The Witch Has Arrived

AF arrived - one day later than usual - just enough to give me hope. How stupid of me to be hopeful. I guess it seems odd to think that I would get pregnant unassisted this month (except for progesterone support) but since I ovulate normally, I figured it was possible. Now I start BC pills to gear up for IVF.

I am so pissed off for so many reasons at the moment that I don't have anything else to say right now (though I am almost done the post about acupuncture which I kept promising to write!)

I am off to watch my football team play their last game of the season (they didn't make the playoffs) and try not to start crying suddenly (which has been happening all morning) and get salty tears in my beer.

She Lives!

Happy Holidays to all.
(I started this post on Dec 22, my pc crashed and I just now got back to finishing it! Let's hear it for auto-save in blogs)

My dream is to be the designated driver for EVERYONE on New Year's Eve.

I never meant to let almost two months go by between posts. First, I am not pregnant. I didn't suddenly get a BFP and stop posting. I was not ill. I just stopped posting - not sure why. I pretty much stopped reading blogs too - maybe in the back of my mind I thought not reading/posting would magically get me pregnant. Hey, weirder things have happened....

I'll quickly summarize the past two months, and go into more details in later posts. Really, I will. There will be posts, I promise. I really mean it! And I need to check in on the blogs I so rudely stopped reading...

November: Meds, IUI, extra BDing as backup, even used preseed, continued acupuncture. BFN.

Read a few blogs and see some devastating news in three of them and wonder why bad luck seems to strike the same people over and over. Stopped reading blogs.

A person I know IRL who I had hoped to be pregnant with at the same time becomes pregnant. (I'll explain later why I don't say exactly who she is. She is not a blogger.) RE still thinks I could try another medicated cycle. Decide to go ahead and start IVF process.

December: No meds or IUI this month. Have IVF consult. Have all sorts of 'fun' with insurance stuff... thinking there is great news one minute, to bad news the next, back to good news... more details on that later. (I hope the information I provide regarding insurance in my posts in the next few days can help someone else.) Still continue acupuncture.

December 11: Have a 'mock transfer' to get ready for IVF in Jan. Have BC pills in my posession. IVF meds scheduled to start Jan 11. RE checks my follicles while I am there for mock transfer. Have one nice follie on right ovary - size is 14. RE tells me I should ovulate within the next few days and to start progesterone on Dec 15, just in case. OPK next days indicates LH surge. BD w/preseed (just in case...) Dec 12, 13, 14.

Waiting for AF, who should arrive any moment.

Sorry for the very brief and clinical post. I wanted to get something up.

Back in Blog Land!

Sorry for the complete lack of posts recently - there have been a few reasons for this, which I will detail later. (really! I really really will!) I haven't posted or really read other blogs since my last post. This wasn't planned, but it worked out that way. Since it would now be 15dpo as I write this, people may wonder what my status is. Well it isn't 15dpo. It is now CD2. Another BFN this month, as was indicated by the very punctual AF. And yes, I was very upset about the BFN, but have sinced calmed down. I just don't get it - how is it that I ovulate fine, my cycle is regular (luteal phase is exactly the same each month, almost to the hour!), tubes are clear, no one can find anything wrong, but I never get a BFP? I don't get it! Can someone please find out what the hell is going on? Argh! I know I did not have an IUI this month, but I really don't think that would have made a difference.

I will post tomorrow and finally talk a little about my acupuncture, the reason behind my lack of posts (nothing major - had to do with my mood(s) and other things I vowed to do before posting again), and what I am doing this month. Saw my RE yesterday and already started this month's meds. Anyway, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, so if you are reading this and I usually comment on your blog and have not recently, I just haven't been in blog land much.

The Past Week in a Big Nutshell!

I really got behind in updates last week and then the NY/Wedding/Football/Trigger-and-kick-people-out-of-the-hotel-so-I-can-get-knocked-up weekend put me farther behind. I brought my laptop but never logged on, which for me is a major miracle - 3 days and no computer or Internet. Usually, a 3 day Internet 'dry spell' never occurs by choice.

Anyway, I am going to give a super brief overview of the past week, and will elaborate in later posts this week - after I finish catching up on reading and commenting on other blogs, (I wish I was reading more good news...) which I still haven't done. Started, but not finished.

SUMMARY:

Thurs., 10/11 - Last Re appointment for this cycle. Follicle sizes:
16, 16, 15, 13 (and a bunch of smaller ones)

RE told me to take one final gonal.f shot that morning. Was told to trigger Fri. night. DH and I were to have our 'fun time' on Fri. night, Sun. morning, and Mon. morning. (again, no IUI this cycle b/c RE was going to a major fertility conference in D.C.) Had first acupuncture visit - it went well (again, I will go into details in later posts)

Fri., 10/12 - Walked around NY all day - had a blast. Triggered that night (very late) DH and I were in the Irish Pub at the hotel with my SIL, (her husband did not arrive until Sat.) and ran upstairs to the room for the fun and then came back down! (SIL stayed in bar with other people attending the wedding and covered for us when people asked where we were) DH and I then told SIL she had to play 'guess the bed.' ;-)

Sat., 10/13 - Hung out and then went to the wedding, which was awesome.

Sun., 10/14 - What fun - Morning - SIL out of room, her husband in the shower... and guess what we did. Yep. DH joked with SIL and her husband the night before about it - luckily they have known what we've been going through since the beginning. In fact, my SIL recommended the RE I go to because she knew people who had gone to him. Anyway, we did bolt the door and told SIL's hubby to stay the hell in the shower. How romantic! Actually, DH and I were cracking up because the whole thing was just so comical. Anyway, we got the job done and we all headed off to the football game. Good time was had by all. Football rules.

Mon., 10/15 - 1dpo - Followed the RE's orders, and kicked off the 2ww. Oh - and I tried Pre-Seed for the first time. Hoped to have it before the weekend, but it arrived Friday after we left (figures) Had second acupuncture appointment. Found out one of his patients who started acupuncture in the same stage of her cycle (doing meds and IUI) just this month is already pregnant, even though she had just started the acupuncture. Said he's been on a positive streak recently. Hoping to keep that streak alive....

So that puts me at 4dpo today. Next acupuncture appointment is tomorrow.

Hey! I'm Still Here!

It's been almost a week since I posted anything or made my usual blog 'rounds' - I can't believe it's been that long! I'll post a quick update and then go see what's been happening with everyone else.

I have seen my RE twice this week - today and Monday. DH was able to go with me one of the times. He had been wanting to go to an appointment with me for a while, just to kind of see everything. My RE just happened to be the one doing the actual ultrasound that day so he was very nice and showed DH all the wonders of my uterus. DH had met my RE briefly before because we ran into him at the gym a few weeks ago! Yes, believe it or not, my RE happens to go to the same gym as we do and recognized me and actually came over and said hello! I don't even live in a small town so it's pretty funny to just run into my RE like that. Anyhooo.....

So, it still looks like there will be no IUI this month since my RE will be away. So far, there has been no follicle drama - this month, unlike other months, the follies decided to behave and not all grow together at the exact same rate, causing all sorts of fiddling with my injectible doses to try and get some of them to back off. As of this morning, the sizes are... (drum roll)....

