Infertility Irony

Betas

2011-11-11T08:34:00.006-05:00

If you are reading this for the first time, please be aware that many of the links on the side are outdated... I need to update that, and many other areas of my obviously neglected blog.

I am writing this more for myself than anyone else, since no one reads this abandoned blog ;) It's any easy way for me to keep track of what is going on. I should have done that here with preg. #2. Oh well.

Beta #1: 57
Beta #2: 167

Had beta #3 today but probably won't get the results until Monday. I actually had some minor bleeding and cramps which would have completely destroyed me had this happened with preg. #1 or #2 (especially #1) but I have read so much at this point regarding fertility, preg. symptoms and such that I know this type of bleeding and cramping (which has totally stopped) can span the spectrum from the worst case scenario (miscarriage or ectopic) to absolutely nothing (some extra blood and my uterus stretching/gas). It was so weird that those two things did not phase me, but then this whole situation is still rather surreal to me.

Ultrasound scheduled for November 21.

Uh....#3?

2011-11-07T16:02:00.007-05:00

Obviously, I have not been updating this. I may start to update again to keep track of....

pregnancy #3.

Yes.

No, not IVF #3.

No IVF, no anything.

One of THOSE... you know, people tell you to stop trying, and it will 'happen'? Problem is, even when you stop trying, if you still want to get pregnant, no matter what, in the back of you mind, you're trying! So there I was, not thinking about pregnancy, let alone ovulation....

5 IUI's, and additional months with just meds... and nothing worked except IVF. In addition, my luteal phase was too short to let an embryo stick unless I used progesterone.

Anyway, it's still super early. I was only about 1 day late (and not even that since my cycles can vary by a few days) but my chest exploded and was sore, so I bought a test yesterday just to ease my mind and prove to myself that, hello, silly woman, you can't get pregnant!

Two lines. The line is darker today.

I called my RE and he said he would follow me, so I had bloodwork done today. No results yet.

I'm writing this because I really don't know what to do, if that makes any sense.

What the *&^%$$%&*

A year ago tomorrow.....

2011-06-02T09:19:00.006-04:00

Hi again! The disappearing blog owner has stopped on by, since tomorrow is her son's birthday! Yes, on June 3, 2010 I gave birth to a little boy.... over 3 weeks early! To make a long story VERY short, I was basically walking around all day in labor. I was having contractions but they weren't bad and even the doctor said it could just be my uterus 'practicing.' Well, let's just say that around 9:00pm the contractions started getting painful enough that I thought maybe we had better go to the hospital. I decided to clean up to go, but before I could... the pain suddenly became so unbearable that I could not walk. Around 9:45pm we called 911 since I could not get down the stairs....

Our son was born at 10:21pm :) Yep, I experienced 100% natural childbirth (OOOWWW!!) And we did make it to the hospital... barely. They moved me from the stretcher to the hospital bed, started to put monitors and such on me, (as I pleaded for pain relief...) and they said "Oh, the head's right there - there's no time for an epidural - go - push!" I was like "Right now?" "YES! Now!" Pushed twice, and ta da!! I was actually on my side, with most of my clothes still on.

I had better just post this before I save it, walk away and don't come back until 2012 ;)

Still Alive and Kicking

2010-05-13T10:01:00.005-04:00

I decided to sign in and post so my blog wasn't deleted for inactivity! I never did start a new blog and obviously have not updated this one. I should post things just to at least keep a record for myself as to what is going on - anyway, I am still pregnant, am due in about 6 weeks. My amniotic fluid is on the low side so I have to go to the doctor every week and drink a ton of water. I was also told recently not to exercise to see if that brings the fluid level up a bit. If the level drops more they said I could be put on bed rest which is NOT a good thing since we are in the process of moving and am taking care of a toddler!!

This pregnancy is in many ways similar to my first one. I am carrying very much the the same way, though I feel a lot more pressure lower down, and have for a few months, probably due to everything being stretched from the first time. Heartburn is worse this time, but I didn't become congested for months.

Now I need to find out why I can't get into my e-mail account that is associated with this blog - hotmail probably deleted it.
(was able to just reactivate it)

And gee, look... spammers have been posting comments. I guess I can't allow anonymous comments now. Do spammers REALLY think that these posts will get people to click on their links?!

IVF#2... We've got one bean....

2009-11-04T10:52:00.005-05:00

A few things....
At this point, IVF #2 worked... had one ultrasound last week and there is one little sac. I have one this Friday and hope to see a heartbeat. I actually POAS after writing my last post and it looked negative... then I went back later and saw the *faintest* line... which NEVER happened to me. I could look at tests 8 hours later and it would still be stark white... so I went to $ Tree and got a few more and the line became darker. I called my RE and got my beta moved up one day. The numbers were high enough that I thought it might be twins (!) but there's just one. I am continuing with acupuncture, just like before (well pregnancy visits)

I have not been updating here - and that may seem odd since usually I would be posting all my beta numbers and such, and I wanted to... but.... I have been trying to decide what to do about this blog... it has been anonymous (except for two people IRL who know about it) and I really would like to start one that my family and friends can read. In the beginning of my infertility 'journey' I needed a place to log things, to vent and discuss things with people who know exactly what I was going through - and I still need that but I don't feel like I need the anonymity. Plus, while I am still infertile (can't get pregnant without IVF!) I don't think people who are searching out infertility blogs would be too interested in reading my blog at this point since it will be nothing but a pregnancy blog again (assuming this one sticks!)

I seriously don't think someone struggling with infertility is interested in hearing about my situation at this point - and I don't blame them!! So I think I will end this blog here very shortly... though I don't want to make this my very last post quite yet.

That's what is going on at this point. I plan to update after my next ultrasound and then hopefully know what I am doing about starting another blog....

IVF #2... Almost Beta Time...

2009-10-13T14:34:00.015-04:00

Is this the least number of posts ever made for an IVF cycle?! I still can’t figure why I’m not writing more. This post was actually from yesterday, October 12... but I got too involved in watching the Ph.illies game last night and did not quite finish it, which is why I am posting it now. (what a game!!) Anyway, I did go ahead with egg retrieval and the embryo transfer – my beta is scheduled for Thursday, October 15. I’ll summarize what’s happened so far. I’ll be comparing this to my first IVF cycle because… we, I can’t help but compare the two!

This IVF cycle started out so much like my first one it was eerie! My follicles were a little on the slow side in the beginning, with my left ovary not producing as many as the right. This did not concern me since this is exactly what happened the first time – I remember how upset I was before with the follicles on my left side, but since everything worked out fine, I wasn’t bothered by this at all. In the end, I wound up with a few more total follicles than I did with IVF #1! I have all the sizes written down and I should post them because if I don’t, I know I will lose the pieces of paper they are written on and I won’t have a record of them. Anyway, my ER was on October 1, which meant I stimmed for one less day as opposed to IVF #1. I also went for acupuncture treatments during this cycle, just like last time.

ER went pretty much the same... I was again very lucky to have an egg-stremely (ha ha) easy retrieval. I felt ok the rest of the day and even went out to dinner that night. I wasn't nearly as bloated this time around... my pants still fit ;-) They retrieved 14 eggs, but the embryologist cold tell right away that one was a dud, so I had 13 good eggs. I had 12 eggs retrieved in IVF #1. I felt confident that I would again have a 5 day transfer... but this is where things started going a bit differently.

The next day, I found out that 7 eggs fertilized. I had ten last time. I wasn’t thrilled with the number being less than before, but certainly realized that 7 was still a good number. The next day, (Sat) the embryologist called… which was a bit awkward because I was out at a breakfast event, and had to run out when my phone vibrated. I knew people were probably thinking, “Oh… one of THOSE people who just have to answer their phone no matter where they are!” Anyway, the embryologist said that she wanted to do a 3 day transfer because while all 7 embies were still growing, they were not growing quite as fast as she would like to see, and she thought that they would definitely be able to choose the best embies by day 3. I went back to the breakfast event, trying not to show that I was upset. I tried to tell myself that it was stupid to be upset since the majority of IVF cycles are 3 day transfers!

So on Sunday, I went for my transfer. My acupuncturist came in and performed treatments before and after the transfer. My RE decided to transfer three embryos – one 8-cell with 10% fragmentation, one 8-cell with 20% fragmentation, and one 5-cell with 20% fragmentation. This was certainly different than the two grade A blasts from IVF #1! My RE is very conservative when it comes to trying to avoid triplet, and even twin, pregnancies, and he is well aware of my stance on reducing (I would not reduce) so I trusted his judgment in transferring more than two. I made sure that they would still freeze the other embryos, knowing that none would probably live long enough to freeze, since my RE freezes embies only once they are at the blast stage. (and I was correct...my other embryos didn't make it)

I went home and for about a day, started obsessively worrying about having triplets. This was completely irrational, I know… after all, I transferred two embies last time and only one made it… the chance of all three hanging on would be extremely unlikely. Here is where something went a differently than last time – because of my irrational thoughts about triplets (I know – I will be very lucky if the cycle works at all!) I decided to start POAS.

I did not POAS at all with #1 because seeing the negative tests would make me insane. However, I felt much differently this time – my beta with #1 was only 54, which means that nothing would probably show on an HPT before 12 or 13 days past egg retrieval, if implantation takes place in a similar time frame this time around. Plus, I have read many more stories now from people who had negative HPTs up until their beta. Seeing a negative HPT early on would actually make me feel better, because it would mean that I probably wasn’t having triplets!! See how insane I am? Anyway, I started testing on 4dp3dt or 7 days past ER. The test of course was stark white, which meant the HCG shot was out of my system, and I have continued to test every day since then, and each day I see a very, very negative test. As of 8dp3dt (11 days past ER), it was still negative, and I have no symptoms, other than some very mild ones that can easily be chalked up to the progesterone I'm taking. (No PIO shots this time though - horray!! No more butt shots! Just suppositories!) Usually, I would be freaking out....but I haven't because I remind myself that last time, I would not have received a positive HPT by then. Plus, I cannot be too upset if things do not work - I have been blessed with a child, and I KNOW how lucky I am, and how many people would give their right arm to be in my situation.

So that’s the summary of this cycle so far.....

What's this... an update? IVF #2!

2009-09-23T12:38:00.009-04:00

Yes, I have totally neglected this blog since January. Yes, I haven't even read other infertility blogs since January! I plan on visiting some of my fellow IF bloggers later today, and see who is still around and what's been happening. I don't think anyone is actually going to read this since I stopped blogging for soooo long - I didn't feel comfortable blogging about other things here since people IRL don't know this blog exists (still!). I decided to start blogging again as a way of keeping a record of IVF #2...yes, it's that time again. I started injections Folli.stim and Men.apur on September 18! I really should have started writing a couple of months ago when I went for some initial tests (mock transfer and such), but I didn't.

This IVF cycle is a little surreal, because there wasn't months of "build up" like last time. Before, I was doing other treatments non-stop for 9 months prior to IVF #1. Now, it's sort of like "Ok, start injections - retrieval in about two weeks....". I am also much more relaxed because while I obviously will be very unhappy if this does not work... I did have one successful pregnancy and still feel so blessed from that, that I don't have the feeling of panic like the first time.

I actually did stop breastfeeding when my dear daughter was five months old, (started weaning when she was about four months) specifically because I needed to get a regular period back before I could even start the initial IVF tests. Thank goodness no one is probably going to read this because I'm sure many would comment on how awful it was to stop BF. Well, I had a choice - keep BF and wait longer for IVF #2, which would make it less likely for the procedure to work, or stop so I could try again before my eggs all shriveled up. My cycle didn't return for quite a few months, even after I stopped BF.

DH and I did try on our own for a couple of months, just for the heck of it. I even had Dr. M (my RE) check my follicle growth while I was in for the mock transfer to see when I would ovulate. Well, I did ovulate, but super late, and my luteal phase was shorter than ever! My short luteal phase is the only thing that they could ever find 'wrong' - my infertility is still unexplained. I know pro.gesterone would extend my luteal phase but it didn't seem as if anything had changed within my body and I really felt that trying 'on our own' would just be a waste of time.... so here we are again, at IVF #2.

We decided to go ahead with IVF #2 right away because of my age (38). I am actually thrilled with my one child and wouldn't be jumping right back in if it wasn't for the age factor.

It will be very interesting to see how this cycle compares to the first one. So far, it seems to be going pretty much the same... right ovary responding more so than the left and starting out a little slow. Looking back at my follicle sizes from last time though, I think I might actually have more than I did last time at this point. I'm not quite sure because I didn't start recording sizes from my last IVF until I had been taking injections for 11 days! I'm actually starting recording things earlier this time - it's only day 6! :)

Oh, and I know I need to really clean up my sidebar - dead links, old pg ticker.... etc...More later... (as anyone who reads this says "oh yeah - RIGHT! She'll post again in 5 months!!!")

Happy New Year!

2009-01-10T12:18:00.006-05:00

So much for the 'I plan to keep posting on a regular basis' - a statement from my last post on November 8! I pretty much got completely sidetracked and have been totally absent from blogland. I just started poking around again and see that I have missed quite a lot. I'll say once again that I do plan to keep posting (as anyone who is still checks this blog starts laughing and thinks 'yeah right!')

In brief: I saw my RE this week. Yes - my RE... to discuss a possible IVF #2 this year. At the moment, I am totally happy with my precious little one, but realize that my time is limited, since I am almost 38, and if we want to try to have another child, we really don't have the luxury of waiting. I am still breastfeeding and plan to keep doing so until she is at least 6 months old - I cannot start any treatments until she is completely weaned. I know it may seem like we're rushing things... again, it's just because we have limited time. If I was younger, I wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of IVF #2 at this point. Even now, I feel a little odd - like I am tempting fate or something. We were so lucky the first time around - I feel almost like I am being 'greedy', already thinking of starting treatments again this year.

Of course, maybe I'll just suddenly become pregnant without treatments. (hahahaha!)

Anyway, little C is doing great. I guess I should go into more details about her, but for now, I will actually, finally, post a picture. :-)

Also, regarding the comment I made at the end of my last post about the comment left by the anonymous poster - I discovered that I made a mistake and misunderstood the comment. The person contacted me and I found out that I actually know the person. I am sorry for jumping to conclusions.

So, here's a recent picture of little C. Not sure why I picked this picture - she smiles so much, I probably should post a picture of her smiling, but I thought she just looked really cute here.

Checking in....

2008-11-08T08:34:00.010-05:00

Hey - I know it's been ages since I've posted! Time is really going by pretty fast and I wanted to at least check in and say that everything is going ok! (knock on wood) I plan to keep up with posting here on a more regular basis and will have a birth story up soon. I am also severly behind in reading other blogs, and will try and catch up this weekend.

Just a little update on what'e been going on - We are very fortunate to have what I believe is a very well-tempered baby. I know it's only been two weeks, and after the second week, I've heard/read that babies can become a lot fussier. I've already seen this happen - for example, yesterday she was awake almost all day and would start to fuss unless someone was holding her. But, holding her would calm her immediately, which I know doesn't always happen, so I certainly can't complain! Last night was a bit of a different story... she was changed and fed and wouldn't stop crying for over an hour, even while being held. I know an hour/1.5 hours is pretty much nothing - I'm well aware that babies will often cry for many hours, and nothing you do will console them. Once she gets to sleep, she only wakes one time in the night for feeding! So if I feed her at midnight (some times she has slept a bit before that) I wind up feeding her around 3:30am, then again around 6:30am. She then usually sleeps for a while after the 6:30am feeding. She does eat more frequently during the day, but with this current nighttime feeding schedule, I am actually getting some sleep!

Now that I have written the above, I know I am setting myself up for her being super fussy and up all night! ;-)

Speaking of feeding....TMI alert - this paragraph is about breastfeeding! I've been able to breastfeed ok, though I must say, so far, I'm not a huge fan of it. People always talk about it being a 'bonding' experience, but I feel like I am bonding more when I am just holding her. However, that being said, I am in no way considering NOT breastfeeding! It's extremely beneficial to breastfeed (I know not everyone is able to nurse for various reasons - I'm not saying that it's wrong to not breastfeed!) so if I am able to do it, I certainly will! To be completely honest, my complaints are all petty and selfish. When my milk first came in, I was in quite a bit of discomfort (pain!) And my chest is now a full size (maybe two) bigger, and still sort of sore. This wouldn't be so bad if the 'girls' hadn't become so much bigger during pregnancy - now with the additional size, I'm actually uncomfortable, and look like someone who just went nuts with breast implants. They love to leak too (at least I'm producing enough milk...) Right now I spend a lot of my day feeding or leaking - I hope the 'girls' get the memo soon that they don't need to produce quite so much milk!. Ce.cilia has been very good though - she will take a bottle (yes, I'm also pumping) and then will go right back to regular nursing without a problem (knock on wood again!) Now if it just didn't feel like someone is chomping on me when she first latches on - ow! She had a weight check earlier this week and was back up above her birth weight, after losing about 5 ounces (which is normal).

I'm pretty surprised at our little one's mobility. She lifts her head, rolls on her side and I swear she can crawl across my chest. Some times when I am holding on me with her on her tummy, she starts pushing herself across me! I know, I know, I am sure all of this is totally normal, and I just have the 'I'm a new parent and MY kid is just so awesome!' syndrome.

I am actually still working a bit - not at my regular job - I don't plan on returing to working outside of the home until some time in 2009 - but at my small home business, and this time of year it starts to get busier. This is making things a little more hectic, and so when I do have time to get on the computer, it's usually to do work, thus the lack of posting/reading recently.

And lastly - to the anonymous commenter (people who have negative comments just never have the guts to leave a name, do they?) regarding the post titled 'My Daughter'.... yes, I realize it should have said 'OUR Daughter'.... however, I was posting in a hurry AT THE HOSPITAL. Most people (unless they just want to find something to pick apart) would realize that I wasn't somehow leaving DH out of things, or acting like OUR beautiful newborn baby was somehow more mine than his. Would you now like to tell me how selfish I am for not being in love with the breastfeeding process?

Quick Update

2008-10-26T14:49:00.001-04:00

Just a quick update, while I work on the whole birth story thing...We have people over watching the Eag.les game!

Ceci.lia weighed 6lbs, 7oz at birth and is 19 inches long.
Her apgar score was 9 and 9!
I can’t believe how much I want to hold her.
I was given pitocin to start labor, and was able to go without an epidural until they broke my water – after that, the pain was just too much! Labor lasted about 11 hours, but unbelievably, I only pushed for 20 min.
I’m feeling fine, just rather sore – I tore inside and have some stiches. Thank goodness she was tiny!
DH is being fantastic and extremely helpful.
I know my poor daughter is going to hear people sing that Simon and Garfunk.el song every time she tells people her name :)

My Daughter

2008-10-25T11:01:00.002-04:00

Cec.ilia Gr.ace arrived on October 23, 2008, 11:22pm!

Still in hospital - am being discharged later today and will post more updates!

40w5d - off to hospital

2008-10-23T10:22:00.003-04:00

Don't have much time - went to Dr., was dilated 3cm, (!), nonstress test was fine but they checked the amniotic fluid, it was low so they want me to go to hospital immediately! They wanted me to go stright from the Dr. office but I convinced them to let me stop home first because I live close by. Will update again as soon as possible!

40w4d

2008-10-22T15:00:00.001-04:00

Yep. Still here. Still feel nothing indicating that Butters has any intention of leaving, other than some lower abdominal pressure here and there. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow morning to see what, if anything, is going on.

I know, I know. First babies are often late. It’s normal to deliver two weeks before or after your due date. And yes, no one has to tell me that the baby will arrive “when he/she is ready.” I know all this – but I’m still getting impatient. I was extremely productive yesterday, but not so much today, so I’m a bit annoyed with myself, because I feel like I should be taking every spare moment now to do things since there will indeed be a baby here very soon. But I can’t help it – I’m being immature and irritable today and have to force myself to get anything done. I know I’ll be kicking myself later, wishing I had done more, if I don’t get my arse moving now.

On the toe front – I actually think it may be broken. It was getting better, and the bruising is going away, but it’s been a week now and it’s still swollen and does still hurt, especially if I wear anything besides flip flops (and it’s too chilly now to wear those) or sneakers. I wore ‘regular’ shoes for a short time yesterday when we went out to dinner and my toe was killing me afterwards. So I’m still walking a little funny, and feeling oh-so intelligent for managing to (possibly) break a toe walking in my house. Go me!

I’m planning on going to the gym later this afternoon with DH, though I don’t have any grand hopes of a workout getting anything moving. I haven’t even felt a contraction of any kind – isn’t that odd? It just seems weird, going on 5 days past my due date with no signs of anything.

Boy I’m being a whiner today, aren’t I?

40w2d

2008-10-20T16:50:00.009-04:00

Oops - I didn't post anything yesterday. As the title of this post indicates, I'm still pregnant. Here are a few things that obviously don't induce labor... at least not with me:

Lifting weights (carefully!)
Cardio and/or walking
Going up and down the stairs a million times
Acupuncture
Listening to loud band music
Washing floors on hands and knees
Poking my belly
Asking my child nicely to please, come on out
Not having my hospital bag totally ready

I realize I'm not that late, and as my little ticker on the right indicates, "On average, first babies arrive 8 days after their due date." Ok, but I'm still getting ancy over here, mostly because I don't want to wind up having to be induced. I know that's still a little ways away (induction), but I was hoping to not have to go that route. Luckily I'm not very uncomfortable - if I was uncomfortable and late, I'd be one super hormonal bee-atch.

I did wake up at 5:30am with some slight back pain. Since I haven't felt anything that might indicate that Butters feels like exiting, and I haven't had any back pain whatsoever, I thought "Oohh...maybe this is something!" Of course, it went away and I haven't felt anything back-wise the rest of the day. Grrr. Right now I feel some lower abdominal pressure, but I know that doesn't really mean anything either.

I know there are other things I can try - nipple stimulation, castor oil (which I will not be trying), more walking... though walking for a long time isn't that comfortable because my toe still does hurt. I have a funny feeling that it doesn't really matter what I do... Butters has his/her own little timetable.

I just really don't want to be induced, and the my main reason is a bit silly.... I want to do something regarding pregnancy without medical intervention. I needed IVF to start this pregnancy... I would like my body to cooperate and finish without induction. I know that's silly, and as long as I have a healthy baby, who cares how he/she gets here? Besides, going to the hospital to have a baby isn't exactly giving birth without medical intervention (has anyone seen the ads for the new series that starts on the Discovery Health channel tomorrow called 'Free Birthing'?!? Ack!) But still....

I know, I'm impatient.

How about those Phillies?! :)

40 Weeks!

2008-10-18T19:27:00.004-04:00

Just a quick post - today is my due date! However, I highly doubt anything will happen today... I don't feel any different. I even went to the gym and have been on my feet all day, working in our basement with DH. The only thing that has happnened is that my brusied toe/foot hurts more. Tonight we're going out to see a local band - they are playing at a large bar/restaurant that is essentially right across the street. Perhaps the music will stir things up ;)

I need to go back to cleaning and putting things away in the basement before I start getting ready to go out. I do have a major 'nesting' urge but I've had that for a while, and now I keep thinking that if Butters isn't showing up yet, I should really make use of the time! We've gotten a TON of stuff done in the house the past in the past few months - I should list everything at some point.

