Red.

You get the picture.

As always - 13dpiui - which is today - I see just a little bit of AF. Tomorrow should be official CD 1.

Yeah - my body is so regular and so responsive to meds. Does things nicely every month - except get pregnant.

I can finally write something w/out crying.

White.

11dpiui. POAS. Negative. As usual.

Phantom Symptoms, Dreams and Whining.

This post is just me basically being a whiney brat. I have nothing of substance to offer.

Thank you for finally going away, phantom pregnancy symptoms, brought on by mean ol' progesteron.e.

I was going out of my mind the past two days. Today is 9dpiui... guess what I felt at 7dpiui? Mild headache, nausea and a lot of heaviness and cramping. Implantation? Most likely another cruel joke, courtesy of progesteron.e. I had the same thing last month. Oh, and I had heartburn and my face suddenly broke out too. These phantom symptoms just made it harder to NOT think about things. It's hard to not obsess when your body keeps saying 'Hey! This is what it might be like if you could actually get your eggs to cooperate - but you can't! HAHAHA!'

It gets better. Yesterday, 8dpiui, some more heaviness and cramping, though less intense, bad headache, heartburn, and the desire to cry every 10 seconds - mainly because I'm so sure this cycle is another bust. I actually started getting really pissed off - so much so that I started writing down my 'symptoms' on a piece of paper followed by a string of expletives. Now that's certainly mature and productive, isn't it?

Did I forget to mention the vivid dreams the past three nights? Of course I looked that up and found all these google entries about vivid dreams and pregnancy. Last night was the 'best' - the dream included me POAS and seeing two lines! I was excited! Then in my dream I thought 'Wait, maybe I made a mistake' and then I looked again and the lines were still there, then it's almost like I knew I was dreaming - in my dream - and that the lines weren't real. Lots of fun.

Thankfully, all phantom symptoms are gone today so I didn't have the 2ww on my mind the entire day.

Don't ask me why I am so sure this is another BFN month. Maybe it's to try and minimize the sting when AF shows up late in the day Sun. This is my second IUI w/injectables. I had two IUIs w/Clomid. There appears to be nothing wrong w/me or DH. What the hell? I hate no explanations. I freaking hate it. If I can't get pregnant I want to know WHY.

And if I see another ad for the damn "Knocked Up" DVD I'm going to break the TV.

Maybe I should sit down and relax with a glass of wine - oh wait, can't do that in case I'm pregnant. What a joke.


(and no, I'm not going to have a glass of wine, just in case)

Tired of the 2ww already at 7dpiui

Ah, the half point mark of the 2ww torture. I can’t even obsess about symptoms of any kind because I know the sneaky progesteron.e mimics pregnancy symptoms. Last month I had everything – a larger, (ugh!) sensitive chest, all sorts of abdominal twinges, starting around day 8 - almost like implantation twinges! Now that’s just cruel, evil progesterone.e!! By 11dpiui my abdomen felt like there was a basketball in it. I even had heartburn. I didn’t have any false hope though since I POAS on day 12 and saw nothing but white, white, white. AF just started to show on day 13, so it had to be the progesterone.e. Canceled the day 14 beta I had scheduled. So, any symptoms just annoy me since I figure it’s just progesterone.e – if the symptoms were from pregnancy, I would love them! Bring on the bloating, soreness, everything!

I have no idea what this cycle will bring. I am scared to death of a BFN, but I have to get myself ready for it. I am scared because as each month goes by, I get older – I’ll be 37 in a little over 5 months. RE said in one of my first visits that my age has not yet affected my fertility, based on my response to meds. But that doesn’t mean my eggs are necessarily up to par. I’ve never had any type of pregnancy – chemical, anything. That makes me think there is an egg-level issue.
I’m just not happy right now. I’m a lot more emotional that I have been during this time in other cycles. (wait – is that a symptom?!? (smacking self) stop it!) I even POAS shortly after the HCG shot(s). Why? Because I wanted to see two pink lines for once in my life, even if I knew it wasn’t from being pregnant. I know that’s weird, and already assumes that I won’t ever be seeing those 2 wonderful lines, which is not the right attitude.

On Saturday, I went to small get-together. There were six other females there, of which five had multiple children. Now, I already knew there would be a lot of kids at the gathering, which was no problem. I didn’t become silently miserable until I found out two of the five were pregnant again. The other female there had sadly lost a pregnancy early in the year and she was happy and doing fine, so I told myself to stop being such a wussy.

Oh, did I mention that I will no longer have a job in 2 weeks? That makes me even more cheerful. I shouldn’t really moan about it – I was not surprised. I am a sub-contactor, and the company just received unexpected funding cuts. So, quite a few people here are going to be out of work – even some full-time employees. The company that that subs me out to other places is very cool, and is already working on finding me a ‘home’ somewhere else. I just happen to really like my job here. I do have a small ‘at home’ business that generates a little extra money - and the type of business is somewhat ironic, considering my situation. I’ll talk about that some other time.

The Sponge.