Right: 14, 12, 11
Left: 13, 11, 10, 10

Both the left and right had some other smaller follies also. My RE didn't seem concerned about the ones that were 10, but did tell me to lower my gonal.f dose slightly this evening, though that could change when the results of my bloodwork come back later today. I'm guessing that the 12, 13, and 14 follies and maybe one of the 11's will be large enough at trigger time (which I am guessing might be Saturday or Sunday... still not sure) I am only on CD 10, so it could even be Monday. My RE will be gone from this Friday through Tuesday (which is why there will be no IUI) so he probably wouldn't want me to go all the way to Monday and trigger without seeing me some time in between, but it's hard to know. I do have one more appointment tomorrow at 9am, so I guess he will tell me the trigger time and the exact times to go have some fun with DH.

Should be interesting, trying to schedule the 'fun time'... DH and I are leaving Friday to go to New York for the day We have a wedding to attend in that area on Saturday evening, and his SIL is the matron of honor. She and her husband are also going with us, but will be going to the rehearsal dinner and such on Friday. We all share a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night. ("hey, guys, go for a walk or something!! We have some business to take care of!") Then on Sunday, all four of us are going to the Eagles vs Jets game! So I hope we don't have to be doing something Sunday afternoon or early evening because I am not quite sure how well that would work at the Meadowlands......

Lastly, I have my first acupuncture appointment on Thursday afternoon. I don't expect to get any results from the acupuncture for this cycle, but if this cycle is a bust, I will have some acupuncture apoointments under my belt and can continue through the next cycle. My RE did tell DH and me this week that he still thinks injectibles will do the trick and we aren't at the IVF point yet, even if this month still yields the dreaded BFN. Oh, I so hope my RE is right....

Good (and weird) Vibrations

Had my first scan for this cycle yesterday (CD3). I was in a different room than usual, and the ultrasound machine was a little different. The most noticeable difference, besides the lack of a little monitor where I could gaze at my glorious ovaries, was the ever so slightly vibrating wand.

Yeah, I said it. It was vibrating a little. Now don't worry - this isn't going to suddenly get X-rated (unless you want it to! who votes for X-rated IF Blog?!) It was just weird - ok, let's just put it this way:

Vibrating wand during ultrasound = creepy.
Different type of vibrating wand not during ultrasound = not creepy.

I mean, was it malfunctioning or did some genius think a vibrating wand-cam during an ultrasound would be relaxing?

My RE poked his head in the door after the assistant was done with the porno-wand and said, “I’m embarrassed to show my face.” due to my very non-pregant condition. He then came in and said quickly, “We’ll get this. I won’t quit – don’t you quit!” I assure him that quitting had not crossed my mind. Everything was fine, and I started 150 gonal.f last night. Here’s the interesting part … I may not do an IUI this cycle.

My RE said that he was going to be at a meeting from Friday, October 12 through Tuesday, October 16 and would not be in the office at all and thus, could not do the IUI if my IUI date fell on one of those dates. (His assistants/nurses and such do not do those procedures) The 12th-16th is day CD12-16 for me. My IUI last time was around CD 18, but that cycle was longer because of the varying does of meds, trying to get some follies to back off, etc. I would still do the IUI if it was before or after those dates, though I’m positive my follies won’t be ready by next week. He assured me that he would monitor me right up through the 11th. I guess at that point he might have an idea as to when I would be ready to trigger – the only downside is that he wouldn’t be able to ‘fiddle’ with my doses. He explained that he would tell us exactly what day/time DH and I would need to ‘get together’ if there was no IUI.

Heh heh. That weekend we are going to be at a wedding – we are staying overnight Friday and Sat and possibly sharing a hotel room with DH’s sister and BIL. Luckily, they know what we’ve been doing – they are just about the only people we’ve told and they have to be two of the coolest people on earth. So I guess they’ll understand if we boot them out of the room for a bit. Watch - I’ll probably wind up needing to do the trigger shot right in the middle of the reception or something. This time I will be VERY CAREFUL.

Anyway, my RE (I need to call him something else besides ‘my RE’ Hmm…) said if I wanted to sit this cycle out he would understand, but felt that a lack of an IUI would not decrease my chances of getting pregnant, since DH’s count has always been fine. I will of course still do an IUI if it so happens that my follies are not ready until after he gets back.

I decided to go ahead with the injectibles even with the possibility of no IUI, since I’m certainly not getting any younger. I then thought how cool it would be if it worked this time around and I could actually say I got pregnant from actual sex – wow!!

See, I need to have a much better attitude this month – a true attitude change, not just a “I pretend to be chipper while I am miserable inside” type change.

I thought about this over the past few days. I was very negative the past few cycles, and I guess it’s hard not to be, considering the results so far. Also, having a lot of hope and then those hopes being erased really hits me hard. I despise that feeling – it crushes me, much more so than if I have a negative outlook ahead of time. It’s bad enough when I am not all full of hope and things don’t work out, because of course, I do have some hope tucked in the back of my mind. But I become a real mess when I am optimistic and then get knocked down. But I can’t be like that… over and over again I read how negativity, for some reason, can affect fertility. If I’m willing to have things stuck in me and up me all month, willing to spend $1000 on injectibles, I certainly should be willing to try an attitude change.

I also think it’s more than just getting upset about fertility issues – I can just be too emotional, even in a ‘good’ way. Example: watching football – I’m screaming and jumping up and down more so than most people – especially the females. And I probably look like an idiot – a 36 year old jumping up and high fiving people, screaming “Yeaaaaah babeeee!!” or “Get him, GET HIM – what the &!%^! was that?!” or slamming her hands on the table when her team messes up (like they did last week!!) Luckily DH is the same way and he likes that I get into things, but you know, if it stresses my body somehow…..so I really want to be just more “mellow” in general, which brings me to my next point.

Acupuncture. I went to my appointment, ready to ask RE if he could recommend someone. But first, I asked him if there is something else I should do. He has already assured me that my exercise level is fine (I do weights and cardio regularly) and my weight is fine (though I am not where I want to be - it’s always a constant struggle, but that’s a whole other entry). I do drink some coffee, (not a ton) and I do drink some alcohol (but never when there is a possibility of an implanted embryo). I know many women have stopped caffeine and any alcohol completely – maybe I need to do that. He said no, that should not be having any affect, and then, interestingly enough, before I had a chance to ask, he brought up acupuncture! He said he’s seen some very interesting results in patients and that he knew of someone if I was interested. Perfect! So I need to call and set up an appointment.

I am not expecting a miracle. Even if acupuncture helps, I know it is not and instantaneous result. But instead of thinking “Oh great, no IUI, this is horrible, it’s unfair” I’m thinking “Hey, maybe I’ll wind up pregnant without the use of a catheter! Ooohh.. and I save $ too!” And if it doesn’t work – well, there’s next month.

I still don't want to hear "Just relax" from fertile people!!! I don't care if I am trying to relax a little. If 'relaxing' was the only answer I would have been knocked up by March 2006.

