Still Trying To Believe

I think many, if not most people, who have dealt with IF, go through some of the feelings I am currently having. I'm referring to the '"I can't believe this could actually work.... and for some reason I don't feel pregnant at all and I think something is wrong and I won't see a heartbeat on the next u/s.... etc etc etc." DH is very excited about our next u/s, and so am I, but I am more worried than excited. Technically, I have no reason to be worried - I don't have spotting, I don't have weird cramps... but I know what can happen. I've read countless, heartbreaking stories about finally achieving a pregnancy, only to have it end at six, seven, eight, nine weeks, and later.

I thing we (those in the IF world) get these feelings because we just can't believe that after all the bullsh** we've dealt with (and I admit I have had to deal with less than a lot of people) that we'll actually just have your normal, everyday pregnancy! Then factor in all of the awareness we have of what can go wrong... and I must admit, it does seem that many people going through fertility treatments still get a raw deal, even when they receive that elusive BFP. I mentioned this to someone, who reminded me that if a person isn't going through a difficult time, she wouldn't be writing an IF blog, so I'm going to be reading a higher percentage of 'bad luck' cases. That's true to some extent BUT, most of these blogs were started prior to any type of pregnancy loss. It just seems that many who struggle to get pregnant get an added 'up yours' from the evil IF spirits once they do see that extra line.

So while I am not stressing myself out over this (stress is bad, mmmmkay?) I'm very nervous, to say the least, and it's showing in my mood. I know DH is wondering why I've suddenly become a snappy, irritable beeatch this weekend. I could blame the progest.erone (I know it doesn't help!) but prior to me starting to worry about the next u/s, I was in a pretty awesome mood, even while stuffing myself with obscene amounts of progest.erone.

I wish I still felt nauseas, but I don't. I guess everything last week was still related to whatever virus I had. I feel fine. Perfectly fine. If I felt nauseas, I would actually feel better. Oh, isn't IF wonderful! We pray to feel like cr*p so we have a sign that we're still pregnant!

I know Tuesday's u/s is just one step on the 'worry staircase' and I can't sit around and agonize about every next appointment. I do think I will feel much better once I reach (please!!) the 12 week mark. Obviously that's still no guarantee of anything, and there are plenty of other things that could happen, but I think it may help.

People who know me IRL would probably say that I'm just being a pessimist - I do have that tendency. But I'm really not, it's just hard not to be concerned due to.... (see above points).

Can someone just wake me up in October?

Introducing Butters

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. I've been working late, and still passing out at night! However, before I continue, I wanted to again mention some fellow bloggers who just received bad news. I know there are countless others out there, but these are from some of the blogs that I currently follow.

Please send sticky thoughts out to JP. Her beta skyrocketed over the weekend, only to have it not double for the next test. Also, sadly, Azalea Baby's beta has now dropped.

I do feel odd posting about my situation with all the bad news going around. I guess I shouldn't, but I do.

First, thank you all for your well-wishes. I do feel better. In fact, by Tuesday morning, my fever and terrible cramps were totally gone. The only thing I had was pretty bad nausea... but not the kind that would make one throw up. I just didn't want to eat anything, which for me, is highly unusual. I wondered if it was leftover from my stomach-virus-thing or if it was a symptom! This lasted pretty much all day, plus, I still had some, (TMI) ummm....bathroom issues. However, I felt 100% better, and it didn't interfere with work, etc. Things were pretty much the same yesterday, maybe a bit better and today, I have barely any nausea. Maybe a bit. Still some, umm... bathroom issues. So... perhaps it was all related to whatever bug I had.

So anyway, ah yes, the ultrasound! Dr. M. did the ultrasound himself - I think he does all the ultrasounds once you've reached this stage. My ovaries are not overly swollen at all, which is good. That's what you all wanted to know about, right? My ovaries?

Ok - to the important part. We saw one little guy/gal in my uterus. DH and I were sad, knowing that either 'lefty' or 'righty' didn't latch on. However, that being said, I'm not complaining, and I know how lucky I am to have had one blastbaby stick!!! I absolutely realize what a miracle it is for me to be the 'p' word at all.

