Tuesday, February 5, 2008

6dp5dt - No POAS For Me

First, I was very sad to read that egged out and Elizabeth received bad news this week. :(

No news on this end...I was going to POAS this morning, and totally chickened out. I have decided to not POAS until the morning of my beta... that is, if AF doesn't show up before then. The evil witch usually arrives the day before my beta - not fully, just enough to at least save me the trip to the Dr.'s office the next day. However, AF may hold off because of the 3x extra progester.one. Anyway, I thought about it and realized that a negative result would just make me absolutely miserable. I keep thinking that I'll test and be ok, and just tell myself that it was too early, that the test could be wrong, blah blah blah, but I know differently. Not once have I POAS without being reduced to a puddle of emotional mush. I even changed my vote to 'No' on Denise's blog.

At first, I felt that POAS could possibly give me the joy of an early positive (if a miracle happens - sometimes I can't believe I will ever see two lines) and that a negative would help prepare me mentally a little. Who am I kidding? A BFN never prepared me for sh*t! It just made me miserable longer. I wasn't any less miserable when AF arrived because as miserable as I was, I still had that teeny bit of hope.

I like being informed and I hate having any false hope, which is why I always used to POAS and was planning to this month. I still have nine fresh tests, just waiting for me. However, I know a BFN won't keep me from having false hope - I'll just have false hope and be miserable too. I'll give up the possibility of having a few extra days of joy from an early BFP to avoid how I feel after a BFN.

I know it may sound like I am expecting a BFN... I am trying not to. I'm just looking at my history. With my luck, it will be the same sh*t (BFN), different day, except that now my situation is really going to be a puzzle to Dr. M. And speaking of false hope - I hate hate hate hate having hope, only to have it crushed - and that's all I've had from the beginning because (broken record alert) no one can find a damn thing wrong, anywhere.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...... positive, oh... Y*!%&~$~%#~%#

Anyway, I have been tagged! That means I can take my mind off all this and work on that post.

I do not feel pregnant at all. I hope Lefty and Righty are just staying very quiet in order to surprise me on Friday.

7 comments:

Wordgirl said...

Oh..I will be thinking of you...say what you want but I have a good feeling this cycle -- there are lots of encouraging stories around!


Pam

Egged Out said...

If you can wait until beta day, you are a stronger woman that I am. I'm hoping for the best for you - IVF is much different than IUI and that makes all the difference. I really really really hope you get a BFP (and on your first poas). You know I poased about 7 times, all negative. It was depressing all seven times. It never go easier. And then I went in for my beta anyway (I'm a glutton for punishment). I told the cna that I was pretty sure it was negative and she asked if I had taken a home pregnancy test. I said yes but of course I couldn't admit that I had taken 7!! That must seem crazy to anyone but us infertiles. Stay strong and keep positive. You have a great chance this cycle. Lefty and Righty - hang in there!!

Optimistic said...

I so hope you get a BFP this time around! Sending positive thoughts your way!!! I'm sure at this point you are going crazy - but only a few more days to go. Crossing fingers for ya

Rebeccah said...

Atta girl! Way to stay strong! Hope is a wonderful thing, and should be encouraged at all costs. I'm sure that you're absolutely right about L&R's surprise party. I can just picture them blowing up teensy weensy little balloons ...

Denise said...

Ha! Teensy weensy balloons...Rebeccah's funny.

I think I'm officially convinced to NOT POAS. I haven't said so on my posts yet, but I'm just too scared. It definitely helps that I have no tests in the house at the moment because I can just be lazy and not buy any. I may feel differently come Saturday when I'm not at work all day. All the comments and reading everyone else's logic really helped though.

Hang in there. I'm really hoping you get some good news Friday.

Maria said...

I really hope you get your BFP! I totally feel the same way about. I hate having hope and then having it crushed. But take it from me, don't poas till absolutely necessary. They are evil and mean and totally ruined my day yesterday!

Duck said...

Don't worry about your track record of BFN on iui's, iui's are cr*p, in my humble opinion, and your doing ivf this time, it's the big guns, it will work. You're almost there :)