I found out this week that my dental hygienist became pregnant while using the contraceptive sponge. Isn’t that exciting?

Perhaps I should elaborate and explain why this is relevant to anything at all ;-)

I had my standard 6 month dental visit this week. The hygienist was someone I had not had before. She was probably in her 50’s, maybe? She has a daughter in college – anyway, before she started she asked me if I was taking any medications. I paused because I just stopped the injections and was going to start the progesterone.e, and then thought those probably were not relevant. However, by that point I had paused long enough that it would have seemed odd if I said ‘No’. So I said matter-of-factly that this probably wasn’t relevant but I was undergoing some fertility assistance. Now, I knew that by saying that I might get questions, but I said it in such a ‘clinical’ way that I hoped there would be no discussion.

What was I thinking? Of course there was going to be a discussion! She said right away ‘Oh, is it working?’ I said no, not yet. Then she said that ‘you never know what might happen.’ As she started her next statement, I thought maybe she had undergone some type of fertility treatment. Ummm… no, quite the opposite. She announced ‘Yes, you never know – I mean, I got pregnant while using the sponge! Remember the sponge?’

Now THAT was not something I was expecting to hear. It might have been less amusing sounding if she had said ‘while on the pill’ or ‘while using condoms’. Well, at least I didn’t feel like I had gotten too personal by mentioning the fertility stuff!

Ok, now, before I go any further, I will say that her comments did not upset me. Maybe I would have felt different if that had been a day that AF had arrived, or if I had been undergoing treatments for a longer time, but the way she said things – it was almost in such an innocent, amusing way that it didn’t bother me. Plus, I could have just kept my fat trap shut about things in the first place.

So anyway, she announced her sponge pregnancy, and all I could think of was that her husband must have been sponge worthy. (any Seinfeld fans out there?) She then explained how it was her and her husband’s second marriage, they were going to wait a year before deciding whether to have kids or not, and then 5 months later she found out she was 2 months pregnant.

‘So, you see,’ she said, ‘You really never know what can happen!’

I guess I don’t have to explain why this is NOT a good example to use when trying to give a pep talk to someone who can’t get pregnant. ‘Hey, you can’t get pregnant, but don’t worry! I got pregnant while trying to totally avoid it! Don’t you feel better?’

I couldn’t say too much since she was cleaning my teeth.

As it turned out, it may have been relevant to mention the fertility treatment. She mentioned that my gums seemed a little tender and were bleeding a little, but it was probably due to the hormone changes – that hormone levels could affect the gum area (I never heard that before) and that I should be extra diligent with my brushing and flossing. Anyway, my dentist came in for a quick check after the cleaning was finished, and of course she announced to my dentist that I was taking fertility drugs so that’s why my gums may seem a little inflamed. At least my dentist, who happens to be female, didn’t also start asking questions – she just sort of nodded her head and let it go. (Thank you, smart, considerate dentist!)

Later that night, I started obsessing about my ovulation and the timing of everything… and the obsessive thought process came right back to the damn sponge! I was calculating when I may have ovulated and if DH’s boys would be in the area at the right time. I’m almost positive I did O on Tuesday night, based on symptoms I was having…. The HCG shot fiasco aside – assuming I O’d around 9:00pm on Sept. 17….This is my thought process:

[Start obsessive thought process]

Step 1…
Ok, there was activity with DH Sept 15, late at night. That’s less than 48 hours before O – the boys should still be there, waiting… but maybe my CM wasn’t up to par yet since I just stopped the ganireli.x on Sept 14… so maybe the boys had trouble getting through! Damn..

Step 2…
Ok, well, I had the IUI at 10:30am Sept. 17… but some places on-line said that if the boys were ‘washed’ for an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours, and some places said as little as 6 or 12 hours!!! What if they only lived 12 hours or less?! They may have died off between 10:30am and 9:00pm!!! [start panic]

Step 3…
Well, there was more activity on the morning of Sept. 18, less than 12 hours since O started… the egg lives 24 hours… but I always heard it was much better to have the boys waiting ahead of time – what if that was too late?!?

Step ^!&$!$....
I can’t believe it! I may have missed it! There was BD before and after and the IUI the day of but I probably missed the right time by a few hours! !!!!^&!$^~!#~%!#%@~#

[and back to the sponge issue] I may have missed it because of the short life span of washed boys or because of less than perfect CM, and someone with a damn sponge blocking the entryway and everything, gets pregnant? DANN IT!

[End obsessive thought process]

Yes, I know I got myself worked up over probably nothing, and if I get yet another BFN this month, it’s most likely related to something else. Or at least that is what I’m trying to tell myself.

And it’s only 4dpiui. This is going to be a long two weeks.

Me, My RE, IUI and the HCG

Well, the 2WW now officially starts. I had my last ultrasound on Saturday morning, and the final sizes of the ‘Big 4’ follicles were:

(drum roll……)
18,17,16,15

There were actually two more 15’s, but apparently there is only about a 30% chance that they would mature enough to release an egg. But, since there were 3 of them, there’s a chance at least one will release. RE had me wait until Sunday morning to inject the HCG trigger so the follicles could mature a little bit more. I had my IUI at 10:30am today. I probably won’t ovulate until later this evening since it takes 36 hours after the HCG trigger, but RE said that would be fine.

