Red.

You get the picture.

As always - 13dpiui - which is today - I see just a little bit of AF. Tomorrow should be official CD 1.

Yeah - my body is so regular and so responsive to meds. Does things nicely every month - except get pregnant.

I can finally write something w/out crying.

White.

11dpiui. POAS. Negative. As usual.

Phantom Symptoms, Dreams and Whining.

This post is just me basically being a whiney brat. I have nothing of substance to offer.

Thank you for finally going away, phantom pregnancy symptoms, brought on by mean ol' progesteron.e.

I was going out of my mind the past two days. Today is 9dpiui... guess what I felt at 7dpiui? Mild headache, nausea and a lot of heaviness and cramping. Implantation? Most likely another cruel joke, courtesy of progesteron.e. I had the same thing last month. Oh, and I had heartburn and my face suddenly broke out too. These phantom symptoms just made it harder to NOT think about things. It's hard to not obsess when your body keeps saying 'Hey! This is what it might be like if you could actually get your eggs to cooperate - but you can't! HAHAHA!'

It gets better. Yesterday, 8dpiui, some more heaviness and cramping, though less intense, bad headache, heartburn, and the desire to cry every 10 seconds - mainly because I'm so sure this cycle is another bust. I actually started getting really pissed off - so much so that I started writing down my 'symptoms' on a piece of paper followed by a string of expletives. Now that's certainly mature and productive, isn't it?

Did I forget to mention the vivid dreams the past three nights? Of course I looked that up and found all these google entries about vivid dreams and pregnancy. Last night was the 'best' - the dream included me POAS and seeing two lines! I was excited! Then in my dream I thought 'Wait, maybe I made a mistake' and then I looked again and the lines were still there, then it's almost like I knew I was dreaming - in my dream - and that the lines weren't real. Lots of fun.

Thankfully, all phantom symptoms are gone today so I didn't have the 2ww on my mind the entire day.

Don't ask me why I am so sure this is another BFN month. Maybe it's to try and minimize the sting when AF shows up late in the day Sun. This is my second IUI w/injectables. I had two IUIs w/Clomid. There appears to be nothing wrong w/me or DH. What the hell? I hate no explanations. I freaking hate it. If I can't get pregnant I want to know WHY.

And if I see another ad for the damn "Knocked Up" DVD I'm going to break the TV.

Maybe I should sit down and relax with a glass of wine - oh wait, can't do that in case I'm pregnant. What a joke.


(and no, I'm not going to have a glass of wine, just in case)

Tired of the 2ww already at 7dpiui

Ah, the half point mark of the 2ww torture. I can’t even obsess about symptoms of any kind because I know the sneaky progesteron.e mimics pregnancy symptoms. Last month I had everything – a larger, (ugh!) sensitive chest, all sorts of abdominal twinges, starting around day 8 - almost like implantation twinges! Now that’s just cruel, evil progesterone.e!! By 11dpiui my abdomen felt like there was a basketball in it. I even had heartburn. I didn’t have any false hope though since I POAS on day 12 and saw nothing but white, white, white. AF just started to show on day 13, so it had to be the progesterone.e. Canceled the day 14 beta I had scheduled. So, any symptoms just annoy me since I figure it’s just progesterone.e – if the symptoms were from pregnancy, I would love them! Bring on the bloating, soreness, everything!

I have no idea what this cycle will bring. I am scared to death of a BFN, but I have to get myself ready for it. I am scared because as each month goes by, I get older – I’ll be 37 in a little over 5 months. RE said in one of my first visits that my age has not yet affected my fertility, based on my response to meds. But that doesn’t mean my eggs are necessarily up to par. I’ve never had any type of pregnancy – chemical, anything. That makes me think there is an egg-level issue.
I’m just not happy right now. I’m a lot more emotional that I have been during this time in other cycles. (wait – is that a symptom?!? (smacking self) stop it!) I even POAS shortly after the HCG shot(s). Why? Because I wanted to see two pink lines for once in my life, even if I knew it wasn’t from being pregnant. I know that’s weird, and already assumes that I won’t ever be seeing those 2 wonderful lines, which is not the right attitude.

