To Find Out...or Not?

FYI: This is post pretty much all about 'p' stuff.

A week from tomorrow, I go in for my BIG ultrasound, where I will hopefully find out that Butters is perfectly healthy and isn't missing any important parts! I just received my AFP results yesterday, and everything was 'negative.' (yay!) My Dr's office left a message on my machine, so I don't have any further details. Anyhoo, I won't be finding out at next week's appointment whether Butters is a boy or a girl because I made a deal with DH.

I have always wanted to find out ahead of time what we were having - even before I was 'p'. DH has always wanted to wait until the delivery date, and neither of us has been able to change each other's minds. He wants to be 'surprised'.... well so do I, I just want my surprise earlier! It's still a surprise, no matter when you find out, plus you can plan ahead a little. My acupuncturist tried to tell me how great it was to wait... how people had to wait until the delivery date before there was all this medical technology, and this technology just ruins the excitement, the suspense when the baby is being born and you first see the head, etc (he has a daughter). I of course pointed out to him that without medical technology, I wouldn't even be in this situation! Plus, I just don't buy into all the romanticism that he was putting on the birth process - I'll probably be sweaty, impatient and just wanting Butters out of me - either that or my body won't cooperate and I'll wind up needing a c-section and all the glory of the vaginal birth will be gone out the window anyway.

Can you tell that I'm a little stubborn?! Anyway, for all of you out there who think waiting to find out the baby's gender until the delivery date is the way to go - that's great. I admire your patience! It's just not for me.

So anyway, DH has been unable to convince me that I should wait until October to find out Butters' gender, (and I have to add... as negative as it may sound.... assuming everything works out... I can't help but always think that...) and I haven't been able to convince him that I am, of course right. *wink* So why am I not finding out at next week's ultrasound? After all, the pregnant woman should get her way, right?!

DH asked that, as a temporary compromise, we at least don't find out until my SIL delivers in mid-July. She is not finding out her baby's gender until then, and since she is having the first grandchild (DH has only one sibling) he thinks we shouldn't butt in ahead of her and announce what we are having before she does. I am totally fine with that, so I agreed. DH hopes that by that point, I'll decide to wait... I guess that could happen, though I'm thinking that I'll be tackling the Dr. at the next appointment and wanting to know. A friend suggested that we ask that they write down the gender next week and give it to us in a sealed envelope. I kind of like the sealed envelope idea... then I can steam it open in private and peek! (just kidding!)

I guess after knowing all the intimate details from day one - from my follicle sizes, to the picutre of Butters as a blastocyst, to the early ultrasounds - it's natural to then want to find out the gender. Or perhaps I'm just impatient? Now how do I brainwash DH into agreeing with me? ;-)

Finally Three Out of Four

This past Saturday, DH and I were at a friend's house where, including DH and me, there were four males and four females present - three of the females were pregnant. (suprisingly, none of the men were knocked up) My self-absorbed self couldn't help but think, "Thank God I'm finally one of the three out of four!" I know I would have been a lot less comfortable, to say the least, had I not been 'p'. Actually, I would have been sort-of ok until the unexpected very pregnant guest arrived.

Here's the situation - DH and I went to our friends' house for dinner. We've been close friends with this couple for a while - they have a toddler and they're due with their second child just 5 weeks before me. (pretty cool - if things work out - trying not to jinx anything - our kids will be the same age) I know I would have felt that pang of infertility jealousy if I wasn't 'p' but I'm pretty sure I would have been ok. Their neighbors were also over with their two young children. (conceived easily - I know this because our friends told us) Again, it would not have been the best situation for a non-pregnant infertile, but I had met them before and knew they were going to be there, so I would have been been prepared. Of course, deep down I'm still thinking 'Sigh... they both got pregnant easily...must be nice' but obviously, my current situation squelched those feelings. Anyway, since I would have prepared ahead of time, a non-'p' me would have been ok.. until the neighbor's 8-month pregnant sister showed up. She originally wasn't going to be there, so when she walked through the door, all I could think was how much I would probably be silently freaking if I was sitting there without Butters in me. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done - probably held everything in, drank more beer (because trust me, at that point I would definitely have some alcohol in me) and then cry after I left.

