Still Trying To Believe

I think many, if not most people, who have dealt with IF, go through some of the feelings I am currently having. I'm referring to the '"I can't believe this could actually work.... and for some reason I don't feel pregnant at all and I think something is wrong and I won't see a heartbeat on the next u/s.... etc etc etc." DH is very excited about our next u/s, and so am I, but I am more worried than excited. Technically, I have no reason to be worried - I don't have spotting, I don't have weird cramps... but I know what can happen. I've read countless, heartbreaking stories about finally achieving a pregnancy, only to have it end at six, seven, eight, nine weeks, and later.

I thing we (those in the IF world) get these feelings because we just can't believe that after all the bullsh** we've dealt with (and I admit I have had to deal with less than a lot of people) that we'll actually just have your normal, everyday pregnancy! Then factor in all of the awareness we have of what can go wrong... and I must admit, it does seem that many people going through fertility treatments still get a raw deal, even when they receive that elusive BFP. I mentioned this to someone, who reminded me that if a person isn't going through a difficult time, she wouldn't be writing an IF blog, so I'm going to be reading a higher percentage of 'bad luck' cases. That's true to some extent BUT, most of these blogs were started prior to any type of pregnancy loss. It just seems that many who struggle to get pregnant get an added 'up yours' from the evil IF spirits once they do see that extra line.

So while I am not stressing myself out over this (stress is bad, mmmmkay?) I'm very nervous, to say the least, and it's showing in my mood. I know DH is wondering why I've suddenly become a snappy, irritable beeatch this weekend. I could blame the progest.erone (I know it doesn't help!) but prior to me starting to worry about the next u/s, I was in a pretty awesome mood, even while stuffing myself with obscene amounts of progest.erone.

I wish I still felt nauseas, but I don't. I guess everything last week was still related to whatever virus I had. I feel fine. Perfectly fine. If I felt nauseas, I would actually feel better. Oh, isn't IF wonderful! We pray to feel like cr*p so we have a sign that we're still pregnant!

I know Tuesday's u/s is just one step on the 'worry staircase' and I can't sit around and agonize about every next appointment. I do think I will feel much better once I reach (please!!) the 12 week mark. Obviously that's still no guarantee of anything, and there are plenty of other things that could happen, but I think it may help.

People who know me IRL would probably say that I'm just being a pessimist - I do have that tendency. But I'm really not, it's just hard not to be concerned due to.... (see above points).

Can someone just wake me up in October?

Introducing Butters

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. I've been working late, and still passing out at night! However, before I continue, I wanted to again mention some fellow bloggers who just received bad news. I know there are countless others out there, but these are from some of the blogs that I currently follow.

Please send sticky thoughts out to JP. Her beta skyrocketed over the weekend, only to have it not double for the next test. Also, sadly, Azalea Baby's beta has now dropped.

I do feel odd posting about my situation with all the bad news going around. I guess I shouldn't, but I do.

First, thank you all for your well-wishes. I do feel better. In fact, by Tuesday morning, my fever and terrible cramps were totally gone. The only thing I had was pretty bad nausea... but not the kind that would make one throw up. I just didn't want to eat anything, which for me, is highly unusual. I wondered if it was leftover from my stomach-virus-thing or if it was a symptom! This lasted pretty much all day, plus, I still had some, (TMI) ummm....bathroom issues. However, I felt 100% better, and it didn't interfere with work, etc. Things were pretty much the same yesterday, maybe a bit better and today, I have barely any nausea. Maybe a bit. Still some, umm... bathroom issues. So... perhaps it was all related to whatever bug I had.

So anyway, ah yes, the ultrasound! Dr. M. did the ultrasound himself - I think he does all the ultrasounds once you've reached this stage. My ovaries are not overly swollen at all, which is good. That's what you all wanted to know about, right? My ovaries?

Ok - to the important part. We saw one little guy/gal in my uterus. DH and I were sad, knowing that either 'lefty' or 'righty' didn't latch on. However, that being said, I'm not complaining, and I know how lucky I am to have had one blastbaby stick!!! I absolutely realize what a miracle it is for me to be the 'p' word at all.

We were able to see the tiny sac right away. Dr. M. said it measured right on target. He then pointed out the yolk sac, and the beginning of a fetal pole, which are basically just little dots inside the sac. We were unable to detect a heartbeat, which is not unusual. Dr. M. did warn me before the ultrasound that we may not see one quite yet, and if that's the case, I shouldn't be concerned. Of course I had already scoured the Internet and knew that 5w5d was still pretty early for a heartbeat, so I was prepared. (Dr. M. actually said I was 5w4d, and I'm not quite sure why, since ER was on Jan. 25, but, whatever.)

