8dp5dt - 1 Day Until Beta - Will AF Stay Away?

Today is a hard day, and not just because my beta is tomorrow. Today would be around 13dpo. Every freaking month, AF has started to show up on 13dpo. The only exception was the month of December, where AF held out one extra day, but that was an unmedicated cycle. In fact, I have only gone in for a beta twice the whole time I have been going through fertility treatments, and each time AF had already arrived but I went, just in case. I stopped bothering after the first two times, so basically, I never even make it to beta day. I don’t know if taking the extra progester.one will hold off AF, in the event I am not pg, so lack of any sign of AF today won’t mean anything. I’ll just be apprehensive every damn time I go to the bathroom today, which drives me nuts. I’ll be checking constantly. Damn it.

I still have not POAS.

I have been sleeping like a log, and having vivid dreams the past week. The dream I had last night usually would have put me into a miserable mood today. I dreamed that AF arrived, and I was devastated. I was crying so hard in my dream, I am surprised my face was dry when I woke up. In my dream, someone asked me if I was going crazy (actually it was one of the people who works at my local post office – a really nice guy – so don’t ask me how he wound up in my dream, asking about my mental state). I yelled, crying hysterically, “I just found out I can’t have children, ok?!?” I then went to see my acupuncturist who had me in a room where his family was eating dinner (? gotta love dreams). Anyway, the dream did not bother me, though I admit I was expecting to see red when I went to the bathroom this morning. Usually I would have thought the dream ‘meant something’ but it doesn’t mean squat. I know this because this past October, I had the most realistic dream imaginable. I dreamed I POAS, and saw two lines! I was so happy! I felt the emotion in my dream, and I went to wake up DH, but it was my mom in my room instead and she said DH had to go to work early (I don’t know what my mom was doing in my bedroom, but hey, it’s a dream!) so I told her and I was just so happy. I woke up happy! I told myself it was just a dream… it was 10dpo… enjoy the happy feeling of the dream. I swore I wouldn’t go POAS. Swore.

Guess what I did? That’s right, I POAS and we all know what the result was. I was a mess until AF arrived. Therefore, I know dreams don’t indicate anything because if they did, I would have been pregnant in October. So there. :-P Oh, and I just looked back at older blog entries.. I forgot I had another '2 line dream' at 8dpiui this past September! So maybe the dream last night means I am pregnant. Hahahahahaha.

I don’t know how I am going to concentrate today. I decided that stuffing my face with the bagels someone brought in this morning would be a good way to keep my mind off things. I am already on bagel number 2!

Lefty, Righty, please be getting your balloons ready…..

Phantom Symptoms, Dreams and Whining.

This post is just me basically being a whiney brat. I have nothing of substance to offer.

Thank you for finally going away, phantom pregnancy symptoms, brought on by mean ol' progesteron.e.

I was going out of my mind the past two days. Today is 9dpiui... guess what I felt at 7dpiui? Mild headache, nausea and a lot of heaviness and cramping. Implantation? Most likely another cruel joke, courtesy of progesteron.e. I had the same thing last month. Oh, and I had heartburn and my face suddenly broke out too. These phantom symptoms just made it harder to NOT think about things. It's hard to not obsess when your body keeps saying 'Hey! This is what it might be like if you could actually get your eggs to cooperate - but you can't! HAHAHA!'

It gets better. Yesterday, 8dpiui, some more heaviness and cramping, though less intense, bad headache, heartburn, and the desire to cry every 10 seconds - mainly because I'm so sure this cycle is another bust. I actually started getting really pissed off - so much so that I started writing down my 'symptoms' on a piece of paper followed by a string of expletives. Now that's certainly mature and productive, isn't it?

Did I forget to mention the vivid dreams the past three nights? Of course I looked that up and found all these google entries about vivid dreams and pregnancy. Last night was the 'best' - the dream included me POAS and seeing two lines! I was excited! Then in my dream I thought 'Wait, maybe I made a mistake' and then I looked again and the lines were still there, then it's almost like I knew I was dreaming - in my dream - and that the lines weren't real. Lots of fun.

Thankfully, all phantom symptoms are gone today so I didn't have the 2ww on my mind the entire day.

Don't ask me why I am so sure this is another BFN month. Maybe it's to try and minimize the sting when AF shows up late in the day Sun. This is my second IUI w/injectables. I had two IUIs w/Clomid. There appears to be nothing wrong w/me or DH. What the hell? I hate no explanations. I freaking hate it. If I can't get pregnant I want to know WHY.

And if I see another ad for the damn "Knocked Up" DVD I'm going to break the TV.

Maybe I should sit down and relax with a glass of wine - oh wait, can't do that in case I'm pregnant. What a joke.


(and no, I'm not going to have a glass of wine, just in case)