We were able to see the tiny sac right away. Dr. M. said it measured right on target. He then pointed out the yolk sac, and the beginning of a fetal pole, which are basically just little dots inside the sac. We were unable to detect a heartbeat, which is not unusual. Dr. M. did warn me before the ultrasound that we may not see one quite yet, and if that's the case, I shouldn't be concerned. Of course I had already scoured the Internet and knew that 5w5d was still pretty early for a heartbeat, so I was prepared. (Dr. M. actually said I was 5w4d, and I'm not quite sure why, since ER was on Jan. 25, but, whatever.)

I have of course included a picture, though you won't really see much yet, just the teensy sac.

(If you want to see some totally cool pictures, check out Rebecca's 3-D pics!)

DH and I are now referring to the little one as Butters. We came up with that because for some reason, we thought of the innocent little kid on South.Par.k named Butters, and thought if our tiny one could talk (stop laughing at me!) we imagined him/her talking like Butters - like "Hey guys, I'm trying my best to grow in here...awww gee...look, I'm growing hands!" DH also really likes the character....ok, I know that may not make much sense if you have never heard of or seen this character, and even if you do know who Butters is, it still may not make any sense! Anyway, butter is kind of sticky too, so we thought Butters was fitting.

Because we did not yet detect a heartbeat, Dr. M. wants me to stay on all of my progeste.rone (booooo!) as a precaution. That's right - the PIO shots as well as two doses of crin.one gel a day.

Right before I left, Dr. M. decided to do b/w and check my HCG level. My HCG level, as of yesterday, was 6666. I laughed when they called me with the number! The doubling time has slowed now to 2.5 days, but the nurse who called said that Dr. M. reviewed the results of the b/w and the number was fine.

So now I wait until next Tuesday, Feb. 26, for my next ultrasound. Please keep sticking, Butters.

A Blah Monday

You know, why can't people in the IF world get a break? Please keep Azalea Baby in your thoughts. Her beta did not double over the weekend and she has to wait until Wednesday for her next beta.

I wanted to post a little about the weekend, which was fun, (the Polar Bear plunge was crazy!) but I'm not in the mood at the moment. I had some early a.m. 'fun'. I felt fine last night, and as usual, fell asleep early. I even missed the end of Family Guy! So I passed out on the couch, (I should just get in bed to watch TV - poor DH keeps having to go to bed alone with my recent early-couch-pass-outs) and woke up at 1:30am, and man, was I nauseous!

Warning - TMI coming up...
So I then proceeded to throw up whatever was left in my stomach. I thought 'Oh wow - a pregnancy symptom!' While I wasn't thrilled about being nauseous, I was a happy to have a symptom! Weird, huh? As it turns out, that was not a symptom. I have the stomach flu or a virus or something, because shortly thereafter, the excruciating abdominal pain started. The pain was too high up to be uterine cramping... and then things started flowing out the other end. Unfortunately, that did not relieve the horrible cramps. I was up until about 5:30am, then fell asleep and woke up at 6am with the pain still there! Luckily, things had stopped flowing out of my body. Now I have a fever and the thought of any food makes me want to puke. I am forcing myself to drink water and tea (decaf!), though it's difficult. The pain is till there but has lessened so I did make it into work for a few hours.

Now the pain is lower, so I'm trying not to think about it and not worry about it being a potential problem. But right now, I have pretty bad cramps, right around my uterus. Damn it. I don't want to take Tylen.ol to bring down my fever unless I really have to. Hopefully this is some type of 24 hour thing... and nothing else is wrong.

(edited - I just took one 500mg Tylen.ol. I spoke to my SIL who is a nurse and she said that it's safe, and it's better to bring the fever down)

The Last Beta!

First, please keep these bloggers in your thoughts: Swim received a negative beta - on Valentine's Day. I also found Jen's blog through Denise, and my heart is just breaking.

