Back in Blog Land!

Sorry for the complete lack of posts recently - there have been a few reasons for this, which I will detail later. (really! I really really will!) I haven't posted or really read other blogs since my last post. This wasn't planned, but it worked out that way. Since it would now be 15dpo as I write this, people may wonder what my status is. Well it isn't 15dpo. It is now CD2. Another BFN this month, as was indicated by the very punctual AF. And yes, I was very upset about the BFN, but have sinced calmed down. I just don't get it - how is it that I ovulate fine, my cycle is regular (luteal phase is exactly the same each month, almost to the hour!), tubes are clear, no one can find anything wrong, but I never get a BFP? I don't get it! Can someone please find out what the hell is going on? Argh! I know I did not have an IUI this month, but I really don't think that would have made a difference.

I will post tomorrow and finally talk a little about my acupuncture, the reason behind my lack of posts (nothing major - had to do with my mood(s) and other things I vowed to do before posting again), and what I am doing this month. Saw my RE yesterday and already started this month's meds. Anyway, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, so if you are reading this and I usually comment on your blog and have not recently, I just haven't been in blog land much.

The Past Week in a Big Nutshell!

I really got behind in updates last week and then the NY/Wedding/Football/Trigger-and-kick-people-out-of-the-hotel-so-I-can-get-knocked-up weekend put me farther behind. I brought my laptop but never logged on, which for me is a major miracle - 3 days and no computer or Internet. Usually, a 3 day Internet 'dry spell' never occurs by choice.

Anyway, I am going to give a super brief overview of the past week, and will elaborate in later posts this week - after I finish catching up on reading and commenting on other blogs, (I wish I was reading more good news...) which I still haven't done. Started, but not finished.

SUMMARY:

Thurs., 10/11 - Last Re appointment for this cycle. Follicle sizes:
16, 16, 15, 13 (and a bunch of smaller ones)

RE told me to take one final gonal.f shot that morning. Was told to trigger Fri. night. DH and I were to have our 'fun time' on Fri. night, Sun. morning, and Mon. morning. (again, no IUI this cycle b/c RE was going to a major fertility conference in D.C.) Had first acupuncture visit - it went well (again, I will go into details in later posts)

Fri., 10/12 - Walked around NY all day - had a blast. Triggered that night (very late) DH and I were in the Irish Pub at the hotel with my SIL, (her husband did not arrive until Sat.) and ran upstairs to the room for the fun and then came back down! (SIL stayed in bar with other people attending the wedding and covered for us when people asked where we were) DH and I then told SIL she had to play 'guess the bed.' ;-)

Sat., 10/13 - Hung out and then went to the wedding, which was awesome.

Sun., 10/14 - What fun - Morning - SIL out of room, her husband in the shower... and guess what we did. Yep. DH joked with SIL and her husband the night before about it - luckily they have known what we've been going through since the beginning. In fact, my SIL recommended the RE I go to because she knew people who had gone to him. Anyway, we did bolt the door and told SIL's hubby to stay the hell in the shower. How romantic! Actually, DH and I were cracking up because the whole thing was just so comical. Anyway, we got the job done and we all headed off to the football game. Good time was had by all. Football rules.

Mon., 10/15 - 1dpo - Followed the RE's orders, and kicked off the 2ww. Oh - and I tried Pre-Seed for the first time. Hoped to have it before the weekend, but it arrived Friday after we left (figures) Had second acupuncture appointment. Found out one of his patients who started acupuncture in the same stage of her cycle (doing meds and IUI) just this month is already pregnant, even though she had just started the acupuncture. Said he's been on a positive streak recently. Hoping to keep that streak alive....

So that puts me at 4dpo today. Next acupuncture appointment is tomorrow.

Hey! I'm Still Here!

It's been almost a week since I posted anything or made my usual blog 'rounds' - I can't believe it's been that long! I'll post a quick update and then go see what's been happening with everyone else.