On Saturday, I went to small get-together. There were six other females there, of which five had multiple children. Now, I already knew there would be a lot of kids at the gathering, which was no problem. I didn’t become silently miserable until I found out two of the five were pregnant again. The other female there had sadly lost a pregnancy early in the year and she was happy and doing fine, so I told myself to stop being such a wussy.

Oh, did I mention that I will no longer have a job in 2 weeks? That makes me even more cheerful. I shouldn’t really moan about it – I was not surprised. I am a sub-contactor, and the company just received unexpected funding cuts. So, quite a few people here are going to be out of work – even some full-time employees. The company that that subs me out to other places is very cool, and is already working on finding me a ‘home’ somewhere else. I just happen to really like my job here. I do have a small ‘at home’ business that generates a little extra money - and the type of business is somewhat ironic, considering my situation. I’ll talk about that some other time.

The Sponge.

I found out this week that my dental hygienist became pregnant while using the contraceptive sponge. Isn’t that exciting?

Perhaps I should elaborate and explain why this is relevant to anything at all ;-)

I had my standard 6 month dental visit this week. The hygienist was someone I had not had before. She was probably in her 50’s, maybe? She has a daughter in college – anyway, before she started she asked me if I was taking any medications. I paused because I just stopped the injections and was going to start the progesterone.e, and then thought those probably were not relevant. However, by that point I had paused long enough that it would have seemed odd if I said ‘No’. So I said matter-of-factly that this probably wasn’t relevant but I was undergoing some fertility assistance. Now, I knew that by saying that I might get questions, but I said it in such a ‘clinical’ way that I hoped there would be no discussion.

What was I thinking? Of course there was going to be a discussion! She said right away ‘Oh, is it working?’ I said no, not yet. Then she said that ‘you never know what might happen.’ As she started her next statement, I thought maybe she had undergone some type of fertility treatment. Ummm… no, quite the opposite. She announced ‘Yes, you never know – I mean, I got pregnant while using the sponge! Remember the sponge?’

Now THAT was not something I was expecting to hear. It might have been less amusing sounding if she had said ‘while on the pill’ or ‘while using condoms’. Well, at least I didn’t feel like I had gotten too personal by mentioning the fertility stuff!

Ok, now, before I go any further, I will say that her comments did not upset me. Maybe I would have felt different if that had been a day that AF had arrived, or if I had been undergoing treatments for a longer time, but the way she said things – it was almost in such an innocent, amusing way that it didn’t bother me. Plus, I could have just kept my fat trap shut about things in the first place.

So anyway, she announced her sponge pregnancy, and all I could think of was that her husband must have been sponge worthy. (any Seinfeld fans out there?) She then explained how it was her and her husband’s second marriage, they were going to wait a year before deciding whether to have kids or not, and then 5 months later she found out she was 2 months pregnant.

‘So, you see,’ she said, ‘You really never know what can happen!’

I guess I don’t have to explain why this is NOT a good example to use when trying to give a pep talk to someone who can’t get pregnant. ‘Hey, you can’t get pregnant, but don’t worry! I got pregnant while trying to totally avoid it! Don’t you feel better?’

I couldn’t say too much since she was cleaning my teeth.

As it turned out, it may have been relevant to mention the fertility treatment. She mentioned that my gums seemed a little tender and were bleeding a little, but it was probably due to the hormone changes – that hormone levels could affect the gum area (I never heard that before) and that I should be extra diligent with my brushing and flossing. Anyway, my dentist came in for a quick check after the cleaning was finished, and of course she announced to my dentist that I was taking fertility drugs so that’s why my gums may seem a little inflamed. At least my dentist, who happens to be female, didn’t also start asking questions – she just sort of nodded her head and let it go. (Thank you, smart, considerate dentist!)

