9w1d Update

What a bad blogger I have been. I have some updates...
1. Graduating from my RE / 8w2d u/s.
2. Pregnant Friends: Irrational Infertility Fears (IIF)
3. Symptoms

Graduating from my RE / 8w2d u/s.
Last week's 8w2d u/s at my RE's office was fine. DH and I saw Butters with his/her heart still beating (yay) and he/she looked like something besides a blob! I have included the picture below, along with the 7w2d one.

Then we saw the head move and it was just awesome. That was my last visit with my RE - I have my first OB appointment tomorrow, 3/18. Dr. M. told me before I left to please keep in touch and that he wanted to see me when I was all 'big'! I said sure, but that I would make sure I came in when there wasn't a waiting room full of people, ya know? Actually - what do YOU think? Would seeing a pregnant lady (assuming I will stay pregnant, IIF aside) in a fertility clinic piss you off or give you hope? I think it would just upset people. I don't think seeing a pregnant woman while I was sitting in the waiting room for yet another follicle check would have helped my mood whatsoever. Anyway, I hugged Dr. M. and thanked him, then went and said goodbye to the IVF coordinator and the other ladies at the front desk area and my eyes started filling with tears! (damn hormones!) Everyone at my RE's office is just wonderful, and it was weird saying goodbye. I felt like a big dork. The IVF coordinator gave me a little gift bag that said 'congratulations' and contained some itsy bitsy booties. Aww.

Pregnant Friends: Irrational Infertility Fears
So yes, tomorrow is my first OB appointment. Let me just say that I really hope I get some kind of u/s (not sure if they will do one?) so I can see Butters and a heartbeat, and not because I have any indication that something must be wrong - this is a purely irrational concern. See, I just found out this weekend that two friends of mine are pregnant and due just one month before me! This is very cool, but it has now brought forth my Irrational Infertility Fears (IIF). You know, the 'Things can't be going this well and something is going to happen and and they will all be giving birth this fall and I won't.' I am not dwelling on this, and am trying to think only positive thoughts but it's so weird how hearing of these two pregnancies has really brought out the IIF.

I am much closer with one of the two girls, and her husband is also very good friends with mine. We saw them in person on Saturday, when DH and I went to their house for dinner. I was so happy to hear that she was expecting again (she has a 2 1/2 year old) Later that evening we told them our news, even though it is a bit early and we haven't told many people. I thought it would be obvious to them because I drank a non-alcoholic beer (which incidentally, has 0.5% alcohol. I would need to drink about 9 to equal one light beer.) However, they didn't say anything, so we finally just told them. They were very surprised since we hadn't said anything all evening! I found out that they were actually being very sensitive. They both knew we had been going through treatments, and assumed that I was probably no drinking because of that, and of course didn't want to ask. So of course it was one big happy pregnancy fest, with the husbands congratulating each other over Guiness while the wives talked about all things pregnancy over ice water. What a happy picture, right? Yes, it was! And that's what started the IIF. I mean, my SIL is due in July, the other two girls in September, and me in October. We'll all have kids the same age, which will totally rule. Yet this is just the 'perfect' time for the infertility demons to come down and really stick it to me. C'mon, you know what I'm talking about it - you've read the stories in other blogs, and it may have sadly, even happened to you or someone close to you. I'll just try not to think about it....

Symptoms.
One letter describes it all: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I really can't stand the fatigue, because I have a lot of things to get done at home after work and they are just not getting done. However, I do see any pregnancy symptom as a positive sign so I have a love/hate relationship with my fatigue. Some days I feel fine, while I feel like a walking zombie other days. I am exercising again, since Dr. M. gave me 'gym clearance' two weeks ago, (thank goodness!) so I had hoped that would help increase energy. I think the exercise has helped a bit, but not too much. I did have some pretty significant nausea this morning, though it has subsided now. I had some last week, but all in all, I've been extremely lucky to have not had much m/s. Now I just need to wake up.

Perhaps I'll just demand an u/s at my appointment if they don't plan to do one. Stamp my feet, throw a tantrum, the works ;)

I'm Fine - But Others Are Not

First, I am behind in my blog reading and commenting and I do plan to catch up this week. So if I usually comment in your blog and I haven't in a bit, don't worry, I'll be back. I'm sure this was a very big concern for a lot of you. ;)

Anyway, this post is primarily to mention this blog: Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies. Please stop by and give your support. Her baby was born still at 36 weeks. How devastating. I can NOT even imagine what this must be like. I feel like I should never complain about anything in my life ever again.

I'll be back to post updates on my 'stuff'. (I'm still incredibly tired all the time - and no, I am not complaining!)