Anyway, I realize that it's totally normal to be late - I didn't expect to magically go into labor at midnight on October 18.... but I think it's weird that I haven't felt anything? I really hope they don't wind up having to induce me... but I'm getting ahead of myself...

Butters, we'd like to meet you! Come on out now!

Good News

2008-10-17T21:13:00.001-04:00

No news on this end, but Susan gave birth to a beautiful baby boy!

All Quiet on the Belly Front (39w5d)

2008-10-16T22:54:00.004-04:00

Well, it looks like I won’t be going into labor today, October 16. Whew! I was really worried that DH would have to miss his reunion get-together tonight because I’d be in the hospital or something. Thankfully, Butters decided to stay put, and now I'm much more relaxed!

I had a Dr. appointment today, which went fine. Still measuring fine, heart rate is fine, and his/her head is still down low. My weight had been holding steady at around 158-159 for the past 6 weeks or so, but today I was 161, which was fine – still a total weight gain of under 30 pounds (or 33 pounds, if I go by by pre-fertility drug weight in May 2007). I have another appointment scheduled for next Thursday, which hopefully I will have to cancel because Butters will already be here. If I do make it to that appointment, they’ll check my cervix and do a non-stress-test to make sure everything is ok. I still don’t feel any different, but the Dr. said that was totally normal, and my water could just break/contractions could start at any time without any warning. I have been continuing healthy-pregnancy acupuncture sessions, and I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. My acupuncturist said he’d start incorporating points that can help start labor.

My toe seems to be healing nicely. :)

Remembrance Day

2008-10-15T17:18:00.002-04:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents. Please visit the offical web site.

39w3d and my toe

2008-10-14T17:47:00.005-04:00

So, since I am not physically uncomfortable from pregnancy, I decided, hey, why not do something to make myself uncomfortable...like smash my toe! I really hope my son/daughter does not inherit my 'no coordination' gene. I tend to be clumsy and bang into things easily, and pregnancy certainly hasn't exactly helped this trait. So anyway, I was walking out of the bathroom today - a simple task...I mean, walking through a doorway, right? No problem? Ha - not for me! I somehow jammed my second to last toe on the baseboard while exiting, and I mean jammed. I heard a !crack! and screamed all sorts of colorful words. I don't think it's broken because I can (ow) move it. It's turning purple now and hurts, but I can walk, as long as I kind of walk on the inside of that foot. I tried putting a sneaker on and can't because it hurt too much. I've been taking breaks and sitting down with ice on it from time to time.

So now I'm moving a lot more slowly, which is irritating the hell out of me. On the bright side, I figure that maybe this was a sign...that if I hadn't smashed my toe I would be doing too much and would wind up going into labor on the 16th, and now I because I won't be walking nearly as much, I won't. Maybe? Or maybe I'm just a klutz who can't walk through a bathroom doorway.

On another note, I think yesterday must have been 'bring your baby or pregnant self to Ta.rget' day. I was in Ta.rget, and I swear, I have never seen so many babies and pregnant women at a Ta.rget in my life. Now granted, it was the middle of the day, and the Ta.rget is in the same shopping center as a Bab.ies 'r' Us... but I have been in that same store and the same time of day before and have never seen anything like what I witnessed yesterday. Was this just a local phenomenon or did I miss some national 'bring out your baby' day yesterday? ;)

Time to ice my toe.

39w2d

2008-10-13T21:45:00.003-04:00

Nothing much to report. Still feeling ok, don't have any signs of anything happening yet. The only thing I have noticed is an increase in (sorry for the TMI) cervical mucus, but nothing resembling a mucus plug. Still heading to the bathroom 2-3 times a night, and by the time I wake up it's difficult to move because of the pressure, but then I'm fine. As far as pregnancies go, I know I've been extremely lucky - I've had very little discomfort, and I know by 39 weeks, many women are in agony. Now as long as I don't go into labor on October 16th....

39w1d

2008-10-12T22:11:00.004-04:00

Guess what? I updated the belly shots page. I know - how exciting!

What else is exciting? Politics? Oh no, I'm not going there in this blog. I have other outlets online to get into all that 'fun' stuff! Hmm...well, the Eagles won tonight, though I'm not too happy with how they've been playing... they almost blew a game they should have won! DH and I went to our usual hangout to watch the game - it may be the last time we'll go there to watch a game for a while. (is it wrong to bring a newborn to a bar? Kidding.... kidding!) I joked with everyone about how I planned it so my due date would be on the Eagles Bye-week. (as if infertile me could actually plan such things!) Of course everyone we hang out with there made us promise to stop by with the baby - one couple said they would pay for a babysitter one Sunday so we could come watch a game - he insisted that he was very serious, and to please take him up on his offer! Both sets of grandparents live less than 10 minutes away so we probably won't need babysitters (and I wouldn't leave a newborn with one anyway) but we thought that was a very nice gesture. Anyway, it still seems unreal....that I'll be sitting here with a baby probably within the next week.... or less???

I still have a difficult time grasping this concept....a real, live baby. Here. With me. It almost doesn't seem real, even though I am sitting right here in the nursery as I type!

39 Weeks

2008-10-11T21:49:00.003-04:00

I really am trying to post every day now, even if it's very brief. One week to go....

I walked (waddled) a 5K today - there was no way I was running it! (This 7th annual run/walk was a benefit in honor of three firemen who lost their lives in the line of duty on July 4, 2002) It was a lot of fun because everyone I was with walked it too - DH, my SIL, BIL, 3-month old niece (in stroller) - they even brought their dog! I felt ok - 5k isn't a very far walk, though I haven't been doing nearly as much walking recently. Afterwards, I was rather uncomfortable because of some lower pelvic pressure, which has happened before after I have been exercising.. I then went home and passed for a few hours. I can't believe how tired I was.

Still hoping I hold out until my due date, so I can finish up some last minute things here. However, I really hope I don't go into labor on October 16 - DH has an event to go to where he'll being seeing some close friends that he hasn't seen in years, and I would really hate for him to miss that.

That's it for now...

Party in My Belly

2008-10-10T15:49:00.006-04:00

Ooops - I did it again - the 'no blogging' phase! So I decide that n0w, after over a month, while I'm sitting here in a towel, with wet hair, that it's essential that I at least post something! My due date is just 8 days away, and I actually hope I don't deliver early because there's still a list of 'to-dos' that I want to do, even though I am dying to meet Butters. Is that weird?

Here's the super brief update!

I am still 'p'! Had my most recent Dr. appointment yesterday. Butters is head down and super low, just as she/he has been since week 20. It feels like everything is in my upper belly though, so I gather I am feeling a lot of butt and legs.
I have not had any contractions or feelings like the baby has 'dropped'
I stopped working at my full-time job over a week ago. You would think that would mean I would be online more, but I am actually online less. I do what I need to do for my home business and then go back to doing other stuff in the house.
I've been frantically getting other things ready at home (see above item about not being online a lot) - things that I am afraid will never get done if I don't do them before Butters arrives!
We do have the nursery set up... and this is where I am currently writing from. The main cable connection is in this room and there really isn't any other place to set up my computer at the present time, so there is a small computer area in one corner of the nursery.
I have more belly pics.
I feel fine, other than sharp nerve pains in my legs from time to time, which are actually pretty painful, but don't last long. All the congestion I had throughout most of the pregnancy is finally gone, and I have thus far escaped any massive water rentention/swelling. (knock on wood!)
I am walking a 5k tomorrow!
I need to check in on everyone else!

So there ya go. Perhaps if I vow to write every day until I go into labor, I actually will because I'll feel like even more of a moron if I post my vow here and then don't follow through.

I must go dry my hair now.

Happy Birthday To My Blog

2008-08-29T14:37:00.004-04:00

My blog is one year old today. In honor of my blog's birthday, I present you with this link:

Cake Wrecks

Be careful the next time you order a birthday cake, or any type of cake for that matter! I almost wet myself (not that unusual these days) while reading this site. Be sure to check out the creepy baby shower cakes too. (I hope no one reading this actually had one of those cakes at their baby shower - ooops...)

Ultrasound and ‘P’ updates.

2008-08-28T14:51:00.005-04:00

Just a note: This post is all ‘p’ stuff.

I had my 32 week Dr. appointment and ultrasound last week – I was 31w5d. Butters is facing head down, rear-end up (and will hopefully stay that way!), and everything checked out fine except for one very minor thing – while Butters is still within the normal growth range, he/she (nope, we aren’t finding out!) is in the 20th percentile. At my 20 week ultrasound, Butters was in the 75th percentile. The Dr. wanted me back in three weeks for another ultrasound, just to make sure the growth didn’t drop further. I’m not too worried, (ok, maybe just a teeny bit, but I’ll be worried until I’m actually holding a baby…) and assume that Butters just had an early growth spurt. Many people don’t even get ultrasound after 20 weeks, so I’m glad I get to have another peek in just a few weeks.

As far as pictures go – we must have the worst ultrasound pictures ever! Even the ones at 20 weeks weren’t too good because someone refused to get in a decent position and insisted on blocking his/her face with an arm! This time, Butters was facing forward but the head was far down and once again, arms were in the way. We do have a couple of pictures but they aren’t very clear. The tech also tried to get a 3D picture but, because of the position, the picture just looked like a mass of blobs. Stubborn little baby. ;-)

‘P’ Stuff
I’m enjoying feeling more movement, and am still thoroughly fascinated when I see lumps move across my stomach! I still wake up every night to go to the bathroom, usually with an accompanying leg cramp. However, I have been extremely lucky so far and have not experienced any swelling… and yes, I chalk this up to just pure luck. While I am still exercising and not going too nuts with food, (well, maybe just a little…) I know you can eat right and exercise and still have a terrible time with water retention – my SIL is a perfect example. She has a very healthy diet, didn’t gain too much weight and was always at the gym – the girl was doing an hour-long step aerobics class at 39 weeks! Yet she still swelled up – especially her poor feet and legs. Of course, now that I’ve said this, I’ll probably start swelling tomorrow!

I joke with DH and say that all the swelling must gone to my chest – the ‘girls’ are bigger than ever (32.E, anyone?) but seemed to have taken a break from growing at the moment, thank goodness. My porn-star chest doesn’t bother me as much now because it’s less noticeable with my bigger belly, though I can’t imagine what will happen when they start filling with milk. Eeeegads.

Work
I’ve been working extra hours this past month, and it’s beginning to wear on me a bit, but not terribly. However, I decided cut back my hours for the month of September, and will be working only three days a week, mainly because I want to get everything done that needs to be done (still working on the house – that’s a whole post in itself) and have a little time to relax. Since I work as a sub-contractor, my hours are rather flexible, and I did tell my employer a few months ago that I would probably reduce my hours in September, and they were totally fine with the idea. I don’t have maternity leave, but I do qualify for temporary disability, and I plan to stop working at the end of September. My contractor status also makes it very easy for me to come back to work without having to provide an exact date right now, though I did tell them that they won’t be seeing me again until sometime in 2009…. maybe. I actually don’t have concrete work plans at the moment… I’m thinking of working part-time… but there is a small chance I may not. Of course, ‘not working’ means not working outside of the home – I’ll still keep the small home business thing in either case. We'll see.

And speaking of work… perhaps I should go do some now…..

Picture Time

2008-08-28T08:52:00.007-04:00

Well, I finally got off my rear and put up a belly picture page. This way, people can see the 'belly progession' if they choose, and can easily skip the pictures if it isn't something they want to see.

Belly Shots Page

While I'm posting pictures, I may as well show off our furbabies. :-)

I had my 32 week ultrasound last week (everything is pretty much ok) and will post about that next.

Please Stop By

2008-08-08T09:06:00.003-04:00

Please stop by Egged Out's blog and offer support - her DE cycle was a BFN. :-(

On A Happier Note...

2008-08-01T16:10:00.005-04:00

5 years ago today, my friend/co-worker walked into our office, looked at me and announced, "You're a mommy!" Yes, 5 years ago, our little furbabies were born! My friend's cat got outside one day for just a short time and managed to get her herself knocked up, and I agreed to take one of the kittens. I was dating DH at the time and he wanted a cat too, so he took another one of the kittens. DH and I did not live together at the time, but would always take our cats to each other's places, so they pretty much grew up together. Happy birthday, girls! [I really should include a picture of them here, shouldn't I?]

And.....I just heard back from the lab and I passed the lovely 3-hour glucose test - no GD! Now I can eat ice cream this evening (in honor of our kitties' birthday, of course!) guilt-free.

As of tomorrow, only 11 weeks until my due date. I almost can't believe it.

A Case for Sterilization

2008-08-01T09:19:00.010-04:00

Some people should be sterilized. You think I'm kidding? Andrea Kelly, mother of TEN- yes TEN - children, let her daughter essentially rot and starve to death. There is no doubt in my mind that she wanted her daughter to die, since she tooks steps to prevent others from helping her daughter. Look at this report - and I dare you to read the very disturbing indictment. It's long, but even if you just read the beginning, you'll get a very clear and awful picture of the situation. WHY are people like this are so fertile, yet so many of those who would take excellent care of their children, have fertility problems!?! And yes, I'm beyond pissed that DHS and many other organizations, as well as her own father, did nothing to stop this situation. The DHS in Philly is well-funded and the employees are not overworked - there is no excuse!

Andrea Kelly - you're a disgusting bitch (to put things politely) who doesn't deserve children. I wish someone could have sterilized you long ago, and I hope the rest of your life is a living hell. May you be left without food or water to rot away and die.

Sorry - just had to get that off my chest.

I Must Read! (and a few updates)

2008-07-29T07:46:00.005-04:00

Hey - thanks again everyone for the comments. It's nice to know that people are still reading when I have been so neglectful about posting as well as commenting on other blogs. Today I shall read and comment! I actually have been keeping up with reading a lot of blogs but have been terrible about commenting. Sorry (again?!)

Kicking. ('P' Stuff)
Butters didn't kick a whole lot yesterday - was having trouble getting my 10 kicks in three hours. I felt much better after using my little doppler to verify a steady heartbeat. I did wake up around 2:30am this morning, as usual, to go to the bathroom, and was able to feel about 10 kicks within a half an hour, but he/she sure has been a lot quieter in the past 24 hours. Now that I've said that, hopefully I'll get pummeled all day. I actually like feeling the kicks, and sometimes I now get a feeling like... how do I describe it... like a rolling feeling inside. It feels pretty funky and the first time it happened it freaked me out - but in a cool way.

Nesting.
Tonight someone is coming over to fix a couple of things on my computers that I couldn't quite resolve myself in my 'computer nesting' frenzy (I have 3 desktop PCs and a laptop... why? Because.I.am.a.geek...but not enough of a geek to get everything fixed myself.) I just know I won't have time to address anything like that come the fall. I have been getting other things done too - you know, things that might actually benefit a real live baby! Cleaning, moving things, throwing things out like crazy, getting the room ready to paint.... um.... but...I still need to get nursery furniture!!! I do have bedding, blankets, rattles, lamps and some other things, but none of the important stuff!

Will I be able to do this?!
As I mentioned briefly in an earlier post, I recently became an aunt - my SIL had her baby. She and the baby are doing just fine, (the baby is just so cute!!) but I am seeing first hand how you really just don't get any sleep once the baby arrives - and my SIL is used to a stressful schedule and a lack of sleep - she worked as a trauma nurse for 10 years! I always knew that newborn babies were hard work, but....wow. I didn't know breastfeeding could be so difficult?! I did read (thank goodness) Nancy's 'What I wish I knew' document (which I can't find the link for now) about being a new mom, and my SIL is going through many of the exact same things, so I e-mailed her the document. Now I sit here and think 'Holy sh*t ... and here I thought I understood how hard it was to care for a newborn - I had no idea! Ack!!'
ACK!

28w3d. Think anyone at work would notice if I slipped out and went baby furniture shopping?!

Failed With Flying Colors.

2008-07-26T15:12:00.003-04:00

Pour some sugar on me, baby! I guess if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it full-force. I didn’t fail my glucose screening by just a point or two – I failed it by a full 32 points. Go me!! My Dr.’s cutoff is 129 – I checked in at 161. I know some doctors have a 139 cutoff, but I still would have failed miserably. Lovely – I may as well have eaten a nice big breakfast (or a candy bar?!) before the test instead of being hungry on Thursday. Now I get to go next week for the wonderful 3-hour test. Blah.

The test was your standard glucose screening test. I went in and drank some very sweet liquid that tasted like flat Sprite with four times the sugar, then I waited an hour and had my blood drawn. The time went by quickly since I had my regular appointment scheduled for the same day, so part of the hour was taken up by that. The appointment itself was brief and uneventful. I am now supposed to start counting and recording how many kicks I get in a 3 hour period each day - I am supposed to count at least 10. I think I counted 10 just waiting to have my blood drawn, probably because Butters was hungry, then got nothing but a rush of sugar and was like "What the hell mom!? What are you doing to me in here?!" Well, get ready Butters... it's going to happen all over again next week! My next OB appointment is on August 21, and I get another ultrasound! Yay!

Back to complaining.....I know, I know…. the screening often yields false positives, but to have a reading of 161 after not eating all day? I did eat normally up through the night before the test, since I did read that limiting carbs in the days before the screening can actually cause your blood sugar to go up. With a number that high, I am concerned that I do indeed have gestational diabetes (GD).

Of course now I’m going to start bitching, even though I really shouldn't complain - after all, I am actually 'p'. So far, I haven't had (knock on wood) any problems.... and again, the fact that I am actually 'p' makes me feel like I shouldn't complain about anything. I know how many people would do anything to be in my position right now. So while I am still going to complain.... I never forget how lucky I am.

Stop reading now if you don’t want to hear my hormonal griping! I am a very healthy eater, if I do say so myself. I eat a lot of fresh salads, grilled chicken and fish and fruit, and I rarely eat anything fried. I still exercise regularly, and there is no family history of diabetes, gestational or otherwise. From what I have been reading, the treatment for GD is to cut out sweets and to exercise. I don't know what other exercise they would have me do, since I still lift weights (have modified my routine of course) and do cardio. I guess then even the treats I've been allowing myself will now be out of the question if I fail the 'big' test. I will admit that my eating habits are not quite as good as they were before I was pregnant… I do allow myself to eat more sweet stuff than I normally would, (ice cream! Yum!) and I do have a weakness for bagels. However, I know I am not ‘eating for two’ and I am still careful, since gaining too much is bad for the baby, and I know how easily I gain weight. DH thinks I am too worried and says I am actually more careful about what I eat than most pregnant women.

(Long "weight rant" removed here)

So of course, I’m not happy about the possibility of having GD, (Butters, I hope I'm not inadvertently pumping too much sugar into you!) and now I wonder if maybe I really not eating right, or am gaining too much weight…. though I just can’t really believe that I have gained too much. (11 pounds since my checkup at 9 weeks) Yes, I know you can be a healthy eater and still get GD, but it still pisses me off, and I feel like going and eating a nice big bowl of ice cream right now...wait, if I'm not processing sugar right, that would be a bad idea. Can't have a beer (well, duh!) so I think I'll go guzzle an O'douls. Hopefully this was just a false positive and my biggest gripe at the end of the day will be that I had to do the 3-hour test for nothing. My test is scheduled for July 31 at 8am, and should be a breeze, since I went until 3pm without food for the first test. I just know I'll get ancy, sitting around for 3 hours, plus that’s just time I have to make up at work.

I know my hormones must be a little wacky, (thus all the above whining) because things that normally would not have brought me to tears have done so in the past few days. I was tearing up after getting the "You failed your sugar test!” call. I mean, come on... tears? Even though I knew it was irrational, I still then called my mom and cried about it, then I called DH and cried! Then of course I wrote this big, whiny post! This past weekend, I was having crying fits over computers I was trying to fix (part of my nesting has included fixing/updating some of my multiple computers, because we all know you can’t bring a newborn into a house without a perfect, multi-computer network set up!) Tears over computers? This better be a hormone thing because these are certainly not things to weep over. I think I'll have to play the 'p' card on this one - it's the hormones!

I Will Update!

2008-07-24T08:33:00.005-04:00

The Bad Blogger has returned! No posting, barely reading any blogs - I go in cycles don't I? In case anyone still stops by here (I probably wouldn't, the way I've been posting) - everything is fine, I have my glucose screening at 2pm. They said I didn't have to fast but I am trying to anyway - I really don't want to fail and have to take the 3 hour test. So I'm sitting at work, hungry. Blah.

I do have lots to post about - the belly shots (didn't forget, though they are a few weeks old now. Must get a current one - I'm huge now, 27w5d!), I became an aunt last week, and other general stuff.

I also must catch up with everyone. I'm sure I've missed quite a bit.

Now the big question is - will I come back and actually write a real post today or tomorrow?!

Belly and Boobs

2008-06-27T09:13:00.004-04:00

FYI: This post is all 'p' updates.

I rented a doppler, which arrived on Thursday. I was originally going to order one back around week 12, then decided not to, for fear that I would drive myself nuts. Last week I decided to go ahead and get one - I still have little fears of something going wrong in the back of my mind, and they sort of resurfaced last Friday, so after reading Nancy's post about her doppler, I impulsively went ahead and rented the same one. I think I'll enjoy checking in on Butters, especially if I wind up feeling kicks and then don't for a while... I can always reassure myself with the doppler. Silly perhaps, (the infertile never truly relax) but worth it for 85 cents a day. We were able to find the HB (about 133bpm) with no problem. So far I always find it to the right of my soon-to-be-protruding belly button.

Symptoms: Leg cramps! I often wake up in the night with a leg cramp, which can usually be alleviated by just stretching out my calf and foot. One time I did actually have to get up and walk around to get rid of it, and just last evening, I woke up and the cramp was in my shin! Never had a muscle cramp in my shin before... it was actually more painful than a regular calf/foot cramp, but it didn't last long. I didn't realize that this was a common occurence until I looked up 'leg cramps' and 'pregnancy.'

I have also been congested for many weeks now, and have just gotten used to the constant stuffy nose. My SIL said she had the same thing happen and it eventually started to ease up, so we'll see. I also have a slight ringing in my left ear which comes and goes... I wonder if it's related to the congestion?

Movement: I still feel little belly 'pulses', but they're still pretty random, and have increased in intensity just a bit, even though I think my belly grew more in the past week than ever before! My MIL stopped by this past weekend, and said "Wow!! You've really grown in the last week!" The funny thing is, when I was out on Saturday, my friend mentioned that I really didn't have a belly yet. It must have just been the shirt I was wearing because I absolutely have a beach ball in my middle now. :-)

Warning! If you don't want to hear about my boobs, stop reading now! I like my expanding belly - the boobs are another story. They have started to expand again too (no no no! stop!!!) Prior to fertility treatments, I was a 32.D.... and was a VERY full 34.D (meaning that many 34.Ds were still too small ... actually, more like a 32.DD, but try and find that size easily) by the middle of the first trimester. Anyway, I was sitting at work yesterday, literally jammed into a 34.D minimizer, with stuff peeking out the bottom and sides - you couldn't tell in my clothes, but it was pretty ridiculous... so at lunch I went to the Kh.ols and bought two 34.DD (arrrghhh) bras. Luckily, Kh.ols carries one of my favorite types - Ba.li Minimizers - on sale too!

