that I could do upper body resistance training. I haven't been to the gym in weeks! I used to go multiple times a week and do cardio as well as a full weight workout! I think when I start doing weights again I will keep it very light - better safe than sorry.

Dr. M. also said that he doesn't like reducing any medication until after he sees a heartbeat, just to be on the safe side. I will be 5w5d for next week's u/s, and based on what I have read, I may be able to see (though not hear) a heartbeat. If I see a heartbeat, I know I'm going to just start bawling.

The only other thing I have noticed is that I'm sleeping a lot. I wake up without a problem, and am wide awake during the day, but in the evening I wind up passing out and sleeping right through until morning! Usually, if I would fall asleep super early, I'll wind up waking up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Not anymore - I'm officially sleeping log woman. It's so weird!

And lastly, I went for my first healthy pregnancy acupuncture appointment yesterday! My acupuncturist specializes in infertility - almost all of his patients are women undergoing fertility treatments. I decided to keep going because I do believe the acupuncture helped me, and I did notice changes in my body after starting acupuncture. Maybe one day I'll even talk more about that when I finally finish that acupuncture entry I've been promising to post for months! I go once a week for the first trimester, and then just a few times after that.

And yes, I stopped POAS ;-)

I Will Not Obsess, I Will Not Obsess....

I went to the 24-hour drug store early this morning (as in 5:30am because lazy me -or maybe just full-of-progesterone-me - passed out on the couch early instead of going to the drug store!) to refill my crin.one. Is/has anyone been told to take crino.ne (or prometri.um or suppositories) twice daily in ADDITION to PIO shots? Argh. I was about to start bitching about progestero.ne side effects, (I'm about to start duck taping my chest down) and decided not to because I would rather be in this position and be up to my ears in progestero.ne than the alternative. Anyhoo, I also purchased a huge bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been taking a daily multivitamin (w/ 100% RDA of folic acid) but decided to switch to the prenatals.

I felt as if I was going to jinx something by buying the BIG bottle, but told myself I was being an idiot. It's just that prior to the early morning CVS run, I of course POAS, and noticed that the line wasn't any darker than yesterday, though it wasn't lighter. Hmm.

Look at me - I've gone from pro-POAS-before-beta to anti-POAS-before-beta to Let's-POAS-every-morning-once-you-get-a-BFP.

I decided to not POAS anymore for right now. However, I am not obsessing about the lack of darkening. (lie lie lie lie) I guess the line just stops getting darker at some point - RIGHT?!?

On another note, if things continue to progress normally, (please please please) I will be due just three months after my SIL, so we'll have kids the same age. I always thought that would totally rule, though I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here.

Is it time for my next beta yet?!

My Title Creativity Got Lost Today

Obviously I can't think of a decent title for this entry.

Well, I finally received my beta number for today: 266.
Sooo....
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
Doubling time - 31.3 hours
[sigh of relief... for the moment]

I saw Dr. M. as I was going to get my blood drawn, and he smiled and said "I told you we'd get this!" I just went up to him, hugged him and said "Thank you." I think I surprised him a little.

I go back on Wednesday and Friday, so I can continue to obsess about beta numbers. My first u/s is scheduled for Feb 20, so once I'm done beta obsessing, I can obsess about the u/s.

It still feels weird to write about something besides follicle sizes or evil AF. I still almost can't believe it's real. [pinching self... *ow!*] DH of course is just thrilled and is fascinated by the darkening pee sticks each day. I bet if I told him a month or two ago that he would be gazing at little strips that I dipped in my pee, he would have thought I was nuts :)

That being said, I can't help but think of all the people in blog land who've received bad news in the past week or two. Even blogs I come across that I haven't read before seem to be laden with recent BFNs. Why can't these people get a break?

I feel strange that I am where I am right now while so many women who were cycling at the same time are having their hearts broken. This may sound odd, or as if I'm trying to get 'brownie points' (I'm not), but I feel almost guilty about posting, like I'm saying "Hey, sorry it didn't work for you, but hey, let me tell you about what's going on with ME." Now, no one has made me feel this way whatsoever. Quite the contrary, actually. And, when I was receiving BFNs every month, I didn't feel resentment towards those who had success - I was happy to read about BFPs. (I will admit that I would feel a little 'pang' in my gut and think "When will it be my turn?") So I'm not sure why I feel like I do.

I know what it feels like to have a failed cycle(s). It's awful, to say the least, and I hate that other people are experiencing those same feelings. To all who have received bad news recently... I am so sorry for your losses. It just isn't fair.

POAS and Tagging.

Oh no. More bad news in blogland. Denise received bad news today. :(

I finally responded to my tagging. I will get to that in a moment. First, I have indeed finally POAS. Three times - Friday afternoon, Sat. morning and this morning. The line is getting slightly darker each time, but just slightly. My first positive tests ever, not counting the one I took after my HCG trigger one month just so I could see a second line! I am using up my little collection of pee sticks to keep an eye on that second line, because of course I can't just relax now, I must obsess about doubling beta numbers!