Will there be a day when I don't think 'This is probably how I would feel if I wasn't....'? Probably not.

My Protective Bubble

Meghan's recent post reminded me that I have, so far, been spared from stupid/insensitive pregnancy/infertility comments. DH and I didn't get a lot of annoying, needling questions or comments from those who knew we were undergoing treatments, and didn't hear 'So when are YOU having kids?' a lot from those who didn't. Some friends did ask casually here and there if kids were in our future, at which point we would just say 'yeah, we're trying' and once in a while, if they were close friends, we told them a little about our treatments. After that, they either didn't ask again or were just sympathetic. I have a friend who would jokingly ask me 'So, you knocked up yet?!' right after I got married, before I had any idea that my reproductive organs wanted to play a big joke on me. The last time she asked me this was in late spring 2007. I just said casually "oh, we're trying" and that was the last time she ever said that to me. It's almost as if I sent out some vibe that just let people know to keep their mouth shut. Maybe I didn't sound as 'casual' as I thought.

Perhaps I had some anti-moronic-infertility-comment bubble around me or something. Or maybe I was wearing this shirt and didn't realize it. The bubble was a good thing, because there were plenty of times when my hormone-pumped self probably wouldn't have reacted appropriately. (I guess there was the sponge comment, but that wasn't too bad) Now that I've essentially bragged about how lucky I am, I'm sure I'll be an idiotic comment magnet.

I often wonder if I've said stupid things in years past to people who trying to become pregnant, and didn't even realize it. I bet I did, though I can't think of anything specifically. I do remember hearing two co-workers talking - it must have been at least five or six years ago - about how they just did NOT understand people who had to 'try' to get pregnant. (I wasn't eavesdropping, they were talking almost right next to me) Both of these people - one male and one female - were, let's just say, quite fertile. I remember thinking to myself that not everyone was a baby-making machine, and didn't understand why they thought it was weird that not everyone got pregnant every single time they had unprotected sex - and that was then I thought that I myself might one day get pregnant from actual sex. (ha ha ha!)

If you have been the victim of stupid infertility/pregnancy comments, feel free to share them. Wait, no, do not share them, because I don't want any comments.

Anyway, I hope my bubble continues to stay in tact. As you can probably tell, I have nothing very interesting to report today. I would like to say I feel some kind of movement, but I think it's just gas. Actually, I'm sure it's just gas, or my stomach digesting the two bagels I scarfed down this morning (not my fault! there were free, fresh bagels in the conference room! how could I resist?)

18w4d. Only 16 days until my u/s... not that I'm counting or anything.

18w2d (because I can't think of a title)

Another 'no-no'.
Oh come on! I can't freaking do anything! No alcohol, coffee, sushi... or cell phone?

Warning: Using a mobile phone while pregnant can seriously damage your baby

I know, I know, the study could be jumping to conclusions too quickly, and next year a study could come out that totally contradicts this one... but I'm going to try and cut my cell phone use, just in case. If I won't take a sip of alcohol (and yes, I know you can probably have a little here and there without causing a problem), if I won't take asprin for a pounding headache, I'm certainly not taking any chances by gabbing on my dumb cell phone. Watch, they'll be a study next year showing how cell phone usage makes babies smart - you just wait!

The 'p' update.
So, am I back in the first trimester today or something? I actually had a slight bit of nausea this morning - very minor, but it was still there. Plus, I was dragging all yesterday (though I was out until 2:30am Sat night), fell asleep early last night and just did not want to get out of bed this morning! I still feel like going back to sleep. My very tight pants are reminding me though, that I am indeed at 18w2d. I think I 'popped' in the past few days, and yes, there will be more pictures.
I went out on Saturday to see a local band and ran into a couple of people I had not seen in a while...there was no hiding my belly (I would have had to wear a sweatshirt for that) but no one said anything... probably because they were trying to figure out if I was 'p' or just getting chunky! (btw, is it creepy that I wore a black shirt with a skull on the front? DH thought it was hilarious) I still look more chunky than 'p', and I know people at work are going to start wondering - but will be afraid to ask! Heh heh. I'm letting them all wonder for a little longer.

