Finally Three Out of Four

This past Saturday, DH and I were at a friend's house where, including DH and me, there were four males and four females present - three of the females were pregnant. (suprisingly, none of the men were knocked up) My self-absorbed self couldn't help but think, "Thank God I'm finally one of the three out of four!" I know I would have been a lot less comfortable, to say the least, had I not been 'p'. Actually, I would have been sort-of ok until the unexpected very pregnant guest arrived.

Here's the situation - DH and I went to our friends' house for dinner. We've been close friends with this couple for a while - they have a toddler and they're due with their second child just 5 weeks before me. (pretty cool - if things work out - trying not to jinx anything - our kids will be the same age) I know I would have felt that pang of infertility jealousy if I wasn't 'p' but I'm pretty sure I would have been ok. Their neighbors were also over with their two young children. (conceived easily - I know this because our friends told us) Again, it would not have been the best situation for a non-pregnant infertile, but I had met them before and knew they were going to be there, so I would have been been prepared. Of course, deep down I'm still thinking 'Sigh... they both got pregnant easily...must be nice' but obviously, my current situation squelched those feelings. Anyway, since I would have prepared ahead of time, a non-'p' me would have been ok.. until the neighbor's 8-month pregnant sister showed up. She originally wasn't going to be there, so when she walked through the door, all I could think was how much I would probably be silently freaking if I was sitting there without Butters in me. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done - probably held everything in, drank more beer (because trust me, at that point I would definitely have some alcohol in me) and then cry after I left.

Will there be a day when I don't think 'This is probably how I would feel if I wasn't....'? Probably not.

Hey Readers! (or how to rip off an idea from another Blogger)

I am so totally ripping off this idea from Duck's post.

I'm curious about my readers, though I only recently bothered to install a stat counter on my blog. I figured only about 10 people read this thing, but the counter shows quite a bit more than that! Of course, many people find this blog through old posts by searching for 7dpIUI symptoms and such, and probably don't stay very long. Someone just found me by searching for 'gonal don't feel eggs.' Don't feel eggs? That cracked me up but I gather the person is doing injectibles and thought she would feel more ovarian activity. Anyway, dear readers... who are you?

Do you think my blog sucks, or do you think it's awesome? You can be honest - you won't hurt my feelings. Years of on-line debating has provided me with very thick skin.

Do you find my posts witty, stupid, or somewhere in between?

You probably don't know me in real life.... but if you do, let me know. Then tell me how the hell you found me! (Hi Mike)

Are you reading from work or home?

Are you infertile, super-fertile, or somewhere in between?

How long have you been reading this blog?

Are you from the U.S. or somewhere else?

What would you like to see me post about more, or don't you care?

How long have you been on the Internet? Have you been using the Internet long enough to remember Lynx?

Today I am 17w5d. (am mentioning that mostly for search engine purposes) I feel bloated today (I know you all want to know this!) because I learned, once again, that no matter how hungry I am, if I eat too much at one time it all just seems to sit like a brick on my belly! Hey, speaking of search engines...who remembers when there was no Google?

Look! A Post!

First.....awesome news! Congratulations to Denise.. and Rebeccah... and Dr. Grumbles!

It's funny, but I just don't seem to be 'into' your standard pregnancy blogs and such. I am still more interested in reading infertility blogs, or 'p' updates from those who have had fertility issues. I don't seek out new IF blogs to read, but am much more interested in keeping up with the ones I have been following than seeking out pregnancy message boards and such. The only time I read your standard 'p' boards (I never post) is if I am looking up something and come across one in my search results. I'm not quite sure why, but I just don't connect with them. Again, I am very interested in reading the 'p' updates from IF blogs, so it's not that I don't want to read about other people's pregnancy experiences.

Maybe I would be the same way even if I wasn't infertile. Even in the early days, when I was merely charting my temps and keeping nice little graphs (I still have them), and plugging terms like 'symptoms 8dpo' into search engines (before I had to take progesterone which causes lovely early pregnancy symptoms, when you're not pregnant!) I could never get into all the 'baby dust' and such. I don't know, maybe if I had gotten knocked up the old-fashioned way, I'd be sprinkling baby dust all over the Internet, but I don't think so.

I really want to update this blog a lot more. (now that was a smooth transition, wasn't it?) No, really, I do. I compose posts in my head but for some reason have not been actually writing them down. I wonder sometimes if I am holding back because I am afraid I may get too involved in the whole blog thing. I say this because years ago, (here's where you actually get to know a little more about me!) I was VERY involved in writing commentary for web sites, including my own. It had nothing to do with infertility (I wasn't even dating DH yet) but instead revolved around... issues. Things that generated lots of 'You're awesome!' or 'I want you to DIE!' e-mails. I even got to be a commentator a few times on TV (you know, the kind where they have three or four people featured who get asked a few questions about certain issues). That was... wow, over 10 years ago! You'd never know by this bland blog, would you?! I haven't been involved in commentary writing for quite a while now - I just got burned out and became involved in other things. Anyway, if I do update more, it will probably still be the same, bland posts. I don't seek to make this place an area of heated debate ;-)

FYI: 'P' updates below.