It's ironic that I decided to not POAS (prior to beta) the one month when I actually would have seen something besides an ugly, white test! I still do not regret my decision not to POAS, though if I had when I woke up on Friday, my morning would have been a lot better. But before that... who knows when the line would have shown up? I am starting to think that pee sticks are laced with evil if used prior to a beta. I could have seen BFNs all week and I would have been miserable. Then there's the awful other angle... the early BFN and then the negative beta. I read Duck's blog today and she knows someone who just had that happen. How awful. I know of others who've experienced the same thing, but reading that post reminded me all over again.

On to tagging....(what a lousy transition.. someone received terrible news... oh yeah, here's stuff about me...)

I've been tagged by Azalea Baby!

Here are the rules to the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I met DH in marching band at age 14! We dated through most of high school and even through our first year of college when we were three hours apart! The next few years were 'on and off' and then totally 'off' for almost 10 years. I bumped into him a few times after that and we were on good terms. One time, I was with my then long term boyfriend and he was with his girlfriend! Found out later that both of our significant others were totally jealous, even though we barely talked to each other and had NO interest in each other 'that way' anymore! Imagine my surprise when we started hanging out again in 2003 by complete accident (too long to get into here). Then imagine my surprise when I found myself saying 'I do'!!

2. Speaking of marching band... I was totally into the high school music scene. Marching band [flute/piccolo... and NO, band camp is not like the one in "American Pie!" ;) ], orchestra, choirs, etc. I stopped playing an instrument in college but kept singing in choirs through college and into my mid 20's. Now I just sing in the shower... or karaoke some times.

3. Speaking of music... I like heavy metal, and no, not death/satanic metal! The bands I like range from ones like Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin, Godsmack, Seether (which aren't really considered 'metal' but you get the idea) to 80's hair metal! DH and I went to concerts like Skid Row, Cinderella, Motley Crue, etc. in high school. We still listen to that stuff too. It isn't unusual to find us blaring 80's metal while have a few cold ones on the weekend!

4 I'm clumsy. In fact, just this Friday, I slipped in the kitchen at work and hurt my foot. I managed to break my foot a few years ago by stepping in a hole in a parking lot, and in Dec '06, I fell down the steps on my front porch and had to have stitches above my eye! Those are just a few of my many uncoordinated moments. I am always banging into things when I'm doing things that take a lot of coordination (insert sarcasm)... like walking around.

5. I obtained 2 Master's degrees before I was 30. I wasn't a professional student - I received the first one at 22 and got the other one while working. And no, I don't think that means I'm super smart - I'm actually not. I can be somewhat ditzy and some people are surprised to find out I actually went to college ;) In fact, my high school guidance counselor didn't think I had great college potential. Ha - take that, silly counselor!

6. I run a small e-commerce business from my home, in addition to my full-time job.

It’s hard to find non-tagged people! I have tagged Swim, Egged Out, and Rebeccah
(if you have already been tagged, sorry!)

My Afternoon Surprise.

First, my heart goes out to Rebeccah and Maria. They both just received bad news. :(

I had an entry ready to go from this morning, and was just waiting for the ‘official’ word from Dr. M’s office before posting it.
The entry I had ready is no longer valid. Righty and/or Lefty decided to give me a super surprise today.

I still have not POAS. I woke up to spotting. Well, not actual spotting. (TMI alert) After peeing in a cup (for the pregnancy test) it was more of my standard jam-finger-in-hoo-ha check. At first there wasn't anything, but then there was that little bit of blood, just like every damn other month, so I dumped my cup of pee in the toilet, flushed, and cried. And yelled. And cursed. DH was already awake when I went to the bathroom and was waiting, because he knew I was going to test. I yelled "I didn't test - there's no point!" and opened the bathroom door and started my tirade, as he tried to console me. I did keep myself from punching the wall. He asked me if I wanted to take the day off from work - he said he would too (what an awesome man!) to stay with me. I said no way. I'm a contractor and if I don't go to work, I don't get paid, and I said I'll be damned if I lose any more work time and money because of this IVF cycle. We made plans to have drinks after work.

I went and had my beta at 7:30am, just so I could get the ball rolling for IVF #2. I managed to get to work without looking like I got punched in the face. I had a cup of regular coffee.

Dr. M’s office called my cell phone at 1:49pm. I was at my desk at work.

Me: "Hello."

Nurse: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: "Fine." (thinking, not fine, just tell me it's negative and what I am doing next)

Nurse: "Well, your pregnancy test was positive."

Me: "WHAT?!?? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!??!?"

I bolt from my desk and run into the hallway, where there are no people around!

I am 9dp5dt. My beta is 54. Oh please let that be an ok number.

Oh. My. God!

I am shaking.

I did not take my crino.ne or estradiol pill this morning!

I don’t know what else to say right now. I know I still have a long way to go. I'm nervous about the beta number, even though the nurse said it was fine. Does anyone have input on the beta #?

(edit: I am adding this to clarify - I know the number is supposed double within 48-72 hours... just hoping 54 is not low. Next beta is scheduled for Feb 11.)

8dp5dt - 1 Day Until Beta - Will AF Stay Away?