So you wanted to know about my job? Not really? I'm telling you anyway!
I realize in most job situations, it would be a bad idea to not mention anything to your boss by this point, since they'll want to plan who will take over certain duties, etc. However, this isn't exactly the case here. I'm a contractor, and do not have any maternity leave/vacation pay, which works fine for me since my hourly rate makes up for that. However, I also don't have guaranteed long-term employment. It all has to do with funding for the particular project I work on, which I won't get into. Last year, they had to let me (and others) go from October through December. This actually worked well for me, because my home business gets very busy during those months. They then called me back at the beginning of January (since they just love me) for six weeks... which then got extended through April... and now I am on a month to month basis. I actually don't mind this type of situation though. It's the type of job where they will most likely have work for me, maybe just not year-round, which is fine because I never planned to work full-time with a child (thus the home business, though that wound up not providing the income I had hoped for, which is why it's now only a small side business) I'm hoping that I can work something like 20 hours a week perhaps, since they are very flexible with contractors, especially those with children (still hard for me t think of myself actually having a child!) but we'll see. And yep, I am at work right now and am waiting for something because I can't start my next test write-up until I have this particular information. (tapping fingers...)

Oh, and all of you who commented when I told you not too - you are in soooo much trouble! *wink*

You're Not Supposed To Read This.

I first just have to mention Nancy - congratulations! I'm sure most people already know about her blog, but if you don't... she 's proof that BFPs can indeed not show up until 11dp3dt! (which would be approximately 9dp5dt) Of course, I don't think anyone who sees a stark white area where they hope to see a second line, or worse, the awful 'NOT PREGNANT' message that some tests scream, wants to hear 'Oooh - there is still hope!' I know that wouldn't have helped me at 8dp5dt when I am sure I would have seen a BFN, had I had the balls to actually POAS that day. (My beta was not very high at 9dp5dt and I was spotting!)

Anyway... ummm...I guess I have very shy visitors? I mean really people, three whole comments from my last post? Phhhht! Oh well, I really had hoped to find out a little more about my readers, and see if there were silent lurkers out there. Thanks to those who did comment.

Essentially begging for comments probably is a bad idea anyway. Besides - I don't want comments. I hate blog comments. Please do not post comments here, ever! In fact, make sure you do not read this blog! Are you still reading this? I just told you not to!

So anyway, reading Dr. Grumbles recent entry regarding the shirts she would like to purchase reminded me of the shirts that happen to be on their way to me right now from Caf.e Pre.ss. I purchased this one for now and this one for when I'm bigger... assuming things continue to go along according to plan. Yes, I do still have concerns about things suddenly taking a turn for the worse. I do not really vocalize such thoughts to people IRL, because most would think I was a complete idiot, but I think those in the IF world will understand. Anyway, I plan to wear the 'Designated Driver' one next Friday when I go to the annual 'Ke.gs and Eg.gs' celebration with DH at a bar down by the shore. (I only live an hour from the beach) This will be the fifth year there - I even took off work! Basically, you get there at 10am, eat, drink beer (Nothing like beer before noon! And no, of course I will not be drinking beer this year!), and listen to bands to kick off Memorial Day weekend. Local radio stations broadcast from the event, there are giveaways, etc. Lots of people there tend to wear shirts with funny/smart ass comments on them, so I thought the Designated Driver one was appropriate! I also bought a shirt for DH to wear. Heh heh.

My enormous number of commentors did say that they would like to see more posts about my preg... my pregggg... me being 'p'. Well, all three of you are going to be just so happy that you made that request after reading this! I have had an annoying cough for the past 3 weeks. I feel fine, as I believe it is just allergy related, (just a lot of mucous) but I am doing a lot of coughing... which means I have to be verrrry careful. See, umm, if my preg-bladder has just a teensy weensy amount of liquid in it... and I cough too hard... guess what happens? Little leaks. Yes, I know... eeeww!!! No, I do not need Depends, I just need to hold back my urge to cough if I haven't peed in the past 10 seconds. Sometimes when I have to cough up a nice, big gob of something (grossed out yet?) I actually get up to go to the bathroom to cough because I know there's bound to be a leak. It's lots of fun.... so fun that perhaps I should get this shirt. Seriously, would anyone wear that? Wait, don't answer that, because I hate comments. And why are you still reading?