I have of course included a picture, though you won't really see much yet, just the teensy sac.

(If you want to see some totally cool pictures, check out Rebecca's 3-D pics!)

DH and I are now referring to the little one as Butters. We came up with that because for some reason, we thought of the innocent little kid on South.Par.k named Butters, and thought if our tiny one could talk (stop laughing at me!) we imagined him/her talking like Butters - like "Hey guys, I'm trying my best to grow in here...awww gee...look, I'm growing hands!" DH also really likes the character....ok, I know that may not make much sense if you have never heard of or seen this character, and even if you do know who Butters is, it still may not make any sense! Anyway, butter is kind of sticky too, so we thought Butters was fitting.

Because we did not yet detect a heartbeat, Dr. M. wants me to stay on all of my progeste.rone (booooo!) as a precaution. That's right - the PIO shots as well as two doses of crin.one gel a day.

Right before I left, Dr. M. decided to do b/w and check my HCG level. My HCG level, as of yesterday, was 6666. I laughed when they called me with the number! The doubling time has slowed now to 2.5 days, but the nurse who called said that Dr. M. reviewed the results of the b/w and the number was fine.

So now I wait until next Tuesday, Feb. 26, for my next ultrasound. Please keep sticking, Butters.

A Blah Monday

You know, why can't people in the IF world get a break? Please keep Azalea Baby in your thoughts. Her beta did not double over the weekend and she has to wait until Wednesday for her next beta.

I wanted to post a little about the weekend, which was fun, (the Polar Bear plunge was crazy!) but I'm not in the mood at the moment. I had some early a.m. 'fun'. I felt fine last night, and as usual, fell asleep early. I even missed the end of Family Guy! So I passed out on the couch, (I should just get in bed to watch TV - poor DH keeps having to go to bed alone with my recent early-couch-pass-outs) and woke up at 1:30am, and man, was I nauseous!

Warning - TMI coming up...
So I then proceeded to throw up whatever was left in my stomach. I thought 'Oh wow - a pregnancy symptom!' While I wasn't thrilled about being nauseous, I was a happy to have a symptom! Weird, huh? As it turns out, that was not a symptom. I have the stomach flu or a virus or something, because shortly thereafter, the excruciating abdominal pain started. The pain was too high up to be uterine cramping... and then things started flowing out the other end. Unfortunately, that did not relieve the horrible cramps. I was up until about 5:30am, then fell asleep and woke up at 6am with the pain still there! Luckily, things had stopped flowing out of my body. Now I have a fever and the thought of any food makes me want to puke. I am forcing myself to drink water and tea (decaf!), though it's difficult. The pain is till there but has lessened so I did make it into work for a few hours.

Now the pain is lower, so I'm trying not to think about it and not worry about it being a potential problem. But right now, I have pretty bad cramps, right around my uterus. Damn it. I don't want to take Tylen.ol to bring down my fever unless I really have to. Hopefully this is some type of 24 hour thing... and nothing else is wrong.

(edited - I just took one 500mg Tylen.ol. I spoke to my SIL who is a nurse and she said that it's safe, and it's better to bring the fever down)

The Last Beta!

First, please keep these bloggers in your thoughts: Swim received a negative beta - on Valentine's Day. I also found Jen's blog through Denise, and my heart is just breaking.

There is some good news out there. Azalea Baby received a whopping positive beta today - 309!!

Speaking of betas...today was my last beta - 1663. Doubling time is now 36.8 hours.
(For anyone who might randomly come across this entry, I'm 16dp5dt/21dpo)

Now I can obsess about my Feb. 20 u/s. My HCG numbers are strong, but still don't seem high enough for a twin pregnancy - and yes, I know you can't really tell by HCG numbers. But, based on the numbers at Beta Base, I am above the average for a singleton pregnancy, but no where near the average for twins. So, I'm pretty sure I have one little blastbaby growing.... unless I'm in for another surprise. (more teensy weensy balloons?)

Can you tell I want to know everything yesterday?

On another note, I have successfully given myself PIO butt shots the past two nights because DH is away on business. [Yep, he was away on Valentine's Day. I survived ;-) ] It wasn't too bad - I just stood in front of a full-length mirror, positioned the needle, and stuck it in. I am a little more sore than when DH does it for some reason.