There is some good news out there. Azalea Baby received a whopping positive beta today - 309!!

Speaking of betas...today was my last beta - 1663. Doubling time is now 36.8 hours.
(For anyone who might randomly come across this entry, I'm 16dp5dt/21dpo)

Now I can obsess about my Feb. 20 u/s. My HCG numbers are strong, but still don't seem high enough for a twin pregnancy - and yes, I know you can't really tell by HCG numbers. But, based on the numbers at Beta Base, I am above the average for a singleton pregnancy, but no where near the average for twins. So, I'm pretty sure I have one little blastbaby growing.... unless I'm in for another surprise. (more teensy weensy balloons?)

Can you tell I want to know everything yesterday?

On another note, I have successfully given myself PIO butt shots the past two nights because DH is away on business. [Yep, he was away on Valentine's Day. I survived ;-) ] It wasn't too bad - I just stood in front of a full-length mirror, positioned the needle, and stuck it in. I am a little more sore than when DH does it for some reason.

I saw "The Bucket List" last night. I did like the movie, though I thought it dragged a bit. By the time it was over, around 9:30pm, my progesterone-stuffed body was ready to pass out! As tired as I get at night now though, I do wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Still no other symptoms other than the log-like sleeping and the bodacious ta-tas. [I know you're all just sooo curious. ;-) ]

Other random notes: Tomorrow I am going to the annual Polar Bear Plunge. That's where a bunch of insane people jump into the freezing cold ocean! I was originally going to be one of the idiots jumping in, but obviously I'm not now. I'll cheer on the sidelines with my SIL. This will be my first outing where I need to hide that I am not the 'p' word - in other words, pretend I am drinking beer at the post-plunge after party. However, since everyone knows that SIL is pregnant, she's going to help cover for me. She can buy non-alcoholic beer, since no one will question why she is ordering it, and pour it in a cup and give to me so it looks like I am drinking regular beer.

That's about it for right now.....

Beta #3 and Other Updates

We have some good and bad news out there in blogland...

First, the bad news. Poor Swim received a BFN when she POAS, but her beta is not until tomorrow. Let's all hope she gets a big surprise on Thursday.

I had my third beta today. (drum roll....)
Today's beta - 674
Doubling time is now 35.8 hours.

To recap:
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
14dp5dt - 674

I still go for yet another beta on Friday. I know you technically can't tell if you're carrying one or two little ones based on HCG numbers, but I think I just have one little guy/gal in there. By the third beta, it seems that people with multiples are getting higher numbers. I'll find out at the u/s next week, and if there is just one, I will be a little sad that lefty or righty didn't make it, but one is fine with me - I'm extremely lucky to be the 'p' word at all.

I saw Dr. M. just as I was leaving the office this morning and he asked me if I felt pregnant. I said not really, except for my, umm... expanding chest. I wanted to say, "UGH! Save me from these big progesterone boobs!" He sort of laughed and said that a lot of people tell him that, and then asked if people were calling me Dolly! Ha ha ha, real funny. Actually it is kind of funny. :) Luckily, I have some minimizer bras which I am currently stuffing myself into. My chest expands and shrinks based not just on my progesterone level, but my weight, so I also have some bras from when I weighed more that are still too big for me. So at least I can go a little while without buying bras.

I can't believe I am posting about my bras. Anyway, I did get a chance to ask Dr. M. about exercise and he said for now, I should stick to just walking (no elliptical machines or things like that yet) and that I could do upper body resistance training. I haven't been to the gym in weeks! I used to go multiple times a week and do cardio as well as a full weight workout! I think when I start doing weights again I will keep it very light - better safe than sorry.

Dr. M. also said that he doesn't like reducing any medication until after he sees a heartbeat, just to be on the safe side. I will be 5w5d for next week's u/s, and based on what I have read, I may be able to see (though not hear) a heartbeat. If I see a heartbeat, I know I'm going to just start bawling.