I have seen my RE twice this week - today and Monday. DH was able to go with me one of the times. He had been wanting to go to an appointment with me for a while, just to kind of see everything. My RE just happened to be the one doing the actual ultrasound that day so he was very nice and showed DH all the wonders of my uterus. DH had met my RE briefly before because we ran into him at the gym a few weeks ago! Yes, believe it or not, my RE happens to go to the same gym as we do and recognized me and actually came over and said hello! I don't even live in a small town so it's pretty funny to just run into my RE like that. Anyhooo.....

So, it still looks like there will be no IUI this month since my RE will be away. So far, there has been no follicle drama - this month, unlike other months, the follies decided to behave and not all grow together at the exact same rate, causing all sorts of fiddling with my injectible doses to try and get some of them to back off. As of this morning, the sizes are... (drum roll)....

Right: 14, 12, 11
Left: 13, 11, 10, 10

Both the left and right had some other smaller follies also. My RE didn't seem concerned about the ones that were 10, but did tell me to lower my gonal.f dose slightly this evening, though that could change when the results of my bloodwork come back later today. I'm guessing that the 12, 13, and 14 follies and maybe one of the 11's will be large enough at trigger time (which I am guessing might be Saturday or Sunday... still not sure) I am only on CD 10, so it could even be Monday. My RE will be gone from this Friday through Tuesday (which is why there will be no IUI) so he probably wouldn't want me to go all the way to Monday and trigger without seeing me some time in between, but it's hard to know. I do have one more appointment tomorrow at 9am, so I guess he will tell me the trigger time and the exact times to go have some fun with DH.

Should be interesting, trying to schedule the 'fun time'... DH and I are leaving Friday to go to New York for the day We have a wedding to attend in that area on Saturday evening, and his SIL is the matron of honor. She and her husband are also going with us, but will be going to the rehearsal dinner and such on Friday. We all share a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night. ("hey, guys, go for a walk or something!! We have some business to take care of!") Then on Sunday, all four of us are going to the Eagles vs Jets game! So I hope we don't have to be doing something Sunday afternoon or early evening because I am not quite sure how well that would work at the Meadowlands......

Lastly, I have my first acupuncture appointment on Thursday afternoon. I don't expect to get any results from the acupuncture for this cycle, but if this cycle is a bust, I will have some acupuncture apoointments under my belt and can continue through the next cycle. My RE did tell DH and me this week that he still thinks injectibles will do the trick and we aren't at the IVF point yet, even if this month still yields the dreaded BFN. Oh, I so hope my RE is right....

Good (and weird) Vibrations

Had my first scan for this cycle yesterday (CD3). I was in a different room than usual, and the ultrasound machine was a little different. The most noticeable difference, besides the lack of a little monitor where I could gaze at my glorious ovaries, was the ever so slightly vibrating wand.

Yeah, I said it. It was vibrating a little. Now don't worry - this isn't going to suddenly get X-rated (unless you want it to! who votes for X-rated IF Blog?!) It was just weird - ok, let's just put it this way:

Vibrating wand during ultrasound = creepy.
Different type of vibrating wand not during ultrasound = not creepy.

I mean, was it malfunctioning or did some genius think a vibrating wand-cam during an ultrasound would be relaxing?

My RE poked his head in the door after the assistant was done with the porno-wand and said, “I’m embarrassed to show my face.” due to my very non-pregant condition. He then came in and said quickly, “We’ll get this. I won’t quit – don’t you quit!” I assure him that quitting had not crossed my mind. Everything was fine, and I started 150 gonal.f last night. Here’s the interesting part … I may not do an IUI this cycle.