Today is a hard day, and not just because my beta is tomorrow. Today would be around 13dpo. Every freaking month, AF has started to show up on 13dpo. The only exception was the month of December, where AF held out one extra day, but that was an unmedicated cycle. In fact, I have only gone in for a beta twice the whole time I have been going through fertility treatments, and each time AF had already arrived but I went, just in case. I stopped bothering after the first two times, so basically, I never even make it to beta day. I don’t know if taking the extra progester.one will hold off AF, in the event I am not pg, so lack of any sign of AF today won’t mean anything. I’ll just be apprehensive every damn time I go to the bathroom today, which drives me nuts. I’ll be checking constantly. Damn it.

I still have not POAS.

I have been sleeping like a log, and having vivid dreams the past week. The dream I had last night usually would have put me into a miserable mood today. I dreamed that AF arrived, and I was devastated. I was crying so hard in my dream, I am surprised my face was dry when I woke up. In my dream, someone asked me if I was going crazy (actually it was one of the people who works at my local post office – a really nice guy – so don’t ask me how he wound up in my dream, asking about my mental state). I yelled, crying hysterically, “I just found out I can’t have children, ok?!?” I then went to see my acupuncturist who had me in a room where his family was eating dinner (? gotta love dreams). Anyway, the dream did not bother me, though I admit I was expecting to see red when I went to the bathroom this morning. Usually I would have thought the dream ‘meant something’ but it doesn’t mean squat. I know this because this past October, I had the most realistic dream imaginable. I dreamed I POAS, and saw two lines! I was so happy! I felt the emotion in my dream, and I went to wake up DH, but it was my mom in my room instead and she said DH had to go to work early (I don’t know what my mom was doing in my bedroom, but hey, it’s a dream!) so I told her and I was just so happy. I woke up happy! I told myself it was just a dream… it was 10dpo… enjoy the happy feeling of the dream. I swore I wouldn’t go POAS. Swore.

Guess what I did? That’s right, I POAS and we all know what the result was. I was a mess until AF arrived. Therefore, I know dreams don’t indicate anything because if they did, I would have been pregnant in October. So there. :-P Oh, and I just looked back at older blog entries.. I forgot I had another '2 line dream' at 8dpiui this past September! So maybe the dream last night means I am pregnant. Hahahahahaha.

I don’t know how I am going to concentrate today. I decided that stuffing my face with the bagels someone brought in this morning would be a good way to keep my mind off things. I am already on bagel number 2!

Lefty, Righty, please be getting your balloons ready…..

6dp5dt - No POAS For Me

First, I was very sad to read that egged out and Elizabeth received bad news this week. :(

No news on this end...I was going to POAS this morning, and totally chickened out. I have decided to not POAS until the morning of my beta... that is, if AF doesn't show up before then. The evil witch usually arrives the day before my beta - not fully, just enough to at least save me the trip to the Dr.'s office the next day. However, AF may hold off because of the 3x extra progester.one. Anyway, I thought about it and realized that a negative result would just make me absolutely miserable. I keep thinking that I'll test and be ok, and just tell myself that it was too early, that the test could be wrong, blah blah blah, but I know differently. Not once have I POAS without being reduced to a puddle of emotional mush. I even changed my vote to 'No' on Denise's blog.

At first, I felt that POAS could possibly give me the joy of an early positive (if a miracle happens - sometimes I can't believe I will ever see two lines) and that a negative would help prepare me mentally a little. Who am I kidding? A BFN never prepared me for sh*t! It just made me miserable longer. I wasn't any less miserable when AF arrived because as miserable as I was, I still had that teeny bit of hope.

I like being informed and I hate having any false hope, which is why I always used to POAS and was planning to this month. I still have nine fresh tests, just waiting for me. However, I know a BFN won't keep me from having false hope - I'll just have false hope and be miserable too. I'll give up the possibility of having a few extra days of joy from an early BFP to avoid how I feel after a BFN.

I know it may sound like I am expecting a BFN... I am trying not to. I'm just looking at my history. With my luck, it will be the same sh*t (BFN), different day, except that now my situation is really going to be a puzzle to Dr. M. And speaking of false hope - I hate hate hate hate having hope, only to have it crushed - and that's all I've had from the beginning because (broken record alert) no one can find a damn thing wrong, anywhere.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...... positive, oh... Y*!%&~$~%#~%#

Anyway, I have been tagged! That means I can take my mind off all this and work on that post.

I do not feel pregnant at all. I hope Lefty and Righty are just staying very quiet in order to surprise me on Friday.

5dp5dt - May I Go Insane Now?

I went for bloodwork this morning for E2 and P4 levels. (Estrad.iol and progester.one) These are my numbers:

E2 - 418
P4 - 45

This means I am pregnant, right?! Just kidding.

The nurse who called said Dr. M. said the levels were good and to keep taking all my estrad.iol pills and icky progester.one. I don't know alot about these levels, but from what I sort of know from reading, they are ok, but don't really tell me anything. (ie, these aren't 'Oh my GOD your PG!!' levels) Anyone have more insight/info?

Anyway, I'm hungry all the time it seems. Step AWAY from the food, damn it! No, I do not think this is a pregnancy sign, it just means I am taking evil progester.one.

