Phantom Symptoms, Dreams and Whining.

This post is just me basically being a whiney brat. I have nothing of substance to offer.

Thank you for finally going away, phantom pregnancy symptoms, brought on by mean ol' progesteron.e.

I was going out of my mind the past two days. Today is 9dpiui... guess what I felt at 7dpiui? Mild headache, nausea and a lot of heaviness and cramping. Implantation? Most likely another cruel joke, courtesy of progesteron.e. I had the same thing last month. Oh, and I had heartburn and my face suddenly broke out too. These phantom symptoms just made it harder to NOT think about things. It's hard to not obsess when your body keeps saying 'Hey! This is what it might be like if you could actually get your eggs to cooperate - but you can't! HAHAHA!'

It gets better. Yesterday, 8dpiui, some more heaviness and cramping, though less intense, bad headache, heartburn, and the desire to cry every 10 seconds - mainly because I'm so sure this cycle is another bust. I actually started getting really pissed off - so much so that I started writing down my 'symptoms' on a piece of paper followed by a string of expletives. Now that's certainly mature and productive, isn't it?

Did I forget to mention the vivid dreams the past three nights? Of course I looked that up and found all these google entries about vivid dreams and pregnancy. Last night was the 'best' - the dream included me POAS and seeing two lines! I was excited! Then in my dream I thought 'Wait, maybe I made a mistake' and then I looked again and the lines were still there, then it's almost like I knew I was dreaming - in my dream - and that the lines weren't real. Lots of fun.

Thankfully, all phantom symptoms are gone today so I didn't have the 2ww on my mind the entire day.

Don't ask me why I am so sure this is another BFN month. Maybe it's to try and minimize the sting when AF shows up late in the day Sun. This is my second IUI w/injectables. I had two IUIs w/Clomid. There appears to be nothing wrong w/me or DH. What the hell? I hate no explanations. I freaking hate it. If I can't get pregnant I want to know WHY.

And if I see another ad for the damn "Knocked Up" DVD I'm going to break the TV.

Maybe I should sit down and relax with a glass of wine - oh wait, can't do that in case I'm pregnant. What a joke.


(and no, I'm not going to have a glass of wine, just in case)

Tired of the 2ww already at 7dpiui

Ah, the half point mark of the 2ww torture. I can’t even obsess about symptoms of any kind because I know the sneaky progesteron.e mimics pregnancy symptoms. Last month I had everything – a larger, (ugh!) sensitive chest, all sorts of abdominal twinges, starting around day 8 - almost like implantation twinges! Now that’s just cruel, evil progesterone.e!! By 11dpiui my abdomen felt like there was a basketball in it. I even had heartburn. I didn’t have any false hope though since I POAS on day 12 and saw nothing but white, white, white. AF just started to show on day 13, so it had to be the progesterone.e. Canceled the day 14 beta I had scheduled. So, any symptoms just annoy me since I figure it’s just progesterone.e – if the symptoms were from pregnancy, I would love them! Bring on the bloating, soreness, everything!

I have no idea what this cycle will bring. I am scared to death of a BFN, but I have to get myself ready for it. I am scared because as each month goes by, I get older – I’ll be 37 in a little over 5 months. RE said in one of my first visits that my age has not yet affected my fertility, based on my response to meds. But that doesn’t mean my eggs are necessarily up to par. I’ve never had any type of pregnancy – chemical, anything. That makes me think there is an egg-level issue.
I’m just not happy right now. I’m a lot more emotional that I have been during this time in other cycles. (wait – is that a symptom?!? (smacking self) stop it!) I even POAS shortly after the HCG shot(s). Why? Because I wanted to see two pink lines for once in my life, even if I knew it wasn’t from being pregnant. I know that’s weird, and already assumes that I won’t ever be seeing those 2 wonderful lines, which is not the right attitude.

On Saturday, I went to small get-together. There were six other females there, of which five had multiple children. Now, I already knew there would be a lot of kids at the gathering, which was no problem. I didn’t become silently miserable until I found out two of the five were pregnant again. The other female there had sadly lost a pregnancy early in the year and she was happy and doing fine, so I told myself to stop being such a wussy.

Oh, did I mention that I will no longer have a job in 2 weeks? That makes me even more cheerful. I shouldn’t really moan about it – I was not surprised. I am a sub-contactor, and the company just received unexpected funding cuts. So, quite a few people here are going to be out of work – even some full-time employees. The company that that subs me out to other places is very cool, and is already working on finding me a ‘home’ somewhere else. I just happen to really like my job here. I do have a small ‘at home’ business that generates a little extra money - and the type of business is somewhat ironic, considering my situation. I’ll talk about that some other time.