My RE said that he was going to be at a meeting from Friday, October 12 through Tuesday, October 16 and would not be in the office at all and thus, could not do the IUI if my IUI date fell on one of those dates. (His assistants/nurses and such do not do those procedures) The 12th-16th is day CD12-16 for me. My IUI last time was around CD 18, but that cycle was longer because of the varying does of meds, trying to get some follies to back off, etc. I would still do the IUI if it was before or after those dates, though I’m positive my follies won’t be ready by next week. He assured me that he would monitor me right up through the 11th. I guess at that point he might have an idea as to when I would be ready to trigger – the only downside is that he wouldn’t be able to ‘fiddle’ with my doses. He explained that he would tell us exactly what day/time DH and I would need to ‘get together’ if there was no IUI.

Heh heh. That weekend we are going to be at a wedding – we are staying overnight Friday and Sat and possibly sharing a hotel room with DH’s sister and BIL. Luckily, they know what we’ve been doing – they are just about the only people we’ve told and they have to be two of the coolest people on earth. So I guess they’ll understand if we boot them out of the room for a bit. Watch - I’ll probably wind up needing to do the trigger shot right in the middle of the reception or something. This time I will be VERY CAREFUL.

Anyway, my RE (I need to call him something else besides ‘my RE’ Hmm…) said if I wanted to sit this cycle out he would understand, but felt that a lack of an IUI would not decrease my chances of getting pregnant, since DH’s count has always been fine. I will of course still do an IUI if it so happens that my follies are not ready until after he gets back.

I decided to go ahead with the injectibles even with the possibility of no IUI, since I’m certainly not getting any younger. I then thought how cool it would be if it worked this time around and I could actually say I got pregnant from actual sex – wow!!

See, I need to have a much better attitude this month – a true attitude change, not just a “I pretend to be chipper while I am miserable inside” type change.

I thought about this over the past few days. I was very negative the past few cycles, and I guess it’s hard not to be, considering the results so far. Also, having a lot of hope and then those hopes being erased really hits me hard. I despise that feeling – it crushes me, much more so than if I have a negative outlook ahead of time. It’s bad enough when I am not all full of hope and things don’t work out, because of course, I do have some hope tucked in the back of my mind. But I become a real mess when I am optimistic and then get knocked down. But I can’t be like that… over and over again I read how negativity, for some reason, can affect fertility. If I’m willing to have things stuck in me and up me all month, willing to spend $1000 on injectibles, I certainly should be willing to try an attitude change.

I also think it’s more than just getting upset about fertility issues – I can just be too emotional, even in a ‘good’ way. Example: watching football – I’m screaming and jumping up and down more so than most people – especially the females. And I probably look like an idiot – a 36 year old jumping up and high fiving people, screaming “Yeaaaaah babeeee!!” or “Get him, GET HIM – what the &!%^! was that?!” or slamming her hands on the table when her team messes up (like they did last week!!) Luckily DH is the same way and he likes that I get into things, but you know, if it stresses my body somehow…..so I really want to be just more “mellow” in general, which brings me to my next point.

Acupuncture. I went to my appointment, ready to ask RE if he could recommend someone. But first, I asked him if there is something else I should do. He has already assured me that my exercise level is fine (I do weights and cardio regularly) and my weight is fine (though I am not where I want to be - it’s always a constant struggle, but that’s a whole other entry). I do drink some coffee, (not a ton) and I do drink some alcohol (but never when there is a possibility of an implanted embryo). I know many women have stopped caffeine and any alcohol completely – maybe I need to do that. He said no, that should not be having any affect, and then, interestingly enough, before I had a chance to ask, he brought up acupuncture! He said he’s seen some very interesting results in patients and that he knew of someone if I was interested. Perfect! So I need to call and set up an appointment.

I am not expecting a miracle. Even if acupuncture helps, I know it is not and instantaneous result. But instead of thinking “Oh great, no IUI, this is horrible, it’s unfair” I’m thinking “Hey, maybe I’ll wind up pregnant without the use of a catheter! Ooohh.. and I save $ too!” And if it doesn’t work – well, there’s next month.

I still don't want to hear "Just relax" from fertile people!!! I don't care if I am trying to relax a little. If 'relaxing' was the only answer I would have been knocked up by March 2006.