See? The title "Good (and weird) Vibrations" wasn't just about the wand!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to truly "mellow out"? Without the use of wine or medication ;-)

No Fun on CD1

Let me start out by saying that I have been reading some very tragic IF blog entries this past week or so. Shattered hopes. Completely unfair outcomes. It makes my situation look like a party. It makes me sad and even more PO'd at life, the universe... people should be subjected to this.

I canceled the beta I had scheduled for tomorrow and have an appointment for Wednesday morning. Assuming there are no cysts, its back to the well-known routine of jabbing myself with needles while my ovaries produce lots of follicles that apparently spit out dud eggs. Or eggs that don’t get along w/ DH’s boys. Or eggs with an extra thick shell. Hell I don’t know.

Other than my short luteal phase which has long since been corrected, there has been no sign of any other problem. I should be thrilled, right?

Guess what? I’m not. Why? Because if there is no problem found, there is no answer to the question ‘Why can I not get pregnant?’ Without an answer, I will never have closure. Without an answer, there will never be a month where I don’t try, even if it’s just DIY method (do-it-yourself) because I'll think there is always the chance - remote as it may be - that I will become pregnant. I will never just 'relax' and 'forget about trying to get pregnant'.

If the end result is that I cannot have biological children, I want to know WHY. If I at least have a reason, even though the end result still sucks, I can maybe move forward more easily. Or if magically, some angel could come down and just tell me that I will never be pregnant... or that I will be pregnant, but not for another 3 months, 6 months, a year - whatever.

I know there has to be something causing this – I do not believe that at this point, it’s within the ‘normal’ range of failure. Maybe it is, if my short luteal phase prior to starting progesterone in June would have hindered any chance of pregnancy. (oh WHY didn’t I start looking things up earlier so I realized that a 9-10 day LP was too short last year? All those months, wasted…) If that is the case, then do I then assume I should only count my efforts since June? My RE is going to just love me on Wednesday because I am certainly going to be asking questions.

Anyway, there has to be something else wrong – but what? Egg/sper.m incompatibility? A uterus that won’t let anything implant? Old eggs?

Old eggs… have I mentioned that based on my gene pool, I should have super eggs at the age of 36? Oh yes! My mom (who has been so absolutely wonderful and supportive through this) is very involved with genealogy, so she has a history of people in my family and what age they were when they had kids, etc. No one was a ‘baby-machine’ – not a lot of HUGE families. But get this…The five generations before me – that would be back to my great-great-great grandmother – all became pregnant when they were over 39! One was 44!! No one, obviously, underwent fertility treatments.

Now what are the odds?! I mean, come on…. Back to my great-great-great grandmother?!? This makes me wonder WHY even more.

Am I making sense?

I did learn this month that symptoms or lack thereof mean nothing. After the day 7-8 phantom symptoms, there was nothing. Nada. Every other month I had a very sore chest. Last month my abdomen had a basketball inside plus the sore chest. (that sounds like I had a sore chest in my abdomen, doesn’t it?) Anyway, the end result is always the same. AF on dpo14.

I should have more faith. People tell me to have more faith. I read other IF blogs written by women who still have faith after being hit over and over with devastating news. Why can’t I have more faith? Why do I instead look up and tell the man upstairs that I am royally PO’d? Actually, my wording is a little less pleasant…if points were given out for faith, I would probably have zero right now.

Is it asking too much…

…to want to have biological children with the man I met at age 14? The man I was reunited with at age 32. The man who I have years of memories with from when we were teenagers, and now again, as adults. The man who would make such a great dad.

…to want my parents to have grandchildren? I’m their only child.

…to want to at least know the physical reason behind my IF, so I can come to terms with it and move on, and not wonder every month for the rest of my life (until menopause) if perhaps, by some miracle, this month it ‘worked’?

…to at least have the desire to have children go away if I just wasn’t meant to conceive, so I can again, move on?

I guess maybe it is.

Red.

You get the picture.

As always - 13dpiui - which is today - I see just a little bit of AF. Tomorrow should be official CD 1.

Yeah - my body is so regular and so responsive to meds. Does things nicely every month - except get pregnant.

I can finally write something w/out crying.

White.

11dpiui. POAS. Negative. As usual.

Phantom Symptoms, Dreams and Whining.

This post is just me basically being a whiney brat. I have nothing of substance to offer.

Thank you for finally going away, phantom pregnancy symptoms, brought on by mean ol' progesteron.e.

I was going out of my mind the past two days. Today is 9dpiui... guess what I felt at 7dpiui? Mild headache, nausea and a lot of heaviness and cramping. Implantation? Most likely another cruel joke, courtesy of progesteron.e. I had the same thing last month. Oh, and I had heartburn and my face suddenly broke out too. These phantom symptoms just made it harder to NOT think about things. It's hard to not obsess when your body keeps saying 'Hey! This is what it might be like if you could actually get your eggs to cooperate - but you can't! HAHAHA!'

It gets better. Yesterday, 8dpiui, some more heaviness and cramping, though less intense, bad headache, heartburn, and the desire to cry every 10 seconds - mainly because I'm so sure this cycle is another bust. I actually started getting really pissed off - so much so that I started writing down my 'symptoms' on a piece of paper followed by a string of expletives. Now that's certainly mature and productive, isn't it?

Did I forget to mention the vivid dreams the past three nights? Of course I looked that up and found all these google entries about vivid dreams and pregnancy. Last night was the 'best' - the dream included me POAS and seeing two lines! I was excited! Then in my dream I thought 'Wait, maybe I made a mistake' and then I looked again and the lines were still there, then it's almost like I knew I was dreaming - in my dream - and that the lines weren't real. Lots of fun.

Thankfully, all phantom symptoms are gone today so I didn't have the 2ww on my mind the entire day.

Don't ask me why I am so sure this is another BFN month. Maybe it's to try and minimize the sting when AF shows up late in the day Sun. This is my second IUI w/injectables. I had two IUIs w/Clomid. There appears to be nothing wrong w/me or DH. What the hell? I hate no explanations. I freaking hate it. If I can't get pregnant I want to know WHY.

And if I see another ad for the damn "Knocked Up" DVD I'm going to break the TV.

Maybe I should sit down and relax with a glass of wine - oh wait, can't do that in case I'm pregnant. What a joke.


(and no, I'm not going to have a glass of wine, just in case)

Tired of the 2ww already at 7dpiui

Ah, the half point mark of the 2ww torture. I can’t even obsess about symptoms of any kind because I know the sneaky progesteron.e mimics pregnancy symptoms. Last month I had everything – a larger, (ugh!) sensitive chest, all sorts of abdominal twinges, starting around day 8 - almost like implantation twinges! Now that’s just cruel, evil progesterone.e!! By 11dpiui my abdomen felt like there was a basketball in it. I even had heartburn. I didn’t have any false hope though since I POAS on day 12 and saw nothing but white, white, white. AF just started to show on day 13, so it had to be the progesterone.e. Canceled the day 14 beta I had scheduled. So, any symptoms just annoy me since I figure it’s just progesterone.e – if the symptoms were from pregnancy, I would love them! Bring on the bloating, soreness, everything!