Sooo... today I am 16w6d. (I'll just say 17 weeks!) No, I have not felt movement, and I don't expect to for quite a few weeks, since this is my first. I feel pretty good. Once in a while I will get a killer headache (had one last Saturday) and Ty.lenol dulls it only a tad. Years ago, I used to get headaches on a regular basis, and Ex.cedrin was my best friend. Ex.cedrin rules! However, I obviously can't take that (here Butters, want a nice dose of Asprin and caffeine?!) Not that I haven't had any caffeine. I have. I stopped all caffeine for most of the first trimester, and now limit myself to two cups of coffee a week...big cups of strong coffee. (Hey, if I only get two....) And I've had some chocolate (which I need like a third boob)
Showing? Depends. The belly has appeared, but can be disguised. (people at my office still do not know) It's not really a 'bump' - you know, those cute little ones in your lower abdomen? Nope - it just looks like I've gained weight all around my middle. I have not taken a 'belly shot' since week 12 so I think it's time again. (should I post them?)

[Again, there is a section I wrote then removed regarding weight. I have saved it and will use that in another post. Yes! There will be another post!]

Oh, I was asked if I craved any specific foods. Not really, though I have had an aversion to quesadillas pretty much since the beginning. This is very odd, because I loved quesadillas! We own a quesadilla maker! They now pretty much gross me out, which makes no sense because I still like cheese and chicken and bread. Why the combination is so unappealing to me now is pretty strange.

I wake up almost every single night to pee. Last night I got up twice. I didn't think that would happen this early, but oh well. Usually I can sleep through a massively full bladder! (TMI, I'm sure)

I have been able to keep my mind off of the 'what-if's', even though I am well aware that bad things can still happen at this stage of the game. I am trying to balance this awareness with telling myself that I have to just assume that things will be ok, and to not dwell on the tragic 'what-if's'. No amount of worrying will prepare me for something terrible. I'm not saying that I don't worry - I do, but I try not to.

Things I've Been Thinking About

Some blogs I have read in the past day or so has reminded me of a few things I've been wondering about on and off. So, if you read this and think 'Hey, this sounds like something I just mentioned in my blog!' well, yeah, I probably read your post and it got me thinking.

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs.
2. Posting in other blogs.
3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle.
4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's?

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs. Understandably, there are mixed emotions when you see your blogging buddies, especially ones cycling at the same time as you, receive BFPs, and you don't. I've been there, though maybe not totally, because my failed cycles were IUIs and perhaps the feeling would be different/even worse if it was an IVF cycle. I don't know...though I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like - see number 3. Anyway, at one point last fall, I just stayed away from the whole blogging thing, thus the lack of posting here from Nov-Dec. When I was around, I did keep up with some BFP blogs, but I have to admit, it was hard. And I felt guilty at the time about it, because I was happy for all of those women, but yes, I was jealous. I say I felt guilty 'at the time' because now, currently being on that 'BFP list' I don't blame anyone a darn bit if they stay away from here, which is why I'm not surprised that most of my readers are now gone. I'm amazed that anyone is still reading this. Maybe it gives people hope, but I'm sure it also hurts people. This also leads to my next thought...

2. Posting in other blogs. I currently do not post comments in any IF blogs unless I have already posted before so they are familiar with me. I'm not sure someone who is in the middle of cycling wants to click on my profile, go to my blog for the first time, expecting to see a post about infertility and be smacked with "woo hoo - look at my u/s pics!" However, does it bother anyone who is familiar with my blog, when I post comments in theirs, if they have just dealt with a loss/failed/canceled cycle? Meaning, is it hurtful in any way? If so, I'll refrain from commenting, and will totally understand.

3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle. I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like to have a failed IVF cycle. And NO, I am not equating that with those who have had failed cycles - just saying that I do have an idea what it feels like. Honestly. Those who have been following my blog may recall that I was sure this past cycle had failed on the day of my beta, and I would have canceled the beta had I not wanted to go in to let them know I wanted to get the next cycle started asap. I really did have a post ready that day about my feelings about the failed cycle, which I never posted only because I wanted to conclude it with what I would be doing next, and I was waiting to hear from my RE's office. The title of that post included the word 'dead'. I was bitter, and strangely numb. It was like, once I finished freaking out early that morning, my emotions shut down. I felt like I would never cry again (and I cry pretty easily), and I started thinking of the next cycle in a very unemotional, clincial sort of way. When I read of others' failed cycles, I think back to that day, and the feelings are still very vivid. I'm sorry that anyone ever has to feel like that.