I am scared to POAS. I actually did POAS 3dp5dt to verify that the HCG shot was gone, and it was. I knew it was too early for anything to show unless one blast divided and I was carrying triplets! I still hated having that test scream "NEGATIVE!!!" at me though. Yes, my tests are special and come with the added benefit of screaming the results at me.

Anyway, now I have 9 tests left, and am scared that a negative, even though it is still a little early, is going to make me go hysterical. DH said I should try tomorrow morning. I still may chicken out.

We interrupt this IF blog for a quick football update:
First - wow, the GIANTS won the Super.bowl?!? I know rebecca is happy :) DH, my SIL and I were actually rooting for the Giants at the end and we don't even like the Giants! (Can't help it - we're Eagles fans) However, we're all sick of the Patriots so at first we just kept rooting for whoever was on defense! Then for some reason we just started cheering for the Giants at the end of the 4th quarter, probably because they were the underdogs. We kept saying "I can't believe we're rooting for the Giants!" Ha ha - sorry Brady!

No one noticed I drank only seltzer last night. :) Since I often drink water along with beer (the whole hydration thing) it wasn't odd for me to have water in front of me. Plus, we made sure there were beer bottles around me, and DH and my SIL helped cover for me. (did I mention that SIL is pregnant?)

Lefty, Righty? Please, please still be there.

4dp5dt - Creeping Thoughts

The thoughts are creeping in… you know… THOSE thoughts.

I’ve been pretty happy since the egg retrieval, because things went so well (other than being a little disappointed that we didn’t have any blasts to freeze.) But now, at 4dp5dt, I’m scared.

I’m scared that this did not work. If I can’t hold on to at least one of two awesome little blasts... then what?? I feel like this cycle will end like all others - “Oh, everything looks so GREAT! Blah blah blah…..oh wow, you’re not pregnant… gee… that doesn’t make any sense.” I am sick and tired of things not making sense and all of this damn progester.one is not helping!

I’m trying to figure out if whining like this in my blog will get it out of my system so then I can go back to feeling positive. I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I? I’ll be the first one to post in someone else’s blog, “It’s still early – don’t give up yet!” Now look at me! Do as I say, not as I blog, I guess.

I should be posting about the get-together I had with a group of people I used to work with last night – it was fun, and no one asked when we were going to have kids. (None of them know about my fertility treatments) I think people know at this point that it isn’t something they should be asking – smart people! They used to ask a while back, before we knew the extent of our fertility issues, so we just said we were trying. Now they just don’t ask. Plus, luckily, there was not one drop of alcohol around, which is usually not the case, so I didn’t have anyone wondering why I wasn’t even having one glass of wine! It was a perfect get together for a 3dp5dt gal! Now, tonight’s Superb.owl will be another issue as far as alcohol goes, but I think it will be pretty easy – I’ll just have a beer in front of my all the time, and with the number of people there, I don’t think anyone will notice much. Plus, I know DH will help cover for me.

Now back to our regularly scheduled whining. Wah wah wah. I’m hungry. I'm thirsty - been drinking so much water that I'm surprised I'm not floating. I’m tired, my clothes don’t fit, I’m not going to the gym (I was told not to) which is probably why my clothes don’t fit - and I wouldn’t care about all that if I was pregnant! I swear I am not a selfish beeatch who only cares about her waistline. But I know I am feeling like this because of all the progester.one pumping through my body. Even if I am pregnant, it would be too early to have these symptoms. So feeling like this just pisses me off - plus the fact that I felt very heavy and crampy Thurs. and especially Fri. (1d and 2dp5dt) Now I feel nothing. That’s like having crampy feelings around 6-7dpo. And guess what? I have had that before, and then it went away - and it always ended with a BFN. F**k!!!

I started crying a little this morning (and immediately stopped because I know that wouldn’t be good for me or any little blasts that could be hanging around) which frustrated DH because he can’t stand it when I start feeling negatively. I’m trying to be positive, I really really am.

*SIGH* Lefty, Righty? Are you still there?

2dp5dt - A Post About Nothing

Today I turned 37.

Everyone send me candy. ;-) I usually would say to send wine, but that's a huge no-no!

If this IVF works, can I say I became pregnant at age 36?

I am so full of progesteron.e right now, I'm surprised it isn't oozing out my pores. PIO shot at night, and crinon.e gel every morning and evening. (I mistakenly referred to crinon.e as proges. suppositories in an earlier post) My ta-ta's are big (blech) and sore, as they usually are with extra progesteron.e, except now it's X3. The most I ever took before was one crinon.e at night. Anyway, on the bright side, all the hormones I'm pumping into myself will keep me from analyzing symptoms, since I wouldn't know if any 'symptom' was due to proges. or ... something else.

I just wrote a mini-rant about insurance in another blog's comments area. Reminds me that I really need to write about my ridiculous insurance experience with regards to fertility benefits. It will be a long post. Basically, insurance companies will lie to you about your benefits in hopes that you won't investigate further, and they can get out of providing the coverage you pay for!