A Quickie

I don't have time to post much at the moment, but wanted to mention that Tuesday's u/s was fine. Butters is almost 11mm and his heart was pumping away at about 150bpm. I will post a picture in my next post. I'll be going back to Dr. M. one more time next week, even though I don't really have to. However, you know I must squeeze in an extra u/s, since it may be a while before I have one again! My regular Obgyn appointment is March 18.
I am also a bit behind in my blog reading/commenting. I hope to catch up this weekend, though I'll be on a bar crawl this Saturday. That's right - a bar crawl. I decided one day of drinking won't hurt. Right?

(pause)

I'M KDDING! I'm going to get 'hammered' on O'Douls ;-) Preferably O'Douls Amber if it's available. I can have fun observing a bus full of drunk people. Heh heh. I just can't let anyone know I'm not drinking, as usual. DH and SIL are the only ones going who know of my situation.

Ok, more later.

Heartbeats and Heart Attacks

I have a very good excuse as to why I have not posted about Tuesday's u/s until now. Really I do. I've been sleeping. No lie - this %!#% progeste.rone (do you think I whine about pregeste.rone enough?!) still has be conking out pretty early each night, and I can't get a jolt from some nice strong, regular coffee! I vowed to post Thurs. night, but fell asleep even earlier because, believe it or not I am sick again! Just a slight fever and sore throat - just enough to make me feel pretty lousy, and wanting to sleep even more than usual, if that's even possible. I was able to go to work Fri. Thank you Tylenol. I rarely ever get sick two weeks in a row, so I don't know what's going on. I could have posted from work, since I do manage to stay awake during the day, but I wanted to scan the latest picture to go with the post... which I planned on doing every evening and wound up falling asleep before I get to the computer.

Tuesday's u/s went very well. Butters had grown and measured 6w2d. Based on my ER date, I would have been 6w4d on Tuesday, but Dr. M. said that a two day measurement difference didn't mean anything, because it depends on when implantation occurred. The most reassuring thing was the little heartbeat that both DH and I could see very clearly, beating away at 120bpm. I just stared at the screen in awe. You still can't see much in the picture.

I was told to stop the estrad.iol pills and the PIO shots - yay! However, I still have to use the 'wonderful' Crino.ne gel twice a day. (bleh) Dr. M. said he wanted to see me probably two more times, and to go ahead and set up an appointment with my regular obgyn for about 3 weeks from now. I, of course, wish I could stay with Dr. M. through everything, as I am sure most patients do, but we all know that isn't possible. My next u/s is scheduled for March 4.

This is where the 'heat attack' part of my post begins.
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty happy. That lasted about an hour and a half. I decided to go to the bathroom at work and insert my dose of Crin.one. I usually insert my morning does when I wake up, but I wanted to wait until after the u/s in case the u/s wand interfered with any absorption.

(TMI alert) So there I am, in the stall. Insert applicator, squeeze out the gel, remove the applicator. I notice a very small bit of red on the end of the applicator. I think 'Hmm... well, I guess I might have a little bit of spotting from the u/s or something.' I wasn't yet worried, but decided to jam my finger you-know-where just to check. I expected to maybe see a bit of discoloration. Instead, I see a finger covered in bright red blood. I start to shake.

Rational mind thought at the moment: "I just saw a heartbeat. There is no way I could be miscarrying right now."

Irrational mind thought at that moment, which completely overrode rational mind thought: "WHAT THE %!$%!$ BRIGHT RED? OH SH*T!! No No NO NO!"

It took me about 1.5 seconds to pull my pants back up, get back to my desk, grab my cell phone and get back out to a secluded part of the hallway and call the doctor's office. After explaining to the nurse what happened, she immediately told me to not worry - that my vag area is 'very vascular', end even more so than usual now that I'm 'p.' She said this happens a lot - that the u/s and the Crino.ne applicator could easily cause this. She asked if I had any type of pain or cramping - I didn't. I asked if I should come in if the bleeding continued and she said yes, of course, but that I should not expect any bleeding to continue.

I then spent the rest of the day trying to not go to the bathroom every 15.8 seconds to check things out. As it turns out, she was right - there hasn't been anything since.

Still Trying To Believe

I think many, if not most people, who have dealt with IF, go through some of the feelings I am currently having. I'm referring to the '"I can't believe this could actually work.... and for some reason I don't feel pregnant at all and I think something is wrong and I won't see a heartbeat on the next u/s.... etc etc etc." DH is very excited about our next u/s, and so am I, but I am more worried than excited. Technically, I have no reason to be worried - I don't have spotting, I don't have weird cramps... but I know what can happen. I've read countless, heartbreaking stories about finally achieving a pregnancy, only to have it end at six, seven, eight, nine weeks, and later.

I thing we (those in the IF world) get these feelings because we just can't believe that after all the bullsh** we've dealt with (and I admit I have had to deal with less than a lot of people) that we'll actually just have your normal, everyday pregnancy! Then factor in all of the awareness we have of what can go wrong... and I must admit, it does seem that many people going through fertility treatments still get a raw deal, even when they receive that elusive BFP. I mentioned this to someone, who reminded me that if a person isn't going through a difficult time, she wouldn't be writing an IF blog, so I'm going to be reading a higher percentage of 'bad luck' cases. That's true to some extent BUT, most of these blogs were started prior to any type of pregnancy loss. It just seems that many who struggle to get pregnant get an added 'up yours' from the evil IF spirits once they do see that extra line.