Later that night, I started obsessing about my ovulation and the timing of everything… and the obsessive thought process came right back to the damn sponge! I was calculating when I may have ovulated and if DH’s boys would be in the area at the right time. I’m almost positive I did O on Tuesday night, based on symptoms I was having…. The HCG shot fiasco aside – assuming I O’d around 9:00pm on Sept. 17….This is my thought process:

[Start obsessive thought process]

Step 1…
Ok, there was activity with DH Sept 15, late at night. That’s less than 48 hours before O – the boys should still be there, waiting… but maybe my CM wasn’t up to par yet since I just stopped the ganireli.x on Sept 14… so maybe the boys had trouble getting through! Damn..

Step 2…
Ok, well, I had the IUI at 10:30am Sept. 17… but some places on-line said that if the boys were ‘washed’ for an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours, and some places said as little as 6 or 12 hours!!! What if they only lived 12 hours or less?! They may have died off between 10:30am and 9:00pm!!! [start panic]

Step 3…
Well, there was more activity on the morning of Sept. 18, less than 12 hours since O started… the egg lives 24 hours… but I always heard it was much better to have the boys waiting ahead of time – what if that was too late?!?

Step ^!&$!$....
I can’t believe it! I may have missed it! There was BD before and after and the IUI the day of but I probably missed the right time by a few hours! !!!!^&!$^~!#~%!#%@~#

[and back to the sponge issue] I may have missed it because of the short life span of washed boys or because of less than perfect CM, and someone with a damn sponge blocking the entryway and everything, gets pregnant? DANN IT!

[End obsessive thought process]

Yes, I know I got myself worked up over probably nothing, and if I get yet another BFN this month, it’s most likely related to something else. Or at least that is what I’m trying to tell myself.

And it’s only 4dpiui. This is going to be a long two weeks.

Me, My RE, IUI and the HCG

Well, the 2WW now officially starts. I had my last ultrasound on Saturday morning, and the final sizes of the ‘Big 4’ follicles were:

(drum roll……)
18,17,16,15

There were actually two more 15’s, but apparently there is only about a 30% chance that they would mature enough to release an egg. But, since there were 3 of them, there’s a chance at least one will release. RE had me wait until Sunday morning to inject the HCG trigger so the follicles could mature a little bit more. I had my IUI at 10:30am today. I probably won’t ovulate until later this evening since it takes 36 hours after the HCG trigger, but RE said that would be fine.

Speaking of my RE – a few people have commented (and thanks again for the comments!) that their RE doesn’t do the ultrasounds, etc. My RE doesn’t do them all the time – usually an assistant does them and then he comes in afterwards and goes over the results with me. But when it gets close to the end, he tends to do one or two of the ultrasounds. This Saturday, it was only him and one nurse in the office so he did the ultrasound - their office isn’t always open on Saturdays. Anyway, I do seem him at some point at every single appointment! He always goes over everything in detail, how things are progressing, etc. I was surprised that some people barely see their RE! I figured mine might be more attentive than some, but I guess I lucked out more than I realized!

Anyway, back to the HCG trigger and the expected O time….there is a slight chance that I may not ovulate until tomorrow…. And why is that you wonder? Well, let me tell you the story of a moron (me) who has the coordination skills of … of…. Ok, I just don’t have any coordination skills.

Me = DUH.

Sunday morning – time for the trigger!! Yay! Ok, so I open the package – the syringe is already all set up – all I need to do is take it out, jam it into my thigh and press the little ‘plunger’ – same routine as always. Simple, yes? Not for me! Somehow, and don’t ask me how, because I don’t even know myself, when I took syringe out of the package, the end that you press down on… well that came off… some spilled onto the counter.

I just stood there, looking at some of my precious HCG trigger in a tiny puddle on the counter. I had the other end in my hand – I was so freaked out that I was frozen for a moment, but I did manage to keep the other end in a position so nothing else was spilling out. So I quickly jammed the needle into my thigh, grabbed the other end, put it back in and injected the rest. I inserted the needle end right away, before putting the plunger end back on because I figured more liquid would come out the needle as soon as I put it back together and I did not want to lose any more!!

Yes, this did happen. I couldn’t make up a story this idiotic.