I have no idea what this cycle will bring. I am scared to death of a BFN, but I have to get myself ready for it. I am scared because as each month goes by, I get older – I’ll be 37 in a little over 5 months. RE said in one of my first visits that my age has not yet affected my fertility, based on my response to meds. But that doesn’t mean my eggs are necessarily up to par. I’ve never had any type of pregnancy – chemical, anything. That makes me think there is an egg-level issue.
I’m just not happy right now. I’m a lot more emotional that I have been during this time in other cycles. (wait – is that a symptom?!? (smacking self) stop it!) I even POAS shortly after the HCG shot(s). Why? Because I wanted to see two pink lines for once in my life, even if I knew it wasn’t from being pregnant. I know that’s weird, and already assumes that I won’t ever be seeing those 2 wonderful lines, which is not the right attitude.

On Saturday, I went to small get-together. There were six other females there, of which five had multiple children. Now, I already knew there would be a lot of kids at the gathering, which was no problem. I didn’t become silently miserable until I found out two of the five were pregnant again. The other female there had sadly lost a pregnancy early in the year and she was happy and doing fine, so I told myself to stop being such a wussy.

Oh, did I mention that I will no longer have a job in 2 weeks? That makes me even more cheerful. I shouldn’t really moan about it – I was not surprised. I am a sub-contactor, and the company just received unexpected funding cuts. So, quite a few people here are going to be out of work – even some full-time employees. The company that that subs me out to other places is very cool, and is already working on finding me a ‘home’ somewhere else. I just happen to really like my job here. I do have a small ‘at home’ business that generates a little extra money - and the type of business is somewhat ironic, considering my situation. I’ll talk about that some other time.

The Sponge.

I found out this week that my dental hygienist became pregnant while using the contraceptive sponge. Isn’t that exciting?

Perhaps I should elaborate and explain why this is relevant to anything at all ;-)

I had my standard 6 month dental visit this week. The hygienist was someone I had not had before. She was probably in her 50’s, maybe? She has a daughter in college – anyway, before she started she asked me if I was taking any medications. I paused because I just stopped the injections and was going to start the progesterone.e, and then thought those probably were not relevant. However, by that point I had paused long enough that it would have seemed odd if I said ‘No’. So I said matter-of-factly that this probably wasn’t relevant but I was undergoing some fertility assistance. Now, I knew that by saying that I might get questions, but I said it in such a ‘clinical’ way that I hoped there would be no discussion.

What was I thinking? Of course there was going to be a discussion! She said right away ‘Oh, is it working?’ I said no, not yet. Then she said that ‘you never know what might happen.’ As she started her next statement, I thought maybe she had undergone some type of fertility treatment. Ummm… no, quite the opposite. She announced ‘Yes, you never know – I mean, I got pregnant while using the sponge! Remember the sponge?’

Now THAT was not something I was expecting to hear. It might have been less amusing sounding if she had said ‘while on the pill’ or ‘while using condoms’. Well, at least I didn’t feel like I had gotten too personal by mentioning the fertility stuff!

Ok, now, before I go any further, I will say that her comments did not upset me. Maybe I would have felt different if that had been a day that AF had arrived, or if I had been undergoing treatments for a longer time, but the way she said things – it was almost in such an innocent, amusing way that it didn’t bother me. Plus, I could have just kept my fat trap shut about things in the first place.

So anyway, she announced her sponge pregnancy, and all I could think of was that her husband must have been sponge worthy. (any Seinfeld fans out there?) She then explained how it was her and her husband’s second marriage, they were going to wait a year before deciding whether to have kids or not, and then 5 months later she found out she was 2 months pregnant.

‘So, you see,’ she said, ‘You really never know what can happen!’

I guess I don’t have to explain why this is NOT a good example to use when trying to give a pep talk to someone who can’t get pregnant. ‘Hey, you can’t get pregnant, but don’t worry! I got pregnant while trying to totally avoid it! Don’t you feel better?’

I couldn’t say too much since she was cleaning my teeth.

As it turned out, it may have been relevant to mention the fertility treatment. She mentioned that my gums seemed a little tender and were bleeding a little, but it was probably due to the hormone changes – that hormone levels could affect the gum area (I never heard that before) and that I should be extra diligent with my brushing and flossing. Anyway, my dentist came in for a quick check after the cleaning was finished, and of course she announced to my dentist that I was taking fertility drugs so that’s why my gums may seem a little inflamed. At least my dentist, who happens to be female, didn’t also start asking questions – she just sort of nodded her head and let it go. (Thank you, smart, considerate dentist!)

Later that night, I started obsessing about my ovulation and the timing of everything… and the obsessive thought process came right back to the damn sponge! I was calculating when I may have ovulated and if DH’s boys would be in the area at the right time. I’m almost positive I did O on Tuesday night, based on symptoms I was having…. The HCG shot fiasco aside – assuming I O’d around 9:00pm on Sept. 17….This is my thought process:

[Start obsessive thought process]

Step 1…
Ok, there was activity with DH Sept 15, late at night. That’s less than 48 hours before O – the boys should still be there, waiting… but maybe my CM wasn’t up to par yet since I just stopped the ganireli.x on Sept 14… so maybe the boys had trouble getting through! Damn..

Step 2…
Ok, well, I had the IUI at 10:30am Sept. 17… but some places on-line said that if the boys were ‘washed’ for an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours, and some places said as little as 6 or 12 hours!!! What if they only lived 12 hours or less?! They may have died off between 10:30am and 9:00pm!!! [start panic]

Step 3…
Well, there was more activity on the morning of Sept. 18, less than 12 hours since O started… the egg lives 24 hours… but I always heard it was much better to have the boys waiting ahead of time – what if that was too late?!?

Step ^!&$!$....
I can’t believe it! I may have missed it! There was BD before and after and the IUI the day of but I probably missed the right time by a few hours! !!!!^&!$^~!#~%!#%@~#

[and back to the sponge issue] I may have missed it because of the short life span of washed boys or because of less than perfect CM, and someone with a damn sponge blocking the entryway and everything, gets pregnant? DANN IT!

[End obsessive thought process]

Yes, I know I got myself worked up over probably nothing, and if I get yet another BFN this month, it’s most likely related to something else. Or at least that is what I’m trying to tell myself.

And it’s only 4dpiui. This is going to be a long two weeks.

Me, My RE, IUI and the HCG

Well, the 2WW now officially starts. I had my last ultrasound on Saturday morning, and the final sizes of the ‘Big 4’ follicles were:

(drum roll……)
18,17,16,15

There were actually two more 15’s, but apparently there is only about a 30% chance that they would mature enough to release an egg. But, since there were 3 of them, there’s a chance at least one will release. RE had me wait until Sunday morning to inject the HCG trigger so the follicles could mature a little bit more. I had my IUI at 10:30am today. I probably won’t ovulate until later this evening since it takes 36 hours after the HCG trigger, but RE said that would be fine.