So while I am not stressing myself out over this (stress is bad, mmmmkay?) I'm very nervous, to say the least, and it's showing in my mood. I know DH is wondering why I've suddenly become a snappy, irritable beeatch this weekend. I could blame the progest.erone (I know it doesn't help!) but prior to me starting to worry about the next u/s, I was in a pretty awesome mood, even while stuffing myself with obscene amounts of progest.erone.

I wish I still felt nauseas, but I don't. I guess everything last week was still related to whatever virus I had. I feel fine. Perfectly fine. If I felt nauseas, I would actually feel better. Oh, isn't IF wonderful! We pray to feel like cr*p so we have a sign that we're still pregnant!

I know Tuesday's u/s is just one step on the 'worry staircase' and I can't sit around and agonize about every next appointment. I do think I will feel much better once I reach (please!!) the 12 week mark. Obviously that's still no guarantee of anything, and there are plenty of other things that could happen, but I think it may help.

People who know me IRL would probably say that I'm just being a pessimist - I do have that tendency. But I'm really not, it's just hard not to be concerned due to.... (see above points).

Can someone just wake me up in October?

Introducing Butters

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. I've been working late, and still passing out at night! However, before I continue, I wanted to again mention some fellow bloggers who just received bad news. I know there are countless others out there, but these are from some of the blogs that I currently follow.

Please send sticky thoughts out to JP. Her beta skyrocketed over the weekend, only to have it not double for the next test. Also, sadly, Azalea Baby's beta has now dropped.

I do feel odd posting about my situation with all the bad news going around. I guess I shouldn't, but I do.

First, thank you all for your well-wishes. I do feel better. In fact, by Tuesday morning, my fever and terrible cramps were totally gone. The only thing I had was pretty bad nausea... but not the kind that would make one throw up. I just didn't want to eat anything, which for me, is highly unusual. I wondered if it was leftover from my stomach-virus-thing or if it was a symptom! This lasted pretty much all day, plus, I still had some, (TMI) ummm....bathroom issues. However, I felt 100% better, and it didn't interfere with work, etc. Things were pretty much the same yesterday, maybe a bit better and today, I have barely any nausea. Maybe a bit. Still some, umm... bathroom issues. So... perhaps it was all related to whatever bug I had.

So anyway, ah yes, the ultrasound! Dr. M. did the ultrasound himself - I think he does all the ultrasounds once you've reached this stage. My ovaries are not overly swollen at all, which is good. That's what you all wanted to know about, right? My ovaries?

Ok - to the important part. We saw one little guy/gal in my uterus. DH and I were sad, knowing that either 'lefty' or 'righty' didn't latch on. However, that being said, I'm not complaining, and I know how lucky I am to have had one blastbaby stick!!! I absolutely realize what a miracle it is for me to be the 'p' word at all.

We were able to see the tiny sac right away. Dr. M. said it measured right on target. He then pointed out the yolk sac, and the beginning of a fetal pole, which are basically just little dots inside the sac. We were unable to detect a heartbeat, which is not unusual. Dr. M. did warn me before the ultrasound that we may not see one quite yet, and if that's the case, I shouldn't be concerned. Of course I had already scoured the Internet and knew that 5w5d was still pretty early for a heartbeat, so I was prepared. (Dr. M. actually said I was 5w4d, and I'm not quite sure why, since ER was on Jan. 25, but, whatever.)

I have of course included a picture, though you won't really see much yet, just the teensy sac.

(If you want to see some totally cool pictures, check out Rebecca's 3-D pics!)

DH and I are now referring to the little one as Butters. We came up with that because for some reason, we thought of the innocent little kid on South.Par.k named Butters, and thought if our tiny one could talk (stop laughing at me!) we imagined him/her talking like Butters - like "Hey guys, I'm trying my best to grow in here...awww gee...look, I'm growing hands!" DH also really likes the character....ok, I know that may not make much sense if you have never heard of or seen this character, and even if you do know who Butters is, it still may not make any sense! Anyway, butter is kind of sticky too, so we thought Butters was fitting.

Because we did not yet detect a heartbeat, Dr. M. wants me to stay on all of my progeste.rone (booooo!) as a precaution. That's right - the PIO shots as well as two doses of crin.one gel a day.

Right before I left, Dr. M. decided to do b/w and check my HCG level. My HCG level, as of yesterday, was 6666. I laughed when they called me with the number! The doubling time has slowed now to 2.5 days, but the nurse who called said that Dr. M. reviewed the results of the b/w and the number was fine.

So now I wait until next Tuesday, Feb. 26, for my next ultrasound. Please keep sticking, Butters.