So I sit around, silently freaking out for about two hours. It’s Sunday – I knew I couldn’t get any more medication. I knew I did inject some. I thought perhaps 2/3 of it, but then I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know whether to call my RE or what… I finally broke down and called my RE’s answering service and left a message for him to call. I figured if there was any problem maybe he would need to reschedule things, or maybe he would tell me I didn’t need the whole shot and I could stop having a heart attack. All I knew at the time was that I couldn’t concentrate on anything whatsoever. I was furious at myself – I go through all this, finally get the size and number of follicles needed, and I screw up the simple HCG shot?!?!?!? I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry.

RE called back shortly and, feeling like the ultimate brain child, I relayed the story to him. He asked how much I thought I injected and I told him, and he said that there is indeed more than you need in the shot, and I should be ok. He said he had some in the office and would normally run in and let me come get another shot, just to be on the safe side. (This guy is just so awesome!) But, he was an hour and a half away – I of course understood and never even imagined he would run into the office for me, even if he was close by! And since it was Sunday, there was really no place to get the medication because the specialty pharmacies that would carry it were closed. He said he thought I would be ok.

Ok, so that made me feel a little better, but I was pretty preoccupied all day, thinking about the situation and wanting to kick myself 500 times.

I did wind up getting a ‘backup’ shot today. When my RE came in to do the IUI, he said that I really was probably ok, but if I wanted, he would give me another HCG shot so if I hadn’t injected enough, I was covered – I would just ovulate tomorrow night at the latest. Of course, that isn’t the best timing since my IUI is today, but the boys are supposed to last at least 48 hours, right? Oh wait... just found this online.... if the boys are 'washed', which is done with an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours. Damn. I'd better ovulate today or that was a wasted IUI. I am an idiot!!!

Anyway, RE did say to make sure that there was additional activity with DH tomorrow, just in case. The only side effect would be if I had indeed injected enough, then this second shot would cause my ovaries to swell even more and I might be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable? Who cares?!? Give me the backup shot!! So as I lay there after my IUI, one of the nurses came in and gave me the shot.

Oh, and RE did say that he hadn’t run into this before (someone spilling the HCG shot) He said this in a nice way – he didn’t say it like ‘Wow, you’re a real ass. I’ve been in practice 20 years and no one has managed to do what you did.’ I of course, still felt (and still feel) like a real boob.

So I should hopefully ovulate tonight… or maybe tomorrow. (sigh) Usually I can feel it – I get pretty crampy and have a very heavy feeling in my abdomen, which then subsides. I would have posted yesterday about my IUI being today, but I just did not feel like posting – was trying not to think about how I may have messed things up. I feel a little better now that I have had the backup shot. I do hope I ovulate today – would be so much better with the IUI being this morning, but there will be activity tomorrow to cover me in case of a later O. I start my progesterone.e (ugh) on Wednesday and my beta is scheduled for October 2.

So if anyone is ever worried because a drop of the HCG came out of the needle before you injected it, don’t worry! A drop is no big deal – just don’t spill it on the counter!!

The Details of My Follicles

I am so sure everyone is just dying to know all about my follicles. ;-)

Well, things are plugging along… I expected to be ready for the IUI by now (today is cd15) but my follicles aren’t quite big enough yet. Here’s the scoop:

I had an appointment with RE yesterday, Sept. 13. My estrogen level had dropped, he said, because of the decreased gonal.f dosage (to try and keep too many follicles from becoming mature so I don’t release 8 eggs) and the ganireli.x, and he was a little concerned that it may have had an adverse effect on follicle development. He said that sometimes happens, and then the cycle is a bust (argh! I don’t want to hear that!) Anyway, the follicle growth had slowed, but not to the point of a ‘cycle bust.’ In fact, what we hoped would happen was happening – four of the ‘Big 8’ backed off and four continued to get larger. So, the ‘Big 4’ sizes were:

Right: 15, 15
Left: 16, 15

Alright!! But, he said to come back in for another check up the next day (which was today) because I wasn’t quite ready for the hcg trigger yet. Oh well - I had hoped the IUI could have been Saturday, but no big deal I guess.