Speaking of my RE – a few people have commented (and thanks again for the comments!) that their RE doesn’t do the ultrasounds, etc. My RE doesn’t do them all the time – usually an assistant does them and then he comes in afterwards and goes over the results with me. But when it gets close to the end, he tends to do one or two of the ultrasounds. This Saturday, it was only him and one nurse in the office so he did the ultrasound - their office isn’t always open on Saturdays. Anyway, I do seem him at some point at every single appointment! He always goes over everything in detail, how things are progressing, etc. I was surprised that some people barely see their RE! I figured mine might be more attentive than some, but I guess I lucked out more than I realized!

Anyway, back to the HCG trigger and the expected O time….there is a slight chance that I may not ovulate until tomorrow…. And why is that you wonder? Well, let me tell you the story of a moron (me) who has the coordination skills of … of…. Ok, I just don’t have any coordination skills.

Me = DUH.

Sunday morning – time for the trigger!! Yay! Ok, so I open the package – the syringe is already all set up – all I need to do is take it out, jam it into my thigh and press the little ‘plunger’ – same routine as always. Simple, yes? Not for me! Somehow, and don’t ask me how, because I don’t even know myself, when I took syringe out of the package, the end that you press down on… well that came off… some spilled onto the counter.

I just stood there, looking at some of my precious HCG trigger in a tiny puddle on the counter. I had the other end in my hand – I was so freaked out that I was frozen for a moment, but I did manage to keep the other end in a position so nothing else was spilling out. So I quickly jammed the needle into my thigh, grabbed the other end, put it back in and injected the rest. I inserted the needle end right away, before putting the plunger end back on because I figured more liquid would come out the needle as soon as I put it back together and I did not want to lose any more!!

Yes, this did happen. I couldn’t make up a story this idiotic.

So I sit around, silently freaking out for about two hours. It’s Sunday – I knew I couldn’t get any more medication. I knew I did inject some. I thought perhaps 2/3 of it, but then I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know whether to call my RE or what… I finally broke down and called my RE’s answering service and left a message for him to call. I figured if there was any problem maybe he would need to reschedule things, or maybe he would tell me I didn’t need the whole shot and I could stop having a heart attack. All I knew at the time was that I couldn’t concentrate on anything whatsoever. I was furious at myself – I go through all this, finally get the size and number of follicles needed, and I screw up the simple HCG shot?!?!?!? I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry.

RE called back shortly and, feeling like the ultimate brain child, I relayed the story to him. He asked how much I thought I injected and I told him, and he said that there is indeed more than you need in the shot, and I should be ok. He said he had some in the office and would normally run in and let me come get another shot, just to be on the safe side. (This guy is just so awesome!) But, he was an hour and a half away – I of course understood and never even imagined he would run into the office for me, even if he was close by! And since it was Sunday, there was really no place to get the medication because the specialty pharmacies that would carry it were closed. He said he thought I would be ok.

Ok, so that made me feel a little better, but I was pretty preoccupied all day, thinking about the situation and wanting to kick myself 500 times.

I did wind up getting a ‘backup’ shot today. When my RE came in to do the IUI, he said that I really was probably ok, but if I wanted, he would give me another HCG shot so if I hadn’t injected enough, I was covered – I would just ovulate tomorrow night at the latest. Of course, that isn’t the best timing since my IUI is today, but the boys are supposed to last at least 48 hours, right? Oh wait... just found this online.... if the boys are 'washed', which is done with an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours. Damn. I'd better ovulate today or that was a wasted IUI. I am an idiot!!!

Anyway, RE did say to make sure that there was additional activity with DH tomorrow, just in case. The only side effect would be if I had indeed injected enough, then this second shot would cause my ovaries to swell even more and I might be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable? Who cares?!? Give me the backup shot!! So as I lay there after my IUI, one of the nurses came in and gave me the shot.

Oh, and RE did say that he hadn’t run into this before (someone spilling the HCG shot) He said this in a nice way – he didn’t say it like ‘Wow, you’re a real ass. I’ve been in practice 20 years and no one has managed to do what you did.’ I of course, still felt (and still feel) like a real boob.

So I should hopefully ovulate tonight… or maybe tomorrow. (sigh) Usually I can feel it – I get pretty crampy and have a very heavy feeling in my abdomen, which then subsides. I would have posted yesterday about my IUI being today, but I just did not feel like posting – was trying not to think about how I may have messed things up. I feel a little better now that I have had the backup shot. I do hope I ovulate today – would be so much better with the IUI being this morning, but there will be activity tomorrow to cover me in case of a later O. I start my progesterone.e (ugh) on Wednesday and my beta is scheduled for October 2.

So if anyone is ever worried because a drop of the HCG came out of the needle before you injected it, don’t worry! A drop is no big deal – just don’t spill it on the counter!!

The Details of My Follicles

I am so sure everyone is just dying to know all about my follicles. ;-)

Well, things are plugging along… I expected to be ready for the IUI by now (today is cd15) but my follicles aren’t quite big enough yet. Here’s the scoop:

I had an appointment with RE yesterday, Sept. 13. My estrogen level had dropped, he said, because of the decreased gonal.f dosage (to try and keep too many follicles from becoming mature so I don’t release 8 eggs) and the ganireli.x, and he was a little concerned that it may have had an adverse effect on follicle development. He said that sometimes happens, and then the cycle is a bust (argh! I don’t want to hear that!) Anyway, the follicle growth had slowed, but not to the point of a ‘cycle bust.’ In fact, what we hoped would happen was happening – four of the ‘Big 8’ backed off and four continued to get larger. So, the ‘Big 4’ sizes were:

Right: 15, 15
Left: 16, 15

Alright!! But, he said to come back in for another check up the next day (which was today) because I wasn’t quite ready for the hcg trigger yet. Oh well - I had hoped the IUI could have been Saturday, but no big deal I guess.

Later on, I received a call from the nurse at the RE’s office. After reviewing my bloodwork, he wanted me to take 225 of the gonal.f in the evening! The biggest dose I ever had was 150. I guess he wanted to start moving those follies along now that some had backed off. So, I took my two shots and went back this morning for another follie look-see.

The follicle sizes didn’t change a whole lot, except one more started catching up a bit. I did not write down the sizes this time, but RE said there were 4, and now possibly 5 that would were about ready, but not quite yet….. and could I come back in tomorrow? (Sat.) He apologized for ‘micro managing’ this cycle, but said that things were ‘so close’ to being optimal that he didn’t want to trigger too early, or wind up with too many follicles and have to cancel, etc. Hey, I don’t mind - who wouldn’t want a RE who is this attentive?! Based on the sizes of everything this month compared to last, I am even more positive than ever that I triggered too early last month.

Sooo…. The nurse from the office just called and I am supposed to take 125 of the gonal.f tonight (which is actually 112.5 – the pen doesn’t have a 125 setting) and of course the ‘you better not ovulate on your own!’ ganireli.x shot. My appointment is at 8am tomorrow and my IUI is now probably going to be Monday or Tuesday.

I’ll close this entry with a little embarrassing ultrasound moment. Yesterday, I kind of had to go to the bathroom, but not terribly, while at my appointment. I went to go and then they called me in, and since it was no where near an emergency, I didn’t bother to go. So I’m laying there in the ‘position’, here comes the wand… and then RE says ‘So, your bladder is a little full….’

