No Fun on CD1

Let me start out by saying that I have been reading some very tragic IF blog entries this past week or so. Shattered hopes. Completely unfair outcomes. It makes my situation look like a party. It makes me sad and even more PO'd at life, the universe... people should be subjected to this.

I canceled the beta I had scheduled for tomorrow and have an appointment for Wednesday morning. Assuming there are no cysts, its back to the well-known routine of jabbing myself with needles while my ovaries produce lots of follicles that apparently spit out dud eggs. Or eggs that don’t get along w/ DH’s boys. Or eggs with an extra thick shell. Hell I don’t know.

Other than my short luteal phase which has long since been corrected, there has been no sign of any other problem. I should be thrilled, right?

Guess what? I’m not. Why? Because if there is no problem found, there is no answer to the question ‘Why can I not get pregnant?’ Without an answer, I will never have closure. Without an answer, there will never be a month where I don’t try, even if it’s just DIY method (do-it-yourself) because I'll think there is always the chance - remote as it may be - that I will become pregnant. I will never just 'relax' and 'forget about trying to get pregnant'.

If the end result is that I cannot have biological children, I want to know WHY. If I at least have a reason, even though the end result still sucks, I can maybe move forward more easily. Or if magically, some angel could come down and just tell me that I will never be pregnant... or that I will be pregnant, but not for another 3 months, 6 months, a year - whatever.

I know there has to be something causing this – I do not believe that at this point, it’s within the ‘normal’ range of failure. Maybe it is, if my short luteal phase prior to starting progesterone in June would have hindered any chance of pregnancy. (oh WHY didn’t I start looking things up earlier so I realized that a 9-10 day LP was too short last year? All those months, wasted…) If that is the case, then do I then assume I should only count my efforts since June? My RE is going to just love me on Wednesday because I am certainly going to be asking questions.

Anyway, there has to be something else wrong – but what? Egg/sper.m incompatibility? A uterus that won’t let anything implant? Old eggs?

Old eggs… have I mentioned that based on my gene pool, I should have super eggs at the age of 36? Oh yes! My mom (who has been so absolutely wonderful and supportive through this) is very involved with genealogy, so she has a history of people in my family and what age they were when they had kids, etc. No one was a ‘baby-machine’ – not a lot of HUGE families. But get this…The five generations before me – that would be back to my great-great-great grandmother – all became pregnant when they were over 39! One was 44!! No one, obviously, underwent fertility treatments.

Now what are the odds?! I mean, come on…. Back to my great-great-great grandmother?!? This makes me wonder WHY even more.

Am I making sense?

I did learn this month that symptoms or lack thereof mean nothing. After the day 7-8 phantom symptoms, there was nothing. Nada. Every other month I had a very sore chest. Last month my abdomen had a basketball inside plus the sore chest. (that sounds like I had a sore chest in my abdomen, doesn’t it?) Anyway, the end result is always the same. AF on dpo14.

I should have more faith. People tell me to have more faith. I read other IF blogs written by women who still have faith after being hit over and over with devastating news. Why can’t I have more faith? Why do I instead look up and tell the man upstairs that I am royally PO’d? Actually, my wording is a little less pleasant…if points were given out for faith, I would probably have zero right now.

Is it asking too much…

…to want to have biological children with the man I met at age 14? The man I was reunited with at age 32. The man who I have years of memories with from when we were teenagers, and now again, as adults. The man who would make such a great dad.

…to want my parents to have grandchildren? I’m their only child.

…to want to at least know the physical reason behind my IF, so I can come to terms with it and move on, and not wonder every month for the rest of my life (until menopause) if perhaps, by some miracle, this month it ‘worked’?

…to at least have the desire to have children go away if I just wasn’t meant to conceive, so I can again, move on?

I guess maybe it is.