The only other thing I have noticed is that I'm sleeping a lot. I wake up without a problem, and am wide awake during the day, but in the evening I wind up passing out and sleeping right through until morning! Usually, if I would fall asleep super early, I'll wind up waking up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Not anymore - I'm officially sleeping log woman. It's so weird!

And lastly, I went for my first healthy pregnancy acupuncture appointment yesterday! My acupuncturist specializes in infertility - almost all of his patients are women undergoing fertility treatments. I decided to keep going because I do believe the acupuncture helped me, and I did notice changes in my body after starting acupuncture. Maybe one day I'll even talk more about that when I finally finish that acupuncture entry I've been promising to post for months! I go once a week for the first trimester, and then just a few times after that.

And yes, I stopped POAS ;-)

I Will Not Obsess, I Will Not Obsess....

I went to the 24-hour drug store early this morning (as in 5:30am because lazy me -or maybe just full-of-progesterone-me - passed out on the couch early instead of going to the drug store!) to refill my crin.one. Is/has anyone been told to take crino.ne (or prometri.um or suppositories) twice daily in ADDITION to PIO shots? Argh. I was about to start bitching about progestero.ne side effects, (I'm about to start duck taping my chest down) and decided not to because I would rather be in this position and be up to my ears in progestero.ne than the alternative. Anyhoo, I also purchased a huge bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been taking a daily multivitamin (w/ 100% RDA of folic acid) but decided to switch to the prenatals.

I felt as if I was going to jinx something by buying the BIG bottle, but told myself I was being an idiot. It's just that prior to the early morning CVS run, I of course POAS, and noticed that the line wasn't any darker than yesterday, though it wasn't lighter. Hmm.

Look at me - I've gone from pro-POAS-before-beta to anti-POAS-before-beta to Let's-POAS-every-morning-once-you-get-a-BFP.

I decided to not POAS anymore for right now. However, I am not obsessing about the lack of darkening. (lie lie lie lie) I guess the line just stops getting darker at some point - RIGHT?!?

On another note, if things continue to progress normally, (please please please) I will be due just three months after my SIL, so we'll have kids the same age. I always thought that would totally rule, though I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here.

Is it time for my next beta yet?!

My Title Creativity Got Lost Today

Obviously I can't think of a decent title for this entry.

Well, I finally received my beta number for today: 266.
Sooo....
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
Doubling time - 31.3 hours
[sigh of relief... for the moment]

I saw Dr. M. as I was going to get my blood drawn, and he smiled and said "I told you we'd get this!" I just went up to him, hugged him and said "Thank you." I think I surprised him a little.

I go back on Wednesday and Friday, so I can continue to obsess about beta numbers. My first u/s is scheduled for Feb 20, so once I'm done beta obsessing, I can obsess about the u/s.

It still feels weird to write about something besides follicle sizes or evil AF. I still almost can't believe it's real. [pinching self... *ow!*] DH of course is just thrilled and is fascinated by the darkening pee sticks each day. I bet if I told him a month or two ago that he would be gazing at little strips that I dipped in my pee, he would have thought I was nuts :)

That being said, I can't help but think of all the people in blog land who've received bad news in the past week or two. Even blogs I come across that I haven't read before seem to be laden with recent BFNs. Why can't these people get a break?

I feel strange that I am where I am right now while so many women who were cycling at the same time are having their hearts broken. This may sound odd, or as if I'm trying to get 'brownie points' (I'm not), but I feel almost guilty about posting, like I'm saying "Hey, sorry it didn't work for you, but hey, let me tell you about what's going on with ME." Now, no one has made me feel this way whatsoever. Quite the contrary, actually. And, when I was receiving BFNs every month, I didn't feel resentment towards those who had success - I was happy to read about BFPs. (I will admit that I would feel a little 'pang' in my gut and think "When will it be my turn?") So I'm not sure why I feel like I do.

I know what it feels like to have a failed cycle(s). It's awful, to say the least, and I hate that other people are experiencing those same feelings. To all who have received bad news recently... I am so sorry for your losses. It just isn't fair.

POAS and Tagging.