There is a ton of stuff that needs to get done at our house before October... and I have the urge to throw out all of my furniture because apparently, the 'nesting' instinct is synonymous with suddenly hating everything in your house. Little things that never bothered me before are driving me nuts. I obviously didn't want to start 'preparing' too early, because that would of course just jinx everything, but I don't want to be scrambling in September, stressing because my computers are still set up smack in the middle of what is supposed to be a nursery. I do actually have a ton of baby stuff already though - crib set bottles, blankets, shirts, wall decorations - lots of stuff. I've had them for a while...some before I was even seeing my RE. The presense of these don't count towards any type of 'jinxing' because they're different. I realize what I just said makes no sense - and it isn't supposed to. I'll explain it in my next post, because this one is getting too long. Plus, I want to make sure there's a reason for people to not come back here.

Hey Readers! (or how to rip off an idea from another Blogger)

I am so totally ripping off this idea from Duck's post.

I'm curious about my readers, though I only recently bothered to install a stat counter on my blog. I figured only about 10 people read this thing, but the counter shows quite a bit more than that! Of course, many people find this blog through old posts by searching for 7dpIUI symptoms and such, and probably don't stay very long. Someone just found me by searching for 'gonal don't feel eggs.' Don't feel eggs? That cracked me up but I gather the person is doing injectibles and thought she would feel more ovarian activity. Anyway, dear readers... who are you?

Do you think my blog sucks, or do you think it's awesome? You can be honest - you won't hurt my feelings. Years of on-line debating has provided me with very thick skin.

Do you find my posts witty, stupid, or somewhere in between?

You probably don't know me in real life.... but if you do, let me know. Then tell me how the hell you found me! (Hi Mike)

Are you reading from work or home?

Are you infertile, super-fertile, or somewhere in between?

How long have you been reading this blog?

Are you from the U.S. or somewhere else?

What would you like to see me post about more, or don't you care?

How long have you been on the Internet? Have you been using the Internet long enough to remember Lynx?

Today I am 17w5d. (am mentioning that mostly for search engine purposes) I feel bloated today (I know you all want to know this!) because I learned, once again, that no matter how hungry I am, if I eat too much at one time it all just seems to sit like a brick on my belly! Hey, speaking of search engines...who remembers when there was no Google?

The Belly!

FYI: This post contains 'p' related stuff, belly pictures, and stuff about weight. I will also preface this by saying that I know how INCREDIBLY lucky I am to be in the situation I am in right now!! Trust me; I am thankful every single day. My struggle with infertility has been easy compared to what so many others have had to go through.

I had my monthly OB appointment this morning. I had blood taken for my AFP test and heard the awesome little heartbeat. My next appointment is the one with the BIG ultrasound (finally!) where hopefully, everything will check out ok.

Now for the belly pictures. Here I am in all my glory.

It's pretty neat that I managed to get a beer gut without having a sip of beer! Of course, I hoped to have one of those cute bumps in the lower belly - instead it looks like Butters is sitting right below my chest. My Butters belly can still be hidden in the right clothing. I have many years of experience in 'strategic dressing' because there have been times in my life where my boobs and gut have been bigger than they are now. Now, am I complaining about my Butters gut? NO! One may also wonder why I would even try to dress in a way to hide my belly. This is hard to explain and may sound extremely shallow without me getting into my whole 'weight history'.

I am actually eager to really show, but during this little in-between stage, I don’t appear ‘p’, just bigger, so I still dress in a way to hide weight gain. This, I realize, is very insane and again may sound extremely self-absorbed, selfish and vain. I should just shut up unless I just explain myself fully. Maybe I can provide a couple of factoids to help explain this for the time being. Let me first say that I would rather gain 80 pounds and be ‘p’ than to NOT be ‘p’.