Uhhh… yeah. I feel my face turning red. I say I don’t have to go that badly… and uh, he can tell? Oh yeah, he said, there are no secrets with this thing. I then got to see the dark area on the ultrasound monitor that represented my wonderful bladder. Apparently it was full enough to be pressing on my uterus and was in the way a little. (I really didn’t have to go that bad! Honest!) I don’t know why I was so thoroughly embarrassed – obviously this is miniscule compared to the things he’s seen. For some reason though, I felt like such a doofus!! Like a little kid who was afraid to use the toilet or something.

I made sure to go the bathroom just moments before today’s appointment!

It's hard to come up with a title today....

Before I get into the events of the day… Please remember all those who died and all the families who lost loved ones on this tragic day six years ago.

Six years ago today, I was sitting in my office and heard a commotion in the hall – my co-worker’s wife had just called because she was watching TV and just heard that a plane hit the WTC. We all thought it was a terrible accident. I called my mom to see if she knew – during that time the second plane hit and everyone tried to get to news sites on the Internet to find out what was going on. All the web sites were already jammed and we couldn’t get anywhere, even though we were on a T-1 line. Someone put on a radio. We found out that the planes that hit the buildings were passenger planes. I pretty much lost it after that…

I don’t remember exactly when we found out about the Pentagon and the other plane that crashed in PA. I lost it again when an IM popped up on my screen from a friend – it said this:

“I think Bob is dead!!”

Bob worked across the street from the WTC and no one could reach him on his cell phone. Thankfully, he is still alive.

When the towers finally fell, I was in the back area of our office building, with everyone else, listening to the description of them crashing down on the radio. I was looking out a window as it happened - just staring out and listening.

One of my duties that week was to post certain emergency information on a hospital web site – one of the company's clients was a major hospital in the NY area that was treating many from the WTC.

I was glued to the TV for days.

May such an atrocity never happen again. May we never ever forget.

I debated whether to wait until tomorrow to post anything else. It seems odd to talk about 9/11 and then go right into follicle counts.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I mentioned that I had a total of 16 follicles, 8 which were on the bigger side. Four of that 'Big 8' were on the larger side, and it seemed as if the smaller four from that eight may not catch up, which was the optimal situation – 4 mature eggs releasing for the upcoming IUI. I was excited to see where things stood this morning.

*Sigh*

Here are my current ‘Big 8’ follicle sizes:
Right: 13, 13, 12, 12, 12
Left: 15, 13, 12

Oh, now come ON!! Why do they now insist on all catching up to each other!?

Arrrghhh!!

My poor RE, who did my ultrasound this morning instead of the assistant, just sighed as he took the measurements and said “These couldn’t be any closer together.” The look of concern came across his face, just like last month. I don’t have to cancel the cycle at this point because even though the sizes are so close, they are still small enough that we still may be able to get half of them to get bigger and not all eight. Plus, my RE said my previous estrogen level was not outlandishly high. So, my tentative protocol was 100 gonal.f and the ganireli.x tomorrow morning, though he said he really wanted to look at my blood work results in the afternoon, and I would be notified if anything was to change. I go back Thursday morning for another follie look-see.

He also said my current uterine lining measurement – 6 – was a little thin. Isn’t it supposed to be at least 8? Or maybe it’s still early? I didn’t ask him to elaborate today for various reasons, but if it is still low at my next appointment I will ask for more details.

I was pretty sure by the follicle sizes, before he even said anything that I probably wasn’t going to take my trigger shot tonight for a Thurs. IUI. It looks like it may be on Saturday, which actually would work very nicely because I won’t have to even think about scheduling work around it.

While I would prefer not to have a little army of follies all the same dang size, I was very happy to find out they at least still existed. See, this morning, I thought it would be a neat idea to work myself into a frenzy over nothing.

Here’s what happened: I took the gonal.f and ganireli.x yesterday as directed. However, I got the bright idea to check my cm this morning – for what reason, I don’t know – and expected to see the ‘you’re close to ovulation but not quite yet’ type. Instead I got the ‘Hey, you already ovulated’ type… you know, white, clumpy, not stretchy… (TMI?)

I had a minor heart attack. I panicked. I thought ‘Oh no, I didn’t administer the shot right and I OVULATED YESTERDAY FRICKIN’ EVENING!!” This is all going on at 6a.m. I actually debated whether to go jump on sleeping DH and attack him, then figured if the cm was already at that stage it was too late and there was no point in frightening the poor man at that hour. I didn’t have time plop in front of the computer and start plugging in terms to see if cm changes were a side effect of ganireli.x. I tried to tell myself that that had to be the case – that in preventing ovulation, it probably also changes the mucus. Then I thought “I took the shot in the morning on Sunday and didn’t take it until the evening yesterday – maybe I took it too late and by the time I took it I had already ovulated!!!! %$!” Now, my RE had said to take it in the evening, but I then thought perhaps I misunderstood, or he had thought I had administered the shot on Sunday later than I did. Oh my was I worried until I saw those dark spots on the ultrasound monitor.

I did ask the RE today about the cm thing (left out the details - he still must have thought I was a real genius) He said that the ganireli.x would affect my estrogen level and that the decrease in estrogen would cause the cm to change.

Note to self – forget checking cm while taking injectibles!

I received a call from one of the nurses later in the afternoon. Apparently my estrogen level is dropping quite a bit (ah HA! More confirmation on the cm issue!), so instead of just one dose of 100 gonal.f and a dose of ganireli.x tomorrow morning, it’s 125 gonal.f and a shot of ganireli.x tonight and tomorrow night.

May those dang follicles cooperate!

Football and Follies

Yesterday, I actually stopped thinking about follicle size for a few hours as I watched football and concentrated on seeing my favorite team lose (arrgh!!) DH and I both love to watch football and once the season starts so does our Sunday ritual of going up to our favorite hangout nearby to watch a game, screaming a lot at the TV, and jumping around high-fiving everyone when something good happens. People we haven’t seen since the Superbowl are there too - it was like football reunion day yesterday. So there were some mood swings going on yesterday, but all related to football. :)

My ultrasound this morning gave me a little encouragement. The reduced dosage of gonal.f seemed to have the desired effect. I have a total of 16 follicles, but eight are small. Of the eight bigger ones, 4-5 are very similar in size (around 12-14) and the other three are enough smaller that my RE doesn’t think they will ‘catch up’ to the others. (to recap: RE doesn’t want more than 4-5 follicles releasing, fearing I’ll suddenly become Fertile Woman and wind up with triplets) Sooo… he said I was to keep gonal.f at 75 and to continue the ganireli.x., but to wait for confirmation after he reviewed my blood work. He then asked me if I would be fired from my job if he asked me to come in tomorrow. I said no … (luckily I can just go in a little early and skip lunch) So I go back at 8:45am on Tuesday. Later in the afternoon, one of the nurses called and told me that after reviewing my blood work, RE wanted me move the gonal.f shot back up to 150.