Belly shots: Ok, I'm a big fat liar - no pictures are included with this post, as I had promised. I have them but, I decided to create a page where I will update with all of the various pictures, and link to that. I just haven't finished doing that yet. I'm including a 'before fertility treatments' picture too.

Today I'm 23w6d... I'll just say 24 weeks. 24 weeks is another one of my little milestones, since that's when the baby is considered viable... not that I am expecting to go into labor anytime soon (not for another 14-16 weeks please!) but it's just another one of those little things I've been thinking about.

This time last year....

2008-06-23T10:45:00.007-04:00

It's strange what little things will remind you of infertility. A few minor things - like a t-shirt - from the past few days really reminded me of this time last year, when I first started seeing my RE. Last July, DH and I went to see a one of his favorite singer songwriters perform, and one of his songs contains the line, "My drinking days are over... but I'm still trouble bound." I purchased a t-shirt at the show that has the words "My drinking days are over.." on the front with a picture of a beer mug and on the back, the words "but I'm still trouble bound" with a tipped over beer mug. I joked to DH that this shirt would be funny to wear when I was pregnant later that summer. (hahahahaha! I was still so naive!) I didn't buy it specifically to wear when pregnant, but it was in the back of my mind, so I never wore the shirt because every time I looked at it, it would just remind me that I wasn't 'p' and I would get pissed off. The same performer was in the area last Thursday, and we went to see him again, and I finally wore my shirt. I know that seems pretty insignificant, but it was more symbolic than anything. I couldn't help but think back to the concert last year, when I was still somewhat hopeful that I would soon become pregnant, but still angry that I wasn't having any luck. Needless to say, I enjoyed the performance much more this time around.

On Saturday, DH and I went to see a concert in At.lantic C.ity with another couple. This performer usually plays a free outdoor concert three times a summer, (and we usually go all three times!) and we went to see him this very same weekend last summer...with the very same couple. That weekend last summer was the end of my first 'big' 2ww (first IUI) I was 12dpo and even though I had already POAS and had seen one of what would be many BFNs, I wasn't drinking because I could still be 'p', even though I was pretty sure I wasn't. Ok - I know this sounds like I'm some sort of alcoholic, between this and the 'Drinking days are over' shirt ;-) ... anyway, not having anything to drink wasn't a problem, it's just that I was already preoccupied with the 'first big 2ww' and it just was a reminder all evening, especially when my female friend asked if I wasn't drinking anything because I was 'p'. She had no idea that we were undergoing treatments, so I don't blame her for asking. I just said no, I wasn't. The next day I started spotting, as I eventually found out would always happen at 13dpo, even when taking progester.one. So there we all were, the same people at the same concert, one year later... I again kept telling DH how much happier I was than last year! As I stood there, I kept thinking back to last June's concert, (it was odd how vivid it was in my mind) and how damned lucky I am to be where I am right now. (23w2d)

I'll have some 'p' updates (and pics) in my next post.

No. No. NO!!

2008-06-20T11:49:00.004-04:00

My heart goes out to Rebeccah who has received horrible news. Please stop by and offer your support.

And people wonder why we can't relax, even after seeing a heartbeat....

Whoops!

2008-06-17T11:34:00.003-04:00

Ack! I did it again! I've gotten away from my blog and am totally behind in reading other blogs! It's catch up time. I'm not sure what happened - the days just seem to be flying by and suddenly, I realize it's been almost two weeks since I have posted and have barely read any other blogs.

Everything is fine here - we had my SIL's "big fat baby shower" this weekend - about 80 people! She's due 14 weeks before me so she's almost ready to go! For the record, I have already made it clear to everyone that I do not want a shower - period. There are a variety of reasons for this, and it isn't because I think a shower will 'jinx' anything - I didn't want a bridal shower either. I hope to post more details on this stuff later (plus I need to respond to my tagging!) but for now, I need/want to catch up on some blog reading!

The BIG Ultrasound

2008-06-06T13:18:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I didn't get back to the office until 10am, which was later than expected, and had a one-on-one meeting with our program manager (!) shortly after I arrived. Now I'm nervous because I think I am going to be responsible for heading up a lot more automated script writing which involves a lot of programming that... well, let's just say I'm not a programmer! Ack! Then I had a short meeting with my direct manager (yes, I actually do work - since I often post during the day, it may seem like I don't do anything) So anyway....

In a nutshell: It's a healthy.................................

baby!!! Everything is 'perfect', according to the doctor!!

The ultrasound tech first showed me the u/s screen, then started taking measurements and had to turn the screen away, so DH got to watch Butters in detail and I couldn't see for a while! (wah!) I knew the tech couldn't say much to me but I did ask if everything was looking ok and she said yes. After a while, when she was done taking all the measurements and such, she turned the screen back so I could see. Butters was being a little uncooperative with his/her head tucked down so the tech was having trouble getting a face view. We could see the spine perfectly - hands, legs, feet, but Butters wasn't eager to show us his/her full face. The tech did try to get a good 3-D image but it wasn't coming out well because of the position. She tried and tried for quite a while, hoping to get us a better shot, but couldn't, which was ok - I was just happy that everything seemed fine! I knew I wouldn't get the 'official' word until I spoke with the doctor, but I figured the tech wouldn't have spent so much time fiddling around with pictures if there was a problem.

So after the u/s was done, we just waited to speak to the doctor. She came in and said, "Well, everything looks fine - just perfect!" What wonderful words! Butters is 13 ounces and measuring on target, just shy of 21 weeks. She measured my belly, and said my uterus was right on target too. Is this really possible? Everything is just normal?! *huge sigh of relief* And that was it!

I forgot to mention that when we first got there, I told the tech we didn't want to know the gender yet, but could she note it in my file? She hesitated and said that if we didn't want to know she usually then did not enter it into the information she was collecting. I said, "Then this would be the only time we would be able to find out, since I probably won't have another ultrasound?" and looked at DH with big puppy dog eyes, like, "pllleeeaaseee can we find out?" There was another assistant in the room who said I would have one at 32 weeks (cool!) but that sometimes it's hard to tell at that point. DH looked at me with HIS big puppy dog eyes and said "Well... we really did say we would wait...maybe we can still find out at 32 weeks?" So, being the wonderful wife that I am, (ha ha) I told the tech not to tell us, since honestly, I know it means more to DH to NOT find out (I still don't get it, but whatever...) than it means for me to find out. I would like to know but if I don't, it isn't that big of a deal. Trust me, if I felt like I couldn't stand not knowing, I would have put my big size 9.5 foot down and found out. I just told DH that he would be responsible for running out and buying pink or blue stuff at the last minute!

Now it's time to go back to work here. Finally, another step completed towards achieving a RLB (real live baby) Keeping going Butters, keep going!

Tomorrow's Ultrasound

2008-06-05T13:28:00.007-04:00

I don't have much to say because I'm just preoccupied, thinking about tomorrow's u/s.

Most people would just be excited, which I am, but I am also nervous. I just hope everything is fine. I have no reason to believe otherwise ... but I know about the tragic conditions that can be discovered during this particular ultrasound. I of course, do not vocalize these thoughts to people IRL, except to say to DH that I am nervous and hope everything is fine. If I mentioned how I felt to anyone, I would probably just be told that I'm too pessimistic, that I need to stop being so negative, blah blah blah. It's not that I'm walking around, worrying 24-7 or anything like that, but these thoughts are still in my mind.

Maybe I just can't believe that I could actually have a normal, uneventful pregnancy?Again, if I mentioned this to people IRL, they would think I was nuts, since I have no reason to think that I wouldn't have a 'regular' pregnancy. Of course, I had no reason to think that I wold have trouble getting pregnant in the first place either...

I also feel guilty because I'm somewhat preoccupied with my weight, which is something I shouldn't be concerned with at the moment, considering the importance of thomorrow's ultrasound. (I think I've gained about 4 or 5 pounds in the last 3.5 weeks - not good - especially since I have increased my exercise - gotta love that.)

However, I am still excited about tomorrow. I'm sure I'll drive the tech crazy, asking if everything looks ok every 20 seconds. 'How is everything? Everything look normal? Do you see any problems? Is everything fine?!' We won't be finding out Butter's gender tomorrow (even though I would love to) because I agreed to wait at least until my SIL delivers in mid-July as a compromise, since DH does not want to know ahead of time. Maybe the u/s tech will slip up and mention the gender... hee hee.

I'll update again after my appointment tomorrow morning.

Was that an elbow or a foot?

2008-06-03T14:12:00.002-04:00

FYI: This short post is about 'p' stuff.

Guess what I think I felt last night? I believe Butters was kicking or elbowing me... or something.

I was sitting on the couch a couple of hours after dinner. I just had some decaf coffee, and I felt something below my belly button. You know how sometimes you can feel your heartbeat in other places in your body? I know that sounds weird... but that's sort of what it felt like - like a heartbeat in my belly. Just one, then another, then it stopped. I thought it was gas or digestion, but then realized I had not felt that particular sensation before, so I lay back, pulled up my shirt, put the TV remote on my stomach right below my belly button, (an idea I got from The Sarcastic Journalist at baby-gaga.com) and waited. I then felt the same sensation again and when I did, the remote bounced!!

It happened a few times, so I yelled to DH to come over. The movement of course stopped as soon as DH arrived (c'mon Butters... don't be shy...show off for Daddy!) After DH walked away it happened one or two more times, (of course!) then I didn't feel it again.

So, I either have an incredibly active digestive system, or I think I finally felt my first movement. It didn't feel like "butterflies" at all, it was more like a pulse. Pretty cool. Haven't had any such sensations since then, but I realize I won't feel things on a regular basis since it is still early. (I'm 20w3d today) Of course, I'm going to try and repeat the same steps this evening for fun....eat dinner, wait a bit, have some coffee, sit on the couch, and hope I get to feel the 'belly pulse' again.

Less than 72 hours until my ultrasound, though I'm not counting hours or anything. (yeah, right!)

To Find Out...or Not?

2008-05-29T14:20:00.002-04:00

FYI: This is post pretty much all about 'p' stuff.

A week from tomorrow, I go in for my BIG ultrasound, where I will hopefully find out that Butters is perfectly healthy and isn't missing any important parts! I just received my AFP results yesterday, and everything was 'negative.' (yay!) My Dr's office left a message on my machine, so I don't have any further details. Anyhoo, I won't be finding out at next week's appointment whether Butters is a boy or a girl because I made a deal with DH.

I have always wanted to find out ahead of time what we were having - even before I was 'p'. DH has always wanted to wait until the delivery date, and neither of us has been able to change each other's minds. He wants to be 'surprised'.... well so do I, I just want my surprise earlier! It's still a surprise, no matter when you find out, plus you can plan ahead a little. My acupuncturist tried to tell me how great it was to wait... how people had to wait until the delivery date before there was all this medical technology, and this technology just ruins the excitement, the suspense when the baby is being born and you first see the head, etc (he has a daughter). I of course pointed out to him that without medical technology, I wouldn't even be in this situation! Plus, I just don't buy into all the romanticism that he was putting on the birth process - I'll probably be sweaty, impatient and just wanting Butters out of me - either that or my body won't cooperate and I'll wind up needing a c-section and all the glory of the vaginal birth will be gone out the window anyway.

Can you tell that I'm a little stubborn?! Anyway, for all of you out there who think waiting to find out the baby's gender until the delivery date is the way to go - that's great. I admire your patience! It's just not for me.

So anyway, DH has been unable to convince me that I should wait until October to find out Butters' gender, (and I have to add... as negative as it may sound.... assuming everything works out... I can't help but always think that...) and I haven't been able to convince him that I am, of course right. *wink* So why am I not finding out at next week's ultrasound? After all, the pregnant woman should get her way, right?!

DH asked that, as a temporary compromise, we at least don't find out until my SIL delivers in mid-July. She is not finding out her baby's gender until then, and since she is having the first grandchild (DH has only one sibling) he thinks we shouldn't butt in ahead of her and announce what we are having before she does. I am totally fine with that, so I agreed. DH hopes that by that point, I'll decide to wait... I guess that could happen, though I'm thinking that I'll be tackling the Dr. at the next appointment and wanting to know. A friend suggested that we ask that they write down the gender next week and give it to us in a sealed envelope. I kind of like the sealed envelope idea... then I can steam it open in private and peek! (just kidding!)

I guess after knowing all the intimate details from day one - from my follicle sizes, to the picutre of Butters as a blastocyst, to the early ultrasounds - it's natural to then want to find out the gender. Or perhaps I'm just impatient? Now how do I brainwash DH into agreeing with me? ;-)

Finally Three Out of Four

2008-05-27T16:46:00.002-04:00

This past Saturday, DH and I were at a friend's house where, including DH and me, there were four males and four females present - three of the females were pregnant. (suprisingly, none of the men were knocked up) My self-absorbed self couldn't help but think, "Thank God I'm finally one of the three out of four!" I know I would have been a lot less comfortable, to say the least, had I not been 'p'. Actually, I would have been sort-of ok until the unexpected very pregnant guest arrived.

Here's the situation - DH and I went to our friends' house for dinner. We've been close friends with this couple for a while - they have a toddler and they're due with their second child just 5 weeks before me. (pretty cool - if things work out - trying not to jinx anything - our kids will be the same age) I know I would have felt that pang of infertility jealousy if I wasn't 'p' but I'm pretty sure I would have been ok. Their neighbors were also over with their two young children. (conceived easily - I know this because our friends told us) Again, it would not have been the best situation for a non-pregnant infertile, but I had met them before and knew they were going to be there, so I would have been been prepared. Of course, deep down I'm still thinking 'Sigh... they both got pregnant easily...must be nice' but obviously, my current situation squelched those feelings. Anyway, since I would have prepared ahead of time, a non-'p' me would have been ok.. until the neighbor's 8-month pregnant sister showed up. She originally wasn't going to be there, so when she walked through the door, all I could think was how much I would probably be silently freaking if I was sitting there without Butters in me. I'm not sure exactly what I would have done - probably held everything in, drank more beer (because trust me, at that point I would definitely have some alcohol in me) and then cry after I left.

Will there be a day when I don't think 'This is probably how I would feel if I wasn't....'? Probably not.

My Protective Bubble

2008-05-21T11:32:00.004-04:00

Meghan's recent post reminded me that I have, so far, been spared from stupid/insensitive pregnancy/infertility comments. DH and I didn't get a lot of annoying, needling questions or comments from those who knew we were undergoing treatments, and didn't hear 'So when are YOU having kids?' a lot from those who didn't. Some friends did ask casually here and there if kids were in our future, at which point we would just say 'yeah, we're trying' and once in a while, if they were close friends, we told them a little about our treatments. After that, they either didn't ask again or were just sympathetic. I have a friend who would jokingly ask me 'So, you knocked up yet?!' right after I got married, before I had any idea that my reproductive organs wanted to play a big joke on me. The last time she asked me this was in late spring 2007. I just said casually "oh, we're trying" and that was the last time she ever said that to me. It's almost as if I sent out some vibe that just let people know to keep their mouth shut. Maybe I didn't sound as 'casual' as I thought.

Perhaps I had some anti-moronic-infertility-comment bubble around me or something. Or maybe I was wearing this shirt and didn't realize it. The bubble was a good thing, because there were plenty of times when my hormone-pumped self probably wouldn't have reacted appropriately. (I guess there was the sponge comment, but that wasn't too bad) Now that I've essentially bragged about how lucky I am, I'm sure I'll be an idiotic comment magnet.

I often wonder if I've said stupid things in years past to people who trying to become pregnant, and didn't even realize it. I bet I did, though I can't think of anything specifically. I do remember hearing two co-workers talking - it must have been at least five or six years ago - about how they just did NOT understand people who had to 'try' to get pregnant. (I wasn't eavesdropping, they were talking almost right next to me) Both of these people - one male and one female - were, let's just say, quite fertile. I remember thinking to myself that not everyone was a baby-making machine, and didn't understand why they thought it was weird that not everyone got pregnant every single time they had unprotected sex - and that was then I thought that I myself might one day get pregnant from actual sex. (ha ha ha!)

If you have been the victim of stupid infertility/pregnancy comments, feel free to share them. Wait, no, do not share them, because I don't want any comments.

Anyway, I hope my bubble continues to stay in tact. As you can probably tell, I have nothing very interesting to report today. I would like to say I feel some kind of movement, but I think it's just gas. Actually, I'm sure it's just gas, or my stomach digesting the two bagels I scarfed down this morning (not my fault! there were free, fresh bagels in the conference room! how could I resist?)

18w4d. Only 16 days until my u/s... not that I'm counting or anything.

18w2d (because I can't think of a title)

2008-05-19T14:38:00.007-04:00

Another 'no-no'.
Oh come on! I can't freaking do anything! No alcohol, coffee, sushi... or cell phone?

Warning: Using a mobile phone while pregnant can seriously damage your baby

I know, I know, the study could be jumping to conclusions too quickly, and next year a study could come out that totally contradicts this one... but I'm going to try and cut my cell phone use, just in case. If I won't take a sip of alcohol (and yes, I know you can probably have a little here and there without causing a problem), if I won't take asprin for a pounding headache, I'm certainly not taking any chances by gabbing on my dumb cell phone. Watch, they'll be a study next year showing how cell phone usage makes babies smart - you just wait!

The 'p' update.
So, am I back in the first trimester today or something? I actually had a slight bit of nausea this morning - very minor, but it was still there. Plus, I was dragging all yesterday (though I was out until 2:30am Sat night), fell asleep early last night and just did not want to get out of bed this morning! I still feel like going back to sleep. My very tight pants are reminding me though, that I am indeed at 18w2d. I think I 'popped' in the past few days, and yes, there will be more pictures.
I went out on Saturday to see a local band and ran into a couple of people I had not seen in a while...there was no hiding my belly (I would have had to wear a sweatshirt for that) but no one said anything... probably because they were trying to figure out if I was 'p' or just getting chunky! (btw, is it creepy that I wore a black shirt with a skull on the front? DH thought it was hilarious) I still look more chunky than 'p', and I know people at work are going to start wondering - but will be afraid to ask! Heh heh. I'm letting them all wonder for a little longer.

So you wanted to know about my job? Not really? I'm telling you anyway!
I realize in most job situations, it would be a bad idea to not mention anything to your boss by this point, since they'll want to plan who will take over certain duties, etc. However, this isn't exactly the case here. I'm a contractor, and do not have any maternity leave/vacation pay, which works fine for me since my hourly rate makes up for that. However, I also don't have guaranteed long-term employment. It all has to do with funding for the particular project I work on, which I won't get into. Last year, they had to let me (and others) go from October through December. This actually worked well for me, because my home business gets very busy during those months. They then called me back at the beginning of January (since they just love me) for six weeks... which then got extended through April... and now I am on a month to month basis. I actually don't mind this type of situation though. It's the type of job where they will most likely have work for me, maybe just not year-round, which is fine because I never planned to work full-time with a child (thus the home business, though that wound up not providing the income I had hoped for, which is why it's now only a small side business) I'm hoping that I can work something like 20 hours a week perhaps, since they are very flexible with contractors, especially those with children (still hard for me t think of myself actually having a child!) but we'll see. And yep, I am at work right now and am waiting for something because I can't start my next test write-up until I have this particular information. (tapping fingers...)

Oh, and all of you who commented when I told you not too - you are in soooo much trouble! *wink*

You're Not Supposed To Read This.

2008-05-16T11:14:00.009-04:00

I first just have to mention Nancy - congratulations! I'm sure most people already know about her blog, but if you don't... she 's proof that BFPs can indeed not show up until 11dp3dt! (which would be approximately 9dp5dt) Of course, I don't think anyone who sees a stark white area where they hope to see a second line, or worse, the awful 'NOT PREGNANT' message that some tests scream, wants to hear 'Oooh - there is still hope!' I know that wouldn't have helped me at 8dp5dt when I am sure I would have seen a BFN, had I had the balls to actually POAS that day. (My beta was not very high at 9dp5dt and I was spotting!)

Anyway... ummm...I guess I have very shy visitors? I mean really people, three whole comments from my last post? Phhhht! Oh well, I really had hoped to find out a little more about my readers, and see if there were silent lurkers out there. Thanks to those who did comment.

Essentially begging for comments probably is a bad idea anyway. Besides - I don't want comments. I hate blog comments. Please do not post comments here, ever! In fact, make sure you do not read this blog! Are you still reading this? I just told you not to!

So anyway, reading Dr. Grumbles recent entry regarding the shirts she would like to purchase reminded me of the shirts that happen to be on their way to me right now from Caf.e Pre.ss. I purchased this one for now and this one for when I'm bigger... assuming things continue to go along according to plan. Yes, I do still have concerns about things suddenly taking a turn for the worse. I do not really vocalize such thoughts to people IRL, because most would think I was a complete idiot, but I think those in the IF world will understand. Anyway, I plan to wear the 'Designated Driver' one next Friday when I go to the annual 'Ke.gs and Eg.gs' celebration with DH at a bar down by the shore. (I only live an hour from the beach) This will be the fifth year there - I even took off work! Basically, you get there at 10am, eat, drink beer (Nothing like beer before noon! And no, of course I will not be drinking beer this year!), and listen to bands to kick off Memorial Day weekend. Local radio stations broadcast from the event, there are giveaways, etc. Lots of people there tend to wear shirts with funny/smart ass comments on them, so I thought the Designated Driver one was appropriate! I also bought a shirt for DH to wear. Heh heh.

My enormous number of commentors did say that they would like to see more posts about my preg... my pregggg... me being 'p'. Well, all three of you are going to be just so happy that you made that request after reading this! I have had an annoying cough for the past 3 weeks. I feel fine, as I believe it is just allergy related, (just a lot of mucous) but I am doing a lot of coughing... which means I have to be verrrry careful. See, umm, if my preg-bladder has just a teensy weensy amount of liquid in it... and I cough too hard... guess what happens? Little leaks. Yes, I know... eeeww!!! No, I do not need Depends, I just need to hold back my urge to cough if I haven't peed in the past 10 seconds. Sometimes when I have to cough up a nice, big gob of something (grossed out yet?) I actually get up to go to the bathroom to cough because I know there's bound to be a leak. It's lots of fun.... so fun that perhaps I should get this shirt. Seriously, would anyone wear that? Wait, don't answer that, because I hate comments. And why are you still reading?

There is a ton of stuff that needs to get done at our house before October... and I have the urge to throw out all of my furniture because apparently, the 'nesting' instinct is synonymous with suddenly hating everything in your house. Little things that never bothered me before are driving me nuts. I obviously didn't want to start 'preparing' too early, because that would of course just jinx everything, but I don't want to be scrambling in September, stressing because my computers are still set up smack in the middle of what is supposed to be a nursery. I do actually have a ton of baby stuff already though - crib set bottles, blankets, shirts, wall decorations - lots of stuff. I've had them for a while...some before I was even seeing my RE. The presense of these don't count towards any type of 'jinxing' because they're different. I realize what I just said makes no sense - and it isn't supposed to. I'll explain it in my next post, because this one is getting too long. Plus, I want to make sure there's a reason for people to not come back here.

