Sunday, February 24, 2008

Still Trying To Believe

I think many, if not most people, who have dealt with IF, go through some of the feelings I am currently having. I'm referring to the '"I can't believe this could actually work.... and for some reason I don't feel pregnant at all and I think something is wrong and I won't see a heartbeat on the next u/s.... etc etc etc." DH is very excited about our next u/s, and so am I, but I am more worried than excited. Technically, I have no reason to be worried - I don't have spotting, I don't have weird cramps... but I know what can happen. I've read countless, heartbreaking stories about finally achieving a pregnancy, only to have it end at six, seven, eight, nine weeks, and later.

I thing we (those in the IF world) get these feelings because we just can't believe that after all the bullsh** we've dealt with (and I admit I have had to deal with less than a lot of people) that we'll actually just have your normal, everyday pregnancy! Then factor in all of the awareness we have of what can go wrong... and I must admit, it does seem that many people going through fertility treatments still get a raw deal, even when they receive that elusive BFP. I mentioned this to someone, who reminded me that if a person isn't going through a difficult time, she wouldn't be writing an IF blog, so I'm going to be reading a higher percentage of 'bad luck' cases. That's true to some extent BUT, most of these blogs were started prior to any type of pregnancy loss. It just seems that many who struggle to get pregnant get an added 'up yours' from the evil IF spirits once they do see that extra line.

So while I am not stressing myself out over this (stress is bad, mmmmkay?) I'm very nervous, to say the least, and it's showing in my mood. I know DH is wondering why I've suddenly become a snappy, irritable beeatch this weekend. I could blame the progest.erone (I know it doesn't help!) but prior to me starting to worry about the next u/s, I was in a pretty awesome mood, even while stuffing myself with obscene amounts of progest.erone.

I wish I still felt nauseas, but I don't. I guess everything last week was still related to whatever virus I had. I feel fine. Perfectly fine. If I felt nauseas, I would actually feel better. Oh, isn't IF wonderful! We pray to feel like cr*p so we have a sign that we're still pregnant!

I know Tuesday's u/s is just one step on the 'worry staircase' and I can't sit around and agonize about every next appointment. I do think I will feel much better once I reach (please!!) the 12 week mark. Obviously that's still no guarantee of anything, and there are plenty of other things that could happen, but I think it may help.

People who know me IRL would probably say that I'm just being a pessimist - I do have that tendency. But I'm really not, it's just hard not to be concerned due to.... (see above points).

Can someone just wake me up in October?


Fertilize Me said...

I have been there! (and someone times currently still there) in that worry/anxious state. I have absolutely no advice -It's not a fun place to be - just know you are not alone in these feelings and I think you are right - its kind of a norm for us (if'er) no matter what - there is no psin olympics, just different struggles- Hang in there. Thank 's for the well wishes can't wait to return the favor!

Springroll said...

Just wanted you to know that I have been following your blog - congratulations a million times over!! - and you inspired me to start my own. I can only imagine the trepidation that you are experiencing right now - it doesn't seem fair, does it? Why does it seem like other pg women prance around merrily, buying up a storm at baby boutiques, while those of us who has suffered with infertility have to live in fear for the first few months?
I am sending you my best wishes for a happy, healthy pregnancy!
Good luck! :)

Denise said...

I've never been where you are, but I think I'm probably reading about my future. I mentioned this briefly to our therapist and she agreed that many women who go through IF struggle with these fears throughout their pregnancy. You've been through so much and worked so hard to get to where you are that it is natural to just worry that the cards will all come crashing down.

Her advice was to just take one step at a time. Of course, that step for me is getting pregnant in the first place. But I think it is good advice for where you are at too. One step at a time.

Optimistic said...

I have the exact same feelings. It's so not fair that we can't just "let it go" and be happy. We have to live our pregnancy u/s to u/s, living in a state of fear. I hear exactly what you are saying..

Anonymous said...

I'm 9dp5dt today and your blog is helping keep my sanity!
I pray to feel sick or have sore boobs or I google 9dp5dt to see what other women's symptoms are. Even my 10 HPTs may be teasing me.
I look forward to reading more!
Thank you!! :)

Rebecca said...

I'm right there with you...100%. I love that we have to look for some sort of pain to convince us that something good is finally happening.

Anonymous said...

How did your ultrasound go? I hear you about the worrying and wondering if it's gonna last. Everytime I have a negative thought pop in my head, I replace it with a positive one. Can't wait to hear your update!

Alisa said...

I hope everything went well with your ultrasound on Wednesday. I've been anxiously rechecking to hear the results.

heather said...

I hope you had a great u/s yesterday.
and i compltely understand the worrying & stressing. I try not to, but it's impossible.
heather (salt&pickles))