I am guessing that the IUI will be on Thursday or Friday, depending on the ultrasound results tomorrow. The feeling of a little hopefulness that I had early Saturday (before I started feeling like crappola about everything) came back today, especially after the encouraging ‘follicle farm’ update. I also greatly appreciate the comments I have received – they help too. Thank you. :)

Not much else to report... I am having one side effect from the injectibles (I assume it is related to the inectibles anyway...) which is very irritating. I have not decided if I should post about it - of course, technically I am posting about it since I just mentioned it. Oh I don't know - I'll decide later!

Not Much

Two shots this morning (I'm getting to be an expert) Felt hopeful about this cycle this morning, now feeling the exact opposite. What happened??

I might be irritating.

I know I'm a newbie.

As I obsessively read other IF blogs (which have really helped me maintain my sanity - and has anyone noticed that these blogs (this one not included!) are almost always witty and eloquently written?) I almost feel like I must come across as a real ignoramus, since I have so far been through nothing compared to most. I hope my ramblings here don't come across like a whiney brat who is complaining because hasn't gotten her way immediately. Do I sound like that? If I do, please let me know - while I won't particularly enjoy hearing that, I would rather be told than to continue to write posts that irritate anyone who may stumble across this.

I mean, I'm screaming about paying for medication - how many have read that and thought 'Oh boy, you're yelling about that? Haven't you heard about IVF?' I posted earlier that I've never seen a BFP - I'm sure some might think 'Yeah, would you rather have that and then miscarry? Then you'll have something to complain about!'

I know I have things to be thankful for - but I am still scared, worried, apprehensive... terrified...
I was beside myself the day I started this blog - started it shortly after I knew the last cycle was a bust. I felt, and still feel like there is something wrong with me - just wrong wrong wrong. If I start thinking about it I start to get teary eyed (very embarrassing when you're at the gym - I'm sure people wonder what the hell I could be crying about on a elliptical machine)

Well, as I was writing the above, the RE's office called.... change in procedure. I guess my bloodwork came back with some interesting results. Not sure what, the nurse did not say, but I am guessing at least creeping LH levels. instead of taking 115 gona.l f tonight and tomorrow and skipping Sunday, I am supposed to skip tonight, then take 100 tomorrow morning, then 75 on Sunday. I also need to take the ganarelli.x. I'll be interested to see what's going on with the marching follies on Monday.

The March of the Follies.

15 follies. 8 on the right, 7 on the left. About seven are on the smaller size. Of the bigger eight, six are all very close in size, and the other two are a bit bigger. This is similar to last month, when my RE had me trigger a little early so that all the follies did not release, just the dominant one or two and maybe one or two others. Well, obviously I’m not pregnant, so RE thought (as do I) that there was the possibility that I wound up only releasing one egg, maybe two. Soooo… in the quest to produce four eggs, I am supposed to reduce the 150 gona.l f to 115 or so (there is no exact measurement on the pen for that amount to it’s an estimate) for tonight and Saturday. I then skip Sunday night and go in Monday morning to see what’s up in my mini follicle farm. Hopefully, the lower dose will allow the big two to keep going, as well as just two of the other six.

And to think that I knew nothing about follicle sizes a few months ago.

I may also be taking ganireli.x, depending on how my blood work looks. I’ll know this afternoon. If the LH is starting to go up, RE wants me to take that as a precaution so I don’t start ovulating all by myself. It’s unlikely, but I better safe than sorry!

Come on, let’s hear it for four! Four, four, FOUR!!! Not more! (oh look, a rhyme)
I am afraid if there are more than that, RE may want to cancel… though since, as far as I know, none of my stubborn eggs have ever decided to implant, (never had any type of slight BFP in any way, shape or form) I can’t imagine that suddenly, four or five will latch on at once.

Anyway, luckily, I feel fine now. This past Mon-Wed, I felt lousy – my side and abdomen hurt like mad, I had a constant headache and would become nauseous for no reason. I assume it was the injectibles, though last month the only thing I noticed was a very achy side and abdomen… or should I say an abdomen that felt like it had a grapefruit sitting in it? Oddly enough, I never had one side effect from c.lomid, except for a terrible case of acne the first month I took it. I was very surprised because I read many blogs and message boards where people had such terrible side effects.

Oh well, back to work I guess…

Ps….FOUR!!!! (maybe five, just in case!)

Real Quick....

Well, the follies are plugging along. Oddly enough, I have been having pain on my left side but it's by right side that has more follicles. I think everything looks similar to last month so far - RE asked me if it was ok to be rather 'aggressive' this cycle.... ok, hmmmm..... let me think... uh, YES???!??! He then said he just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. More later, walking out the door at the moment....

It's the Weekend (what an unoriginal title)

Yay, the weekend! It's Saturday morning and I'm waiting for Fedex to deliver 'the goods.' I have some left from last cycle so I was able to start poking myself with needles last night.

My appointment yesterday did go fine - everything was normal. When my RE came in, he looked genuinely puzzled - was surprised to find me not pregnant. I said 'Well, I guess we don't have to worry about multiple births!' since he was extremely worried that too many eggs would release last cycle and I'd wind up with triplets. In fact, he had me use the trigger shot slightly early because there were about 5 follicles at around 14 (along with two others around 16 or 17 I think - can't remember exactly). He envisioned all of the 14's marching along to become mature and release. Ha, maybe if I had waited and released 7 eggs, one of the darn things would have met up w/ some of DH's boys and I wouldn't even be writing this right now.

Anyway, RE was also glad, and slightly surprised that everything had 'cleared out' in my ovaries - he thought that since I had responded 'so well' to the injectibles that there was a possibility of some 'residual' - I guess he means a cyst. (I'm still a newbie in many areas - please bear with me). Yeah, I responded wonderfully to the clomid too. My HSG was 'beautiful' according to the Dr. who performed that. Ok, so my ovaries love fertility drugs. My ovaries love to ovulate, especially my left one. DH has super boys who can get the 'whole block pregnant' (a quote from his Dr.) Soooo.... shouldn't I be pregnant?! Oh wait, am I just on the wrong block? Let me run over to the pregnancy block.....

Now, I realize that I am very lucky to not have the many problems other women experience - so I shouldn't whine. I know in that respect I am lucky. It's just since there is no explanation, I'm frustrated, and I have this feeling that there must be something else - something else wrong. I have read about immune problems and wonder if there is some issue with that. I kind of asked him if there could be something else going on, and he said that there is always that possibility but he just really didn't think so. Last month's cycle bust was still very well in the normal range of things 'just not working' - you know, even in a perfect cycle, there's only a 20% chance of conceiving, etc. My RE was very highly recommended - he's been in practice for over 20 years and developed one of the first successful IVF prgrams in my state. I do like him, he does listen, he takes time to talk to you and such, so I do trust his judgment, but.... I am still going to read up on the whole immune thing. It can't hurt.

Of course, I shouldn't worry since this cycle will work - right? RIGHT?! (trying to find positive attitude - I know it's here somewhere...)

Anyhoooo... ok, so it's the same level of gona.l f as last month (150). Still concerned about my fertility-drug-loving ovaries pumping out too many eggs (hey girls - how about just generating a good one? You know, quality over quantity?!) RE said he did not want to increase the dosage. My next check-up is Sept. 5.