Hey Readers! (or how to rip off an idea from another Blogger)

2008-05-15T08:57:00.005-04:00

I am so totally ripping off this idea from Duck's post.

I'm curious about my readers, though I only recently bothered to install a stat counter on my blog. I figured only about 10 people read this thing, but the counter shows quite a bit more than that! Of course, many people find this blog through old posts by searching for 7dpIUI symptoms and such, and probably don't stay very long. Someone just found me by searching for 'gonal don't feel eggs.' Don't feel eggs? That cracked me up but I gather the person is doing injectibles and thought she would feel more ovarian activity. Anyway, dear readers... who are you?

Do you think my blog sucks, or do you think it's awesome? You can be honest - you won't hurt my feelings. Years of on-line debating has provided me with very thick skin.

Do you find my posts witty, stupid, or somewhere in between?

You probably don't know me in real life.... but if you do, let me know. Then tell me how the hell you found me! (Hi Mike)

Are you reading from work or home?

Are you infertile, super-fertile, or somewhere in between?

How long have you been reading this blog?

Are you from the U.S. or somewhere else?

What would you like to see me post about more, or don't you care?

How long have you been on the Internet? Have you been using the Internet long enough to remember Lynx?

Today I am 17w5d. (am mentioning that mostly for search engine purposes) I feel bloated today (I know you all want to know this!) because I learned, once again, that no matter how hungry I am, if I eat too much at one time it all just seems to sit like a brick on my belly! Hey, speaking of search engines...who remembers when there was no Google?

The Belly!

2008-05-13T04:52:00.023-04:00

FYI: This post contains 'p' related stuff, belly pictures, and stuff about weight. I will also preface this by saying that I know how INCREDIBLY lucky I am to be in the situation I am in right now!! Trust me; I am thankful every single day. My struggle with infertility has been easy compared to what so many others have had to go through.

I had my monthly OB appointment this morning. I had blood taken for my AFP test and heard the awesome little heartbeat. My next appointment is the one with the BIG ultrasound (finally!) where hopefully, everything will check out ok.

Now for the belly pictures. Here I am in all my glory.

It's pretty neat that I managed to get a beer gut without having a sip of beer! Of course, I hoped to have one of those cute bumps in the lower belly - instead it looks like Butters is sitting right below my chest. My Butters belly can still be hidden in the right clothing. I have many years of experience in 'strategic dressing' because there have been times in my life where my boobs and gut have been bigger than they are now. Now, am I complaining about my Butters gut? NO! One may also wonder why I would even try to dress in a way to hide my belly. This is hard to explain and may sound extremely shallow without me getting into my whole 'weight history'.

I am actually eager to really show, but during this little in-between stage, I don’t appear ‘p’, just bigger, so I still dress in a way to hide weight gain. This, I realize, is very insane and again may sound extremely self-absorbed, selfish and vain. I should just shut up unless I just explain myself fully. Maybe I can provide a couple of factoids to help explain this for the time being. Let me first say that I would rather gain 80 pounds and be ‘p’ than to NOT be ‘p’.

(If you have never had weight issues, the following information may seem weird and rather boring.)

I gain weight easily. I once gained 40 pounds in one year, after losing 20. (yeah, that was really smart!) I have never been obese, but have struggled with my weight since I was young. I was teased about it, especially because some of my weight went to my chest. I am a lifetime member of We.ight Wa.tchers. I workout on a regular basis (weights and cardio) and my body still doesn't seem to want to use up more calories, even with increased muscle mass. If there was a famine, I would be a survivor because my body is wonderfully efficient at storing fat.

If someone told me last year I would be posting my weight on the Internet, as well as pictures of my bare middle, I would have told the person to please go seek psychiatric help immediately. Now look at me...

I am 5'4", and at my 13 week appointment, I weighed 143, which was also my weight at 9 weeks. That wouldn’t be too bad, except that when I started fertility treatments last June, I weighed 125, after working hard to take off a little winter weight. Fertility drugs did a number on my weight (I know it fluctuated based on how my clothing would fit - especially my bras) so I stopped getting weighed. I didn't want the additional stress, and doing whatever I had to do to try and become pregnant was far more important than a number on a scale.

I did get weighed at my RE's office at around 5 weeks but refused to look at the scale. I think I may have weighed somewhere in the mid 130's (again, based on how clothes fit). After that, all my clothes got tighter and my chest grew a whole size (arrggh!) almost immediately! Seriously, it was like as soon as I received a positive beta, my body went 'Hey! Pregnancy! Woo hoo! Time to expand!' Plus, my RE wanted me to stay out of the gym for the first few weeks as a precaution, plus I had ZERO energy... and I was hungrier, and had very little nausea. This all adds up to some nice, quick weight gain.

I was a bit concerned (who am I kidding – I was very concerned!) that I would keep gaining at the same rate, which wouldn’t be healthy. Plus, silly me kept Googling things like ‘weight gain 8 weeks pregnancy’ and found all sorts of posts about people losing weight in the first trimester! BAH!! I feel a lot better now, because luckily, it seems like my body has decided to take a momentary break from extreme fat storage, (that sounds like a reality show - EXtreme Fat Storage!) because I weighed 144 at today’s appointment (17w3d). So now I can eat all I want!! ;-) (kidding - I wish!)

So, for anyone who feels like they have ballooned after the first positive pregnancy test - you're not alone! And for all of you who lost weight - go away! (just kidding) So there you have it - me and my weight. Sooo, I can say I've gained one pound in the past eight weeks, or that I am 19 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy (and pre-fertility meds) weight. Guess which one I think sounds a little nicer?!

I may have some issues, but remember, if I had to gain 100 pounds for my little Butters, I would. So, I do realize that this post may have sounded selfish and vain - I hope it doesn't, but I am prepared for such comments.

Talk about Unfair...

2008-05-12T08:53:00.001-04:00

I am hoping for a miracle for Cam. Look at what she has been through. I mean, come ON. I know it's a long shot, but I really hope her beta results show that the evil pee stick was wrong.

Look! A Post!

2008-05-09T10:49:00.011-04:00

First.....awesome news! Congratulations to Denise.. and Rebeccah... and Dr. Grumbles!

It's funny, but I just don't seem to be 'into' your standard pregnancy blogs and such. I am still more interested in reading infertility blogs, or 'p' updates from those who have had fertility issues. I don't seek out new IF blogs to read, but am much more interested in keeping up with the ones I have been following than seeking out pregnancy message boards and such. The only time I read your standard 'p' boards (I never post) is if I am looking up something and come across one in my search results. I'm not quite sure why, but I just don't connect with them. Again, I am very interested in reading the 'p' updates from IF blogs, so it's not that I don't want to read about other people's pregnancy experiences.

Maybe I would be the same way even if I wasn't infertile. Even in the early days, when I was merely charting my temps and keeping nice little graphs (I still have them), and plugging terms like 'symptoms 8dpo' into search engines (before I had to take progesterone which causes lovely early pregnancy symptoms, when you're not pregnant!) I could never get into all the 'baby dust' and such. I don't know, maybe if I had gotten knocked up the old-fashioned way, I'd be sprinkling baby dust all over the Internet, but I don't think so.

I really want to update this blog a lot more. (now that was a smooth transition, wasn't it?) No, really, I do. I compose posts in my head but for some reason have not been actually writing them down. I wonder sometimes if I am holding back because I am afraid I may get too involved in the whole blog thing. I say this because years ago, (here's where you actually get to know a little more about me!) I was VERY involved in writing commentary for web sites, including my own. It had nothing to do with infertility (I wasn't even dating DH yet) but instead revolved around... issues. Things that generated lots of 'You're awesome!' or 'I want you to DIE!' e-mails. I even got to be a commentator a few times on TV (you know, the kind where they have three or four people featured who get asked a few questions about certain issues). That was... wow, over 10 years ago! You'd never know by this bland blog, would you?! I haven't been involved in commentary writing for quite a while now - I just got burned out and became involved in other things. Anyway, if I do update more, it will probably still be the same, bland posts. I don't seek to make this place an area of heated debate ;-)

FYI: 'P' updates below.

Sooo... today I am 16w6d. (I'll just say 17 weeks!) No, I have not felt movement, and I don't expect to for quite a few weeks, since this is my first. I feel pretty good. Once in a while I will get a killer headache (had one last Saturday) and Ty.lenol dulls it only a tad. Years ago, I used to get headaches on a regular basis, and Ex.cedrin was my best friend. Ex.cedrin rules! However, I obviously can't take that (here Butters, want a nice dose of Asprin and caffeine?!) Not that I haven't had any caffeine. I have. I stopped all caffeine for most of the first trimester, and now limit myself to two cups of coffee a week...big cups of strong coffee. (Hey, if I only get two....) And I've had some chocolate (which I need like a third boob)
Showing? Depends. The belly has appeared, but can be disguised. (people at my office still do not know) It's not really a 'bump' - you know, those cute little ones in your lower abdomen? Nope - it just looks like I've gained weight all around my middle. I have not taken a 'belly shot' since week 12 so I think it's time again. (should I post them?)

[Again, there is a section I wrote then removed regarding weight. I have saved it and will use that in another post. Yes! There will be another post!]

Oh, I was asked if I craved any specific foods. Not really, though I have had an aversion to quesadillas pretty much since the beginning. This is very odd, because I loved quesadillas! We own a quesadilla maker! They now pretty much gross me out, which makes no sense because I still like cheese and chicken and bread. Why the combination is so unappealing to me now is pretty strange.

I wake up almost every single night to pee. Last night I got up twice. I didn't think that would happen this early, but oh well. Usually I can sleep through a massively full bladder! (TMI, I'm sure)

I have been able to keep my mind off of the 'what-if's', even though I am well aware that bad things can still happen at this stage of the game. I am trying to balance this awareness with telling myself that I have to just assume that things will be ok, and to not dwell on the tragic 'what-if's'. No amount of worrying will prepare me for something terrible. I'm not saying that I don't worry - I do, but I try not to.

Evap Lines?

2008-05-01T13:28:00.006-04:00

Update: They weren't evap lines - she got a BFP!
----------------------------------------------------------
Ok, you have to go over to this blog and see what is going on! Long story short - she's getting evap lines on her pee sticks (evil pee sticks!)... but they sure don't look like evap lines to me! She had a beta at her Dr.'s office and they say the Dr. is away and she will have to wait until next Tuesday for the results! WHA? It's like a little soap opera and I must stop refreshing her blog! Anyway, go over and check out the pics of the "evap lines" - if her beta winds up being negative with lines coming up like that, I will conclude that all pee sticks are indeed made by satan himself.

ps - I am 15w5d today. Nothing much to report, except that I sometimes want to eat a small house. Energy level is pretty much back to normal. In fact, I don't feel 'p' much at all - it's weird. Only thing is when I eat, even just a little, it seems that my stomach really bloats up, but then it goes back down after a while (well, down to it's currently larger size from the weight I put on in the first few weeks) Make sense?

Belly Shots

2008-04-28T08:24:00.010-04:00

Look! I actually created a belly shots page! (finally) I will update this periodically with new pictures. Last updated on 10/12/08. (39w1d)

It may appear that there were other people in some of these pictures who were cropped out. They were. Since none of the people in the pictures know about this blog, I didn't think it would be appropriate to post their pictures without them knowing.

Ah yes, and here I am last year, a fertility novice,
with only two months of clo.mid under my belt.

Still Kicking - 14w3d

2008-04-22T09:19:00.006-04:00

I should write a nice long post with lots of updates right now, but I'm not. I'm fine. Nothing is wrong - I just haven't been posting, and not for any particular reason other than I've not been in 'writing mo0d' for some reason. Don't know why. I have things in my head that I want to say but I just haven't been writing them down. Here's the super brief overview, which I hope I have the motivation to expand upon and don't just disappear for another month! But you know me...

(The following has to do with 'p' stuff, for anyone who may not be in the mood to read)

1. Butters update: Had NT scan a few weeks ago at 12w2d. The ultrasound was super clear and I could have sat and watched Butters move around all day. He/she didn't want to get in the correct position for the ultrasound tech and insisted on laying upside down with his/her butt in the air. I actually had to get up and jump around to try and get Butters in the right position. (seriously) Butters measured slightly ahead at 12w6d. The results were good - my risk for Trisomy 21 is now 1:1000 and my risk for Trisomy 18 is 1:10000. I am not getting an amnio.

2. Symptom update: I have more energy now, and have been back at the gym now for about 7 weeks, but am still a little more tired than usual. I also just started getting headaches, which are probably hormone related. I had a particularly bad one this morning, which has faded a bit thanks to Tylenol, but it's still there.

3. Bump update: No bump. I am not showing yet. The weight I have gained seems to be distributed all over (?) I did not gain anything between my 9 and 13 week OB visit - which is good because I put on some weight right in the beginning. I'm not overweight, but I'm not underweight either. I just removed a long paragraph I just wrote about weight because it really needs to be a separate post and not included in a brief update. If you're like me and had weight struggles since you were a child, then you'll understand....

4. Next Dr. appointment: May 13.

I know a lot of people - well, a lot in the small group of blogs I tend to follow (and have neglected commenting recently on yet again!) are in the 2ww right now or are just about to be. I really hope there's some good news this month.

Quick Hello (and yet another sad story)

2008-03-27T10:19:00.004-04:00

First, thanks again for all of your comments. I've been a bit busy and once again have neglected my blog reading /posting and hope catch up by the weekend. (Seems like I say this ever few posts, doesn't it?)

I did read a few blogs this morning and once again, came across horrible news!! Please visit http://bustedbabymaker.blogspot.com/ and offer your support. She just lost her twins at 23 weeks. :(

It seems like I'm posting a link to a very sad story every few posts too. Is it me or does it seem like there is a higher incidence of tragedies for those who have struggled with infertility, once they do become pregnant? I know there are many wonderful stories out there, but I don't read that many blogs and this just seems to keep happening! I guess I don't really read pregnancy blogs that aren't related to infertility though. It's just so sad.

I'll be back shortly....

Things I've Been Thinking About

2008-03-20T12:25:00.003-04:00

Some blogs I have read in the past day or so has reminded me of a few things I've been wondering about on and off. So, if you read this and think 'Hey, this sounds like something I just mentioned in my blog!' well, yeah, I probably read your post and it got me thinking.

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs.
2. Posting in other blogs.
3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle.
4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's?

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs. Understandably, there are mixed emotions when you see your blogging buddies, especially ones cycling at the same time as you, receive BFPs, and you don't. I've been there, though maybe not totally, because my failed cycles were IUIs and perhaps the feeling would be different/even worse if it was an IVF cycle. I don't know...though I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like - see number 3. Anyway, at one point last fall, I just stayed away from the whole blogging thing, thus the lack of posting here from Nov-Dec. When I was around, I did keep up with some BFP blogs, but I have to admit, it was hard. And I felt guilty at the time about it, because I was happy for all of those women, but yes, I was jealous. I say I felt guilty 'at the time' because now, currently being on that 'BFP list' I don't blame anyone a darn bit if they stay away from here, which is why I'm not surprised that most of my readers are now gone. I'm amazed that anyone is still reading this. Maybe it gives people hope, but I'm sure it also hurts people. This also leads to my next thought...

2. Posting in other blogs. I currently do not post comments in any IF blogs unless I have already posted before so they are familiar with me. I'm not sure someone who is in the middle of cycling wants to click on my profile, go to my blog for the first time, expecting to see a post about infertility and be smacked with "woo hoo - look at my u/s pics!" However, does it bother anyone who is familiar with my blog, when I post comments in theirs, if they have just dealt with a loss/failed/canceled cycle? Meaning, is it hurtful in any way? If so, I'll refrain from commenting, and will totally understand.

3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle. I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like to have a failed IVF cycle. And NO, I am not equating that with those who have had failed cycles - just saying that I do have an idea what it feels like. Honestly. Those who have been following my blog may recall that I was sure this past cycle had failed on the day of my beta, and I would have canceled the beta had I not wanted to go in to let them know I wanted to get the next cycle started asap. I really did have a post ready that day about my feelings about the failed cycle, which I never posted only because I wanted to conclude it with what I would be doing next, and I was waiting to hear from my RE's office. The title of that post included the word 'dead'. I was bitter, and strangely numb. It was like, once I finished freaking out early that morning, my emotions shut down. I felt like I would never cry again (and I cry pretty easily), and I started thinking of the next cycle in a very unemotional, clincial sort of way. When I read of others' failed cycles, I think back to that day, and the feelings are still very vivid. I'm sorry that anyone ever has to feel like that.

4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's? I know many of us who are in our mid-late 30's or 40's may wonder if we waited too long to have kids, and 'what if' we had started earlier.' I've thought about this, and DH asked my during my last cycle, would I have rathered had kids years ago (assuming I wouldn't have had problems when I was younger) if I had known I would be infertile? At the time he asked this, I had not received any 'positive' news yet. I said honestly, no. First, his question was also very interesting, because we were still dating during my teens and very early 20's. (yes, I dated DH many years ago before we went are separate ways for about 10 years) Maybe I should have just stayed with DH way back when and had kids! I thought about that and still my answer was 'no.' I wasn't ready to marry DH then - I don't think it would have worked, which is why we parted ways back then! I would always wondered if I settled down too early, we wouldn't have become the people we are now - we might have split, not been good parents, for all I know I may have been selfish and wound up resenting getting pregnant early! Who knows! We grew as people and somehow found our way back to each other. (boy, that last sentence sounds sappy)

But what about after we parted ways, when I in my late 20's/early 30's? How about the years I did have another long-term boyfriend? Looking back, I am so happy that I did not settle down then and have kids. I can't imagine now... just can't fathom the idea of having married someone else and having their kids. Argh! All in all, I don't feel as if I made the wrong decision by waiting for the right person before trying to have kids - and again, I felt like this before I had any idea that my cycle may have worked. Not everyone meets the right person when they're young... technically I did meet DH when I was young, but it was too young.

Just stuff I've been thinking about......

9w3d - First OB Appointment

2008-03-18T18:20:00.005-04:00

FYI: This post is just basically about my OB appointment today.

9w3d ... but yesterday was 9w1d, so how is that possible? Answer: I received an updated measurement today because I scored another ultrasound! :) Yes!! They weren't going to do one initialy, but perhaps my puppy dog eyes convinced them otherwise. You may see me on an upcoming episode of Intervention, with my family trying to pry me away from u/s machines. Anyway....

The Ob/Gyn I am going to is the same one I've been seeing since I was a teenager. My doctor retired a few years ago and I have been seeing a new one since then. My appointment today, however, was with a nurse practitioner. After turning some initial paperwork they had sent me to fill out prior to my visit, I went into a consultation room. The nurse practitioner came in, looked over my paperwork, asked me some initial questions, and then went over some basic information - what not to eat, what I should eat, exercise, medication, etc. I received a folder of informational pamphlets and a pregnancy book. She then explained how often I would be coming - once a month until ... I forget what week....30? Anyway, once a month for quite a while, and they would perform an ultrasound at 20 weeks. I was surprised that they didn't do one a little earlier... anyway, this was, of course, the perfect time for me to ask, "Soooo... are you going to do an u/s today?" She said no, (nicely) and then continued. Would I like to make an appointment with a genetic counselor to screen for certain conditions? They can do a nuchal translucency ultrasound and bloodwork around week 11-13 to assess the possibility of certain problems. I said yes, only because I want to be as informed as possible. (I can't say that the extra ultrasound didn't also factor into my decision!) At the end of the consultation, I said, lightheartedly, "So, no chance of an ultrasound today?" and smiled. I didn't want her to know how psycho I really am! She said no, since I just had one last week and I said I understood, I was just being over-cautious, wanting to make sure "everything was still there!" and kind of laughed. Again, I didn't want the depth of my nuttiness to be obvious. (Denise, I did think about your suggestion :) )

I then went into the examination room for the examination - checking my uterus, listening to my heart, breast exam, etc. I already had a pap smear and the initial bloodwork done while still at my RE. So I change, and wait...wait.... Hmm, wonder why the wait? The door opens and I see the nurse practitioner wheeling something in behind her... wait, is that an ULTRASOUND MACHINE?! She turns to me, smiles, and says, "Alright, alright, you win, we'll take a peek in there, though the picture won't be very good" YES!! I'm not concerned about the picture quality - show me a HB! I thank her and let her know how appreciative I am. She pours some goop on my belly, and I think "Wow, a non-dildo cam u/s!" Well, that didn't work too well... she couldn't really pick anything up. I wasn't concerned since it's still pretty early. So, she said she'd get the dildo-cam (obviously she didn't call it that!) and try that after she does the regular exam.

So, after the exam, she gets the nice little wand, and voila! We see everything right away. Now, this u/s machine wasn't nearly as clear as the one at the RE's office, but I could clearly see Butters. She pointed out the HB (which I could barely see on this machine, but whatever, as long as she saw it!) and then did measurements. "Right on target" she said, "9 weeks, 3 days, perfect." A wave of relief washed over me. Now, I know that this still doesn't mean something can't still go wrong but for some reason, I felt like the 9 week mark was critical. I didn't get a picture, which is fine, since they weren't even planning on doing an u/s initially.

The nurse practitioner did say something I found a little funny. She knew I underwent IVF from my records, so as she was doing the u/s she asked, "So, how many eggs did you put back?" Eggs? Oh, you mean I could have just put eggs back in my uterus? Heh heh. I just smiled and said two.

My next appointment is April 15. (tax day!) However, my screening appointment will be some time before then. In the meantime, I still have plenty to post about, assuming I don't continue to sleep 30 hours a night. Oh, I did forget to mention that I am down to just one dose of crinone gel a day instead of two! I am supposed to continue with the progest.erone until I am 10 weeks along, which is this weekend. Yay, no more yucky gel!

9w1d Update

2008-03-17T13:45:00.006-04:00

What a bad blogger I have been. I have some updates...
1. Graduating from my RE / 8w2d u/s.
2. Pregnant Friends: Irrational Infertility Fears (IIF)
3. Symptoms

Graduating from my RE / 8w2d u/s.
Last week's 8w2d u/s at my RE's office was fine. DH and I saw Butters with his/her heart still beating (yay) and he/she looked like something besides a blob! I have included the picture below, along with the 7w2d one.

Then we saw the head move and it was just awesome. That was my last visit with my RE - I have my first OB appointment tomorrow, 3/18. Dr. M. told me before I left to please keep in touch and that he wanted to see me when I was all 'big'! I said sure, but that I would make sure I came in when there wasn't a waiting room full of people, ya know? Actually - what do YOU think? Would seeing a pregnant lady (assuming I will stay pregnant, IIF aside) in a fertility clinic piss you off or give you hope? I think it would just upset people. I don't think seeing a pregnant woman while I was sitting in the waiting room for yet another follicle check would have helped my mood whatsoever. Anyway, I hugged Dr. M. and thanked him, then went and said goodbye to the IVF coordinator and the other ladies at the front desk area and my eyes started filling with tears! (damn hormones!) Everyone at my RE's office is just wonderful, and it was weird saying goodbye. I felt like a big dork. The IVF coordinator gave me a little gift bag that said 'congratulations' and contained some itsy bitsy booties. Aww.