Oh no. More bad news in blogland. Denise received bad news today. :(

I finally responded to my tagging. I will get to that in a moment. First, I have indeed finally POAS. Three times - Friday afternoon, Sat. morning and this morning. The line is getting slightly darker each time, but just slightly. My first positive tests ever, not counting the one I took after my HCG trigger one month just so I could see a second line! I am using up my little collection of pee sticks to keep an eye on that second line, because of course I can't just relax now, I must obsess about doubling beta numbers!

It's ironic that I decided to not POAS (prior to beta) the one month when I actually would have seen something besides an ugly, white test! I still do not regret my decision not to POAS, though if I had when I woke up on Friday, my morning would have been a lot better. But before that... who knows when the line would have shown up? I am starting to think that pee sticks are laced with evil if used prior to a beta. I could have seen BFNs all week and I would have been miserable. Then there's the awful other angle... the early BFN and then the negative beta. I read Duck's blog today and she knows someone who just had that happen. How awful. I know of others who've experienced the same thing, but reading that post reminded me all over again.

On to tagging....(what a lousy transition.. someone received terrible news... oh yeah, here's stuff about me...)

I've been tagged by Azalea Baby!

Here are the rules to the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I met DH in marching band at age 14! We dated through most of high school and even through our first year of college when we were three hours apart! The next few years were 'on and off' and then totally 'off' for almost 10 years. I bumped into him a few times after that and we were on good terms. One time, I was with my then long term boyfriend and he was with his girlfriend! Found out later that both of our significant others were totally jealous, even though we barely talked to each other and had NO interest in each other 'that way' anymore! Imagine my surprise when we started hanging out again in 2003 by complete accident (too long to get into here). Then imagine my surprise when I found myself saying 'I do'!!

2. Speaking of marching band... I was totally into the high school music scene. Marching band [flute/piccolo... and NO, band camp is not like the one in "American Pie!" ;) ], orchestra, choirs, etc. I stopped playing an instrument in college but kept singing in choirs through college and into my mid 20's. Now I just sing in the shower... or karaoke some times.

3. Speaking of music... I like heavy metal, and no, not death/satanic metal! The bands I like range from ones like Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin, Godsmack, Seether (which aren't really considered 'metal' but you get the idea) to 80's hair metal! DH and I went to concerts like Skid Row, Cinderella, Motley Crue, etc. in high school. We still listen to that stuff too. It isn't unusual to find us blaring 80's metal while have a few cold ones on the weekend!

4 I'm clumsy. In fact, just this Friday, I slipped in the kitchen at work and hurt my foot. I managed to break my foot a few years ago by stepping in a hole in a parking lot, and in Dec '06, I fell down the steps on my front porch and had to have stitches above my eye! Those are just a few of my many uncoordinated moments. I am always banging into things when I'm doing things that take a lot of coordination (insert sarcasm)... like walking around.

5. I obtained 2 Master's degrees before I was 30. I wasn't a professional student - I received the first one at 22 and got the other one while working. And no, I don't think that means I'm super smart - I'm actually not. I can be somewhat ditzy and some people are surprised to find out I actually went to college ;) In fact, my high school guidance counselor didn't think I had great college potential. Ha - take that, silly counselor!

6. I run a small e-commerce business from my home, in addition to my full-time job.

It’s hard to find non-tagged people! I have tagged Swim, Egged Out, and Rebeccah
(if you have already been tagged, sorry!)

My Afternoon Surprise.

First, my heart goes out to Rebeccah and Maria. They both just received bad news. :(

I had an entry ready to go from this morning, and was just waiting for the ‘official’ word from Dr. M’s office before posting it.
The entry I had ready is no longer valid. Righty and/or Lefty decided to give me a super surprise today.