Happy Labor Day to all.

$!!#!$

Great. My insurance has a cap on what they will pay for fertility medication per year- and that has just run out. Anyone who has taken injectibles knows how much money they are. (yes, I know no where near what IVF costs... I am sure those who have gone through IVF must think I'm an idiot right now.) Will post more later when I am not at work (after all, I need to make the $$$ to pay to try and create what billions of people create for free) and when I am not about to explode. I do realize that so many of you out there have had to put out WAY more than this, and I should not be whining about it. This just caught me off guard - just another added little stress. This sucks.

Just as I wrote the above, the pharmacy called to set up delivery of my very expensive little gona.l f pens. The woman on the phone told me that in the unfortunate case that this cycle doesn't work, (argh) and I try again next month and get the meds through them and that cycle also does not work, (ARGH!) medication after that is free through their pharmacy. That brought my blood pressure down a good bit.

Maybe this cycle will work. Why do I feel like it won't? That's not the right attitude - I know. And I need to be working, not posting. I'm just so aggravated right now.

Here we go again.

So, I have an appointment at 8:30am today for 'baseline' blood work and an ultrasound. Then, assuming everything is normal, it's back to gona.l f, ovidre.l, yada yada...

In the past two days, it feels like my abdomen shrank to half it's size. Dr. did tell me that I might experience bloating and cramping because my ovaries were huge due to the injections. I must say, he was right. It didn't get too bad until I started those "great" prometrium pills.

Have I mentioned that I can't stand pro(yuck)gesterone? I know I need to take it, but it makes me tired and irritable. My mood doesn't get any better as my chest decides that this would be a great time to increase in size each time I start the darn pills. (And that is something I really do NOT need)

Ooops - time to go.

In the beginning.....

My friend Mike created a blog for me years ago. I never used it or created another blog due to web page burnout. See, I used to maintain a very large personal web site (which still exists, just has not been updated). My life was about web sites – and finally, quite a few years ago, I got tired of the whole personal web site thang, though I still work with web sites on a daily basis. More about that later… anyhoo… years ago Mike told me about blogs – before blogs were popular. I thought that perhaps one day I would start one.

I never would have imagined that my first blog would be based on unsuccessful attempts to become pregnant. Politics, cats, my life in general, social issues, dieting, beer, football – any of those topics would seem more likely subjects for my first blog.

In the recent months, as I have scoured the Internet under search terms such as “12dpo”, IUI, BFN, “age related infertility” and all sorts of other fun stuff, I have come across many blogs dealing with this same issue. These blogs were so interesting that I wound up reading years worth of posts in many of them. I found useful information in these blogs, and was fascinated by how many women described exactly how I felt – but with a sense of humor. Not that the situations are funny in the least – I guess it’s hard to explain (or I just can’t write worth a darn!)

I kept thinking as I read these blogs, “I’ve been there.” Those blogs helped inspire this one. For some reason though, I never did post a comment on any of them.

And yes, there is a point to this. While this area can be a place for me to just vent, I am also creating this for others. I hope my rants here will somehow help someone else. Maybe my ramblings won’t do anyone any good – maybe people will read this and think “Egads, what a moron! Please – don’t procreate!” Who knows.

I will end my first entry with some current ‘stats’ on my situation.

My age: 36
Dear Hubby (DH) age: 36
Neither of us have any children. We have been married since the fall of 2005 - this is the first marriage for both of us. We started ‘trying’ in late spring of 2006. However, we did not become too worried until around December 2006… obviously, if we could go back in time, we would have been more aggressive immediately.

Reason for infertility: unknown. Both of us have been tested and no problems have been found. I ovulate at the same time each month, even w/out any meds. (If you haven't already guessed, this blog will have plenty of 'TMI') The only thing that could have been a possible problem early on was a short luteal phase – mine would usually only last about 9-10 days. Progesterone (which make me irritable and bloated – ugh!) corrected that with no problem.

Current treatments to date:

March 2007: HSG test - perfectly normal.

April 2007 – SA for DH – perfectly normal. Urologist told me he could get everyone on the block pregnant. Yes, he really said that.

April 2007 – Clomid 50mg.

May 2007 – Clomid 100mg.

June 2007 – Clomid 100mg, first consultation with fertility specialist. Pinpointed luteal phase defect (LPD) Had consult in time to have first HCG trigger shot and IUI at the end of June. Used progesterone suppositories. Dr. told me, based on blood tests and my ultrasounds that I do not seem to have any age related fertility issues – that my ovaries are responding to the Clomid very well. I really think he thought I would wind up pregnant this month.

July 2007 - Clomid 100mg, HCG trigger, IUI, progesterone. Switched from suppositories to prometrium pills to try and reduce side effects.

August 2007 - Gonal-F injections, Ovidrel, IUI, prometrium pills. My Dr. was concerned that I may wind up with triplets because I had so many nice little mature follicles. He was actually genuinely concerned about this!

Hahahaha! Worried about multiple births – I’ll be lucky if one of my darn eggs ever gets anywhere. See, AF just started dropping by today – just enough to indicate that yes, this month was again a bust. Today is 13dpiui (13 days past the day I had my IUI). Just like clockwork – every month since I started progesterone, AF has swung by for a moment on day 13, then came to stay on day 14. Of course, my beta (blood test to see if I am pregnant) was always scheduled for day 14. The past two months, I have gone ahead with the blood tests since AF hadn’t come to stay for a while just yet. (see what a wonderful optimist I am?) Of course, by the time I received the phone call with my beta results, AF was already here. Today, I called and cancelled tomorrow’s blood test as I am sure AF is here to stay, as usual. I am supposed to call and let them know when AF is in full swing, and then I suppose it's on to the next step - I assume the same protocol as this past month (Gonal-f, etc etc)

What the *bleep, expletive, bleep, EXPLETIVE* is wrong? Are my eggs bad? Many women in my family going back many generations became pregnant in their 40’s. I don’t get it.

I guess some people may read this and say “Well, you shouldn't have waited so long.” Maybe so, but what was I supposed to do? Should I have married just anyone at a younger age? Should I have just gotten pregnant and not worried about being married? I wish I was younger. DH and I both wish we were younger.

I know I am lucky in the fact that I nor DH have any major medical issue – but the totally unexplained is very frustrating and heartbreaking, because there is no reason – no explanation.

Back to Mike – the one who told me how cool blogs were – this is a note to him:

[ start Mike message ] Mike, if you read this – remember when we were all in that toy store years ago, and there was a big purple hippo (I think it was a hippo?) and I said loudly, “That’s a big-ass purple hippo” (or something like that) I then realized that it isn’t too bright to be saying ‘big-ass’ in a toy store with children around, and we joked about how it must be obvious if someone doesn't have kids b/c they yell 'big-ass' in toy stores? Then you said (not loudly) ‘Look at all these effing toys!’ and I went into hysterics. Anyway, seeing your blog again today also inspired this one. I am sorry I have not kept in touch. [ end Mike message ]

And thus ends my first blog entry. Let’s see if I actually continue with this whole blog thang….