Thursday, March 20, 2008

Things I've Been Thinking About

Some blogs I have read in the past day or so has reminded me of a few things I've been wondering about on and off. So, if you read this and think 'Hey, this sounds like something I just mentioned in my blog!' well, yeah, I probably read your post and it got me thinking.

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs.
2. Posting in other blogs.
3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle.
4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's?

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs. Understandably, there are mixed emotions when you see your blogging buddies, especially ones cycling at the same time as you, receive BFPs, and you don't. I've been there, though maybe not totally, because my failed cycles were IUIs and perhaps the feeling would be different/even worse if it was an IVF cycle. I don't know...though I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like - see number 3. Anyway, at one point last fall, I just stayed away from the whole blogging thing, thus the lack of posting here from Nov-Dec. When I was around, I did keep up with some BFP blogs, but I have to admit, it was hard. And I felt guilty at the time about it, because I was happy for all of those women, but yes, I was jealous. I say I felt guilty 'at the time' because now, currently being on that 'BFP list' I don't blame anyone a darn bit if they stay away from here, which is why I'm not surprised that most of my readers are now gone. I'm amazed that anyone is still reading this. Maybe it gives people hope, but I'm sure it also hurts people. This also leads to my next thought...

2. Posting in other blogs. I currently do not post comments in any IF blogs unless I have already posted before so they are familiar with me. I'm not sure someone who is in the middle of cycling wants to click on my profile, go to my blog for the first time, expecting to see a post about infertility and be smacked with "woo hoo - look at my u/s pics!" However, does it bother anyone who is familiar with my blog, when I post comments in theirs, if they have just dealt with a loss/failed/canceled cycle? Meaning, is it hurtful in any way? If so, I'll refrain from commenting, and will totally understand.

3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle.
I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like to have a failed IVF cycle. And NO, I am not equating that with those who have had failed cycles - just saying that I do have an idea what it feels like. Honestly. Those who have been following my blog may recall that I was sure this past cycle had failed on the day of my beta, and I would have canceled the beta had I not wanted to go in to let them know I wanted to get the next cycle started asap. I really did have a post ready that day about my feelings about the failed cycle, which I never posted only because I wanted to conclude it with what I would be doing next, and I was waiting to hear from my RE's office. The title of that post included the word 'dead'. I was bitter, and strangely numb. It was like, once I finished freaking out early that morning, my emotions shut down. I felt like I would never cry again (and I cry pretty easily), and I started thinking of the next cycle in a very unemotional, clincial sort of way. When I read of others' failed cycles, I think back to that day, and the feelings are still very vivid. I'm sorry that anyone ever has to feel like that.

4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's? I know many of us who are in our mid-late 30's or 40's may wonder if we waited too long to have kids, and 'what if' we had started earlier.' I've thought about this, and DH asked my during my last cycle, would I have rathered had kids years ago (assuming I wouldn't have had problems when I was younger) if I had known I would be infertile? At the time he asked this, I had not received any 'positive' news yet. I said honestly, no. First, his question was also very interesting, because we were still dating during my teens and very early 20's. (yes, I dated DH many years ago before we went are separate ways for about 10 years) Maybe I should have just stayed with DH way back when and had kids! I thought about that and still my answer was 'no.' I wasn't ready to marry DH then - I don't think it would have worked, which is why we parted ways back then! I would always wondered if I settled down too early, we wouldn't have become the people we are now - we might have split, not been good parents, for all I know I may have been selfish and wound up resenting getting pregnant early! Who knows! We grew as people and somehow found our way back to each other. (boy, that last sentence sounds sappy)

But what about after we parted ways, when I in my late 20's/early 30's? How about the years I did have another long-term boyfriend? Looking back, I am so happy that I did not settle down then and have kids. I can't imagine now... just can't fathom the idea of having married someone else and having their kids. Argh! All in all, I don't feel as if I made the wrong decision by waiting for the right person before trying to have kids - and again, I felt like this before I had any idea that my cycle may have worked. Not everyone meets the right person when they're young... technically I did meet DH when I was young, but it was too young.

Just stuff I've been thinking about......


Rebeccah said...

I'm not one of those who abandons a good blog just because of the writer's fertile/nonfertile status - why deprive myself of an interesting person and good writing? I know that for some people it's too difficult to read about pregnancy, but for me it's fun-- kind of like reading about traveling to another country. I'm always happy to hear from you because you have good things to add to the discussion -- not just because you struggled with IF. I wish I could purge you of any guilt you might be feeling, and at the same time I understand how reading IF blogs when you're one of the lucky ones has got to be incredibly weird ... just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you didn't go through IF or suffer loss. I know you're experiencing joy somewhere in your mix of emotions. Don't be afraid to express it -- it gives some of us hope!

Ms. J said...

You are such a thoughtful person, and writer. I think it's nice to actually read blogs of people who get a "rainbow" (a BFP, followed by a healhty pregnancy) after struggling through so many rainy days, if you will. What I DON'T like is someone who b*tches that "it's been so hard" when they've been trying all of three months, yadda yadda. I like hearing about women who battle the "what ifs" even after they have a BFP (esp. if they have ahd a prior m/c), as I know that someday that will be me, haunted by doubts, too.

In the meantime . . . I was able to post some grainy photos of our new Pumpkin, so check out my new blog entry!

BTW, we have decided to go ahead with this Round #1 of IVF . . . quite frankly, it's already paid for, and I had already stared meds, and considering how China's process is slooooowwwwing down to a crawl, AND we know we want more than one child, we decided to go ahead with this round. If it doesn't work, we will freeze what embryos may be leftover, and then concentrate our Pumpkin for a good year before we do any more IVF rounds.

I don't know if some other bloggers will give me flack for this, I hope not. We have wanted Pumpkin for so long, and have gone through so much to get her.

Thanks for your kind words and support on my blog -- I love it when you check in, I really do!!!

tam said...

I am loving your blog. Reading it has really helped me out. I've added you to the blogroll for the blog I've just started. I would love it if you'd stop by and check it out.

I think all these thoughts too. I was even hesitant to start a blog because I was worried that blogs are somehow for people who have trouble for a long time, and it would therefore somehow jinx me. Or, maybe I'd be successful quickly and then all my readers (which, at the moment, includes only myself) would hate me and stop reading. But if your blog is good, it's good, and people will want to keep reading it. I am not pregnant yet, but I love reading the blogs that move into pregnancy just as much, if not more, than the IF blogs. But I love it all. My problem is keeping them all straight.

Duck said...

I still read you, even though I've moved you to the other column. Please still stop by and post, I love hearing from you.

Optimistic said...

I know when I was going through my cycle I loved reading blogs with success stories - they gave me such hope, which is what I'm hoping mine does for some. I think we have all gone through our ups and downs.

SaraS-P said...

I have seen all of these topics before. They are all thought provoking for an IF blogger.

I may be wierd, but I have actually read preggo blogs for the first time while recovering from a m/c, but I know many wouldn't be able to stomach the hurt.

I definitely know the left out feeling, even though I haven't done IVF and really only one IUI. Timing can drive home what you are missing out on, but on a good day I can derive hope from someone who is pregnant after having problems getting there.

I figure with all I have been reading about the 2nd and 3rd trimesters even though I have never been there myself, I should be more prepared than the typical preggo once my time comes.

And I am a u/s and belly pic junkie. I just can't get enough, even when it makes more sense for me to avoid them. Maybe I am just a freak!

Maria said...

I'm so glad that everything is going so well for you!! I can't believe how far along you are!