Speaking of my RE – a few people have commented (and thanks again for the comments!) that their RE doesn’t do the ultrasounds, etc. My RE doesn’t do them all the time – usually an assistant does them and then he comes in afterwards and goes over the results with me. But when it gets close to the end, he tends to do one or two of the ultrasounds. This Saturday, it was only him and one nurse in the office so he did the ultrasound - their office isn’t always open on Saturdays. Anyway, I do seem him at some point at every single appointment! He always goes over everything in detail, how things are progressing, etc. I was surprised that some people barely see their RE! I figured mine might be more attentive than some, but I guess I lucked out more than I realized!

Anyway, back to the HCG trigger and the expected O time….there is a slight chance that I may not ovulate until tomorrow…. And why is that you wonder? Well, let me tell you the story of a moron (me) who has the coordination skills of … of…. Ok, I just don’t have any coordination skills.

Me = DUH.

Sunday morning – time for the trigger!! Yay! Ok, so I open the package – the syringe is already all set up – all I need to do is take it out, jam it into my thigh and press the little ‘plunger’ – same routine as always. Simple, yes? Not for me! Somehow, and don’t ask me how, because I don’t even know myself, when I took syringe out of the package, the end that you press down on… well that came off… some spilled onto the counter.

I just stood there, looking at some of my precious HCG trigger in a tiny puddle on the counter. I had the other end in my hand – I was so freaked out that I was frozen for a moment, but I did manage to keep the other end in a position so nothing else was spilling out. So I quickly jammed the needle into my thigh, grabbed the other end, put it back in and injected the rest. I inserted the needle end right away, before putting the plunger end back on because I figured more liquid would come out the needle as soon as I put it back together and I did not want to lose any more!!

Yes, this did happen. I couldn’t make up a story this idiotic.

So I sit around, silently freaking out for about two hours. It’s Sunday – I knew I couldn’t get any more medication. I knew I did inject some. I thought perhaps 2/3 of it, but then I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know whether to call my RE or what… I finally broke down and called my RE’s answering service and left a message for him to call. I figured if there was any problem maybe he would need to reschedule things, or maybe he would tell me I didn’t need the whole shot and I could stop having a heart attack. All I knew at the time was that I couldn’t concentrate on anything whatsoever. I was furious at myself – I go through all this, finally get the size and number of follicles needed, and I screw up the simple HCG shot?!?!?!? I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry.

RE called back shortly and, feeling like the ultimate brain child, I relayed the story to him. He asked how much I thought I injected and I told him, and he said that there is indeed more than you need in the shot, and I should be ok. He said he had some in the office and would normally run in and let me come get another shot, just to be on the safe side. (This guy is just so awesome!) But, he was an hour and a half away – I of course understood and never even imagined he would run into the office for me, even if he was close by! And since it was Sunday, there was really no place to get the medication because the specialty pharmacies that would carry it were closed. He said he thought I would be ok.

Ok, so that made me feel a little better, but I was pretty preoccupied all day, thinking about the situation and wanting to kick myself 500 times.

I did wind up getting a ‘backup’ shot today. When my RE came in to do the IUI, he said that I really was probably ok, but if I wanted, he would give me another HCG shot so if I hadn’t injected enough, I was covered – I would just ovulate tomorrow night at the latest. Of course, that isn’t the best timing since my IUI is today, but the boys are supposed to last at least 48 hours, right? Oh wait... just found this online.... if the boys are 'washed', which is done with an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours. Damn. I'd better ovulate today or that was a wasted IUI. I am an idiot!!!

Anyway, RE did say to make sure that there was additional activity with DH tomorrow, just in case. The only side effect would be if I had indeed injected enough, then this second shot would cause my ovaries to swell even more and I might be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable? Who cares?!? Give me the backup shot!! So as I lay there after my IUI, one of the nurses came in and gave me the shot.

Oh, and RE did say that he hadn’t run into this before (someone spilling the HCG shot) He said this in a nice way – he didn’t say it like ‘Wow, you’re a real ass. I’ve been in practice 20 years and no one has managed to do what you did.’ I of course, still felt (and still feel) like a real boob.

So I should hopefully ovulate tonight… or maybe tomorrow. (sigh) Usually I can feel it – I get pretty crampy and have a very heavy feeling in my abdomen, which then subsides. I would have posted yesterday about my IUI being today, but I just did not feel like posting – was trying not to think about how I may have messed things up. I feel a little better now that I have had the backup shot. I do hope I ovulate today – would be so much better with the IUI being this morning, but there will be activity tomorrow to cover me in case of a later O. I start my progesterone.e (ugh) on Wednesday and my beta is scheduled for October 2.

So if anyone is ever worried because a drop of the HCG came out of the needle before you injected it, don’t worry! A drop is no big deal – just don’t spill it on the counter!!