Pregnant Friends: Irrational Infertility Fears
So yes, tomorrow is my first OB appointment. Let me just say that I really hope I get some kind of u/s (not sure if they will do one?) so I can see Butters and a heartbeat, and not because I have any indication that something must be wrong - this is a purely irrational concern. See, I just found out this weekend that two friends of mine are pregnant and due just one month before me! This is very cool, but it has now brought forth my Irrational Infertility Fears (IIF). You know, the 'Things can't be going this well and something is going to happen and and they will all be giving birth this fall and I won't.' I am not dwelling on this, and am trying to think only positive thoughts but it's so weird how hearing of these two pregnancies has really brought out the IIF.

I am much closer with one of the two girls, and her husband is also very good friends with mine. We saw them in person on Saturday, when DH and I went to their house for dinner. I was so happy to hear that she was expecting again (she has a 2 1/2 year old) Later that evening we told them our news, even though it is a bit early and we haven't told many people. I thought it would be obvious to them because I drank a non-alcoholic beer (which incidentally, has 0.5% alcohol. I would need to drink about 9 to equal one light beer.) However, they didn't say anything, so we finally just told them. They were very surprised since we hadn't said anything all evening! I found out that they were actually being very sensitive. They both knew we had been going through treatments, and assumed that I was probably no drinking because of that, and of course didn't want to ask. So of course it was one big happy pregnancy fest, with the husbands congratulating each other over Guiness while the wives talked about all things pregnancy over ice water. What a happy picture, right? Yes, it was! And that's what started the IIF. I mean, my SIL is due in July, the other two girls in September, and me in October. We'll all have kids the same age, which will totally rule. Yet this is just the 'perfect' time for the infertility demons to come down and really stick it to me. C'mon, you know what I'm talking about it - you've read the stories in other blogs, and it may have sadly, even happened to you or someone close to you. I'll just try not to think about it....

Symptoms.
One letter describes it all: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I really can't stand the fatigue, because I have a lot of things to get done at home after work and they are just not getting done. However, I do see any pregnancy symptom as a positive sign so I have a love/hate relationship with my fatigue. Some days I feel fine, while I feel like a walking zombie other days. I am exercising again, since Dr. M. gave me 'gym clearance' two weeks ago, (thank goodness!) so I had hoped that would help increase energy. I think the exercise has helped a bit, but not too much. I did have some pretty significant nausea this morning, though it has subsided now. I had some last week, but all in all, I've been extremely lucky to have not had much m/s. Now I just need to wake up.

Perhaps I'll just demand an u/s at my appointment if they don't plan to do one. Stamp my feet, throw a tantrum, the works ;)

I'm Fine - But Others Are Not

2008-03-11T16:10:00.005-04:00

First, I am behind in my blog reading and commenting and I do plan to catch up this week. So if I usually comment in your blog and I haven't in a bit, don't worry, I'll be back. I'm sure this was a very big concern for a lot of you. ;)

Anyway, this post is primarily to mention this blog: Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies. Please stop by and give your support. Her baby was born still at 36 weeks. How devastating. I can NOT even imagine what this must be like. I feel like I should never complain about anything in my life ever again.

I'll be back to post updates on my 'stuff'. (I'm still incredibly tired all the time - and no, I am not complaining!)

A Quickie

2008-03-07T13:08:00.006-05:00

I don't have time to post much at the moment, but wanted to mention that Tuesday's u/s was fine. Butters is almost 11mm and his heart was pumping away at about 150bpm. I will post a picture in my next post. I'll be going back to Dr. M. one more time next week, even though I don't really have to. However, you know I must squeeze in an extra u/s, since it may be a while before I have one again! My regular Obgyn appointment is March 18.
I am also a bit behind in my blog reading/commenting. I hope to catch up this weekend, though I'll be on a bar crawl this Saturday. That's right - a bar crawl. I decided one day of drinking won't hurt. Right?

(pause)

I'M KDDING! I'm going to get 'hammered' on O'Douls ;-) Preferably O'Douls Amber if it's available. I can have fun observing a bus full of drunk people. Heh heh. I just can't let anyone know I'm not drinking, as usual. DH and SIL are the only ones going who know of my situation.

Ok, more later.

Heartbeats and Heart Attacks

2008-03-01T11:24:00.000-05:00

I have a very good excuse as to why I have not posted about Tuesday's u/s until now. Really I do. I've been sleeping. No lie - this %!#% progeste.rone (do you think I whine about pregeste.rone enough?!) still has be conking out pretty early each night, and I can't get a jolt from some nice strong, regular coffee! I vowed to post Thurs. night, but fell asleep even earlier because, believe it or not I am sick again! Just a slight fever and sore throat - just enough to make me feel pretty lousy, and wanting to sleep even more than usual, if that's even possible. I was able to go to work Fri. Thank you Tylenol. I rarely ever get sick two weeks in a row, so I don't know what's going on. I could have posted from work, since I do manage to stay awake during the day, but I wanted to scan the latest picture to go with the post... which I planned on doing every evening and wound up falling asleep before I get to the computer.

Tuesday's u/s went very well. Butters had grown and measured 6w2d. Based on my ER date, I would have been 6w4d on Tuesday, but Dr. M. said that a two day measurement difference didn't mean anything, because it depends on when implantation occurred. The most reassuring thing was the little heartbeat that both DH and I could see very clearly, beating away at 120bpm. I just stared at the screen in awe. You still can't see much in the picture.

I was told to stop the estrad.iol pills and the PIO shots - yay! However, I still have to use the 'wonderful' Crino.ne gel twice a day. (bleh) Dr. M. said he wanted to see me probably two more times, and to go ahead and set up an appointment with my regular obgyn for about 3 weeks from now. I, of course, wish I could stay with Dr. M. through everything, as I am sure most patients do, but we all know that isn't possible. My next u/s is scheduled for March 4.

This is where the 'heat attack' part of my post begins.
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty happy. That lasted about an hour and a half. I decided to go to the bathroom at work and insert my dose of Crin.one. I usually insert my morning does when I wake up, but I wanted to wait until after the u/s in case the u/s wand interfered with any absorption.

(TMI alert) So there I am, in the stall. Insert applicator, squeeze out the gel, remove the applicator. I notice a very small bit of red on the end of the applicator. I think 'Hmm... well, I guess I might have a little bit of spotting from the u/s or something.' I wasn't yet worried, but decided to jam my finger you-know-where just to check. I expected to maybe see a bit of discoloration. Instead, I see a finger covered in bright red blood. I start to shake.

Rational mind thought at the moment: "I just saw a heartbeat. There is no way I could be miscarrying right now."

Irrational mind thought at that moment, which completely overrode rational mind thought: "WHAT THE %!$%!$ BRIGHT RED? OH SH*T!! No No NO NO!"

It took me about 1.5 seconds to pull my pants back up, get back to my desk, grab my cell phone and get back out to a secluded part of the hallway and call the doctor's office. After explaining to the nurse what happened, she immediately told me to not worry - that my vag area is 'very vascular', end even more so than usual now that I'm 'p.' She said this happens a lot - that the u/s and the Crino.ne applicator could easily cause this. She asked if I had any type of pain or cramping - I didn't. I asked if I should come in if the bleeding continued and she said yes, of course, but that I should not expect any bleeding to continue.

I then spent the rest of the day trying to not go to the bathroom every 15.8 seconds to check things out. As it turns out, she was right - there hasn't been anything since.

Still Trying To Believe

2008-02-24T10:56:00.002-05:00

I think many, if not most people, who have dealt with IF, go through some of the feelings I am currently having. I'm referring to the '"I can't believe this could actually work.... and for some reason I don't feel pregnant at all and I think something is wrong and I won't see a heartbeat on the next u/s.... etc etc etc." DH is very excited about our next u/s, and so am I, but I am more worried than excited. Technically, I have no reason to be worried - I don't have spotting, I don't have weird cramps... but I know what can happen. I've read countless, heartbreaking stories about finally achieving a pregnancy, only to have it end at six, seven, eight, nine weeks, and later.

I thing we (those in the IF world) get these feelings because we just can't believe that after all the bullsh** we've dealt with (and I admit I have had to deal with less than a lot of people) that we'll actually just have your normal, everyday pregnancy! Then factor in all of the awareness we have of what can go wrong... and I must admit, it does seem that many people going through fertility treatments still get a raw deal, even when they receive that elusive BFP. I mentioned this to someone, who reminded me that if a person isn't going through a difficult time, she wouldn't be writing an IF blog, so I'm going to be reading a higher percentage of 'bad luck' cases. That's true to some extent BUT, most of these blogs were started prior to any type of pregnancy loss. It just seems that many who struggle to get pregnant get an added 'up yours' from the evil IF spirits once they do see that extra line.

So while I am not stressing myself out over this (stress is bad, mmmmkay?) I'm very nervous, to say the least, and it's showing in my mood. I know DH is wondering why I've suddenly become a snappy, irritable beeatch this weekend. I could blame the progest.erone (I know it doesn't help!) but prior to me starting to worry about the next u/s, I was in a pretty awesome mood, even while stuffing myself with obscene amounts of progest.erone.

I wish I still felt nauseas, but I don't. I guess everything last week was still related to whatever virus I had. I feel fine. Perfectly fine. If I felt nauseas, I would actually feel better. Oh, isn't IF wonderful! We pray to feel like cr*p so we have a sign that we're still pregnant!

I know Tuesday's u/s is just one step on the 'worry staircase' and I can't sit around and agonize about every next appointment. I do think I will feel much better once I reach (please!!) the 12 week mark. Obviously that's still no guarantee of anything, and there are plenty of other things that could happen, but I think it may help.

People who know me IRL would probably say that I'm just being a pessimist - I do have that tendency. But I'm really not, it's just hard not to be concerned due to.... (see above points).

Can someone just wake me up in October?

Introducing Butters

2008-02-21T19:32:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the delay in posting anything. I've been working late, and still passing out at night! However, before I continue, I wanted to again mention some fellow bloggers who just received bad news. I know there are countless others out there, but these are from some of the blogs that I currently follow.

Please send sticky thoughts out to JP. Her beta skyrocketed over the weekend, only to have it not double for the next test. Also, sadly, Azalea Baby's beta has now dropped.

I do feel odd posting about my situation with all the bad news going around. I guess I shouldn't, but I do.

First, thank you all for your well-wishes. I do feel better. In fact, by Tuesday morning, my fever and terrible cramps were totally gone. The only thing I had was pretty bad nausea... but not the kind that would make one throw up. I just didn't want to eat anything, which for me, is highly unusual. I wondered if it was leftover from my stomach-virus-thing or if it was a symptom! This lasted pretty much all day, plus, I still had some, (TMI) ummm....bathroom issues. However, I felt 100% better, and it didn't interfere with work, etc. Things were pretty much the same yesterday, maybe a bit better and today, I have barely any nausea. Maybe a bit. Still some, umm... bathroom issues. So... perhaps it was all related to whatever bug I had.

So anyway, ah yes, the ultrasound! Dr. M. did the ultrasound himself - I think he does all the ultrasounds once you've reached this stage. My ovaries are not overly swollen at all, which is good. That's what you all wanted to know about, right? My ovaries?

Ok - to the important part. We saw one little guy/gal in my uterus. DH and I were sad, knowing that either 'lefty' or 'righty' didn't latch on. However, that being said, I'm not complaining, and I know how lucky I am to have had one blastbaby stick!!! I absolutely realize what a miracle it is for me to be the 'p' word at all.

We were able to see the tiny sac right away. Dr. M. said it measured right on target. He then pointed out the yolk sac, and the beginning of a fetal pole, which are basically just little dots inside the sac. We were unable to detect a heartbeat, which is not unusual. Dr. M. did warn me before the ultrasound that we may not see one quite yet, and if that's the case, I shouldn't be concerned. Of course I had already scoured the Internet and knew that 5w5d was still pretty early for a heartbeat, so I was prepared. (Dr. M. actually said I was 5w4d, and I'm not quite sure why, since ER was on Jan. 25, but, whatever.)

I have of course included a picture, though you won't really see much yet, just the teensy sac.

(If you want to see some totally cool pictures, check out Rebecca's 3-D pics!)

DH and I are now referring to the little one as Butters. We came up with that because for some reason, we thought of the innocent little kid on South.Par.k named Butters, and thought if our tiny one could talk (stop laughing at me!) we imagined him/her talking like Butters - like "Hey guys, I'm trying my best to grow in here...awww gee...look, I'm growing hands!" DH also really likes the character....ok, I know that may not make much sense if you have never heard of or seen this character, and even if you do know who Butters is, it still may not make any sense! Anyway, butter is kind of sticky too, so we thought Butters was fitting.

Because we did not yet detect a heartbeat, Dr. M. wants me to stay on all of my progeste.rone (booooo!) as a precaution. That's right - the PIO shots as well as two doses of crin.one gel a day.

Right before I left, Dr. M. decided to do b/w and check my HCG level. My HCG level, as of yesterday, was 6666. I laughed when they called me with the number! The doubling time has slowed now to 2.5 days, but the nurse who called said that Dr. M. reviewed the results of the b/w and the number was fine.

So now I wait until next Tuesday, Feb. 26, for my next ultrasound. Please keep sticking, Butters.

A Blah Monday

2008-02-18T18:36:00.004-05:00

You know, why can't people in the IF world get a break? Please keep Azalea Baby in your thoughts. Her beta did not double over the weekend and she has to wait until Wednesday for her next beta.

I wanted to post a little about the weekend, which was fun, (the Polar Bear plunge was crazy!) but I'm not in the mood at the moment. I had some early a.m. 'fun'. I felt fine last night, and as usual, fell asleep early. I even missed the end of Family Guy! So I passed out on the couch, (I should just get in bed to watch TV - poor DH keeps having to go to bed alone with my recent early-couch-pass-outs) and woke up at 1:30am, and man, was I nauseous!

Warning - TMI coming up...
So I then proceeded to throw up whatever was left in my stomach. I thought 'Oh wow - a pregnancy symptom!' While I wasn't thrilled about being nauseous, I was a happy to have a symptom! Weird, huh? As it turns out, that was not a symptom. I have the stomach flu or a virus or something, because shortly thereafter, the excruciating abdominal pain started. The pain was too high up to be uterine cramping... and then things started flowing out the other end. Unfortunately, that did not relieve the horrible cramps. I was up until about 5:30am, then fell asleep and woke up at 6am with the pain still there! Luckily, things had stopped flowing out of my body. Now I have a fever and the thought of any food makes me want to puke. I am forcing myself to drink water and tea (decaf!), though it's difficult. The pain is till there but has lessened so I did make it into work for a few hours.

Now the pain is lower, so I'm trying not to think about it and not worry about it being a potential problem. But right now, I have pretty bad cramps, right around my uterus. Damn it. I don't want to take Tylen.ol to bring down my fever unless I really have to. Hopefully this is some type of 24 hour thing... and nothing else is wrong.

(edited - I just took one 500mg Tylen.ol. I spoke to my SIL who is a nurse and she said that it's safe, and it's better to bring the fever down)

The Last Beta!

2008-02-15T14:39:00.006-05:00

First, please keep these bloggers in your thoughts: Swim received a negative beta - on Valentine's Day. I also found Jen's blog through Denise, and my heart is just breaking.

There is some good news out there. Azalea Baby received a whopping positive beta today - 309!!

Speaking of betas...today was my last beta - 1663. Doubling time is now 36.8 hours.
(For anyone who might randomly come across this entry, I'm 16dp5dt/21dpo)

Now I can obsess about my Feb. 20 u/s. My HCG numbers are strong, but still don't seem high enough for a twin pregnancy - and yes, I know you can't really tell by HCG numbers. But, based on the numbers at Beta Base, I am above the average for a singleton pregnancy, but no where near the average for twins. So, I'm pretty sure I have one little blastbaby growing.... unless I'm in for another surprise. (more teensy weensy balloons?)

Can you tell I want to know everything yesterday?

On another note, I have successfully given myself PIO butt shots the past two nights because DH is away on business. [Yep, he was away on Valentine's Day. I survived ;-) ] It wasn't too bad - I just stood in front of a full-length mirror, positioned the needle, and stuck it in. I am a little more sore than when DH does it for some reason.

I saw "The Bucket List" last night. I did like the movie, though I thought it dragged a bit. By the time it was over, around 9:30pm, my progesterone-stuffed body was ready to pass out! As tired as I get at night now though, I do wake up bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. Still no other symptoms other than the log-like sleeping and the bodacious ta-tas. [I know you're all just sooo curious. ;-) ]

Other random notes: Tomorrow I am going to the annual Polar Bear Plunge. That's where a bunch of insane people jump into the freezing cold ocean! I was originally going to be one of the idiots jumping in, but obviously I'm not now. I'll cheer on the sidelines with my SIL. This will be my first outing where I need to hide that I am not the 'p' word - in other words, pretend I am drinking beer at the post-plunge after party. However, since everyone knows that SIL is pregnant, she's going to help cover for me. She can buy non-alcoholic beer, since no one will question why she is ordering it, and pour it in a cup and give to me so it looks like I am drinking regular beer.

That's about it for right now.....

Beta #3 and Other Updates

2008-02-13T14:04:00.011-05:00

We have some good and bad news out there in blogland...

First, the bad news. Poor Swim received a BFN when she POAS, but her beta is not until tomorrow. Let's all hope she gets a big surprise on Thursday.

I had my third beta today. (drum roll....)
Today's beta - 674
Doubling time is now 35.8 hours.

To recap:
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
14dp5dt - 674

I still go for yet another beta on Friday. I know you technically can't tell if you're carrying one or two little ones based on HCG numbers, but I think I just have one little guy/gal in there. By the third beta, it seems that people with multiples are getting higher numbers. I'll find out at the u/s next week, and if there is just one, I will be a little sad that lefty or righty didn't make it, but one is fine with me - I'm extremely lucky to be the 'p' word at all.

I saw Dr. M. just as I was leaving the office this morning and he asked me if I felt pregnant. I said not really, except for my, umm... expanding chest. I wanted to say, "UGH! Save me from these big progesterone boobs!" He sort of laughed and said that a lot of people tell him that, and then asked if people were calling me Dolly! Ha ha ha, real funny. Actually it is kind of funny. :) Luckily, I have some minimizer bras which I am currently stuffing myself into. My chest expands and shrinks based not just on my progesterone level, but my weight, so I also have some bras from when I weighed more that are still too big for me. So at least I can go a little while without buying bras.

I can't believe I am posting about my bras. Anyway, I did get a chance to ask Dr. M. about exercise and he said for now, I should stick to just walking (no elliptical machines or things like that yet) and that I could do upper body resistance training. I haven't been to the gym in weeks! I used to go multiple times a week and do cardio as well as a full weight workout! I think when I start doing weights again I will keep it very light - better safe than sorry.

Dr. M. also said that he doesn't like reducing any medication until after he sees a heartbeat, just to be on the safe side. I will be 5w5d for next week's u/s, and based on what I have read, I may be able to see (though not hear) a heartbeat. If I see a heartbeat, I know I'm going to just start bawling.

The only other thing I have noticed is that I'm sleeping a lot. I wake up without a problem, and am wide awake during the day, but in the evening I wind up passing out and sleeping right through until morning! Usually, if I would fall asleep super early, I'll wind up waking up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep. Not anymore - I'm officially sleeping log woman. It's so weird!

And lastly, I went for my first healthy pregnancy acupuncture appointment yesterday! My acupuncturist specializes in infertility - almost all of his patients are women undergoing fertility treatments. I decided to keep going because I do believe the acupuncture helped me, and I did notice changes in my body after starting acupuncture. Maybe one day I'll even talk more about that when I finally finish that acupuncture entry I've been promising to post for months! I go once a week for the first trimester, and then just a few times after that.

And yes, I stopped POAS ;-)

I Will Not Obsess, I Will Not Obsess....

2008-02-12T13:52:00.000-05:00

I went to the 24-hour drug store early this morning (as in 5:30am because lazy me -or maybe just full-of-progesterone-me - passed out on the couch early instead of going to the drug store!) to refill my crin.one. Is/has anyone been told to take crino.ne (or prometri.um or suppositories) twice daily in ADDITION to PIO shots? Argh. I was about to start bitching about progestero.ne side effects, (I'm about to start duck taping my chest down) and decided not to because I would rather be in this position and be up to my ears in progestero.ne than the alternative. Anyhoo, I also purchased a huge bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been taking a daily multivitamin (w/ 100% RDA of folic acid) but decided to switch to the prenatals.

I felt as if I was going to jinx something by buying the BIG bottle, but told myself I was being an idiot. It's just that prior to the early morning CVS run, I of course POAS, and noticed that the line wasn't any darker than yesterday, though it wasn't lighter. Hmm.

Look at me - I've gone from pro-POAS-before-beta to anti-POAS-before-beta to Let's-POAS-every-morning-once-you-get-a-BFP.

I decided to not POAS anymore for right now. However, I am not obsessing about the lack of darkening. (lie lie lie lie) I guess the line just stops getting darker at some point - RIGHT?!?

On another note, if things continue to progress normally, (please please please) I will be due just three months after my SIL, so we'll have kids the same age. I always thought that would totally rule, though I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here.

Is it time for my next beta yet?!

My Title Creativity Got Lost Today

2008-02-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Obviously I can't think of a decent title for this entry.

Well, I finally received my beta number for today: 266.
Sooo....
9dp5dt - 54
12dp5dt - 266
Doubling time - 31.3 hours
[sigh of relief... for the moment]

I saw Dr. M. as I was going to get my blood drawn, and he smiled and said "I told you we'd get this!" I just went up to him, hugged him and said "Thank you." I think I surprised him a little.

I go back on Wednesday and Friday, so I can continue to obsess about beta numbers. My first u/s is scheduled for Feb 20, so once I'm done beta obsessing, I can obsess about the u/s.

It still feels weird to write about something besides follicle sizes or evil AF. I still almost can't believe it's real. [pinching self... *ow!*] DH of course is just thrilled and is fascinated by the darkening pee sticks each day. I bet if I told him a month or two ago that he would be gazing at little strips that I dipped in my pee, he would have thought I was nuts :)

That being said, I can't help but think of all the people in blog land who've received bad news in the past week or two. Even blogs I come across that I haven't read before seem to be laden with recent BFNs. Why can't these people get a break?

I feel strange that I am where I am right now while so many women who were cycling at the same time are having their hearts broken. This may sound odd, or as if I'm trying to get 'brownie points' (I'm not), but I feel almost guilty about posting, like I'm saying "Hey, sorry it didn't work for you, but hey, let me tell you about what's going on with ME." Now, no one has made me feel this way whatsoever. Quite the contrary, actually. And, when I was receiving BFNs every month, I didn't feel resentment towards those who had success - I was happy to read about BFPs. (I will admit that I would feel a little 'pang' in my gut and think "When will it be my turn?") So I'm not sure why I feel like I do.