Later on, I received a call from the nurse at the RE’s office. After reviewing my bloodwork, he wanted me to take 225 of the gonal.f in the evening! The biggest dose I ever had was 150. I guess he wanted to start moving those follies along now that some had backed off. So, I took my two shots and went back this morning for another follie look-see.

The follicle sizes didn’t change a whole lot, except one more started catching up a bit. I did not write down the sizes this time, but RE said there were 4, and now possibly 5 that would were about ready, but not quite yet….. and could I come back in tomorrow? (Sat.) He apologized for ‘micro managing’ this cycle, but said that things were ‘so close’ to being optimal that he didn’t want to trigger too early, or wind up with too many follicles and have to cancel, etc. Hey, I don’t mind - who wouldn’t want a RE who is this attentive?! Based on the sizes of everything this month compared to last, I am even more positive than ever that I triggered too early last month.

Sooo…. The nurse from the office just called and I am supposed to take 125 of the gonal.f tonight (which is actually 112.5 – the pen doesn’t have a 125 setting) and of course the ‘you better not ovulate on your own!’ ganireli.x shot. My appointment is at 8am tomorrow and my IUI is now probably going to be Monday or Tuesday.

I’ll close this entry with a little embarrassing ultrasound moment. Yesterday, I kind of had to go to the bathroom, but not terribly, while at my appointment. I went to go and then they called me in, and since it was no where near an emergency, I didn’t bother to go. So I’m laying there in the ‘position’, here comes the wand… and then RE says ‘So, your bladder is a little full….’

Uhhh… yeah. I feel my face turning red. I say I don’t have to go that badly… and uh, he can tell? Oh yeah, he said, there are no secrets with this thing. I then got to see the dark area on the ultrasound monitor that represented my wonderful bladder. Apparently it was full enough to be pressing on my uterus and was in the way a little. (I really didn’t have to go that bad! Honest!) I don’t know why I was so thoroughly embarrassed – obviously this is miniscule compared to the things he’s seen. For some reason though, I felt like such a doofus!! Like a little kid who was afraid to use the toilet or something.

I made sure to go the bathroom just moments before today’s appointment!

It's hard to come up with a title today....

Before I get into the events of the day… Please remember all those who died and all the families who lost loved ones on this tragic day six years ago.

Six years ago today, I was sitting in my office and heard a commotion in the hall – my co-worker’s wife had just called because she was watching TV and just heard that a plane hit the WTC. We all thought it was a terrible accident. I called my mom to see if she knew – during that time the second plane hit and everyone tried to get to news sites on the Internet to find out what was going on. All the web sites were already jammed and we couldn’t get anywhere, even though we were on a T-1 line. Someone put on a radio. We found out that the planes that hit the buildings were passenger planes. I pretty much lost it after that…

I don’t remember exactly when we found out about the Pentagon and the other plane that crashed in PA. I lost it again when an IM popped up on my screen from a friend – it said this:

“I think Bob is dead!!”

Bob worked across the street from the WTC and no one could reach him on his cell phone. Thankfully, he is still alive.

When the towers finally fell, I was in the back area of our office building, with everyone else, listening to the description of them crashing down on the radio. I was looking out a window as it happened - just staring out and listening.

One of my duties that week was to post certain emergency information on a hospital web site – one of the company's clients was a major hospital in the NY area that was treating many from the WTC.

I was glued to the TV for days.

May such an atrocity never happen again. May we never ever forget.

I debated whether to wait until tomorrow to post anything else. It seems odd to talk about 9/11 and then go right into follicle counts.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I mentioned that I had a total of 16 follicles, 8 which were on the bigger side. Four of that 'Big 8' were on the larger side, and it seemed as if the smaller four from that eight may not catch up, which was the optimal situation – 4 mature eggs releasing for the upcoming IUI. I was excited to see where things stood this morning.

