Monday, September 24, 2007

Tired of the 2ww already at 7dpiui

Ah, the half point mark of the 2ww torture. I can’t even obsess about symptoms of any kind because I know the sneaky progesteron.e mimics pregnancy symptoms. Last month I had everything – a larger, (ugh!) sensitive chest, all sorts of abdominal twinges, starting around day 8 - almost like implantation twinges! Now that’s just cruel, evil progesterone.e!! By 11dpiui my abdomen felt like there was a basketball in it. I even had heartburn. I didn’t have any false hope though since I POAS on day 12 and saw nothing but white, white, white. AF just started to show on day 13, so it had to be the progesterone.e. Canceled the day 14 beta I had scheduled. So, any symptoms just annoy me since I figure it’s just progesterone.e – if the symptoms were from pregnancy, I would love them! Bring on the bloating, soreness, everything!

I have no idea what this cycle will bring. I am scared to death of a BFN, but I have to get myself ready for it. I am scared because as each month goes by, I get older – I’ll be 37 in a little over 5 months. RE said in one of my first visits that my age has not yet affected my fertility, based on my response to meds. But that doesn’t mean my eggs are necessarily up to par. I’ve never had any type of pregnancy – chemical, anything. That makes me think there is an egg-level issue.
I’m just not happy right now. I’m a lot more emotional that I have been during this time in other cycles. (wait – is that a symptom?!? (smacking self) stop it!) I even POAS shortly after the HCG shot(s). Why? Because I wanted to see two pink lines for once in my life, even if I knew it wasn’t from being pregnant. I know that’s weird, and already assumes that I won’t ever be seeing those 2 wonderful lines, which is not the right attitude.

On Saturday, I went to small get-together. There were six other females there, of which five had multiple children. Now, I already knew there would be a lot of kids at the gathering, which was no problem. I didn’t become silently miserable until I found out two of the five were pregnant again. The other female there had sadly lost a pregnancy early in the year and she was happy and doing fine, so I told myself to stop being such a wussy.

Oh, did I mention that I will no longer have a job in 2 weeks? That makes me even more cheerful. I shouldn’t really moan about it – I was not surprised. I am a sub-contactor, and the company just received unexpected funding cuts. So, quite a few people here are going to be out of work – even some full-time employees. The company that that subs me out to other places is very cool, and is already working on finding me a ‘home’ somewhere else. I just happen to really like my job here. I do have a small ‘at home’ business that generates a little extra money - and the type of business is somewhat ironic, considering my situation. I’ll talk about that some other time.


Fertilize Me said...

I am wishing that BFP your way! I have hte 1 week to do jitters also. If it makes you feel any better, i poas the very next day i did the trigger shot because, I too, just wanted to know what 2 lines looked it. I was beinging to think those sticks were faulty and none really had 2 a really bad joke. I did see 2 lines then though!

Wordgirl said...

Would it be weird to have t-shirts made up that say "Progesterone Sucks" -- I'd buy one -- and I understand being a three a day girl during the last cycle.

There are these small kindnesses that happen -- like when I read your posting today and I see that I truly am not alone, in the obsessing of symptoms...or anything else...and I can manage to laugh with tears in my eyes and a full heart.

I'll tell you what I never manage to tell myself -- be gentle with yourself, this is an extraordinarily difficult journey we're on. I hope tomorrow looks brighter.

Your friend,


Wanting & Waiting said...

I've done the same thing (POAS after HCG just to see what a BFP looks like)! I've also never had any type of pg...been through 1 IVF cycle (BFN) and will cycle again next year. Heres hoping the next week goes by quickly for you!

AshPash said...

The 2ww is certainly hellish. Best wishes.

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