I know what it feels like to have a failed cycle(s). It's awful, to say the least, and I hate that other people are experiencing those same feelings. To all who have received bad news recently... I am so sorry for your losses. It just isn't fair.

POAS and Tagging.

2008-02-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

Oh no. More bad news in blogland. Denise received bad news today. :(

I finally responded to my tagging. I will get to that in a moment. First, I have indeed finally POAS. Three times - Friday afternoon, Sat. morning and this morning. The line is getting slightly darker each time, but just slightly. My first positive tests ever, not counting the one I took after my HCG trigger one month just so I could see a second line! I am using up my little collection of pee sticks to keep an eye on that second line, because of course I can't just relax now, I must obsess about doubling beta numbers!

It's ironic that I decided to not POAS (prior to beta) the one month when I actually would have seen something besides an ugly, white test! I still do not regret my decision not to POAS, though if I had when I woke up on Friday, my morning would have been a lot better. But before that... who knows when the line would have shown up? I am starting to think that pee sticks are laced with evil if used prior to a beta. I could have seen BFNs all week and I would have been miserable. Then there's the awful other angle... the early BFN and then the negative beta. I read Duck's blog today and she knows someone who just had that happen. How awful. I know of others who've experienced the same thing, but reading that post reminded me all over again.

On to tagging....(what a lousy transition.. someone received terrible news... oh yeah, here's stuff about me...)

I've been tagged by Azalea Baby!

Here are the rules to the game:

1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I met DH in marching band at age 14! We dated through most of high school and even through our first year of college when we were three hours apart! The next few years were 'on and off' and then totally 'off' for almost 10 years. I bumped into him a few times after that and we were on good terms. One time, I was with my then long term boyfriend and he was with his girlfriend! Found out later that both of our significant others were totally jealous, even though we barely talked to each other and had NO interest in each other 'that way' anymore! Imagine my surprise when we started hanging out again in 2003 by complete accident (too long to get into here). Then imagine my surprise when I found myself saying 'I do'!!

2. Speaking of marching band... I was totally into the high school music scene. Marching band [flute/piccolo... and NO, band camp is not like the one in "American Pie!" ;) ], orchestra, choirs, etc. I stopped playing an instrument in college but kept singing in choirs through college and into my mid 20's. Now I just sing in the shower... or karaoke some times.

3. Speaking of music... I like heavy metal, and no, not death/satanic metal! The bands I like range from ones like Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin, Godsmack, Seether (which aren't really considered 'metal' but you get the idea) to 80's hair metal! DH and I went to concerts like Skid Row, Cinderella, Motley Crue, etc. in high school. We still listen to that stuff too. It isn't unusual to find us blaring 80's metal while have a few cold ones on the weekend!

4 I'm clumsy. In fact, just this Friday, I slipped in the kitchen at work and hurt my foot. I managed to break my foot a few years ago by stepping in a hole in a parking lot, and in Dec '06, I fell down the steps on my front porch and had to have stitches above my eye! Those are just a few of my many uncoordinated moments. I am always banging into things when I'm doing things that take a lot of coordination (insert sarcasm)... like walking around.

5. I obtained 2 Master's degrees before I was 30. I wasn't a professional student - I received the first one at 22 and got the other one while working. And no, I don't think that means I'm super smart - I'm actually not. I can be somewhat ditzy and some people are surprised to find out I actually went to college ;) In fact, my high school guidance counselor didn't think I had great college potential. Ha - take that, silly counselor!

6. I run a small e-commerce business from my home, in addition to my full-time job.

It’s hard to find non-tagged people! I have tagged Swim, Egged Out, and Rebeccah
(if you have already been tagged, sorry!)

My Afternoon Surprise.

2008-02-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

First, my heart goes out to Rebeccah and Maria. They both just received bad news. :(

I had an entry ready to go from this morning, and was just waiting for the ‘official’ word from Dr. M’s office before posting it.
The entry I had ready is no longer valid. Righty and/or Lefty decided to give me a super surprise today.

I still have not POAS. I woke up to spotting. Well, not actual spotting. (TMI alert) After peeing in a cup (for the pregnancy test) it was more of my standard jam-finger-in-hoo-ha check. At first there wasn't anything, but then there was that little bit of blood, just like every damn other month, so I dumped my cup of pee in the toilet, flushed, and cried. And yelled. And cursed. DH was already awake when I went to the bathroom and was waiting, because he knew I was going to test. I yelled "I didn't test - there's no point!" and opened the bathroom door and started my tirade, as he tried to console me. I did keep myself from punching the wall. He asked me if I wanted to take the day off from work - he said he would too (what an awesome man!) to stay with me. I said no way. I'm a contractor and if I don't go to work, I don't get paid, and I said I'll be damned if I lose any more work time and money because of this IVF cycle. We made plans to have drinks after work.

I went and had my beta at 7:30am, just so I could get the ball rolling for IVF #2. I managed to get to work without looking like I got punched in the face. I had a cup of regular coffee.

Dr. M’s office called my cell phone at 1:49pm. I was at my desk at work.

Me: "Hello."

Nurse: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: "Fine." (thinking, not fine, just tell me it's negative and what I am doing next)

Nurse: "Well, your pregnancy test was positive."

Me: "WHAT?!?? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!??!?"

I bolt from my desk and run into the hallway, where there are no people around!

I am 9dp5dt. My beta is 54. Oh please let that be an ok number.

Oh. My. God!

I am shaking.

I did not take my crino.ne or estradiol pill this morning!

I don’t know what else to say right now. I know I still have a long way to go. I'm nervous about the beta number, even though the nurse said it was fine. Does anyone have input on the beta #?

(edit: I am adding this to clarify - I know the number is supposed double within 48-72 hours... just hoping 54 is not low. Next beta is scheduled for Feb 11.)

8dp5dt - 1 Day Until Beta - Will AF Stay Away?

2008-02-07T08:05:00.000-05:00

Today is a hard day, and not just because my beta is tomorrow. Today would be around 13dpo. Every freaking month, AF has started to show up on 13dpo. The only exception was the month of December, where AF held out one extra day, but that was an unmedicated cycle. In fact, I have only gone in for a beta twice the whole time I have been going through fertility treatments, and each time AF had already arrived but I went, just in case. I stopped bothering after the first two times, so basically, I never even make it to beta day. I don’t know if taking the extra progester.one will hold off AF, in the event I am not pg, so lack of any sign of AF today won’t mean anything. I’ll just be apprehensive every damn time I go to the bathroom today, which drives me nuts. I’ll be checking constantly. Damn it.

I still have not POAS.

I have been sleeping like a log, and having vivid dreams the past week. The dream I had last night usually would have put me into a miserable mood today. I dreamed that AF arrived, and I was devastated. I was crying so hard in my dream, I am surprised my face was dry when I woke up. In my dream, someone asked me if I was going crazy (actually it was one of the people who works at my local post office – a really nice guy – so don’t ask me how he wound up in my dream, asking about my mental state). I yelled, crying hysterically, “I just found out I can’t have children, ok?!?” I then went to see my acupuncturist who had me in a room where his family was eating dinner (? gotta love dreams). Anyway, the dream did not bother me, though I admit I was expecting to see red when I went to the bathroom this morning. Usually I would have thought the dream ‘meant something’ but it doesn’t mean squat. I know this because this past October, I had the most realistic dream imaginable. I dreamed I POAS, and saw two lines! I was so happy! I felt the emotion in my dream, and I went to wake up DH, but it was my mom in my room instead and she said DH had to go to work early (I don’t know what my mom was doing in my bedroom, but hey, it’s a dream!) so I told her and I was just so happy. I woke up happy! I told myself it was just a dream… it was 10dpo… enjoy the happy feeling of the dream. I swore I wouldn’t go POAS. Swore.

Guess what I did? That’s right, I POAS and we all know what the result was. I was a mess until AF arrived. Therefore, I know dreams don’t indicate anything because if they did, I would have been pregnant in October. So there. :-P Oh, and I just looked back at older blog entries.. I forgot I had another '2 line dream' at 8dpiui this past September! So maybe the dream last night means I am pregnant. Hahahahahaha.

I don’t know how I am going to concentrate today. I decided that stuffing my face with the bagels someone brought in this morning would be a good way to keep my mind off things. I am already on bagel number 2!

Lefty, Righty, please be getting your balloons ready…..

6dp5dt - No POAS For Me

2008-02-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

First, I was very sad to read that egged out and Elizabeth received bad news this week. :(

No news on this end...I was going to POAS this morning, and totally chickened out. I have decided to not POAS until the morning of my beta... that is, if AF doesn't show up before then. The evil witch usually arrives the day before my beta - not fully, just enough to at least save me the trip to the Dr.'s office the next day. However, AF may hold off because of the 3x extra progester.one. Anyway, I thought about it and realized that a negative result would just make me absolutely miserable. I keep thinking that I'll test and be ok, and just tell myself that it was too early, that the test could be wrong, blah blah blah, but I know differently. Not once have I POAS without being reduced to a puddle of emotional mush. I even changed my vote to 'No' on Denise's blog.

At first, I felt that POAS could possibly give me the joy of an early positive (if a miracle happens - sometimes I can't believe I will ever see two lines) and that a negative would help prepare me mentally a little. Who am I kidding? A BFN never prepared me for sh*t! It just made me miserable longer. I wasn't any less miserable when AF arrived because as miserable as I was, I still had that teeny bit of hope.

I like being informed and I hate having any false hope, which is why I always used to POAS and was planning to this month. I still have nine fresh tests, just waiting for me. However, I know a BFN won't keep me from having false hope - I'll just have false hope and be miserable too. I'll give up the possibility of having a few extra days of joy from an early BFP to avoid how I feel after a BFN.

I know it may sound like I am expecting a BFN... I am trying not to. I'm just looking at my history. With my luck, it will be the same sh*t (BFN), different day, except that now my situation is really going to be a puzzle to Dr. M. And speaking of false hope - I hate hate hate hate having hope, only to have it crushed - and that's all I've had from the beginning because (broken record alert) no one can find a damn thing wrong, anywhere.

Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...... positive, oh... Y*!%&~$~%#~%#

Anyway, I have been tagged! That means I can take my mind off all this and work on that post.

I do not feel pregnant at all. I hope Lefty and Righty are just staying very quiet in order to surprise me on Friday.

5dp5dt - May I Go Insane Now?

2008-02-04T15:19:00.000-05:00

I went for bloodwork this morning for E2 and P4 levels. (Estrad.iol and progester.one) These are my numbers:

E2 - 418
P4 - 45

This means I am pregnant, right?! Just kidding.

The nurse who called said Dr. M. said the levels were good and to keep taking all my estrad.iol pills and icky progester.one. I don't know alot about these levels, but from what I sort of know from reading, they are ok, but don't really tell me anything. (ie, these aren't 'Oh my GOD your PG!!' levels) Anyone have more insight/info?

Anyway, I'm hungry all the time it seems. Step AWAY from the food, damn it! No, I do not think this is a pregnancy sign, it just means I am taking evil progester.one.

I am scared to POAS. I actually did POAS 3dp5dt to verify that the HCG shot was gone, and it was. I knew it was too early for anything to show unless one blast divided and I was carrying triplets! I still hated having that test scream "NEGATIVE!!!" at me though. Yes, my tests are special and come with the added benefit of screaming the results at me.

Anyway, now I have 9 tests left, and am scared that a negative, even though it is still a little early, is going to make me go hysterical. DH said I should try tomorrow morning. I still may chicken out.

We interrupt this IF blog for a quick football update:
First - wow, the GIANTS won the Super.bowl?!? I know rebecca is happy :) DH, my SIL and I were actually rooting for the Giants at the end and we don't even like the Giants! (Can't help it - we're Eagles fans) However, we're all sick of the Patriots so at first we just kept rooting for whoever was on defense! Then for some reason we just started cheering for the Giants at the end of the 4th quarter, probably because they were the underdogs. We kept saying "I can't believe we're rooting for the Giants!" Ha ha - sorry Brady!

No one noticed I drank only seltzer last night. :) Since I often drink water along with beer (the whole hydration thing) it wasn't odd for me to have water in front of me. Plus, we made sure there were beer bottles around me, and DH and my SIL helped cover for me. (did I mention that SIL is pregnant?)

Lefty, Righty? Please, please still be there.

4dp5dt - Creeping Thoughts

2008-02-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

The thoughts are creeping in… you know… THOSE thoughts.

I’ve been pretty happy since the egg retrieval, because things went so well (other than being a little disappointed that we didn’t have any blasts to freeze.) But now, at 4dp5dt, I’m scared.

I’m scared that this did not work. If I can’t hold on to at least one of two awesome little blasts... then what?? I feel like this cycle will end like all others - “Oh, everything looks so GREAT! Blah blah blah…..oh wow, you’re not pregnant… gee… that doesn’t make any sense.” I am sick and tired of things not making sense and all of this damn progester.one is not helping!

I’m trying to figure out if whining like this in my blog will get it out of my system so then I can go back to feeling positive. I’m such a hypocrite, aren’t I? I’ll be the first one to post in someone else’s blog, “It’s still early – don’t give up yet!” Now look at me! Do as I say, not as I blog, I guess.

I should be posting about the get-together I had with a group of people I used to work with last night – it was fun, and no one asked when we were going to have kids. (None of them know about my fertility treatments) I think people know at this point that it isn’t something they should be asking – smart people! They used to ask a while back, before we knew the extent of our fertility issues, so we just said we were trying. Now they just don’t ask. Plus, luckily, there was not one drop of alcohol around, which is usually not the case, so I didn’t have anyone wondering why I wasn’t even having one glass of wine! It was a perfect get together for a 3dp5dt gal! Now, tonight’s Superb.owl will be another issue as far as alcohol goes, but I think it will be pretty easy – I’ll just have a beer in front of my all the time, and with the number of people there, I don’t think anyone will notice much. Plus, I know DH will help cover for me.

Now back to our regularly scheduled whining. Wah wah wah. I’m hungry. I'm thirsty - been drinking so much water that I'm surprised I'm not floating. I’m tired, my clothes don’t fit, I’m not going to the gym (I was told not to) which is probably why my clothes don’t fit - and I wouldn’t care about all that if I was pregnant! I swear I am not a selfish beeatch who only cares about her waistline. But I know I am feeling like this because of all the progester.one pumping through my body. Even if I am pregnant, it would be too early to have these symptoms. So feeling like this just pisses me off - plus the fact that I felt very heavy and crampy Thurs. and especially Fri. (1d and 2dp5dt) Now I feel nothing. That’s like having crampy feelings around 6-7dpo. And guess what? I have had that before, and then it went away - and it always ended with a BFN. F**k!!!

I started crying a little this morning (and immediately stopped because I know that wouldn’t be good for me or any little blasts that could be hanging around) which frustrated DH because he can’t stand it when I start feeling negatively. I’m trying to be positive, I really really am.

*SIGH* Lefty, Righty? Are you still there?

2dp5dt - A Post About Nothing

2008-02-01T14:13:00.000-05:00

Today I turned 37.

Everyone send me candy. ;-) I usually would say to send wine, but that's a huge no-no!

If this IVF works, can I say I became pregnant at age 36?

I am so full of progesteron.e right now, I'm surprised it isn't oozing out my pores. PIO shot at night, and crinon.e gel every morning and evening. (I mistakenly referred to crinon.e as proges. suppositories in an earlier post) My ta-ta's are big (blech) and sore, as they usually are with extra progesteron.e, except now it's X3. The most I ever took before was one crinon.e at night. Anyway, on the bright side, all the hormones I'm pumping into myself will keep me from analyzing symptoms, since I wouldn't know if any 'symptom' was due to proges. or ... something else.

I just wrote a mini-rant about insurance in another blog's comments area. Reminds me that I really need to write about my ridiculous insurance experience with regards to fertility benefits. It will be a long post. Basically, insurance companies will lie to you about your benefits in hopes that you won't investigate further, and they can get out of providing the coverage you pay for!

For those who have seen the movie 'Clerks' - is it just me who can't help but think of a certain scene when you hear '37'?

This was officially a post about nothing.

My Embryos are Home

2008-01-31T11:00:00.006-05:00

Thank you all for your well-wishes! Sorry for not posting sooner about yesterday's transfer. I'll get into the details in a moment, but in summary, everything went fine, and I have two little blastocysts tucked away inside me. The embryologist said that the quality of both was great.

Right now I am calling them Lefty and Righty, based on where they are in the photo of them that Dr. M. gave me. (no, nothing to do with politics!) Both were graded as 3AA (!), but Righty was graded a little higher, as almost a 4AA. Apparently, the number indicates the stage they are in and the letters have to do with the cells and how tight they are, etc.

Apparently, the ones that were not at the four cell stage on day 2 stopped growing, but six continued to grow. When I walked out of the changing area, the embryologist was talking to Dr. M. and I heard her say that they had these two really good ones, but one (must have been little Righty) was just so perfect... then I heard these words: "The other four (something something something).. so they probably won't make it to freezing."

That was the one time yesterday that my heart dropped. The four they weren't implanting wouldn't 'make it' to freezing? Why couldn't they freeze them right now?! DH was right there and even though he couldn't see my face, he must have known how I felt because he quickly started touching my back, telling me it would be ok. He told me later that he felt exactly as I did when he heard we probably would lose our other four. I tried not let my emotions show on my face, but I guess I didn't do a very good job because Dr. M. looked at me and asked if I was ok. I said yes, it was just that, you know, the other four won't make it... I didn't want to sound like an idiot - I mean, they were going to transfer two great blasts. I understand a little better now, after talking to Dr. M. and reading more about blastocyst transfers. At that moment though, I wanted to make sure that they were still doing everything possible to take care of the other four since I had made it clear that under no circumstance did I want any of them destroyed. Dr. M., awesome as always, was more than happy to talk with me and answer questions yesterday. He also said that only 15% of his patients usually have embryos make it to the blastocyst stage and that my odds of achieving a pregnancy are now much higher. Oh pleeeaaaseee let that be the case.

Dr. M's office just called and as expected, none of the remaining four made it. They weren't quite far enough along yet to freeze and they had to let them grow another day, but they did not continue to grow.

Ok, so I just rambled on about the non-freeze way too long, didn't I? I hope my ramble doesn't make it seem like I don't realize how lucky I am at this moment. I AM excited and happy - for the first time in my life, I am technically, well, pregnant - I mean, I know I'm not until they implant, but this is the closest I have ever been!

I had acupuncture before and after the transfer, and I managed not to wet myself as I lay there with my big, full bladder! I went home and lay on the couch all day. Since I wasn't supposed to go back to work, and all I do is sit on my butt in front of a PC at work, I decided that if I went home and sat on my butt in front of a PC, it would be like being at work! So I just sprawled out and watched cable.

I must cut this post a little short because I am at work. Yes, I know - at work?! Wait! Hang on! Dr. M. would be ok to go to work if I wanted to. Remember -I sit on my butt all day, and I am not stressed at work at the moment, so I'm fine. Plus I work less than 10 minutes from my house, so if I feel like anything is wrong, I'm outta here! I'm on the fourth floor and usually take the stairs, but for now, I'm elevator girl.

Start sticking little ones! That means both of you! Don't get lazy on me now - I am already attached to you both, so I need you both to attach to ME!

Meeting My Embryos

2008-01-28T21:27:00.001-05:00

I finally get to meet my embryos at 12:15pm on Wednesday, Jan. 30. I don’t have to be there until noon, but was told to start drinking water around 10:30am, etc etc…. and that I wasn’t allowed to pee after 11am. Argh. I did have some practice back in December, because I had to do the same thing for the mock transfer. Has anyone else done that? I had to arrive with a full bladder, and they run through the procedure (except there are no embryos, obviously). Dr. M. said they do this so they have a good idea ahead of time what my uterus is like and how things should be positioned.

I will actually arrive at the office early, around 11:30am, to meet my acupuncturist. He meets IVF patients at the place of the transfer and gives a half hour session right before and right after transfer. Now that’s cool. I know studies show that the IVF success rate is higher when patients receive treatment on transfer day. I’m doing anything to make sure these little guys/gals stick!

I was hoping that when I found out my transfer time today, I would also receive another embryo update, but I guess I won’t hear anything else until that day. I wonder how they are progressing. My acupuncturist has done treatments at my Dr. M’s office before (it was Dr. M. who recommended him) and he was pretty sure that we would receive a picture of the embryo(s) transferred. Good! I am planning on transferring two – I can’t imagine that at my age, they would hold me to one, at least I hope not.

May I gush about Dr. M. for a moment? I have to say I really lucked out. Well, I guess it wasn’t all luck – I did go to him because he was highly recommended. He owns his own practice so it’s just him – he is the only doctor I see. He does the ultrasounds two days out of the week when the ultrasound assistant isn’t there, and he always does the IUIs. I have seen him every single time I have been to the office, and was able to have the egg retrieval right at the office. He recently moved to this new complex, about six months before I started seeing him. I found out he had it built specifically for his practice, which is why the mini operating room for the retrieval and the lab are right in that same building. I didn’t think much about some of these things until I’ve read some descriptions of some other REs and I realized how fortunate I am. Plus he’s close to my home and office. I am trying to look at all the positive things that have happened through this whole experience and appreciate them, rather than look at just the negatives.... like all my negative pregnancy tests. (ha ha ha)

Speaking of pregnancy tests... my 10 tests arrived this week from Early Pregnancy Tests. You can't beat the price - I got 10 tests for $10.49, which includes shipping. Yes, I admit, I plan on testing before my beta on Feb. 8. I don't plan on testing 10 times, and I will not test if I think I will freak if it's negative. I may wind up not testing because I may chicken out. I guess we'll see.

Keep growing, little ones!

Blast Transfer!!!

2008-01-27T11:46:00.001-05:00

Dr. M. called this morning. His exact words were that at least 9 out of the 10 are still growing. 9! Out of the 9, 5 or 6 embabies are 4 or more cells, so, he wants to let all of them continue to grow and do a 5 day transfer on Jan. 30. He said they usually only do a blastocyst transfer if there are at least four embies at 4 cells on day 2. Dr. M. said this was a great cycle, and that he thought my chances of pregnancy just went from 30% to 50%. I’ll get a call some time Monday with another embryo update and to set up the exact time for Wednesday.

I can’t help but be excited, but I realize that even though these numbers are good so far, that doesn’t guarantee implantation or a pregnancy. And even if I do achieve a pregnancy, that doesn’t mean it will be a full-term pregnancy. Trust me, I’ve read too many heartbreaking IF stories not to be fully aware of what can happen.

Again, I still can’t help feeling happy right now. Yes, I know it’s too early to be excited, but this is the farthest I have ever gotten (as far as I know) in the whole procreation game. On paper DH and look perfectly fertile. Up until now I had no idea what was wrong - for all I knew my eggs really sucked. Whatever was keeping me from getting pregnant is still unknown, but I think I may have narrowed it down to two – well, three - possibilities. It’s incredibly stupid for me to speculate like this, but I’ll do it anyway!