*Sigh*

Here are my current ‘Big 8’ follicle sizes:
Right: 13, 13, 12, 12, 12
Left: 15, 13, 12

Oh, now come ON!! Why do they now insist on all catching up to each other!?

Arrrghhh!!

My poor RE, who did my ultrasound this morning instead of the assistant, just sighed as he took the measurements and said “These couldn’t be any closer together.” The look of concern came across his face, just like last month. I don’t have to cancel the cycle at this point because even though the sizes are so close, they are still small enough that we still may be able to get half of them to get bigger and not all eight. Plus, my RE said my previous estrogen level was not outlandishly high. So, my tentative protocol was 100 gonal.f and the ganireli.x tomorrow morning, though he said he really wanted to look at my blood work results in the afternoon, and I would be notified if anything was to change. I go back Thursday morning for another follie look-see.

He also said my current uterine lining measurement – 6 – was a little thin. Isn’t it supposed to be at least 8? Or maybe it’s still early? I didn’t ask him to elaborate today for various reasons, but if it is still low at my next appointment I will ask for more details.

I was pretty sure by the follicle sizes, before he even said anything that I probably wasn’t going to take my trigger shot tonight for a Thurs. IUI. It looks like it may be on Saturday, which actually would work very nicely because I won’t have to even think about scheduling work around it.

While I would prefer not to have a little army of follies all the same dang size, I was very happy to find out they at least still existed. See, this morning, I thought it would be a neat idea to work myself into a frenzy over nothing.

Here’s what happened: I took the gonal.f and ganireli.x yesterday as directed. However, I got the bright idea to check my cm this morning – for what reason, I don’t know – and expected to see the ‘you’re close to ovulation but not quite yet’ type. Instead I got the ‘Hey, you already ovulated’ type… you know, white, clumpy, not stretchy… (TMI?)

I had a minor heart attack. I panicked. I thought ‘Oh no, I didn’t administer the shot right and I OVULATED YESTERDAY FRICKIN’ EVENING!!” This is all going on at 6a.m. I actually debated whether to go jump on sleeping DH and attack him, then figured if the cm was already at that stage it was too late and there was no point in frightening the poor man at that hour. I didn’t have time plop in front of the computer and start plugging in terms to see if cm changes were a side effect of ganireli.x. I tried to tell myself that that had to be the case – that in preventing ovulation, it probably also changes the mucus. Then I thought “I took the shot in the morning on Sunday and didn’t take it until the evening yesterday – maybe I took it too late and by the time I took it I had already ovulated!!!! %$!” Now, my RE had said to take it in the evening, but I then thought perhaps I misunderstood, or he had thought I had administered the shot on Sunday later than I did. Oh my was I worried until I saw those dark spots on the ultrasound monitor.

I did ask the RE today about the cm thing (left out the details - he still must have thought I was a real genius) He said that the ganireli.x would affect my estrogen level and that the decrease in estrogen would cause the cm to change.

Note to self – forget checking cm while taking injectibles!

I received a call from one of the nurses later in the afternoon. Apparently my estrogen level is dropping quite a bit (ah HA! More confirmation on the cm issue!), so instead of just one dose of 100 gonal.f and a dose of ganireli.x tomorrow morning, it’s 125 gonal.f and a shot of ganireli.x tonight and tomorrow night.

May those dang follicles cooperate!

Football and Follies

Yesterday, I actually stopped thinking about follicle size for a few hours as I watched football and concentrated on seeing my favorite team lose (arrgh!!) DH and I both love to watch football and once the season starts so does our Sunday ritual of going up to our favorite hangout nearby to watch a game, screaming a lot at the TV, and jumping around high-fiving everyone when something good happens. People we haven’t seen since the Superbowl are there too - it was like football reunion day yesterday. So there were some mood swings going on yesterday, but all related to football. :)

