4dp5dt - Creeping Thoughts

The thoughts are creeping in… you know… THOSE thoughts.

I’ve been pretty happy since the egg retrieval, because things went so well (other than being a little disappointed that we didn’t have any blasts to freeze.) But now, at 4dp5dt, I’m scared.

I’m scared that this did not work. If I can’t hold on to at least one of two awesome little blasts... then what?? I feel like this cycle will end like all others - “Oh, everything looks so GREAT! Blah blah blah…..oh wow, you’re not pregnant… gee… that doesn’t make any sense.” I am sick and tired of things not making sense and all of this damn progester.one is not helping!

I’m trying to figure out if whining like this in my blog will get it out of my system so then I can go back to feeling positive. I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I? I’ll be the first one to post in someone else’s blog, “It’s still early – don’t give up yet!” Now look at me! Do as I say, not as I blog, I guess.

I should be posting about the get-together I had with a group of people I used to work with last night – it was fun, and no one asked when we were going to have kids. (None of them know about my fertility treatments) I think people know at this point that it isn’t something they should be asking – smart people! They used to ask a while back, before we knew the extent of our fertility issues, so we just said we were trying. Now they just don’t ask. Plus, luckily, there was not one drop of alcohol around, which is usually not the case, so I didn’t have anyone wondering why I wasn’t even having one glass of wine! It was a perfect get together for a 3dp5dt gal! Now, tonight’s Superb.owl will be another issue as far as alcohol goes, but I think it will be pretty easy – I’ll just have a beer in front of my all the time, and with the number of people there, I don’t think anyone will notice much. Plus, I know DH will help cover for me.

Now back to our regularly scheduled whining. Wah wah wah. I’m hungry. I'm thirsty - been drinking so much water that I'm surprised I'm not floating. I’m tired, my clothes don’t fit, I’m not going to the gym (I was told not to) which is probably why my clothes don’t fit - and I wouldn’t care about all that if I was pregnant! I swear I am not a selfish beeatch who only cares about her waistline. But I know I am feeling like this because of all the progester.one pumping through my body. Even if I am pregnant, it would be too early to have these symptoms. So feeling like this just pisses me off - plus the fact that I felt very heavy and crampy Thurs. and especially Fri. (1d and 2dp5dt) Now I feel nothing. That’s like having crampy feelings around 6-7dpo. And guess what? I have had that before, and then it went away - and it always ended with a BFN. F**k!!!

I started crying a little this morning (and immediately stopped because I know that wouldn’t be good for me or any little blasts that could be hanging around) which frustrated DH because he can’t stand it when I start feeling negatively. I’m trying to be positive, I really really am.

*SIGH* Lefty, Righty? Are you still there?