For those who have seen the movie 'Clerks' - is it just me who can't help but think of a certain scene when you hear '37'?

This was officially a post about nothing.

My Embryos are Home

Thank you all for your well-wishes! Sorry for not posting sooner about yesterday's transfer. I'll get into the details in a moment, but in summary, everything went fine, and I have two little blastocysts tucked away inside me. The embryologist said that the quality of both was great.

Right now I am calling them Lefty and Righty, based on where they are in the photo of them that Dr. M. gave me. (no, nothing to do with politics!) Both were graded as 3AA (!), but Righty was graded a little higher, as almost a 4AA. Apparently, the number indicates the stage they are in and the letters have to do with the cells and how tight they are, etc.

Apparently, the ones that were not at the four cell stage on day 2 stopped growing, but six continued to grow. When I walked out of the changing area, the embryologist was talking to Dr. M. and I heard her say that they had these two really good ones, but one (must have been little Righty) was just so perfect... then I heard these words: "The other four (something something something).. so they probably won't make it to freezing."

That was the one time yesterday that my heart dropped. The four they weren't implanting wouldn't 'make it' to freezing? Why couldn't they freeze them right now?! DH was right there and even though he couldn't see my face, he must have known how I felt because he quickly started touching my back, telling me it would be ok. He told me later that he felt exactly as I did when he heard we probably would lose our other four. I tried not let my emotions show on my face, but I guess I didn't do a very good job because Dr. M. looked at me and asked if I was ok. I said yes, it was just that, you know, the other four won't make it... I didn't want to sound like an idiot - I mean, they were going to transfer two great blasts. I understand a little better now, after talking to Dr. M. and reading more about blastocyst transfers. At that moment though, I wanted to make sure that they were still doing everything possible to take care of the other four since I had made it clear that under no circumstance did I want any of them destroyed. Dr. M., awesome as always, was more than happy to talk with me and answer questions yesterday. He also said that only 15% of his patients usually have embryos make it to the blastocyst stage and that my odds of achieving a pregnancy are now much higher. Oh pleeeaaaseee let that be the case.

Dr. M's office just called and as expected, none of the remaining four made it. They weren't quite far enough along yet to freeze and they had to let them grow another day, but they did not continue to grow.

Ok, so I just rambled on about the non-freeze way too long, didn't I? I hope my ramble doesn't make it seem like I don't realize how lucky I am at this moment. I AM excited and happy - for the first time in my life, I am technically, well, pregnant - I mean, I know I'm not until they implant, but this is the closest I have ever been!

I had acupuncture before and after the transfer, and I managed not to wet myself as I lay there with my big, full bladder! I went home and lay on the couch all day. Since I wasn't supposed to go back to work, and all I do is sit on my butt in front of a PC at work, I decided that if I went home and sat on my butt in front of a PC, it would be like being at work! So I just sprawled out and watched cable.

I must cut this post a little short because I am at work. Yes, I know - at work?! Wait! Hang on! Dr. M. would be ok to go to work if I wanted to. Remember -I sit on my butt all day, and I am not stressed at work at the moment, so I'm fine. Plus I work less than 10 minutes from my house, so if I feel like anything is wrong, I'm outta here! I'm on the fourth floor and usually take the stairs, but for now, I'm elevator girl.

Start sticking little ones! That means both of you! Don't get lazy on me now - I am already attached to you both, so I need you both to attach to ME!

Meeting My Embryos

I finally get to meet my embryos at 12:15pm on Wednesday, Jan. 30. I don’t have to be there until noon, but was told to start drinking water around 10:30am, etc etc…. and that I wasn’t allowed to pee after 11am. Argh. I did have some practice back in December, because I had to do the same thing for the mock transfer. Has anyone else done that? I had to arrive with a full bladder, and they run through the procedure (except there are no embryos, obviously). Dr. M. said they do this so they have a good idea ahead of time what my uterus is like and how things should be positioned.

I will actually arrive at the office early, around 11:30am, to meet my acupuncturist. He meets IVF patients at the place of the transfer and gives a half hour session right before and right after transfer. Now that’s cool. I know studies show that the IVF success rate is higher when patients receive treatment on transfer day. I’m doing anything to make sure these little guys/gals stick!

I was hoping that when I found out my transfer time today, I would also receive another embryo update, but I guess I won’t hear anything else until that day. I wonder how they are progressing. My acupuncturist has done treatments at my Dr. M’s office before (it was Dr. M. who recommended him) and he was pretty sure that we would receive a picture of the embryo(s) transferred. Good! I am planning on transferring two – I can’t imagine that at my age, they would hold me to one, at least I hope not.