My Silly Infertility Speculations:

1. Tubes. While my HSG was fine, there could be another issue that didn’t show on that test. Mild endo that just didn’t show on the billions of ultrasounds? Possibly a defect in the fallopian tube cilia? Ciliary motion is an important factor in normal ovum transport. (yes, I copied that line from another web site!)

2. Problem with my uterine lining/I can’t carry a pregnancy. See, I don’t know if an egg has ever been fertilized within my body. Sooo… I don’t know if any little embies tried to implant but couldn’t because my uterus sucks.

3. Nothing – just some odd imbalance in my system that threw things out of wack just enough to keep me from getting pregnant. This was one of the reasons I started, and have continued acupuncture.

Out of the three silly speculations, obviously #2 would be my nightmare. IVF isn’t going to get around a sucky uterus.

Is it silly to be so happy so early? DH and I are just so excited that as of right now, we actually managed to create something! I do feel a little ridiculous – I mean, fertile people wouldn’t get excited over this. They can just create embryos every month! And I should know better… since day 1 of this infertility journey, it’s always been good news… until the day evil AF arrives. Good SA. Good follies. O’ing with no meds. Good news, good news… awww… look, a stark white pregnancy test, oh, and guess what, AF just showed up! This could happen all over again… look, awesome ebryos…transfer was perfect…. awww… look, a stark white pregnancy test… etc.

I will still remain positive. I’ve had cycles where I have felt totally negative, and some where I have felt very positive, and while the result has so far been the same, I do believe positive energy can only help, as corny as that seems. So I will remain silly, corny and positive. Keep growing little ones!

My Egg-citing Day.

2008-01-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who played 'Guess the Eggs' from my previous post. Congratulations to Duck - she guessed correctly! They retrieved a total of 12 eggs!! I was truly amazed, considering my follie sizes on Wednesday. I was then immediately curious as to how many might actually fertilize, but tried to put it out of my mind so I didn't go nuts.

Well, my fertilization answer came this morning.... 10! TEN!! DH and I started jumping up and down and high-fiving when that phone call came. Now the next step... will they continue to grow? I'll know tomorrow, but as of right now, we have 10 little ones. I can't believe it. Since I have never been pregnant for one second in my entire life, I really thought there could be an egg/fertilization issue. I know the numbers can still change a lot, but I am still happy about the initial results.

Anyway, the egg retrieval yesterday was actually much easier than I anticipated. I actually could have gone into work, but decided to just take the day. I didn't post yesterday because I got involved in doing things around the house that I just usually don't have time for during the week, making phone calls (you know, the kind where you have to wait on hold for 15 minutes and speak to 3 different people - a real pain to do during work), etc. Then DH and I went out to dinner to celebrate our dozen eggs.

So, for the retrieval, DH and I arrived at 6:30am at RE's office (I shall now refer to my RE as Dr. M. I decided he is cool enough - a while ago - to get a title besides the generic 'My RE'.) Anyway, I just had to fill out the paperwork for the anesthesiologist, pay for the anesthesiologist, and then I was taken to another room. DH asked if he could go along but that's when I had to get prepped and he had to stay in the waiting area.

'Prepped' was basically just taking off my clothes, putting them in a locker, putting on a gown, hair net thing, and booties, and going to the bathroom one last time. I walked out of the locker room/prep area and sat down for a minute, and then just a few minutes later went into what looked like a mini operating room. There was a square opening on one wall, and you could see into the lab area on the other side. They told me that after they retrieve the eggs, they hand them over to the lab, right through that opening. Pretty cool. I then lay on the table while they hooked up up to monitors and an IV, and then put little tubes in my nose. I then received some very nice drugs that made me feel pretty mellow and happy. :-) I schooched down and my legs were propped up in something like a stirrup, except my calves actually lay on the contraption instead of my heels. I remember looking up at the ceiling, and then the next thing I knew, I was being helped up off the table.

I was assisted into the recovery area, which was actually the first area I sat down in after changing before the procedure. They commented on how well I was walking. I felt a little 'out of it' but not too bad. This was about 7:25am, because DH looked at the clock - just as I was sitting down in the recovery area and putting my legs up in what felt like the kind of recliner I wouldn't mind sitting in all the time at home. He only peeked in for a moment because he was being led into the 'sample room.' I guess they wait to make sure they actually get eggs before they have him do anything else. Poor DH - I can't imagine having to do that right there at the office! Our IUI samples were always done at home because the office is so close.

As I was sitting there, before DH came back in, they told me how many eggs they retrieved and I would have jumped if I still wasn't a little woozy! Then DH came in and I have to say, I felt pretty ok. Maybe slightly 'out of it' but not bad at all. I then asked the IVF coordinator to review the PIO shot procedure with DH. Then, by 7:50am, I was leaving the office! They didn't rush me at all, I could have stayed longer but I felt fine. They did say that I recovered faster than most people. Dr. M did say before I left that I was to stay out of the gym! Believe it or not, he goes to the same gym as I do and I have bumped into him before! Oh darn, I have a valid excuse to not exercise. ;-)

I felt rather crampy the rest of the day and took some Tylenol. Actually, the worst pain was in my throat! They mentioned before retrieval that I would be breathing on my own, but maybe they put a tube down your throat anyway once you are unconscious? I tell you, my throat just felt scratchy and dry all day. I can still feel a little bit, over 24 hours later. However, I actually couldn't believe that I felt find except for the crampiness and sore throat. I guess about 1pm yesterday I suddenly became very tired and zoned out for about an hour. Then the phone rang and I felt fine again.

When I went to change later to go out to dinner, I noticed something else - thank goodness Dr. M. told me about this in advance. My post retrieval puffy middle! My pants were super tight around my waist - my abdomen was (and still is!) as puffy as can be! I was pretty bloated before retrieval, and Dr. M. told me not to be alarmed if I became bigger in the days following the retrieval. In fact, he said some people feel like they need to wear maternity clothes! Now, that's a bit of an exaggeration but I'm certainly not going to be wearing anything that's form fitting around my middle this weekend, and elastic waistbands are my best friends right now. I probably sound incredibly vain, but I'm not - and I'm not complaining - I just get ancy sometimes because I have struggled with weight my whole life. While I am currently not overweight, (I am a lifetime Weight Watchers member - yes, the program does work!) it's a constant battle (thus me going to the gym a lot and bumping into Dr. M.) which makes me more conscious of my puffy middle, especially since that is one of the main places where my fat decides to hang out. Trust me though, I'll be loving my big middle when it's related to pregnancy!

I think DH was more nervous about the PIO shot than I was. I got the needle ready last night and told him not to worry - just stick it in! I was surprised how little it hurt. The shots I had to give myself in my actually stomach hurt more. I start proges. suppositories tonight, and I have to use those twice day, and have the PIO shot every night. (and I thought taking less than half this amount of proges was bad - hoo boy, this is going to be fun!) I am also taking Doxc.ycline, Eastra.diol and Me.drol.

I find out tomorrow how our embies are doing, and will find out if it will be a 3 day transfer (Monday) or if things look good enough for a 5 day transfer (Wednesday). Dr. M. said they only freeze 5 day embies and I really hope to have some to freeze. Now it's time to wait for the next phone call..... is it Sunday yet?!?!

Guess How Many Eggs

2008-01-24T16:19:00.000-05:00

I triggered last night at 7:04pm exactly, and I am supposed to be at my RE's office at 6:30am tomorrow.

Ok, let's make this fun! I have no idea how many eggs they'll get tomorrow. I've read some blogs where they're getting 16-20 eggs and I'm jealous! :-) I had 16 follies as of yesterday, but only half, at most, will probably be mature.

I am guessing they will get seven eggs, which may be a little too optimistic, but that's my guess! So... how many eggs do YOU think they'll get? Don't be afraid to post a low number. This is just for fun!

My Eggs are Ready

2008-01-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment with my RE yesterday and today. I didn't write down my follicle sizes yesterday. My estrogen level was skyrocketing so I was told to actually decrease the amount of Breve.lle I took last night. This morning, the follicles sizes were:

Right: 19, 18, 16, 16, 15, 15, 13, 9, 7, 6mm

Left: 17, 13, 11, 9, 8, 6mm

Gee, looks like my left side decided not to do sh*t the past two days! Only one follicle really grew! Hrmph. I was rather disappointed in the growth on the left ovary, but my RE was pretty enthusiastic and said that this was a great cycle and that I would be ready for my HCG trigger tonight and they would retrieve eggs Friday morning. I'm still feeling less than thrilled - out of 16 follicles, it looks like I may get at the most, 7 eggs.... 8 if I am super lucky and one of the 13's grow a little before my HCG shot this evening and produce a mature egg. I know it's technically possible to have a mature egg in a 14mm follicle, but it's not that likely.

I really expected the left side to have 3 or 4 mature follies by this point. I've been taking injections since Jan 11 (and oh boy, does my abdomen feel it! My pants are tight!!) So now I wonder... at most 7 eggs, usually they don't all fertilize, so let's say I'm lucky and at least 5 do, but then only 2 or 3 embryos grow...I guess I can't really think about that. I still don't know if my eggs will even fertilize! I will be on pins and needles until Saturday morning.

I was told that I will probably get to my RE's office (they do everything right there, which is nice) around 6am, but they would call me with an exact time later today after they speak to the anesthesiologist and get the results of this morning's blood work. My RE said that I should not plan on going to work at all on Friday, even though I should be on my way home by 8:30am. I thought perhaps I could make it in for half a day, but decided to just let people at work know that I won't be in on Friday. I told them I was having a minor surgical procedure - obviously I am not saying exactly what is going on. Luckily I have been able to get to my appointments each morning and be back within an hour and I just don't take a lunch break. Sometimes I don't think people notice I am gone... thank goodness my job is flexible, and I work in a cubicle :) So, I don't think anyone realizes that I have been to the Dr. every single day this week!

Of course, people might notice if I start writing long blog entries instead of finding software bugs! More later!

IVF - My Partying Follies

2008-01-21T14:09:00.000-05:00

I am so mad that Green Bay lost yesterday :-( Dang it. I was really REALLY hoping they would win – I didn’t think the Giants (UGH!) would beat them. When the Giant’s kicker missed the easy field goal to put the game into overtime, I literally jumped onto DH, screaming happily. The entire bar was going nuts since most were rooting for GB. Obviously, that joy was short lived… and if you didn’t watch the game, you’re probably wondering what the hell I am talking about.
Oh wait, this isn’t a football blog, is it?

I really can’t figure out why I have not been into the good ol’ blogging thang recently. You would think I’d be posting daily since I’ve entered the world of IVF.

Here’s the quick and dirty update: I’ve been on Brave.lle and Mena.pur since January 11. Started at 300 amps of Brave.lle, and have been upped to 450. Mena.pur has stayed at 150 amps. Just started Ganirel.ix this Saturday.

Follicle growth has been a little slower than I expected. As of last Friday (Jan. 18) I had about 13 follicles but the biggest was only 10. My left ovary has been taking a break too – only four on the left side. This happened on my last medicated cycle in November ’07 – all the follies were on the right. And, when my RE checked my follies during the IVF mock transfer in December (no meds) the one follicle was on the right. (yes, natural ovulation!) Prior to that, the left side was keeping up with the right. While my RE says nothing indicates that my age has affected things at this point, I have to wonder, as my 37th birthday approaches, if things are slowing down. Grrrr.

Anyway, my lower abdomen just started getting rather bloated over the weekend, and I thought that I had better see a big follicle party going on at my checkup today. Well, it seems as if there really was a party going on because I now have 16 follicles. The sizes are as follows:

Right:15, 15, 13, 12, 10, 10, 10, 10, 7, 6

Left: 13, 13, 11, 9, 6, 5

Even my lefty follies were partying this weekend! Obviously, the 5 and 6 ones probably won’t be mature by retrieval day. My RE still wanted to move things along which is why my Brave.lle injection was increased. I go back tomorrow, and egg retrieval is probably going to be Friday, possibly Saturday depending on how fast the follies plan on growing.

I made it clear to my RE at the beginning of this cycle that I would really like to have embryos to freeze if possible. I have no idea if I can carry a pregnancy and I would really like some frosties in case this first round does not work. And if things do work this time…. then we can try and have more kids without another full IVF cycle.

I am extremely curious to see how my eggs fertilize. Since my condition is completely unexplained, and I have never been pregnant for even one second, I don’t know if my eggs just don’t fertilize, or they do fertilize but just don’t implant.

I was very upset when AF arrived right before the New Year and I knew I was about embark on IVF. I’ve since gotten over that and accepted things. I visit my RE again tomorrow.

The Witch Has Arrived

2007-12-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

AF arrived - one day later than usual - just enough to give me hope. How stupid of me to be hopeful. I guess it seems odd to think that I would get pregnant unassisted this month (except for progesterone support) but since I ovulate normally, I figured it was possible. Now I start BC pills to gear up for IVF.

I am so pissed off for so many reasons at the moment that I don't have anything else to say right now (though I am almost done the post about acupuncture which I kept promising to write!)

I am off to watch my football team play their last game of the season (they didn't make the playoffs) and try not to start crying suddenly (which has been happening all morning) and get salty tears in my beer.

She Lives!

2007-12-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays to all.
(I started this post on Dec 22, my pc crashed and I just now got back to finishing it! Let's hear it for auto-save in blogs)

My dream is to be the designated driver for EVERYONE on New Year's Eve.

I never meant to let almost two months go by between posts. First, I am not pregnant. I didn't suddenly get a BFP and stop posting. I was not ill. I just stopped posting - not sure why. I pretty much stopped reading blogs too - maybe in the back of my mind I thought not reading/posting would magically get me pregnant. Hey, weirder things have happened....

I'll quickly summarize the past two months, and go into more details in later posts. Really, I will. There will be posts, I promise. I really mean it! And I need to check in on the blogs I so rudely stopped reading...

November: Meds, IUI, extra BDing as backup, even used preseed, continued acupuncture. BFN.

Read a few blogs and see some devastating news in three of them and wonder why bad luck seems to strike the same people over and over. Stopped reading blogs.

A person I know IRL who I had hoped to be pregnant with at the same time becomes pregnant. (I'll explain later why I don't say exactly who she is. She is not a blogger.) RE still thinks I could try another medicated cycle. Decide to go ahead and start IVF process.

December: No meds or IUI this month. Have IVF consult. Have all sorts of 'fun' with insurance stuff... thinking there is great news one minute, to bad news the next, back to good news... more details on that later. (I hope the information I provide regarding insurance in my posts in the next few days can help someone else.) Still continue acupuncture.

December 11: Have a 'mock transfer' to get ready for IVF in Jan. Have BC pills in my posession. IVF meds scheduled to start Jan 11. RE checks my follicles while I am there for mock transfer. Have one nice follie on right ovary - size is 14. RE tells me I should ovulate within the next few days and to start progesterone on Dec 15, just in case. OPK next days indicates LH surge. BD w/preseed (just in case...) Dec 12, 13, 14.

Waiting for AF, who should arrive any moment.

Sorry for the very brief and clinical post. I wanted to get something up.

Back in Blog Land!

2007-10-29T21:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the complete lack of posts recently - there have been a few reasons for this, which I will detail later. (really! I really really will!) I haven't posted or really read other blogs since my last post. This wasn't planned, but it worked out that way. Since it would now be 15dpo as I write this, people may wonder what my status is. Well it isn't 15dpo. It is now CD2. Another BFN this month, as was indicated by the very punctual AF. And yes, I was very upset about the BFN, but have sinced calmed down. I just don't get it - how is it that I ovulate fine, my cycle is regular (luteal phase is exactly the same each month, almost to the hour!), tubes are clear, no one can find anything wrong, but I never get a BFP? I don't get it! Can someone please find out what the hell is going on? Argh! I know I did not have an IUI this month, but I really don't think that would have made a difference.

I will post tomorrow and finally talk a little about my acupuncture, the reason behind my lack of posts (nothing major - had to do with my mood(s) and other things I vowed to do before posting again), and what I am doing this month. Saw my RE yesterday and already started this month's meds. Anyway, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on, so if you are reading this and I usually comment on your blog and have not recently, I just haven't been in blog land much.

The Past Week in a Big Nutshell!

2007-10-18T05:47:00.001-04:00

I really got behind in updates last week and then the NY/Wedding/Football/Trigger-and-kick-people-out-of-the-hotel-so-I-can-get-knocked-up weekend put me farther behind. I brought my laptop but never logged on, which for me is a major miracle - 3 days and no computer or Internet. Usually, a 3 day Internet 'dry spell' never occurs by choice.

Anyway, I am going to give a super brief overview of the past week, and will elaborate in later posts this week - after I finish catching up on reading and commenting on other blogs, (I wish I was reading more good news...) which I still haven't done. Started, but not finished.

SUMMARY:

Thurs., 10/11 - Last Re appointment for this cycle. Follicle sizes:
16, 16, 15, 13 (and a bunch of smaller ones)

RE told me to take one final gonal.f shot that morning. Was told to trigger Fri. night. DH and I were to have our 'fun time' on Fri. night, Sun. morning, and Mon. morning. (again, no IUI this cycle b/c RE was going to a major fertility conference in D.C.) Had first acupuncture visit - it went well (again, I will go into details in later posts)

Fri., 10/12 - Walked around NY all day - had a blast. Triggered that night (very late) DH and I were in the Irish Pub at the hotel with my SIL, (her husband did not arrive until Sat.) and ran upstairs to the room for the fun and then came back down! (SIL stayed in bar with other people attending the wedding and covered for us when people asked where we were) DH and I then told SIL she had to play 'guess the bed.' ;-)

Sat., 10/13 - Hung out and then went to the wedding, which was awesome.

Sun., 10/14 - What fun - Morning - SIL out of room, her husband in the shower... and guess what we did. Yep. DH joked with SIL and her husband the night before about it - luckily they have known what we've been going through since the beginning. In fact, my SIL recommended the RE I go to because she knew people who had gone to him. Anyway, we did bolt the door and told SIL's hubby to stay the hell in the shower. How romantic! Actually, DH and I were cracking up because the whole thing was just so comical. Anyway, we got the job done and we all headed off to the football game. Good time was had by all. Football rules.

Mon., 10/15 - 1dpo - Followed the RE's orders, and kicked off the 2ww. Oh - and I tried Pre-Seed for the first time. Hoped to have it before the weekend, but it arrived Friday after we left (figures) Had second acupuncture appointment. Found out one of his patients who started acupuncture in the same stage of her cycle (doing meds and IUI) just this month is already pregnant, even though she had just started the acupuncture. Said he's been on a positive streak recently. Hoping to keep that streak alive....

So that puts me at 4dpo today. Next acupuncture appointment is tomorrow.

Hey! I'm Still Here!

2007-10-10T12:42:00.000-04:00

It's been almost a week since I posted anything or made my usual blog 'rounds' - I can't believe it's been that long! I'll post a quick update and then go see what's been happening with everyone else.

I have seen my RE twice this week - today and Monday. DH was able to go with me one of the times. He had been wanting to go to an appointment with me for a while, just to kind of see everything. My RE just happened to be the one doing the actual ultrasound that day so he was very nice and showed DH all the wonders of my uterus. DH had met my RE briefly before because we ran into him at the gym a few weeks ago! Yes, believe it or not, my RE happens to go to the same gym as we do and recognized me and actually came over and said hello! I don't even live in a small town so it's pretty funny to just run into my RE like that. Anyhooo.....

So, it still looks like there will be no IUI this month since my RE will be away. So far, there has been no follicle drama - this month, unlike other months, the follies decided to behave and not all grow together at the exact same rate, causing all sorts of fiddling with my injectible doses to try and get some of them to back off. As of this morning, the sizes are... (drum roll)....

Right: 14, 12, 11
Left: 13, 11, 10, 10

Both the left and right had some other smaller follies also. My RE didn't seem concerned about the ones that were 10, but did tell me to lower my gonal.f dose slightly this evening, though that could change when the results of my bloodwork come back later today. I'm guessing that the 12, 13, and 14 follies and maybe one of the 11's will be large enough at trigger time (which I am guessing might be Saturday or Sunday... still not sure) I am only on CD 10, so it could even be Monday. My RE will be gone from this Friday through Tuesday (which is why there will be no IUI) so he probably wouldn't want me to go all the way to Monday and trigger without seeing me some time in between, but it's hard to know. I do have one more appointment tomorrow at 9am, so I guess he will tell me the trigger time and the exact times to go have some fun with DH.

Should be interesting, trying to schedule the 'fun time'... DH and I are leaving Friday to go to New York for the day We have a wedding to attend in that area on Saturday evening, and his SIL is the matron of honor. She and her husband are also going with us, but will be going to the rehearsal dinner and such on Friday. We all share a hotel room for Friday and Saturday night. ("hey, guys, go for a walk or something!! We have some business to take care of!") Then on Sunday, all four of us are going to the Eagles vs Jets game! So I hope we don't have to be doing something Sunday afternoon or early evening because I am not quite sure how well that would work at the Meadowlands......

Lastly, I have my first acupuncture appointment on Thursday afternoon. I don't expect to get any results from the acupuncture for this cycle, but if this cycle is a bust, I will have some acupuncture apoointments under my belt and can continue through the next cycle. My RE did tell DH and me this week that he still thinks injectibles will do the trick and we aren't at the IVF point yet, even if this month still yields the dreaded BFN. Oh, I so hope my RE is right....

Good (and weird) Vibrations

2007-10-04T11:00:00.000-04:00

Had my first scan for this cycle yesterday (CD3). I was in a different room than usual, and the ultrasound machine was a little different. The most noticeable difference, besides the lack of a little monitor where I could gaze at my glorious ovaries, was the ever so slightly vibrating wand.

Yeah, I said it. It was vibrating a little. Now don't worry - this isn't going to suddenly get X-rated (unless you want it to! who votes for X-rated IF Blog?!) It was just weird - ok, let's just put it this way:

Vibrating wand during ultrasound = creepy.
Different type of vibrating wand not during ultrasound = not creepy.

I mean, was it malfunctioning or did some genius think a vibrating wand-cam during an ultrasound would be relaxing?

My RE poked his head in the door after the assistant was done with the porno-wand and said, “I’m embarrassed to show my face.” due to my very non-pregant condition. He then came in and said quickly, “We’ll get this. I won’t quit – don’t you quit!” I assure him that quitting had not crossed my mind. Everything was fine, and I started 150 gonal.f last night. Here’s the interesting part … I may not do an IUI this cycle.

My RE said that he was going to be at a meeting from Friday, October 12 through Tuesday, October 16 and would not be in the office at all and thus, could not do the IUI if my IUI date fell on one of those dates. (His assistants/nurses and such do not do those procedures) The 12th-16th is day CD12-16 for me. My IUI last time was around CD 18, but that cycle was longer because of the varying does of meds, trying to get some follies to back off, etc. I would still do the IUI if it was before or after those dates, though I’m positive my follies won’t be ready by next week. He assured me that he would monitor me right up through the 11th. I guess at that point he might have an idea as to when I would be ready to trigger – the only downside is that he wouldn’t be able to ‘fiddle’ with my doses. He explained that he would tell us exactly what day/time DH and I would need to ‘get together’ if there was no IUI.