My ultrasound this morning gave me a little encouragement. The reduced dosage of gonal.f seemed to have the desired effect. I have a total of 16 follicles, but eight are small. Of the eight bigger ones, 4-5 are very similar in size (around 12-14) and the other three are enough smaller that my RE doesn’t think they will ‘catch up’ to the others. (to recap: RE doesn’t want more than 4-5 follicles releasing, fearing I’ll suddenly become Fertile Woman and wind up with triplets) Sooo… he said I was to keep gonal.f at 75 and to continue the ganireli.x., but to wait for confirmation after he reviewed my blood work. He then asked me if I would be fired from my job if he asked me to come in tomorrow. I said no … (luckily I can just go in a little early and skip lunch) So I go back at 8:45am on Tuesday. Later in the afternoon, one of the nurses called and told me that after reviewing my blood work, RE wanted me move the gonal.f shot back up to 150.

I am guessing that the IUI will be on Thursday or Friday, depending on the ultrasound results tomorrow. The feeling of a little hopefulness that I had early Saturday (before I started feeling like crappola about everything) came back today, especially after the encouraging ‘follicle farm’ update. I also greatly appreciate the comments I have received – they help too. Thank you. :)

Not much else to report... I am having one side effect from the injectibles (I assume it is related to the inectibles anyway...) which is very irritating. I have not decided if I should post about it - of course, technically I am posting about it since I just mentioned it. Oh I don't know - I'll decide later!

Not Much

Two shots this morning (I'm getting to be an expert) Felt hopeful about this cycle this morning, now feeling the exact opposite. What happened??

I might be irritating.

I know I'm a newbie.

As I obsessively read other IF blogs (which have really helped me maintain my sanity - and has anyone noticed that these blogs (this one not included!) are almost always witty and eloquently written?) I almost feel like I must come across as a real ignoramus, since I have so far been through nothing compared to most. I hope my ramblings here don't come across like a whiney brat who is complaining because hasn't gotten her way immediately. Do I sound like that? If I do, please let me know - while I won't particularly enjoy hearing that, I would rather be told than to continue to write posts that irritate anyone who may stumble across this.

I mean, I'm screaming about paying for medication - how many have read that and thought 'Oh boy, you're yelling about that? Haven't you heard about IVF?' I posted earlier that I've never seen a BFP - I'm sure some might think 'Yeah, would you rather have that and then miscarry? Then you'll have something to complain about!'

I know I have things to be thankful for - but I am still scared, worried, apprehensive... terrified...
I was beside myself the day I started this blog - started it shortly after I knew the last cycle was a bust. I felt, and still feel like there is something wrong with me - just wrong wrong wrong. If I start thinking about it I start to get teary eyed (very embarrassing when you're at the gym - I'm sure people wonder what the hell I could be crying about on a elliptical machine)

Well, as I was writing the above, the RE's office called.... change in procedure. I guess my bloodwork came back with some interesting results. Not sure what, the nurse did not say, but I am guessing at least creeping LH levels. instead of taking 115 gona.l f tonight and tomorrow and skipping Sunday, I am supposed to skip tonight, then take 100 tomorrow morning, then 75 on Sunday. I also need to take the ganarelli.x. I'll be interested to see what's going on with the marching follies on Monday.

The March of the Follies.

15 follies. 8 on the right, 7 on the left. About seven are on the smaller size. Of the bigger eight, six are all very close in size, and the other two are a bit bigger. This is similar to last month, when my RE had me trigger a little early so that all the follies did not release, just the dominant one or two and maybe one or two others. Well, obviously I’m not pregnant, so RE thought (as do I) that there was the possibility that I wound up only releasing one egg, maybe two. Soooo… in the quest to produce four eggs, I am supposed to reduce the 150 gona.l f to 115 or so (there is no exact measurement on the pen for that amount to it’s an estimate) for tonight and Saturday. I then skip Sunday night and go in Monday morning to see what’s up in my mini follicle farm. Hopefully, the lower dose will allow the big two to keep going, as well as just two of the other six.

And to think that I knew nothing about follicle sizes a few months ago.

I may also be taking ganireli.x, depending on how my blood work looks. I’ll know this afternoon. If the LH is starting to go up, RE wants me to take that as a precaution so I don’t start ovulating all by myself. It’s unlikely, but I better safe than sorry!