I saw "The Bucket List" last night. I did like the movie, though I thought it dragged a bit. By the time it was over, around 9:30pm, my progesterone-stuffed body was ready to pass out! As tired as I get at night now though, I do wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Still no other symptoms other than the log-like sleeping and the bodacious ta-tas. [I know you're all just sooo curious. ;-) ]

Other random notes: Tomorrow I am going to the annual Polar Bear Plunge. That's where a bunch of insane people jump into the freezing cold ocean! I was originally going to be one of the idiots jumping in, but obviously I'm not now. I'll cheer on the sidelines with my SIL. This will be my first outing where I need to hide that I am not the 'p' word - in other words, pretend I am drinking beer at the post-plunge after party. However, since everyone knows that SIL is pregnant, she's going to help cover for me. She can buy non-alcoholic beer, since no one will question why she is ordering it, and pour it in a cup and give to me so it looks like I am drinking regular beer.

That's about it for right now.....

Beta #3 and Other Updates

We have some good and bad news out there in blogland...

First, the bad news. Poor Swim received a BFN when she POAS, but her beta is not until tomorrow. Let's all hope she gets a big surprise on Thursday.

I had my third beta today. (drum roll....)
Today's beta - 674
Doubling time is now 35.8 hours.

To recap:
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
14dp5dt - 674

I still go for yet another beta on Friday. I know you technically can't tell if you're carrying one or two little ones based on HCG numbers, but I think I just have one little guy/gal in there. By the third beta, it seems that people with multiples are getting higher numbers. I'll find out at the u/s next week, and if there is just one, I will be a little sad that lefty or righty didn't make it, but one is fine with me - I'm extremely lucky to be the 'p' word at all.

I saw Dr. M. just as I was leaving the office this morning and he asked me if I felt pregnant. I said not really, except for my, umm... expanding chest. I wanted to say, "UGH! Save me from these big progesterone boobs!" He sort of laughed and said that a lot of people tell him that, and then asked if people were calling me Dolly! Ha ha ha, real funny. Actually it is kind of funny. :) Luckily, I have some minimizer bras which I am currently stuffing myself into. My chest expands and shrinks based not just on my progesterone level, but my weight, so I also have some bras from when I weighed more that are still too big for me. So at least I can go a little while without buying bras.

I can't believe I am posting about my bras. Anyway, I did get a chance to ask Dr. M. about exercise and he said for now, I should stick to just walking (no elliptical machines or things like that yet) and that I could do upper body resistance training. I haven't been to the gym in weeks! I used to go multiple times a week and do cardio as well as a full weight workout! I think when I start doing weights again I will keep it very light - better safe than sorry.

Dr. M. also said that he doesn't like reducing any medication until after he sees a heartbeat, just to be on the safe side. I will be 5w5d for next week's u/s, and based on what I have read, I may be able to see (though not hear) a heartbeat. If I see a heartbeat, I know I'm going to just start bawling.

The only other thing I have noticed is that I'm sleeping a lot. I wake up without a problem, and am wide awake during the day, but in the evening I wind up passing out and sleeping right through until morning! Usually, if I would fall asleep super early, I'll wind up waking up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Not anymore - I'm officially sleeping log woman. It's so weird!

And lastly, I went for my first healthy pregnancy acupuncture appointment yesterday! My acupuncturist specializes in infertility - almost all of his patients are women undergoing fertility treatments. I decided to keep going because I do believe the acupuncture helped me, and I did notice changes in my body after starting acupuncture. Maybe one day I'll even talk more about that when I finally finish that acupuncture entry I've been promising to post for months! I go once a week for the first trimester, and then just a few times after that.

And yes, I stopped POAS ;-)

I Will Not Obsess, I Will Not Obsess....

I went to the 24-hour drug store early this morning (as in 5:30am because lazy me -or maybe just full-of-progesterone-me - passed out on the couch early instead of going to the drug store!) to refill my crin.one. Is/has anyone been told to take crino.ne (or prometri.um or suppositories) twice daily in ADDITION to PIO shots? Argh. I was about to start bitching about progestero.ne side effects, (I'm about to start duck taping my chest down) and decided not to because I would rather be in this position and be up to my ears in progestero.ne than the alternative. Anyhoo, I also purchased a huge bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been taking a daily multivitamin (w/ 100% RDA of folic acid) but decided to switch to the prenatals.

I felt as if I was going to jinx something by buying the BIG bottle, but told myself I was being an idiot. It's just that prior to the early morning CVS run, I of course POAS, and noticed that the line wasn't any darker than yesterday, though it wasn't lighter. Hmm.

Look at me - I've gone from pro-POAS-before-beta to anti-POAS-before-beta to Let's-POAS-every-morning-once-you-get-a-BFP.

I decided to not POAS anymore for right now. However, I am not obsessing about the lack of darkening. (lie lie lie lie) I guess the line just stops getting darker at some point - RIGHT?!?

On another note, if things continue to progress normally, (please please please) I will be due just three months after my SIL, so we'll have kids the same age. I always thought that would totally rule, though I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here.

Is it time for my next beta yet?!