I still have not POAS. I woke up to spotting. Well, not actual spotting. (TMI alert) After peeing in a cup (for the pregnancy test) it was more of my standard jam-finger-in-hoo-ha check. At first there wasn't anything, but then there was that little bit of blood, just like every damn other month, so I dumped my cup of pee in the toilet, flushed, and cried. And yelled. And cursed. DH was already awake when I went to the bathroom and was waiting, because he knew I was going to test. I yelled "I didn't test - there's no point!" and opened the bathroom door and started my tirade, as he tried to console me. I did keep myself from punching the wall. He asked me if I wanted to take the day off from work - he said he would too (what an awesome man!) to stay with me. I said no way. I'm a contractor and if I don't go to work, I don't get paid, and I said I'll be damned if I lose any more work time and money because of this IVF cycle. We made plans to have drinks after work.

I went and had my beta at 7:30am, just so I could get the ball rolling for IVF #2. I managed to get to work without looking like I got punched in the face. I had a cup of regular coffee.

Dr. M’s office called my cell phone at 1:49pm. I was at my desk at work.

Me: "Hello."

Nurse: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: "Fine." (thinking, not fine, just tell me it's negative and what I am doing next)

Nurse: "Well, your pregnancy test was positive."

Me: "WHAT?!?? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!??!?"

I bolt from my desk and run into the hallway, where there are no people around!

I am 9dp5dt. My beta is 54. Oh please let that be an ok number.

Oh. My. God!

I am shaking.

I did not take my crino.ne or estradiol pill this morning!

I don’t know what else to say right now. I know I still have a long way to go. I'm nervous about the beta number, even though the nurse said it was fine. Does anyone have input on the beta #?

(edit: I am adding this to clarify - I know the number is supposed double within 48-72 hours... just hoping 54 is not low. Next beta is scheduled for Feb 11.)

8dp5dt - 1 Day Until Beta - Will AF Stay Away?

Today is a hard day, and not just because my beta is tomorrow. Today would be around 13dpo. Every freaking month, AF has started to show up on 13dpo. The only exception was the month of December, where AF held out one extra day, but that was an unmedicated cycle. In fact, I have only gone in for a beta twice the whole time I have been going through fertility treatments, and each time AF had already arrived but I went, just in case. I stopped bothering after the first two times, so basically, I never even make it to beta day. I don’t know if taking the extra progester.one will hold off AF, in the event I am not pg, so lack of any sign of AF today won’t mean anything. I’ll just be apprehensive every damn time I go to the bathroom today, which drives me nuts. I’ll be checking constantly. Damn it.

I still have not POAS.

I have been sleeping like a log, and having vivid dreams the past week. The dream I had last night usually would have put me into a miserable mood today. I dreamed that AF arrived, and I was devastated. I was crying so hard in my dream, I am surprised my face was dry when I woke up. In my dream, someone asked me if I was going crazy (actually it was one of the people who works at my local post office – a really nice guy – so don’t ask me how he wound up in my dream, asking about my mental state). I yelled, crying hysterically, “I just found out I can’t have children, ok?!?” I then went to see my acupuncturist who had me in a room where his family was eating dinner (? gotta love dreams). Anyway, the dream did not bother me, though I admit I was expecting to see red when I went to the bathroom this morning. Usually I would have thought the dream ‘meant something’ but it doesn’t mean squat. I know this because this past October, I had the most realistic dream imaginable. I dreamed I POAS, and saw two lines! I was so happy! I felt the emotion in my dream, and I went to wake up DH, but it was my mom in my room instead and she said DH had to go to work early (I don’t know what my mom was doing in my bedroom, but hey, it’s a dream!) so I told her and I was just so happy. I woke up happy! I told myself it was just a dream… it was 10dpo… enjoy the happy feeling of the dream. I swore I wouldn’t go POAS. Swore.

Guess what I did? That’s right, I POAS and we all know what the result was. I was a mess until AF arrived. Therefore, I know dreams don’t indicate anything because if they did, I would have been pregnant in October. So there. :-P Oh, and I just looked back at older blog entries.. I forgot I had another '2 line dream' at 8dpiui this past September! So maybe the dream last night means I am pregnant. Hahahahahaha.

I don’t know how I am going to concentrate today. I decided that stuffing my face with the bagels someone brought in this morning would be a good way to keep my mind off things. I am already on bagel number 2!

