Monday, March 17, 2008

9w1d Update

What a bad blogger I have been. I have some updates...
1. Graduating from my RE / 8w2d u/s.
2. Pregnant Friends: Irrational Infertility Fears (IIF)
3. Symptoms

    Graduating from my RE / 8w2d u/s.
    Last week's 8w2d u/s at my RE's office was fine. DH and I saw Butters with his/her heart still beating (yay) and he/she looked like something besides a blob! I have included the picture below, along with the 7w2d one.

    Then we saw the head move and it was just awesome. That was my last visit with my RE - I have my first OB appointment tomorrow, 3/18. Dr. M. told me before I left to please keep in touch and that he wanted to see me when I was all 'big'! I said sure, but that I would make sure I came in when there wasn't a waiting room full of people, ya know? Actually - what do YOU think? Would seeing a pregnant lady (assuming I will stay pregnant, IIF aside) in a fertility clinic piss you off or give you hope? I think it would just upset people. I don't think seeing a pregnant woman while I was sitting in the waiting room for yet another follicle check would have helped my mood whatsoever. Anyway, I hugged Dr. M. and thanked him, then went and said goodbye to the IVF coordinator and the other ladies at the front desk area and my eyes started filling with tears! (damn hormones!) Everyone at my RE's office is just wonderful, and it was weird saying goodbye. I felt like a big dork. The IVF coordinator gave me a little gift bag that said 'congratulations' and contained some itsy bitsy booties. Aww.

    Pregnant Friends: Irrational Infertility Fears
    So yes, tomorrow is my first OB appointment. Let me just say that I really hope I get some kind of u/s (not sure if they will do one?) so I can see Butters and a heartbeat, and not because I have any indication that something must be wrong - this is a purely irrational concern. See, I just found out this weekend that two friends of mine are pregnant and due just one month before me! This is very cool, but it has now brought forth my Irrational Infertility Fears (IIF). You know, the 'Things can't be going this well and something is going to happen and and they will all be giving birth this fall and I won't.' I am not dwelling on this, and am trying to think only positive thoughts but it's so weird how hearing of these two pregnancies has really brought out the IIF.

    I am much closer with one of the two girls, and her husband is also very good friends with mine. We saw them in person on Saturday, when DH and I went to their house for dinner. I was so happy to hear that she was expecting again (she has a 2 1/2 year old) Later that evening we told them our news, even though it is a bit early and we haven't told many people. I thought it would be obvious to them because I drank a non-alcoholic beer (which incidentally, has 0.5% alcohol. I would need to drink about 9 to equal one light beer.) However, they didn't say anything, so we finally just told them. They were very surprised since we hadn't said anything all evening! I found out that they were actually being very sensitive. They both knew we had been going through treatments, and assumed that I was probably no drinking because of that, and of course didn't want to ask. So of course it was one big happy pregnancy fest, with the husbands congratulating each other over Guiness while the wives talked about all things pregnancy over ice water. What a happy picture, right? Yes, it was! And that's what started the IIF. I mean, my SIL is due in July, the other two girls in September, and me in October. We'll all have kids the same age, which will totally rule. Yet this is just the 'perfect' time for the infertility demons to come down and really stick it to me. C'mon, you know what I'm talking about it - you've read the stories in other blogs, and it may have sadly, even happened to you or someone close to you. I'll just try not to think about it....

    One letter describes it all: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I really can't stand the fatigue, because I have a lot of things to get done at home after work and they are just not getting done. However, I do see any pregnancy symptom as a positive sign so I have a love/hate relationship with my fatigue. Some days I feel fine, while I feel like a walking zombie other days. I am exercising again, since Dr. M. gave me 'gym clearance' two weeks ago, (thank goodness!) so I had hoped that would help increase energy. I think the exercise has helped a bit, but not too much. I did have some pretty significant nausea this morning, though it has subsided now. I had some last week, but all in all, I've been extremely lucky to have not had much m/s. Now I just need to wake up.

    Perhaps I'll just demand an u/s at my appointment if they don't plan to do one. Stamp my feet, throw a tantrum, the works ;)


    Denise said...

    Personally, it just depends on my mood if I get hopeful or sad when I see a pregnant woman at the IF clinic (or one with her kids with her).

    If they don't want to do a scan at your OB appointment, just let the tears flow. Who can resist a crying, pregnant woman?

    Ms. J said...

    I think your fears are actually quite normal, even to be expected, given how far & long your journey has been. Sometimes I want to smack those women who are 2 weeks pregnant and gleefully announce it to all the world, and they never have a second of doubt or worry. THEY are the bizarre ones, in my unhumble opinion. This (blogosphere) is a place where you are allowed to be irrational and worried, and people will be here to sympathize and reassure you each step of the way. I am soooo happy you had a great appointment with the U/S!!! Carry that photo with you, for when you have a doubting moment, Sweetie :o)