$!!#!$

Great. My insurance has a cap on what they will pay for fertility medication per year- and that has just run out. Anyone who has taken injectibles knows how much money they are. (yes, I know no where near what IVF costs... I am sure those who have gone through IVF must think I'm an idiot right now.) Will post more later when I am not at work (after all, I need to make the $$$ to pay to try and create what billions of people create for free) and when I am not about to explode. I do realize that so many of you out there have had to put out WAY more than this, and I should not be whining about it. This just caught me off guard - just another added little stress. This sucks.

Just as I wrote the above, the pharmacy called to set up delivery of my very expensive little gona.l f pens. The woman on the phone told me that in the unfortunate case that this cycle doesn't work, (argh) and I try again next month and get the meds through them and that cycle also does not work, (ARGH!) medication after that is free through their pharmacy. That brought my blood pressure down a good bit.

Maybe this cycle will work. Why do I feel like it won't? That's not the right attitude - I know. And I need to be working, not posting. I'm just so aggravated right now.

Here we go again.

So, I have an appointment at 8:30am today for 'baseline' blood work and an ultrasound. Then, assuming everything is normal, it's back to gona.l f, ovidre.l, yada yada...

In the past two days, it feels like my abdomen shrank to half it's size. Dr. did tell me that I might experience bloating and cramping because my ovaries were huge due to the injections. I must say, he was right. It didn't get too bad until I started those "great" prometrium pills.

Have I mentioned that I can't stand pro(yuck)gesterone? I know I need to take it, but it makes me tired and irritable. My mood doesn't get any better as my chest decides that this would be a great time to increase in size each time I start the darn pills. (And that is something I really do NOT need)

Ooops - time to go.

In the beginning.....

My friend Mike created a blog for me years ago. I never used it or created another blog due to web page burnout. See, I used to maintain a very large personal web site (which still exists, just has not been updated). My life was about web sites – and finally, quite a few years ago, I got tired of the whole personal web site thang, though I still work with web sites on a daily basis. More about that later… anyhoo… years ago Mike told me about blogs – before blogs were popular. I thought that perhaps one day I would start one.

I never would have imagined that my first blog would be based on unsuccessful attempts to become pregnant. Politics, cats, my life in general, social issues, dieting, beer, football – any of those topics would seem more likely subjects for my first blog.

In the recent months, as I have scoured the Internet under search terms such as “12dpo”, IUI, BFN, “age related infertility” and all sorts of other fun stuff, I have come across many blogs dealing with this same issue. These blogs were so interesting that I wound up reading years worth of posts in many of them. I found useful information in these blogs, and was fascinated by how many women described exactly how I felt – but with a sense of humor. Not that the situations are funny in the least – I guess it’s hard to explain (or I just can’t write worth a darn!)

I kept thinking as I read these blogs, “I’ve been there.” Those blogs helped inspire this one. For some reason though, I never did post a comment on any of them.

And yes, there is a point to this. While this area can be a place for me to just vent, I am also creating this for others. I hope my rants here will somehow help someone else. Maybe my ramblings won’t do anyone any good – maybe people will read this and think “Egads, what a moron! Please – don’t procreate!” Who knows.

I will end my first entry with some current ‘stats’ on my situation.

My age: 36
Dear Hubby (DH) age: 36
Neither of us have any children. We have been married since the fall of 2005 - this is the first marriage for both of us. We started ‘trying’ in late spring of 2006. However, we did not become too worried until around December 2006… obviously, if we could go back in time, we would have been more aggressive immediately.

Reason for infertility: unknown. Both of us have been tested and no problems have been found. I ovulate at the same time each month, even w/out any meds. (If you haven't already guessed, this blog will have plenty of 'TMI') The only thing that could have been a possible problem early on was a short luteal phase – mine would usually only last about 9-10 days. Progesterone (which make me irritable and bloated – ugh!) corrected that with no problem.

Current treatments to date:

March 2007: HSG test - perfectly normal.

April 2007 – SA for DH – perfectly normal. Urologist told me he could get everyone on the block pregnant. Yes, he really said that.

April 2007 – Clomid 50mg.

May 2007 – Clomid 100mg.

June 2007 – Clomid 100mg, first consultation with fertility specialist. Pinpointed luteal phase defect (LPD) Had consult in time to have first HCG trigger shot and IUI at the end of June. Used progesterone suppositories. Dr. told me, based on blood tests and my ultrasounds that I do not seem to have any age related fertility issues – that my ovaries are responding to the Clomid very well. I really think he thought I would wind up pregnant this month.

July 2007 - Clomid 100mg, HCG trigger, IUI, progesterone. Switched from suppositories to prometrium pills to try and reduce side effects.

August 2007 - Gonal-F injections, Ovidrel, IUI, prometrium pills. My Dr. was concerned that I may wind up with triplets because I had so many nice little mature follicles. He was actually genuinely concerned about this!

Hahahaha! Worried about multiple births – I’ll be lucky if one of my darn eggs ever gets anywhere. See, AF just started dropping by today – just enough to indicate that yes, this month was again a bust. Today is 13dpiui (13 days past the day I had my IUI). Just like clockwork – every month since I started progesterone, AF has swung by for a moment on day 13, then came to stay on day 14. Of course, my beta (blood test to see if I am pregnant) was always scheduled for day 14. The past two months, I have gone ahead with the blood tests since AF hadn’t come to stay for a while just yet. (see what a wonderful optimist I am?) Of course, by the time I received the phone call with my beta results, AF was already here. Today, I called and cancelled tomorrow’s blood test as I am sure AF is here to stay, as usual. I am supposed to call and let them know when AF is in full swing, and then I suppose it's on to the next step - I assume the same protocol as this past month (Gonal-f, etc etc)

What the *bleep, expletive, bleep, EXPLETIVE* is wrong? Are my eggs bad? Many women in my family going back many generations became pregnant in their 40’s. I don’t get it.

I guess some people may read this and say “Well, you shouldn't have waited so long.” Maybe so, but what was I supposed to do? Should I have married just anyone at a younger age? Should I have just gotten pregnant and not worried about being married? I wish I was younger. DH and I both wish we were younger.

I know I am lucky in the fact that I nor DH have any major medical issue – but the totally unexplained is very frustrating and heartbreaking, because there is no reason – no explanation.

Back to Mike – the one who told me how cool blogs were – this is a note to him:

[ start Mike message ] Mike, if you read this – remember when we were all in that toy store years ago, and there was a big purple hippo (I think it was a hippo?) and I said loudly, “That’s a big-ass purple hippo” (or something like that) I then realized that it isn’t too bright to be saying ‘big-ass’ in a toy store with children around, and we joked about how it must be obvious if someone doesn't have kids b/c they yell 'big-ass' in toy stores? Then you said (not loudly) ‘Look at all these effing toys!’ and I went into hysterics. Anyway, seeing your blog again today also inspired this one. I am sorry I have not kept in touch. [ end Mike message ]

And thus ends my first blog entry. Let’s see if I actually continue with this whole blog thang….