Lefty, Righty, please be getting your balloons ready…..

6dp5dt - No POAS For Me

First, I was very sad to read that egged out and Elizabeth received bad news this week. :(

No news on this end...I was going to POAS this morning, and totally chickened out. I have decided to not POAS until the morning of my beta... that is, if AF doesn't show up before then. The evil witch usually arrives the day before my beta - not fully, just enough to at least save me the trip to the Dr.'s office the next day. However, AF may hold off because of the 3x extra progester.one. Anyway, I thought about it and realized that a negative result would just make me absolutely miserable. I keep thinking that I'll test and be ok, and just tell myself that it was too early, that the test could be wrong, blah blah blah, but I know differently. Not once have I POAS without being reduced to a puddle of emotional mush. I even changed my vote to 'No' on Denise's blog.

At first, I felt that POAS could possibly give me the joy of an early positive (if a miracle happens - sometimes I can't believe I will ever see two lines) and that a negative would help prepare me mentally a little. Who am I kidding? A BFN never prepared me for sh*t! It just made me miserable longer. I wasn't any less miserable when AF arrived because as miserable as I was, I still had that teeny bit of hope.

I like being informed and I hate having any false hope, which is why I always used to POAS and was planning to this month. I still have nine fresh tests, just waiting for me. However, I know a BFN won't keep me from having false hope - I'll just have false hope and be miserable too. I'll give up the possibility of having a few extra days of joy from an early BFP to avoid how I feel after a BFN.

I know it may sound like I am expecting a BFN... I am trying not to. I'm just looking at my history. With my luck, it will be the same sh*t (BFN), different day, except that now my situation is really going to be a puzzle to Dr. M. And speaking of false hope - I hate hate hate hate having hope, only to have it crushed - and that's all I've had from the beginning because (broken record alert) no one can find a damn thing wrong, anywhere.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...... positive, oh... Y*!%&~$~%#~%#

Anyway, I have been tagged! That means I can take my mind off all this and work on that post.

I do not feel pregnant at all. I hope Lefty and Righty are just staying very quiet in order to surprise me on Friday.

5dp5dt - May I Go Insane Now?

I went for bloodwork this morning for E2 and P4 levels. (Estrad.iol and progester.one) These are my numbers:

E2 - 418
P4 - 45

This means I am pregnant, right?! Just kidding.

The nurse who called said Dr. M. said the levels were good and to keep taking all my estrad.iol pills and icky progester.one. I don't know alot about these levels, but from what I sort of know from reading, they are ok, but don't really tell me anything. (ie, these aren't 'Oh my GOD your PG!!' levels) Anyone have more insight/info?

Anyway, I'm hungry all the time it seems. Step AWAY from the food, damn it! No, I do not think this is a pregnancy sign, it just means I am taking evil progester.one.

I am scared to POAS. I actually did POAS 3dp5dt to verify that the HCG shot was gone, and it was. I knew it was too early for anything to show unless one blast divided and I was carrying triplets! I still hated having that test scream "NEGATIVE!!!" at me though. Yes, my tests are special and come with the added benefit of screaming the results at me.

Anyway, now I have 9 tests left, and am scared that a negative, even though it is still a little early, is going to make me go hysterical. DH said I should try tomorrow morning. I still may chicken out.

We interrupt this IF blog for a quick football update:
First - wow, the GIANTS won the Super.bowl?!? I know rebecca is happy :) DH, my SIL and I were actually rooting for the Giants at the end and we don't even like the Giants! (Can't help it - we're Eagles fans) However, we're all sick of the Patriots so at first we just kept rooting for whoever was on defense! Then for some reason we just started cheering for the Giants at the end of the 4th quarter, probably because they were the underdogs. We kept saying "I can't believe we're rooting for the Giants!" Ha ha - sorry Brady!

No one noticed I drank only seltzer last night. :) Since I often drink water along with beer (the whole hydration thing) it wasn't odd for me to have water in front of me. Plus, we made sure there were beer bottles around me, and DH and my SIL helped cover for me. (did I mention that SIL is pregnant?)