Come on, let’s hear it for four! Four, four, FOUR!!! Not more! (oh look, a rhyme)
I am afraid if there are more than that, RE may want to cancel… though since, as far as I know, none of my stubborn eggs have ever decided to implant, (never had any type of slight BFP in any way, shape or form) I can’t imagine that suddenly, four or five will latch on at once.

Anyway, luckily, I feel fine now. This past Mon-Wed, I felt lousy – my side and abdomen hurt like mad, I had a constant headache and would become nauseous for no reason. I assume it was the injectibles, though last month the only thing I noticed was a very achy side and abdomen… or should I say an abdomen that felt like it had a grapefruit sitting in it? Oddly enough, I never had one side effect from c.lomid, except for a terrible case of acne the first month I took it. I was very surprised because I read many blogs and message boards where people had such terrible side effects.

Oh well, back to work I guess…

Ps….FOUR!!!! (maybe five, just in case!)

Real Quick....

Well, the follies are plugging along. Oddly enough, I have been having pain on my left side but it's by right side that has more follicles. I think everything looks similar to last month so far - RE asked me if it was ok to be rather 'aggressive' this cycle.... ok, hmmmm..... let me think... uh, YES???!??! He then said he just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. More later, walking out the door at the moment....

It's the Weekend (what an unoriginal title)

Yay, the weekend! It's Saturday morning and I'm waiting for Fedex to deliver 'the goods.' I have some left from last cycle so I was able to start poking myself with needles last night.

My appointment yesterday did go fine - everything was normal. When my RE came in, he looked genuinely puzzled - was surprised to find me not pregnant. I said 'Well, I guess we don't have to worry about multiple births!' since he was extremely worried that too many eggs would release last cycle and I'd wind up with triplets. In fact, he had me use the trigger shot slightly early because there were about 5 follicles at around 14 (along with two others around 16 or 17 I think - can't remember exactly). He envisioned all of the 14's marching along to become mature and release. Ha, maybe if I had waited and released 7 eggs, one of the darn things would have met up w/ some of DH's boys and I wouldn't even be writing this right now.

Anyway, RE was also glad, and slightly surprised that everything had 'cleared out' in my ovaries - he thought that since I had responded 'so well' to the injectibles that there was a possibility of some 'residual' - I guess he means a cyst. (I'm still a newbie in many areas - please bear with me). Yeah, I responded wonderfully to the clomid too. My HSG was 'beautiful' according to the Dr. who performed that. Ok, so my ovaries love fertility drugs. My ovaries love to ovulate, especially my left one. DH has super boys who can get the 'whole block pregnant' (a quote from his Dr.) Soooo.... shouldn't I be pregnant?! Oh wait, am I just on the wrong block? Let me run over to the pregnancy block.....

Now, I realize that I am very lucky to not have the many problems other women experience - so I shouldn't whine. I know in that respect I am lucky. It's just since there is no explanation, I'm frustrated, and I have this feeling that there must be something else - something else wrong. I have read about immune problems and wonder if there is some issue with that. I kind of asked him if there could be something else going on, and he said that there is always that possibility but he just really didn't think so. Last month's cycle bust was still very well in the normal range of things 'just not working' - you know, even in a perfect cycle, there's only a 20% chance of conceiving, etc. My RE was very highly recommended - he's been in practice for over 20 years and developed one of the first successful IVF prgrams in my state. I do like him, he does listen, he takes time to talk to you and such, so I do trust his judgment, but.... I am still going to read up on the whole immune thing. It can't hurt.

Of course, I shouldn't worry since this cycle will work - right? RIGHT?! (trying to find positive attitude - I know it's here somewhere...)

Anyhoooo... ok, so it's the same level of gona.l f as last month (150). Still concerned about my fertility-drug-loving ovaries pumping out too many eggs (hey girls - how about just generating a good one? You know, quality over quantity?!) RE said he did not want to increase the dosage. My next check-up is Sept. 5.

Happy Labor Day to all.