Good (and weird) Vibrations

Had my first scan for this cycle yesterday (CD3). I was in a different room than usual, and the ultrasound machine was a little different. The most noticeable difference, besides the lack of a little monitor where I could gaze at my glorious ovaries, was the ever so slightly vibrating wand.

Yeah, I said it. It was vibrating a little. Now don't worry - this isn't going to suddenly get X-rated (unless you want it to! who votes for X-rated IF Blog?!) It was just weird - ok, let's just put it this way:

Vibrating wand during ultrasound = creepy.
Different type of vibrating wand not during ultrasound = not creepy.

I mean, was it malfunctioning or did some genius think a vibrating wand-cam during an ultrasound would be relaxing?

My RE poked his head in the door after the assistant was done with the porno-wand and said, “I’m embarrassed to show my face.” due to my very non-pregant condition. He then came in and said quickly, “We’ll get this. I won’t quit – don’t you quit!” I assure him that quitting had not crossed my mind. Everything was fine, and I started 150 gonal.f last night. Here’s the interesting part … I may not do an IUI this cycle.

My RE said that he was going to be at a meeting from Friday, October 12 through Tuesday, October 16 and would not be in the office at all and thus, could not do the IUI if my IUI date fell on one of those dates. (His assistants/nurses and such do not do those procedures) The 12th-16th is day CD12-16 for me. My IUI last time was around CD 18, but that cycle was longer because of the varying does of meds, trying to get some follies to back off, etc. I would still do the IUI if it was before or after those dates, though I’m positive my follies won’t be ready by next week. He assured me that he would monitor me right up through the 11th. I guess at that point he might have an idea as to when I would be ready to trigger – the only downside is that he wouldn’t be able to ‘fiddle’ with my doses. He explained that he would tell us exactly what day/time DH and I would need to ‘get together’ if there was no IUI.

Heh heh. That weekend we are going to be at a wedding – we are staying overnight Friday and Sat and possibly sharing a hotel room with DH’s sister and BIL. Luckily, they know what we’ve been doing – they are just about the only people we’ve told and they have to be two of the coolest people on earth. So I guess they’ll understand if we boot them out of the room for a bit. Watch - I’ll probably wind up needing to do the trigger shot right in the middle of the reception or something. This time I will be VERY CAREFUL.

Anyway, my RE (I need to call him something else besides ‘my RE’ Hmm…) said if I wanted to sit this cycle out he would understand, but felt that a lack of an IUI would not decrease my chances of getting pregnant, since DH’s count has always been fine. I will of course still do an IUI if it so happens that my follies are not ready until after he gets back.

I decided to go ahead with the injectibles even with the possibility of no IUI, since I’m certainly not getting any younger. I then thought how cool it would be if it worked this time around and I could actually say I got pregnant from actual sex – wow!!

See, I need to have a much better attitude this month – a true attitude change, not just a “I pretend to be chipper while I am miserable inside” type change.

I thought about this over the past few days. I was very negative the past few cycles, and I guess it’s hard not to be, considering the results so far. Also, having a lot of hope and then those hopes being erased really hits me hard. I despise that feeling – it crushes me, much more so than if I have a negative outlook ahead of time. It’s bad enough when I am not all full of hope and things don’t work out, because of course, I do have some hope tucked in the back of my mind. But I become a real mess when I am optimistic and then get knocked down. But I can’t be like that… over and over again I read how negativity, for some reason, can affect fertility. If I’m willing to have things stuck in me and up me all month, willing to spend $1000 on injectibles, I certainly should be willing to try an attitude change.

I also think it’s more than just getting upset about fertility issues – I can just be too emotional, even in a ‘good’ way. Example: watching football – I’m screaming and jumping up and down more so than most people – especially the females. And I probably look like an idiot – a 36 year old jumping up and high fiving people, screaming “Yeaaaaah babeeee!!” or “Get him, GET HIM – what the &!%^! was that?!” or slamming her hands on the table when her team messes up (like they did last week!!) Luckily DH is the same way and he likes that I get into things, but you know, if it stresses my body somehow…..so I really want to be just more “mellow” in general, which brings me to my next point.

Acupuncture. I went to my appointment, ready to ask RE if he could recommend someone. But first, I asked him if there is something else I should do. He has already assured me that my exercise level is fine (I do weights and cardio regularly) and my weight is fine (though I am not where I want to be - it’s always a constant struggle, but that’s a whole other entry). I do drink some coffee, (not a ton) and I do drink some alcohol (but never when there is a possibility of an implanted embryo). I know many women have stopped caffeine and any alcohol completely – maybe I need to do that. He said no, that should not be having any affect, and then, interestingly enough, before I had a chance to ask, he brought up acupuncture! He said he’s seen some very interesting results in patients and that he knew of someone if I was interested. Perfect! So I need to call and set up an appointment.

I am not expecting a miracle. Even if acupuncture helps, I know it is not and instantaneous result. But instead of thinking “Oh great, no IUI, this is horrible, it’s unfair” I’m thinking “Hey, maybe I’ll wind up pregnant without the use of a catheter! Ooohh.. and I save $ too!” And if it doesn’t work – well, there’s next month.

I still don't want to hear "Just relax" from fertile people!!! I don't care if I am trying to relax a little. If 'relaxing' was the only answer I would have been knocked up by March 2006.

See? The title "Good (and weird) Vibrations" wasn't just about the wand!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to truly "mellow out"? Without the use of wine or medication ;-)