(If you have never had weight issues, the following information may seem weird and rather boring.)

I gain weight easily. I once gained 40 pounds in one year, after losing 20. (yeah, that was really smart!) I have never been obese, but have struggled with my weight since I was young. I was teased about it, especially because some of my weight went to my chest. I am a lifetime member of We.ight Wa.tchers. I workout on a regular basis (weights and cardio) and my body still doesn't seem to want to use up more calories, even with increased muscle mass. If there was a famine, I would be a survivor because my body is wonderfully efficient at storing fat.

If someone told me last year I would be posting my weight on the Internet, as well as pictures of my bare middle, I would have told the person to please go seek psychiatric help immediately. Now look at me...

I am 5'4", and at my 13 week appointment, I weighed 143, which was also my weight at 9 weeks. That wouldn’t be too bad, except that when I started fertility treatments last June, I weighed 125, after working hard to take off a little winter weight. Fertility drugs did a number on my weight (I know it fluctuated based on how my clothing would fit - especially my bras) so I stopped getting weighed. I didn't want the additional stress, and doing whatever I had to do to try and become pregnant was far more important than a number on a scale.

I did get weighed at my RE's office at around 5 weeks but refused to look at the scale. I think I may have weighed somewhere in the mid 130's (again, based on how clothes fit). After that, all my clothes got tighter and my chest grew a whole size (arrggh!) almost immediately! Seriously, it was like as soon as I received a positive beta, my body went 'Hey! Pregnancy! Woo hoo! Time to expand!' Plus, my RE wanted me to stay out of the gym for the first few weeks as a precaution, plus I had ZERO energy... and I was hungrier, and had very little nausea. This all adds up to some nice, quick weight gain.

I was a bit concerned (who am I kidding – I was very concerned!) that I would keep gaining at the same rate, which wouldn’t be healthy. Plus, silly me kept Googling things like ‘weight gain 8 weeks pregnancy’ and found all sorts of posts about people losing weight in the first trimester! BAH!! I feel a lot better now, because luckily, it seems like my body has decided to take a momentary break from extreme fat storage, (that sounds like a reality show - EXtreme Fat Storage!) because I weighed 144 at today’s appointment (17w3d). So now I can eat all I want!! ;-) (kidding - I wish!)

So, for anyone who feels like they have ballooned after the first positive pregnancy test - you're not alone! And for all of you who lost weight - go away! (just kidding) So there you have it - me and my weight. Sooo, I can say I've gained one pound in the past eight weeks, or that I am 19 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy (and pre-fertility meds) weight. Guess which one I think sounds a little nicer?!

I may have some issues, but remember, if I had to gain 100 pounds for my little Butters, I would. So, I do realize that this post may have sounded selfish and vain - I hope it doesn't, but I am prepared for such comments.

Talk about Unfair...

I am hoping for a miracle for Cam. Look at what she has been through. I mean, come ON. I know it's a long shot, but I really hope her beta results show that the evil pee stick was wrong.

Look! A Post!

First.....awesome news! Congratulations to Denise.. and Rebeccah... and Dr. Grumbles!

It's funny, but I just don't seem to be 'into' your standard pregnancy blogs and such. I am still more interested in reading infertility blogs, or 'p' updates from those who have had fertility issues. I don't seek out new IF blogs to read, but am much more interested in keeping up with the ones I have been following than seeking out pregnancy message boards and such. The only time I read your standard 'p' boards (I never post) is if I am looking up something and come across one in my search results. I'm not quite sure why, but I just don't connect with them. Again, I am very interested in reading the 'p' updates from IF blogs, so it's not that I don't want to read about other people's pregnancy experiences.

Maybe I would be the same way even if I wasn't infertile. Even in the early days, when I was merely charting my temps and keeping nice little graphs (I still have them), and plugging terms like 'symptoms 8dpo' into search engines (before I had to take progesterone which causes lovely early pregnancy symptoms, when you're not pregnant!) I could never get into all the 'baby dust' and such. I don't know, maybe if I had gotten knocked up the old-fashioned way, I'd be sprinkling baby dust all over the Internet, but I don't think so.

