Still Trying To Believe

I think many, if not most people, who have dealt with IF, go through some of the feelings I am currently having. I'm referring to the '"I can't believe this could actually work.... and for some reason I don't feel pregnant at all and I think something is wrong and I won't see a heartbeat on the next u/s.... etc etc etc." DH is very excited about our next u/s, and so am I, but I am more worried than excited. Technically, I have no reason to be worried - I don't have spotting, I don't have weird cramps... but I know what can happen. I've read countless, heartbreaking stories about finally achieving a pregnancy, only to have it end at six, seven, eight, nine weeks, and later.

I thing we (those in the IF world) get these feelings because we just can't believe that after all the bullsh** we've dealt with (and I admit I have had to deal with less than a lot of people) that we'll actually just have your normal, everyday pregnancy! Then factor in all of the awareness we have of what can go wrong... and I must admit, it does seem that many people going through fertility treatments still get a raw deal, even when they receive that elusive BFP. I mentioned this to someone, who reminded me that if a person isn't going through a difficult time, she wouldn't be writing an IF blog, so I'm going to be reading a higher percentage of 'bad luck' cases. That's true to some extent BUT, most of these blogs were started prior to any type of pregnancy loss. It just seems that many who struggle to get pregnant get an added 'up yours' from the evil IF spirits once they do see that extra line.

So while I am not stressing myself out over this (stress is bad, mmmmkay?) I'm very nervous, to say the least, and it's showing in my mood. I know DH is wondering why I've suddenly become a snappy, irritable beeatch this weekend. I could blame the progest.erone (I know it doesn't help!) but prior to me starting to worry about the next u/s, I was in a pretty awesome mood, even while stuffing myself with obscene amounts of progest.erone.

I wish I still felt nauseas, but I don't. I guess everything last week was still related to whatever virus I had. I feel fine. Perfectly fine. If I felt nauseas, I would actually feel better. Oh, isn't IF wonderful! We pray to feel like cr*p so we have a sign that we're still pregnant!

I know Tuesday's u/s is just one step on the 'worry staircase' and I can't sit around and agonize about every next appointment. I do think I will feel much better once I reach (please!!) the 12 week mark. Obviously that's still no guarantee of anything, and there are plenty of other things that could happen, but I think it may help.

People who know me IRL would probably say that I'm just being a pessimist - I do have that tendency. But I'm really not, it's just hard not to be concerned due to.... (see above points).

Can someone just wake me up in October?