May I gush about Dr. M. for a moment? I have to say I really lucked out. Well, I guess it wasn’t all luck – I did go to him because he was highly recommended. He owns his own practice so it’s just him – he is the only doctor I see. He does the ultrasounds two days out of the week when the ultrasound assistant isn’t there, and he always does the IUIs. I have seen him every single time I have been to the office, and was able to have the egg retrieval right at the office. He recently moved to this new complex, about six months before I started seeing him. I found out he had it built specifically for his practice, which is why the mini operating room for the retrieval and the lab are right in that same building. I didn’t think much about some of these things until I’ve read some descriptions of some other REs and I realized how fortunate I am. Plus he’s close to my home and office. I am trying to look at all the positive things that have happened through this whole experience and appreciate them, rather than look at just the negatives.... like all my negative pregnancy tests. (ha ha ha)

Speaking of pregnancy tests... my 10 tests arrived this week from Early Pregnancy Tests. You can't beat the price - I got 10 tests for $10.49, which includes shipping. Yes, I admit, I plan on testing before my beta on Feb. 8. I don't plan on testing 10 times, and I will not test if I think I will freak if it's negative. I may wind up not testing because I may chicken out. I guess we'll see.

Keep growing, little ones!

Blast Transfer!!!

Dr. M. called this morning. His exact words were that at least 9 out of the 10 are still growing. 9! Out of the 9, 5 or 6 embabies are 4 or more cells, so, he wants to let all of them continue to grow and do a 5 day transfer on Jan. 30. He said they usually only do a blastocyst transfer if there are at least four embies at 4 cells on day 2. Dr. M. said this was a great cycle, and that he thought my chances of pregnancy just went from 30% to 50%. I’ll get a call some time Monday with another embryo update and to set up the exact time for Wednesday.

I can’t help but be excited, but I realize that even though these numbers are good so far, that doesn’t guarantee implantation or a pregnancy. And even if I do achieve a pregnancy, that doesn’t mean it will be a full-term pregnancy. Trust me, I’ve read too many heartbreaking IF stories not to be fully aware of what can happen.

Again, I still can’t help feeling happy right now. Yes, I know it’s too early to be excited, but this is the farthest I have ever gotten (as far as I know) in the whole procreation game. On paper DH and look perfectly fertile. Up until now I had no idea what was wrong - for all I knew my eggs really sucked. Whatever was keeping me from getting pregnant is still unknown, but I think I may have narrowed it down to two – well, three - possibilities. It’s incredibly stupid for me to speculate like this, but I’ll do it anyway!

My Silly Infertility Speculations:

1. Tubes. While my HSG was fine, there could be another issue that didn’t show on that test. Mild endo that just didn’t show on the billions of ultrasounds? Possibly a defect in the fallopian tube cilia? Ciliary motion is an important factor in normal ovum transport. (yes, I copied that line from another web site!)

2. Problem with my uterine lining/I can’t carry a pregnancy. See, I don’t know if an egg has ever been fertilized within my body. Sooo… I don’t know if any little embies tried to implant but couldn’t because my uterus sucks.

3. Nothing – just some odd imbalance in my system that threw things out of wack just enough to keep me from getting pregnant. This was one of the reasons I started, and have continued acupuncture.

Out of the three silly speculations, obviously #2 would be my nightmare. IVF isn’t going to get around a sucky uterus.

Is it silly to be so happy so early? DH and I are just so excited that as of right now, we actually managed to create something! I do feel a little ridiculous – I mean, fertile people wouldn’t get excited over this. They can just create embryos every month! And I should know better… since day 1 of this infertility journey, it’s always been good news… until the day evil AF arrives. Good SA. Good follies. O’ing with no meds. Good news, good news… awww… look, a stark white pregnancy test, oh, and guess what, AF just showed up! This could happen all over again… look, awesome ebryos…transfer was perfect…. awww… look, a stark white pregnancy test… etc.

I will still remain positive. I’ve had cycles where I have felt totally negative, and some where I have felt very positive, and while the result has so far been the same, I do believe positive energy can only help, as corny as that seems. So I will remain silly, corny and positive. Keep growing little ones!

My Egg-citing Day.

Thanks to everyone who played 'Guess the Eggs' from my previous post. Congratulations to Duck - she guessed correctly! They retrieved a total of 12 eggs!! I was truly amazed, considering my follie sizes on Wednesday. I was then immediately curious as to how many might actually fertilize, but tried to put it out of my mind so I didn't go nuts.

Well, my fertilization answer came this morning.... 10! TEN!! DH and I started jumping up and down and high-fiving when that phone call came. Now the next step... will they continue to grow? I'll know tomorrow, but as of right now, we have 10 little ones. I can't believe it. Since I have never been pregnant for one second in my entire life, I really thought there could be an egg/fertilization issue. I know the numbers can still change a lot, but I am still happy about the initial results.

Anyway, the egg retrieval yesterday was actually much easier than I anticipated. I actually could have gone into work, but decided to just take the day. I didn't post yesterday because I got involved in doing things around the house that I just usually don't have time for during the week, making phone calls (you know, the kind where you have to wait on hold for 15 minutes and speak to 3 different people - a real pain to do during work), etc. Then DH and I went out to dinner to celebrate our dozen eggs.

So, for the retrieval, DH and I arrived at 6:30am at RE's office (I shall now refer to my RE as Dr. M. I decided he is cool enough - a while ago - to get a title besides the generic 'My RE'.) Anyway, I just had to fill out the paperwork for the anesthesiologist, pay for the anesthesiologist, and then I was taken to another room. DH asked if he could go along but that's when I had to get prepped and he had to stay in the waiting area.