I really want to update this blog a lot more. (now that was a smooth transition, wasn't it?) No, really, I do. I compose posts in my head but for some reason have not been actually writing them down. I wonder sometimes if I am holding back because I am afraid I may get too involved in the whole blog thing. I say this because years ago, (here's where you actually get to know a little more about me!) I was VERY involved in writing commentary for web sites, including my own. It had nothing to do with infertility (I wasn't even dating DH yet) but instead revolved around... issues. Things that generated lots of 'You're awesome!' or 'I want you to DIE!' e-mails. I even got to be a commentator a few times on TV (you know, the kind where they have three or four people featured who get asked a few questions about certain issues). That was... wow, over 10 years ago! You'd never know by this bland blog, would you?! I haven't been involved in commentary writing for quite a while now - I just got burned out and became involved in other things. Anyway, if I do update more, it will probably still be the same, bland posts. I don't seek to make this place an area of heated debate ;-)

FYI: 'P' updates below.

Sooo... today I am 16w6d. (I'll just say 17 weeks!) No, I have not felt movement, and I don't expect to for quite a few weeks, since this is my first. I feel pretty good. Once in a while I will get a killer headache (had one last Saturday) and Ty.lenol dulls it only a tad. Years ago, I used to get headaches on a regular basis, and Ex.cedrin was my best friend. Ex.cedrin rules! However, I obviously can't take that (here Butters, want a nice dose of Asprin and caffeine?!) Not that I haven't had any caffeine. I have. I stopped all caffeine for most of the first trimester, and now limit myself to two cups of coffee a week...big cups of strong coffee. (Hey, if I only get two....) And I've had some chocolate (which I need like a third boob)
Showing? Depends. The belly has appeared, but can be disguised. (people at my office still do not know) It's not really a 'bump' - you know, those cute little ones in your lower abdomen? Nope - it just looks like I've gained weight all around my middle. I have not taken a 'belly shot' since week 12 so I think it's time again. (should I post them?)

[Again, there is a section I wrote then removed regarding weight. I have saved it and will use that in another post. Yes! There will be another post!]

Oh, I was asked if I craved any specific foods. Not really, though I have had an aversion to quesadillas pretty much since the beginning. This is very odd, because I loved quesadillas! We own a quesadilla maker! They now pretty much gross me out, which makes no sense because I still like cheese and chicken and bread. Why the combination is so unappealing to me now is pretty strange.

I wake up almost every single night to pee. Last night I got up twice. I didn't think that would happen this early, but oh well. Usually I can sleep through a massively full bladder! (TMI, I'm sure)

I have been able to keep my mind off of the 'what-if's', even though I am well aware that bad things can still happen at this stage of the game. I am trying to balance this awareness with telling myself that I have to just assume that things will be ok, and to not dwell on the tragic 'what-if's'. No amount of worrying will prepare me for something terrible. I'm not saying that I don't worry - I do, but I try not to.

Evap Lines?

Update: They weren't evap lines - she got a BFP!
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Ok, you have to go over to this blog and see what is going on! Long story short - she's getting evap lines on her pee sticks (evil pee sticks!)... but they sure don't look like evap lines to me! She had a beta at her Dr.'s office and they say the Dr. is away and she will have to wait until next Tuesday for the results! WHA? It's like a little soap opera and I must stop refreshing her blog! Anyway, go over and check out the pics of the "evap lines" - if her beta winds up being negative with lines coming up like that, I will conclude that all pee sticks are indeed made by satan himself.

ps - I am 15w5d today. Nothing much to report, except that I sometimes want to eat a small house. Energy level is pretty much back to normal. In fact, I don't feel 'p' much at all - it's weird. Only thing is when I eat, even just a little, it seems that my stomach really bloats up, but then it goes back down after a while (well, down to it's currently larger size from the weight I put on in the first few weeks) Make sense?