4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's? I know many of us who are in our mid-late 30's or 40's may wonder if we waited too long to have kids, and 'what if' we had started earlier.' I've thought about this, and DH asked my during my last cycle, would I have rathered had kids years ago (assuming I wouldn't have had problems when I was younger) if I had known I would be infertile? At the time he asked this, I had not received any 'positive' news yet. I said honestly, no. First, his question was also very interesting, because we were still dating during my teens and very early 20's. (yes, I dated DH many years ago before we went are separate ways for about 10 years) Maybe I should have just stayed with DH way back when and had kids! I thought about that and still my answer was 'no.' I wasn't ready to marry DH then - I don't think it would have worked, which is why we parted ways back then! I would always wondered if I settled down too early, we wouldn't have become the people we are now - we might have split, not been good parents, for all I know I may have been selfish and wound up resenting getting pregnant early! Who knows! We grew as people and somehow found our way back to each other. (boy, that last sentence sounds sappy)

But what about after we parted ways, when I in my late 20's/early 30's? How about the years I did have another long-term boyfriend? Looking back, I am so happy that I did not settle down then and have kids. I can't imagine now... just can't fathom the idea of having married someone else and having their kids. Argh! All in all, I don't feel as if I made the wrong decision by waiting for the right person before trying to have kids - and again, I felt like this before I had any idea that my cycle may have worked. Not everyone meets the right person when they're young... technically I did meet DH when I was young, but it was too young.


Just stuff I've been thinking about......

POAS and Tagging.

Oh no. More bad news in blogland. Denise received bad news today. :(

I finally responded to my tagging. I will get to that in a moment. First, I have indeed finally POAS. Three times - Friday afternoon, Sat. morning and this morning. The line is getting slightly darker each time, but just slightly. My first positive tests ever, not counting the one I took after my HCG trigger one month just so I could see a second line! I am using up my little collection of pee sticks to keep an eye on that second line, because of course I can't just relax now, I must obsess about doubling beta numbers!

It's ironic that I decided to not POAS (prior to beta) the one month when I actually would have seen something besides an ugly, white test! I still do not regret my decision not to POAS, though if I had when I woke up on Friday, my morning would have been a lot better. But before that... who knows when the line would have shown up? I am starting to think that pee sticks are laced with evil if used prior to a beta. I could have seen BFNs all week and I would have been miserable. Then there's the awful other angle... the early BFN and then the negative beta. I read Duck's blog today and she knows someone who just had that happen. How awful. I know of others who've experienced the same thing, but reading that post reminded me all over again.

On to tagging....(what a lousy transition.. someone received terrible news... oh yeah, here's stuff about me...)

I've been tagged by Azalea Baby!

Here are the rules to the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I met DH in marching band at age 14! We dated through most of high school and even through our first year of college when we were three hours apart! The next few years were 'on and off' and then totally 'off' for almost 10 years. I bumped into him a few times after that and we were on good terms. One time, I was with my then long term boyfriend and he was with his girlfriend! Found out later that both of our significant others were totally jealous, even though we barely talked to each other and had NO interest in each other 'that way' anymore! Imagine my surprise when we started hanging out again in 2003 by complete accident (too long to get into here). Then imagine my surprise when I found myself saying 'I do'!!

2. Speaking of marching band... I was totally into the high school music scene. Marching band [flute/piccolo... and NO, band camp is not like the one in "American Pie!" ;) ], orchestra, choirs, etc. I stopped playing an instrument in college but kept singing in choirs through college and into my mid 20's. Now I just sing in the shower... or karaoke some times.

3. Speaking of music... I like heavy metal, and no, not death/satanic metal! The bands I like range from ones like Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin, Godsmack, Seether (which aren't really considered 'metal' but you get the idea) to 80's hair metal! DH and I went to concerts like Skid Row, Cinderella, Motley Crue, etc. in high school. We still listen to that stuff too. It isn't unusual to find us blaring 80's metal while have a few cold ones on the weekend!

4 I'm clumsy. In fact, just this Friday, I slipped in the kitchen at work and hurt my foot. I managed to break my foot a few years ago by stepping in a hole in a parking lot, and in Dec '06, I fell down the steps on my front porch and had to have stitches above my eye! Those are just a few of my many uncoordinated moments. I am always banging into things when I'm doing things that take a lot of coordination (insert sarcasm)... like walking around.

5. I obtained 2 Master's degrees before I was 30. I wasn't a professional student - I received the first one at 22 and got the other one while working. And no, I don't think that means I'm super smart - I'm actually not. I can be somewhat ditzy and some people are surprised to find out I actually went to college ;) In fact, my high school guidance counselor didn't think I had great college potential. Ha - take that, silly counselor!

6. I run a small e-commerce business from my home, in addition to my full-time job.

It’s hard to find non-tagged people! I have tagged Swim, Egged Out, and Rebeccah
(if you have already been tagged, sorry!)