Lefty, Righty? Please, please still be there.

4dp5dt - Creeping Thoughts

The thoughts are creeping in… you know… THOSE thoughts.

I’ve been pretty happy since the egg retrieval, because things went so well (other than being a little disappointed that we didn’t have any blasts to freeze.) But now, at 4dp5dt, I’m scared.

I’m scared that this did not work. If I can’t hold on to at least one of two awesome little blasts... then what?? I feel like this cycle will end like all others - “Oh, everything looks so GREAT! Blah blah blah…..oh wow, you’re not pregnant… gee… that doesn’t make any sense.” I am sick and tired of things not making sense and all of this damn progester.one is not helping!

I’m trying to figure out if whining like this in my blog will get it out of my system so then I can go back to feeling positive. I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I? I’ll be the first one to post in someone else’s blog, “It’s still early – don’t give up yet!” Now look at me! Do as I say, not as I blog, I guess.

I should be posting about the get-together I had with a group of people I used to work with last night – it was fun, and no one asked when we were going to have kids. (None of them know about my fertility treatments) I think people know at this point that it isn’t something they should be asking – smart people! They used to ask a while back, before we knew the extent of our fertility issues, so we just said we were trying. Now they just don’t ask. Plus, luckily, there was not one drop of alcohol around, which is usually not the case, so I didn’t have anyone wondering why I wasn’t even having one glass of wine! It was a perfect get together for a 3dp5dt gal! Now, tonight’s Superb.owl will be another issue as far as alcohol goes, but I think it will be pretty easy – I’ll just have a beer in front of my all the time, and with the number of people there, I don’t think anyone will notice much. Plus, I know DH will help cover for me.

Now back to our regularly scheduled whining. Wah wah wah. I’m hungry. I'm thirsty - been drinking so much water that I'm surprised I'm not floating. I’m tired, my clothes don’t fit, I’m not going to the gym (I was told not to) which is probably why my clothes don’t fit - and I wouldn’t care about all that if I was pregnant! I swear I am not a selfish beeatch who only cares about her waistline. But I know I am feeling like this because of all the progester.one pumping through my body. Even if I am pregnant, it would be too early to have these symptoms. So feeling like this just pisses me off - plus the fact that I felt very heavy and crampy Thurs. and especially Fri. (1d and 2dp5dt) Now I feel nothing. That’s like having crampy feelings around 6-7dpo. And guess what? I have had that before, and then it went away - and it always ended with a BFN. F**k!!!

I started crying a little this morning (and immediately stopped because I know that wouldn’t be good for me or any little blasts that could be hanging around) which frustrated DH because he can’t stand it when I start feeling negatively. I’m trying to be positive, I really really am.

*SIGH* Lefty, Righty? Are you still there?

2dp5dt - A Post About Nothing

Today I turned 37.

Everyone send me candy. ;-) I usually would say to send wine, but that's a huge no-no!

If this IVF works, can I say I became pregnant at age 36?

I am so full of progesteron.e right now, I'm surprised it isn't oozing out my pores. PIO shot at night, and crinon.e gel every morning and evening. (I mistakenly referred to crinon.e as proges. suppositories in an earlier post) My ta-ta's are big (blech) and sore, as they usually are with extra progesteron.e, except now it's X3. The most I ever took before was one crinon.e at night. Anyway, on the bright side, all the hormones I'm pumping into myself will keep me from analyzing symptoms, since I wouldn't know if any 'symptom' was due to proges. or ... something else.

I just wrote a mini-rant about insurance in another blog's comments area. Reminds me that I really need to write about my ridiculous insurance experience with regards to fertility benefits. It will be a long post. Basically, insurance companies will lie to you about your benefits in hopes that you won't investigate further, and they can get out of providing the coverage you pay for!

For those who have seen the movie 'Clerks' - is it just me who can't help but think of a certain scene when you hear '37'?

This was officially a post about nothing.