'Prepped' was basically just taking off my clothes, putting them in a locker, putting on a gown, hair net thing, and booties, and going to the bathroom one last time. I walked out of the locker room/prep area and sat down for a minute, and then just a few minutes later went into what looked like a mini operating room. There was a square opening on one wall, and you could see into the lab area on the other side. They told me that after they retrieve the eggs, they hand them over to the lab, right through that opening. Pretty cool. I then lay on the table while they hooked up up to monitors and an IV, and then put little tubes in my nose. I then received some very nice drugs that made me feel pretty mellow and happy. :-) I schooched down and my legs were propped up in something like a stirrup, except my calves actually lay on the contraption instead of my heels. I remember looking up at the ceiling, and then the next thing I knew, I was being helped up off the table.

I was assisted into the recovery area, which was actually the first area I sat down in after changing before the procedure. They commented on how well I was walking. I felt a little 'out of it' but not too bad. This was about 7:25am, because DH looked at the clock - just as I was sitting down in the recovery area and putting my legs up in what felt like the kind of recliner I wouldn't mind sitting in all the time at home. He only peeked in for a moment because he was being led into the 'sample room.' I guess they wait to make sure they actually get eggs before they have him do anything else. Poor DH - I can't imagine having to do that right there at the office! Our IUI samples were always done at home because the office is so close.

As I was sitting there, before DH came back in, they told me how many eggs they retrieved and I would have jumped if I still wasn't a little woozy! Then DH came in and I have to say, I felt pretty ok. Maybe slightly 'out of it' but not bad at all. I then asked the IVF coordinator to review the PIO shot procedure with DH. Then, by 7:50am, I was leaving the office! They didn't rush me at all, I could have stayed longer but I felt fine. They did say that I recovered faster than most people. Dr. M did say before I left that I was to stay out of the gym! Believe it or not, he goes to the same gym as I do and I have bumped into him before! Oh darn, I have a valid excuse to not exercise. ;-)

I felt rather crampy the rest of the day and took some Tylenol. Actually, the worst pain was in my throat! They mentioned before retrieval that I would be breathing on my own, but maybe they put a tube down your throat anyway once you are unconscious? I tell you, my throat just felt scratchy and dry all day. I can still feel a little bit, over 24 hours later. However, I actually couldn't believe that I felt find except for the crampiness and sore throat. I guess about 1pm yesterday I suddenly became very tired and zoned out for about an hour. Then the phone rang and I felt fine again.

When I went to change later to go out to dinner, I noticed something else - thank goodness Dr. M. told me about this in advance. My post retrieval puffy middle! My pants were super tight around my waist - my abdomen was (and still is!) as puffy as can be! I was pretty bloated before retrieval, and Dr. M. told me not to be alarmed if I became bigger in the days following the retrieval. In fact, he said some people feel like they need to wear maternity clothes! Now, that's a bit of an exaggeration but I'm certainly not going to be wearing anything that's form fitting around my middle this weekend, and elastic waistbands are my best friends right now. I probably sound incredibly vain, but I'm not - and I'm not complaining - I just get ancy sometimes because I have struggled with weight my whole life. While I am currently not overweight, (I am a lifetime Weight Watchers member - yes, the program does work!) it's a constant battle (thus me going to the gym a lot and bumping into Dr. M.) which makes me more conscious of my puffy middle, especially since that is one of the main places where my fat decides to hang out. Trust me though, I'll be loving my big middle when it's related to pregnancy!

I think DH was more nervous about the PIO shot than I was. I got the needle ready last night and told him not to worry - just stick it in! I was surprised how little it hurt. The shots I had to give myself in my actually stomach hurt more. I start proges. suppositories tonight, and I have to use those twice day, and have the PIO shot every night. (and I thought taking less than half this amount of proges was bad - hoo boy, this is going to be fun!) I am also taking Doxc.ycline, Eastra.diol and Me.drol.

I find out tomorrow how our embies are doing, and will find out if it will be a 3 day transfer (Monday) or if things look good enough for a 5 day transfer (Wednesday). Dr. M. said they only freeze 5 day embies and I really hope to have some to freeze. Now it's time to wait for the next phone call..... is it Sunday yet?!?!

Guess How Many Eggs

I triggered last night at 7:04pm exactly, and I am supposed to be at my RE's office at 6:30am tomorrow.

Ok, let's make this fun! I have no idea how many eggs they'll get tomorrow. I've read some blogs where they're getting 16-20 eggs and I'm jealous! :-) I had 16 follies as of yesterday, but only half, at most, will probably be mature.

I am guessing they will get seven eggs, which may be a little too optimistic, but that's my guess! So... how many eggs do YOU think they'll get? Don't be afraid to post a low number. This is just for fun!