See? The title "Good (and weird) Vibrations" wasn't just about the wand!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to truly "mellow out"? Without the use of wine or medication ;-)

No Fun on CD1

Let me start out by saying that I have been reading some very tragic IF blog entries this past week or so. Shattered hopes. Completely unfair outcomes. It makes my situation look like a party. It makes me sad and even more PO'd at life, the universe... people should be subjected to this.

I canceled the beta I had scheduled for tomorrow and have an appointment for Wednesday morning. Assuming there are no cysts, its back to the well-known routine of jabbing myself with needles while my ovaries produce lots of follicles that apparently spit out dud eggs. Or eggs that don’t get along w/ DH’s boys. Or eggs with an extra thick shell. Hell I don’t know.

Other than my short luteal phase which has long since been corrected, there has been no sign of any other problem. I should be thrilled, right?

Guess what? I’m not. Why? Because if there is no problem found, there is no answer to the question ‘Why can I not get pregnant?’ Without an answer, I will never have closure. Without an answer, there will never be a month where I don’t try, even if it’s just DIY method (do-it-yourself) because I'll think there is always the chance - remote as it may be - that I will become pregnant. I will never just 'relax' and 'forget about trying to get pregnant'.

If the end result is that I cannot have biological children, I want to know WHY. If I at least have a reason, even though the end result still sucks, I can maybe move forward more easily. Or if magically, some angel could come down and just tell me that I will never be pregnant... or that I will be pregnant, but not for another 3 months, 6 months, a year - whatever.

I know there has to be something causing this – I do not believe that at this point, it’s within the ‘normal’ range of failure. Maybe it is, if my short luteal phase prior to starting progesterone in June would have hindered any chance of pregnancy. (oh WHY didn’t I start looking things up earlier so I realized that a 9-10 day LP was too short last year? All those months, wasted…) If that is the case, then do I then assume I should only count my efforts since June? My RE is going to just love me on Wednesday because I am certainly going to be asking questions.

Anyway, there has to be something else wrong – but what? Egg/sper.m incompatibility? A uterus that won’t let anything implant? Old eggs?

Old eggs… have I mentioned that based on my gene pool, I should have super eggs at the age of 36? Oh yes! My mom (who has been so absolutely wonderful and supportive through this) is very involved with genealogy, so she has a history of people in my family and what age they were when they had kids, etc. No one was a ‘baby-machine’ – not a lot of HUGE families. But get this…The five generations before me – that would be back to my great-great-great grandmother – all became pregnant when they were over 39! One was 44!! No one, obviously, underwent fertility treatments.

Now what are the odds?! I mean, come on…. Back to my great-great-great grandmother?!? This makes me wonder WHY even more.

Am I making sense?

I did learn this month that symptoms or lack thereof mean nothing. After the day 7-8 phantom symptoms, there was nothing. Nada. Every other month I had a very sore chest. Last month my abdomen had a basketball inside plus the sore chest. (that sounds like I had a sore chest in my abdomen, doesn’t it?) Anyway, the end result is always the same. AF on dpo14.

I should have more faith. People tell me to have more faith. I read other IF blogs written by women who still have faith after being hit over and over with devastating news. Why can’t I have more faith? Why do I instead look up and tell the man upstairs that I am royally PO’d? Actually, my wording is a little less pleasant…if points were given out for faith, I would probably have zero right now.

Is it asking too much…

…to want to have biological children with the man I met at age 14? The man I was reunited with at age 32. The man who I have years of memories with from when we were teenagers, and now again, as adults. The man who would make such a great dad.

…to want my parents to have grandchildren? I’m their only child.

…to want to at least know the physical reason behind my IF, so I can come to terms with it and move on, and not wonder every month for the rest of my life (until menopause) if perhaps, by some miracle, this month it ‘worked’?

…to at least have the desire to have children go away if I just wasn’t meant to conceive, so I can again, move on?

I guess maybe it is.