My Eggs are Ready

I had an appointment with my RE yesterday and today. I didn't write down my follicle sizes yesterday. My estrogen level was skyrocketing so I was told to actually decrease the amount of Breve.lle I took last night. This morning, the follicles sizes were:

Right: 19, 18, 16, 16, 15, 15, 13, 9, 7, 6mm

Left: 17, 13, 11, 9, 8, 6mm

Gee, looks like my left side decided not to do sh*t the past two days! Only one follicle really grew! Hrmph. I was rather disappointed in the growth on the left ovary, but my RE was pretty enthusiastic and said that this was a great cycle and that I would be ready for my HCG trigger tonight and they would retrieve eggs Friday morning. I'm still feeling less than thrilled - out of 16 follicles, it looks like I may get at the most, 7 eggs.... 8 if I am super lucky and one of the 13's grow a little before my HCG shot this evening and produce a mature egg. I know it's technically possible to have a mature egg in a 14mm follicle, but it's not that likely.

I really expected the left side to have 3 or 4 mature follies by this point. I've been taking injections since Jan 11 (and oh boy, does my abdomen feel it! My pants are tight!!) So now I wonder... at most 7 eggs, usually they don't all fertilize, so let's say I'm lucky and at least 5 do, but then only 2 or 3 embryos grow...I guess I can't really think about that. I still don't know if my eggs will even fertilize! I will be on pins and needles until Saturday morning.

I was told that I will probably get to my RE's office (they do everything right there, which is nice) around 6am, but they would call me with an exact time later today after they speak to the anesthesiologist and get the results of this morning's blood work. My RE said that I should not plan on going to work at all on Friday, even though I should be on my way home by 8:30am. I thought perhaps I could make it in for half a day, but decided to just let people at work know that I won't be in on Friday. I told them I was having a minor surgical procedure - obviously I am not saying exactly what is going on. Luckily I have been able to get to my appointments each morning and be back within an hour and I just don't take a lunch break. Sometimes I don't think people notice I am gone... thank goodness my job is flexible, and I work in a cubicle :) So, I don't think anyone realizes that I have been to the Dr. every single day this week!

Of course, people might notice if I start writing long blog entries instead of finding software bugs! More later!

IVF - My Partying Follies

I am so mad that Green Bay lost yesterday :-( Dang it. I was really REALLY hoping they would win – I didn’t think the Giants (UGH!) would beat them. When the Giant’s kicker missed the easy field goal to put the game into overtime, I literally jumped onto DH, screaming happily. The entire bar was going nuts since most were rooting for GB. Obviously, that joy was short lived… and if you didn’t watch the game, you’re probably wondering what the hell I am talking about.
Oh wait, this isn’t a football blog, is it?

I really can’t figure out why I have not been into the good ol’ blogging thang recently. You would think I’d be posting daily since I’ve entered the world of IVF.

Here’s the quick and dirty update: I’ve been on Brave.lle and Mena.pur since January 11. Started at 300 amps of Brave.lle, and have been upped to 450. Mena.pur has stayed at 150 amps. Just started Ganirel.ix this Saturday.

Follicle growth has been a little slower than I expected. As of last Friday (Jan. 18) I had about 13 follicles but the biggest was only 10. My left ovary has been taking a break too – only four on the left side. This happened on my last medicated cycle in November ’07 – all the follies were on the right. And, when my RE checked my follies during the IVF mock transfer in December (no meds) the one follicle was on the right. (yes, natural ovulation!) Prior to that, the left side was keeping up with the right. While my RE says nothing indicates that my age has affected things at this point, I have to wonder, as my 37th birthday approaches, if things are slowing down. Grrrr.


Anyway, my lower abdomen just started getting rather bloated over the weekend, and I thought that I had better see a big follicle party going on at my checkup today. Well, it seems as if there really was a party going on because I now have 16 follicles. The sizes are as follows:

Right:15, 15, 13, 12, 10, 10, 10, 10, 7, 6

Left: 13, 13, 11, 9, 6, 5

Even my lefty follies were partying this weekend! Obviously, the 5 and 6 ones probably won’t be mature by retrieval day. My RE still wanted to move things along which is why my Brave.lle injection was increased. I go back tomorrow, and egg retrieval is probably going to be Friday, possibly Saturday depending on how fast the follies plan on growing.

I made it clear to my RE at the beginning of this cycle that I would really like to have embryos to freeze if possible. I have no idea if I can carry a pregnancy and I would really like some frosties in case this first round does not work. And if things do work this time…. then we can try and have more kids without another full IVF cycle.

I am extremely curious to see how my eggs fertilize. Since my condition is completely unexplained, and I have never been pregnant for even one second, I don’t know if my eggs just don’t fertilize, or they do fertilize but just don’t implant.

I was very upset when AF arrived right before the New Year and I knew I was about embark on IVF. I’ve since gotten over that and accepted things. I visit my RE again tomorrow.

The Witch Has Arrived

AF arrived - one day later than usual - just enough to give me hope. How stupid of me to be hopeful. I guess it seems odd to think that I would get pregnant unassisted this month (except for progesterone support) but since I ovulate normally, I figured it was possible. Now I start BC pills to gear up for IVF.

I am so pissed off for so many reasons at the moment that I don't have anything else to say right now (though I am almost done the post about acupuncture which I kept promising to write!)

I am off to watch my football team play their last game of the season (they didn't make the playoffs) and try not to start crying suddenly (which has been happening all morning) and get salty tears in my beer.