Heh heh. That weekend we are going to be at a wedding – we are staying overnight Friday and Sat and possibly sharing a hotel room with DH’s sister and BIL. Luckily, they know what we’ve been doing – they are just about the only people we’ve told and they have to be two of the coolest people on earth. So I guess they’ll understand if we boot them out of the room for a bit. Watch - I’ll probably wind up needing to do the trigger shot right in the middle of the reception or something. This time I will be VERY CAREFUL.

Anyway, my RE (I need to call him something else besides ‘my RE’ Hmm…) said if I wanted to sit this cycle out he would understand, but felt that a lack of an IUI would not decrease my chances of getting pregnant, since DH’s count has always been fine. I will of course still do an IUI if it so happens that my follies are not ready until after he gets back.

I decided to go ahead with the injectibles even with the possibility of no IUI, since I’m certainly not getting any younger. I then thought how cool it would be if it worked this time around and I could actually say I got pregnant from actual sex – wow!!

See, I need to have a much better attitude this month – a true attitude change, not just a “I pretend to be chipper while I am miserable inside” type change.

I thought about this over the past few days. I was very negative the past few cycles, and I guess it’s hard not to be, considering the results so far. Also, having a lot of hope and then those hopes being erased really hits me hard. I despise that feeling – it crushes me, much more so than if I have a negative outlook ahead of time. It’s bad enough when I am not all full of hope and things don’t work out, because of course, I do have some hope tucked in the back of my mind. But I become a real mess when I am optimistic and then get knocked down. But I can’t be like that… over and over again I read how negativity, for some reason, can affect fertility. If I’m willing to have things stuck in me and up me all month, willing to spend $1000 on injectibles, I certainly should be willing to try an attitude change.

I also think it’s more than just getting upset about fertility issues – I can just be too emotional, even in a ‘good’ way. Example: watching football – I’m screaming and jumping up and down more so than most people – especially the females. And I probably look like an idiot – a 36 year old jumping up and high fiving people, screaming “Yeaaaaah babeeee!!” or “Get him, GET HIM – what the &!%^! was that?!” or slamming her hands on the table when her team messes up (like they did last week!!) Luckily DH is the same way and he likes that I get into things, but you know, if it stresses my body somehow…..so I really want to be just more “mellow” in general, which brings me to my next point.

Acupuncture. I went to my appointment, ready to ask RE if he could recommend someone. But first, I asked him if there is something else I should do. He has already assured me that my exercise level is fine (I do weights and cardio regularly) and my weight is fine (though I am not where I want to be - it’s always a constant struggle, but that’s a whole other entry). I do drink some coffee, (not a ton) and I do drink some alcohol (but never when there is a possibility of an implanted embryo). I know many women have stopped caffeine and any alcohol completely – maybe I need to do that. He said no, that should not be having any affect, and then, interestingly enough, before I had a chance to ask, he brought up acupuncture! He said he’s seen some very interesting results in patients and that he knew of someone if I was interested. Perfect! So I need to call and set up an appointment.

I am not expecting a miracle. Even if acupuncture helps, I know it is not and instantaneous result. But instead of thinking “Oh great, no IUI, this is horrible, it’s unfair” I’m thinking “Hey, maybe I’ll wind up pregnant without the use of a catheter! Ooohh.. and I save $ too!” And if it doesn’t work – well, there’s next month.

I still don't want to hear "Just relax" from fertile people!!! I don't care if I am trying to relax a little. If 'relaxing' was the only answer I would have been knocked up by March 2006.

See? The title "Good (and weird) Vibrations" wasn't just about the wand!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to truly "mellow out"? Without the use of wine or medication ;-)

No Fun on CD1

2007-10-01T15:03:00.000-04:00

Let me start out by saying that I have been reading some very tragic IF blog entries this past week or so. Shattered hopes. Completely unfair outcomes. It makes my situation look like a party. It makes me sad and even more PO'd at life, the universe... people should be subjected to this.

I canceled the beta I had scheduled for tomorrow and have an appointment for Wednesday morning. Assuming there are no cysts, its back to the well-known routine of jabbing myself with needles while my ovaries produce lots of follicles that apparently spit out dud eggs. Or eggs that don’t get along w/ DH’s boys. Or eggs with an extra thick shell. Hell I don’t know.

Other than my short luteal phase which has long since been corrected, there has been no sign of any other problem. I should be thrilled, right?

Guess what? I’m not. Why? Because if there is no problem found, there is no answer to the question ‘Why can I not get pregnant?’ Without an answer, I will never have closure. Without an answer, there will never be a month where I don’t try, even if it’s just DIY method (do-it-yourself) because I'll think there is always the chance - remote as it may be - that I will become pregnant. I will never just 'relax' and 'forget about trying to get pregnant'.

If the end result is that I cannot have biological children, I want to know WHY. If I at least have a reason, even though the end result still sucks, I can maybe move forward more easily. Or if magically, some angel could come down and just tell me that I will never be pregnant... or that I will be pregnant, but not for another 3 months, 6 months, a year - whatever.

I know there has to be something causing this – I do not believe that at this point, it’s within the ‘normal’ range of failure. Maybe it is, if my short luteal phase prior to starting progesterone in June would have hindered any chance of pregnancy. (oh WHY didn’t I start looking things up earlier so I realized that a 9-10 day LP was too short last year? All those months, wasted…) If that is the case, then do I then assume I should only count my efforts since June? My RE is going to just love me on Wednesday because I am certainly going to be asking questions.

Anyway, there has to be something else wrong – but what? Egg/sper.m incompatibility? A uterus that won’t let anything implant? Old eggs?

Old eggs… have I mentioned that based on my gene pool, I should have super eggs at the age of 36? Oh yes! My mom (who has been so absolutely wonderful and supportive through this) is very involved with genealogy, so she has a history of people in my family and what age they were when they had kids, etc. No one was a ‘baby-machine’ – not a lot of HUGE families. But get this…The five generations before me – that would be back to my great-great-great grandmother – all became pregnant when they were over 39! One was 44!! No one, obviously, underwent fertility treatments.

Now what are the odds?! I mean, come on…. Back to my great-great-great grandmother?!? This makes me wonder WHY even more.

Am I making sense?

I did learn this month that symptoms or lack thereof mean nothing. After the day 7-8 phantom symptoms, there was nothing. Nada. Every other month I had a very sore chest. Last month my abdomen had a basketball inside plus the sore chest. (that sounds like I had a sore chest in my abdomen, doesn’t it?) Anyway, the end result is always the same. AF on dpo14.

I should have more faith. People tell me to have more faith. I read other IF blogs written by women who still have faith after being hit over and over with devastating news. Why can’t I have more faith? Why do I instead look up and tell the man upstairs that I am royally PO’d? Actually, my wording is a little less pleasant…if points were given out for faith, I would probably have zero right now.

Is it asking too much…

…to want to have biological children with the man I met at age 14? The man I was reunited with at age 32. The man who I have years of memories with from when we were teenagers, and now again, as adults. The man who would make such a great dad.

…to want my parents to have grandchildren? I’m their only child.

…to want to at least know the physical reason behind my IF, so I can come to terms with it and move on, and not wonder every month for the rest of my life (until menopause) if perhaps, by some miracle, this month it ‘worked’?

…to at least have the desire to have children go away if I just wasn’t meant to conceive, so I can again, move on?

I guess maybe it is.

Red.

2007-09-30T17:11:00.000-04:00

You get the picture.

As always - 13dpiui - which is today - I see just a little bit of AF. Tomorrow should be official CD 1.

Yeah - my body is so regular and so responsive to meds. Does things nicely every month - except get pregnant.

I can finally write something w/out crying.

White.

2007-09-28T05:49:00.000-04:00

11dpiui. POAS. Negative. As usual.

Phantom Symptoms, Dreams and Whining.

2007-09-26T19:31:00.001-04:00

This post is just me basically being a whiney brat. I have nothing of substance to offer.

Thank you for finally going away, phantom pregnancy symptoms, brought on by mean ol' progesteron.e.

I was going out of my mind the past two days. Today is 9dpiui... guess what I felt at 7dpiui? Mild headache, nausea and a lot of heaviness and cramping. Implantation? Most likely another cruel joke, courtesy of progesteron.e. I had the same thing last month. Oh, and I had heartburn and my face suddenly broke out too. These phantom symptoms just made it harder to NOT think about things. It's hard to not obsess when your body keeps saying 'Hey! This is what it might be like if you could actually get your eggs to cooperate - but you can't! HAHAHA!'

It gets better. Yesterday, 8dpiui, some more heaviness and cramping, though less intense, bad headache, heartburn, and the desire to cry every 10 seconds - mainly because I'm so sure this cycle is another bust. I actually started getting really pissed off - so much so that I started writing down my 'symptoms' on a piece of paper followed by a string of expletives. Now that's certainly mature and productive, isn't it?

Did I forget to mention the vivid dreams the past three nights? Of course I looked that up and found all these google entries about vivid dreams and pregnancy. Last night was the 'best' - the dream included me POAS and seeing two lines! I was excited! Then in my dream I thought 'Wait, maybe I made a mistake' and then I looked again and the lines were still there, then it's almost like I knew I was dreaming - in my dream - and that the lines weren't real. Lots of fun.

Thankfully, all phantom symptoms are gone today so I didn't have the 2ww on my mind the entire day.

Don't ask me why I am so sure this is another BFN month. Maybe it's to try and minimize the sting when AF shows up late in the day Sun. This is my second IUI w/injectables. I had two IUIs w/Clomid. There appears to be nothing wrong w/me or DH. What the hell? I hate no explanations. I freaking hate it. If I can't get pregnant I want to know WHY.

And if I see another ad for the damn "Knocked Up" DVD I'm going to break the TV.

Maybe I should sit down and relax with a glass of wine - oh wait, can't do that in case I'm pregnant. What a joke.

(and no, I'm not going to have a glass of wine, just in case)

Tired of the 2ww already at 7dpiui

2007-09-24T06:23:00.000-04:00

Ah, the half point mark of the 2ww torture. I can’t even obsess about symptoms of any kind because I know the sneaky progesteron.e mimics pregnancy symptoms. Last month I had everything – a larger, (ugh!) sensitive chest, all sorts of abdominal twinges, starting around day 8 - almost like implantation twinges! Now that’s just cruel, evil progesterone.e!! By 11dpiui my abdomen felt like there was a basketball in it. I even had heartburn. I didn’t have any false hope though since I POAS on day 12 and saw nothing but white, white, white. AF just started to show on day 13, so it had to be the progesterone.e. Canceled the day 14 beta I had scheduled. So, any symptoms just annoy me since I figure it’s just progesterone.e – if the symptoms were from pregnancy, I would love them! Bring on the bloating, soreness, everything!

I have no idea what this cycle will bring. I am scared to death of a BFN, but I have to get myself ready for it. I am scared because as each month goes by, I get older – I’ll be 37 in a little over 5 months. RE said in one of my first visits that my age has not yet affected my fertility, based on my response to meds. But that doesn’t mean my eggs are necessarily up to par. I’ve never had any type of pregnancy – chemical, anything. That makes me think there is an egg-level issue.
I’m just not happy right now. I’m a lot more emotional that I have been during this time in other cycles. (wait – is that a symptom?!? (smacking self) stop it!) I even POAS shortly after the HCG shot(s). Why? Because I wanted to see two pink lines for once in my life, even if I knew it wasn’t from being pregnant. I know that’s weird, and already assumes that I won’t ever be seeing those 2 wonderful lines, which is not the right attitude.

On Saturday, I went to small get-together. There were six other females there, of which five had multiple children. Now, I already knew there would be a lot of kids at the gathering, which was no problem. I didn’t become silently miserable until I found out two of the five were pregnant again. The other female there had sadly lost a pregnancy early in the year and she was happy and doing fine, so I told myself to stop being such a wussy.

Oh, did I mention that I will no longer have a job in 2 weeks? That makes me even more cheerful. I shouldn’t really moan about it – I was not surprised. I am a sub-contactor, and the company just received unexpected funding cuts. So, quite a few people here are going to be out of work – even some full-time employees. The company that that subs me out to other places is very cool, and is already working on finding me a ‘home’ somewhere else. I just happen to really like my job here. I do have a small ‘at home’ business that generates a little extra money - and the type of business is somewhat ironic, considering my situation. I’ll talk about that some other time.

The Sponge.

2007-09-21T11:52:00.000-04:00

I found out this week that my dental hygienist became pregnant while using the contraceptive sponge. Isn’t that exciting?

Perhaps I should elaborate and explain why this is relevant to anything at all ;-)

I had my standard 6 month dental visit this week. The hygienist was someone I had not had before. She was probably in her 50’s, maybe? She has a daughter in college – anyway, before she started she asked me if I was taking any medications. I paused because I just stopped the injections and was going to start the progesterone.e, and then thought those probably were not relevant. However, by that point I had paused long enough that it would have seemed odd if I said ‘No’. So I said matter-of-factly that this probably wasn’t relevant but I was undergoing some fertility assistance. Now, I knew that by saying that I might get questions, but I said it in such a ‘clinical’ way that I hoped there would be no discussion.

What was I thinking? Of course there was going to be a discussion! She said right away ‘Oh, is it working?’ I said no, not yet. Then she said that ‘you never know what might happen.’ As she started her next statement, I thought maybe she had undergone some type of fertility treatment. Ummm… no, quite the opposite. She announced ‘Yes, you never know – I mean, I got pregnant while using the sponge! Remember the sponge?’

Now THAT was not something I was expecting to hear. It might have been less amusing sounding if she had said ‘while on the pill’ or ‘while using condoms’. Well, at least I didn’t feel like I had gotten too personal by mentioning the fertility stuff!

Ok, now, before I go any further, I will say that her comments did not upset me. Maybe I would have felt different if that had been a day that AF had arrived, or if I had been undergoing treatments for a longer time, but the way she said things – it was almost in such an innocent, amusing way that it didn’t bother me. Plus, I could have just kept my fat trap shut about things in the first place.

So anyway, she announced her sponge pregnancy, and all I could think of was that her husband must have been sponge worthy. (any Seinfeld fans out there?) She then explained how it was her and her husband’s second marriage, they were going to wait a year before deciding whether to have kids or not, and then 5 months later she found out she was 2 months pregnant.

‘So, you see,’ she said, ‘You really never know what can happen!’

I guess I don’t have to explain why this is NOT a good example to use when trying to give a pep talk to someone who can’t get pregnant. ‘Hey, you can’t get pregnant, but don’t worry! I got pregnant while trying to totally avoid it! Don’t you feel better?’

I couldn’t say too much since she was cleaning my teeth.

As it turned out, it may have been relevant to mention the fertility treatment. She mentioned that my gums seemed a little tender and were bleeding a little, but it was probably due to the hormone changes – that hormone levels could affect the gum area (I never heard that before) and that I should be extra diligent with my brushing and flossing. Anyway, my dentist came in for a quick check after the cleaning was finished, and of course she announced to my dentist that I was taking fertility drugs so that’s why my gums may seem a little inflamed. At least my dentist, who happens to be female, didn’t also start asking questions – she just sort of nodded her head and let it go. (Thank you, smart, considerate dentist!)

Later that night, I started obsessing about my ovulation and the timing of everything… and the obsessive thought process came right back to the damn sponge! I was calculating when I may have ovulated and if DH’s boys would be in the area at the right time. I’m almost positive I did O on Tuesday night, based on symptoms I was having…. The HCG shot fiasco aside – assuming I O’d around 9:00pm on Sept. 17….This is my thought process:

[Start obsessive thought process]

Step 1…
Ok, there was activity with DH Sept 15, late at night. That’s less than 48 hours before O – the boys should still be there, waiting… but maybe my CM wasn’t up to par yet since I just stopped the ganireli.x on Sept 14… so maybe the boys had trouble getting through! Damn..

Step 2…
Ok, well, I had the IUI at 10:30am Sept. 17… but some places on-line said that if the boys were ‘washed’ for an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours, and some places said as little as 6 or 12 hours!!! What if they only lived 12 hours or less?! They may have died off between 10:30am and 9:00pm!!! [start panic]

Step 3…
Well, there was more activity on the morning of Sept. 18, less than 12 hours since O started… the egg lives 24 hours… but I always heard it was much better to have the boys waiting ahead of time – what if that was too late?!?

Step ^!&$!$....
I can’t believe it! I may have missed it! There was BD before and after and the IUI the day of but I probably missed the right time by a few hours! !!!!^&!$^~!#~%!#%@~#

[and back to the sponge issue] I may have missed it because of the short life span of washed boys or because of less than perfect CM, and someone with a damn sponge blocking the entryway and everything, gets pregnant? DANN IT!

[End obsessive thought process]

Yes, I know I got myself worked up over probably nothing, and if I get yet another BFN this month, it’s most likely related to something else. Or at least that is what I’m trying to tell myself.

And it’s only 4dpiui. This is going to be a long two weeks.

Me, My RE, IUI and the HCG

2007-09-17T13:29:00.000-04:00

Well, the 2WW now officially starts. I had my last ultrasound on Saturday morning, and the final sizes of the ‘Big 4’ follicles were:

(drum roll……)
18,17,16,15

There were actually two more 15’s, but apparently there is only about a 30% chance that they would mature enough to release an egg. But, since there were 3 of them, there’s a chance at least one will release. RE had me wait until Sunday morning to inject the HCG trigger so the follicles could mature a little bit more. I had my IUI at 10:30am today. I probably won’t ovulate until later this evening since it takes 36 hours after the HCG trigger, but RE said that would be fine.

Speaking of my RE – a few people have commented (and thanks again for the comments!) that their RE doesn’t do the ultrasounds, etc. My RE doesn’t do them all the time – usually an assistant does them and then he comes in afterwards and goes over the results with me. But when it gets close to the end, he tends to do one or two of the ultrasounds. This Saturday, it was only him and one nurse in the office so he did the ultrasound - their office isn’t always open on Saturdays. Anyway, I do seem him at some point at every single appointment! He always goes over everything in detail, how things are progressing, etc. I was surprised that some people barely see their RE! I figured mine might be more attentive than some, but I guess I lucked out more than I realized!

Anyway, back to the HCG trigger and the expected O time….there is a slight chance that I may not ovulate until tomorrow…. And why is that you wonder? Well, let me tell you the story of a moron (me) who has the coordination skills of … of…. Ok, I just don’t have any coordination skills.

Me = DUH.

Sunday morning – time for the trigger!! Yay! Ok, so I open the package – the syringe is already all set up – all I need to do is take it out, jam it into my thigh and press the little ‘plunger’ – same routine as always. Simple, yes? Not for me! Somehow, and don’t ask me how, because I don’t even know myself, when I took syringe out of the package, the end that you press down on… well that came off… some spilled onto the counter.

I just stood there, looking at some of my precious HCG trigger in a tiny puddle on the counter. I had the other end in my hand – I was so freaked out that I was frozen for a moment, but I did manage to keep the other end in a position so nothing else was spilling out. So I quickly jammed the needle into my thigh, grabbed the other end, put it back in and injected the rest. I inserted the needle end right away, before putting the plunger end back on because I figured more liquid would come out the needle as soon as I put it back together and I did not want to lose any more!!

Yes, this did happen. I couldn’t make up a story this idiotic.

So I sit around, silently freaking out for about two hours. It’s Sunday – I knew I couldn’t get any more medication. I knew I did inject some. I thought perhaps 2/3 of it, but then I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know whether to call my RE or what… I finally broke down and called my RE’s answering service and left a message for him to call. I figured if there was any problem maybe he would need to reschedule things, or maybe he would tell me I didn’t need the whole shot and I could stop having a heart attack. All I knew at the time was that I couldn’t concentrate on anything whatsoever. I was furious at myself – I go through all this, finally get the size and number of follicles needed, and I screw up the simple HCG shot?!?!?!? I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry.

RE called back shortly and, feeling like the ultimate brain child, I relayed the story to him. He asked how much I thought I injected and I told him, and he said that there is indeed more than you need in the shot, and I should be ok. He said he had some in the office and would normally run in and let me come get another shot, just to be on the safe side. (This guy is just so awesome!) But, he was an hour and a half away – I of course understood and never even imagined he would run into the office for me, even if he was close by! And since it was Sunday, there was really no place to get the medication because the specialty pharmacies that would carry it were closed. He said he thought I would be ok.

Ok, so that made me feel a little better, but I was pretty preoccupied all day, thinking about the situation and wanting to kick myself 500 times.

I did wind up getting a ‘backup’ shot today. When my RE came in to do the IUI, he said that I really was probably ok, but if I wanted, he would give me another HCG shot so if I hadn’t injected enough, I was covered – I would just ovulate tomorrow night at the latest. Of course, that isn’t the best timing since my IUI is today, but the boys are supposed to last at least 48 hours, right? Oh wait... just found this online.... if the boys are 'washed', which is done with an IUI, they only live 18-24 hours. Damn. I'd better ovulate today or that was a wasted IUI. I am an idiot!!!

Anyway, RE did say to make sure that there was additional activity with DH tomorrow, just in case. The only side effect would be if I had indeed injected enough, then this second shot would cause my ovaries to swell even more and I might be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable? Who cares?!? Give me the backup shot!! So as I lay there after my IUI, one of the nurses came in and gave me the shot.

Oh, and RE did say that he hadn’t run into this before (someone spilling the HCG shot) He said this in a nice way – he didn’t say it like ‘Wow, you’re a real ass. I’ve been in practice 20 years and no one has managed to do what you did.’ I of course, still felt (and still feel) like a real boob.

So I should hopefully ovulate tonight… or maybe tomorrow. (sigh) Usually I can feel it – I get pretty crampy and have a very heavy feeling in my abdomen, which then subsides. I would have posted yesterday about my IUI being today, but I just did not feel like posting – was trying not to think about how I may have messed things up. I feel a little better now that I have had the backup shot. I do hope I ovulate today – would be so much better with the IUI being this morning, but there will be activity tomorrow to cover me in case of a later O. I start my progesterone.e (ugh) on Wednesday and my beta is scheduled for October 2.

So if anyone is ever worried because a drop of the HCG came out of the needle before you injected it, don’t worry! A drop is no big deal – just don’t spill it on the counter!!

The Details of My Follicles

2007-09-14T14:58:00.000-04:00

I am so sure everyone is just dying to know all about my follicles. ;-)

Well, things are plugging along… I expected to be ready for the IUI by now (today is cd15) but my follicles aren’t quite big enough yet. Here’s the scoop:

I had an appointment with RE yesterday, Sept. 13. My estrogen level had dropped, he said, because of the decreased gonal.f dosage (to try and keep too many follicles from becoming mature so I don’t release 8 eggs) and the ganireli.x, and he was a little concerned that it may have had an adverse effect on follicle development. He said that sometimes happens, and then the cycle is a bust (argh! I don’t want to hear that!) Anyway, the follicle growth had slowed, but not to the point of a ‘cycle bust.’ In fact, what we hoped would happen was happening – four of the ‘Big 8’ backed off and four continued to get larger. So, the ‘Big 4’ sizes were:

Right: 15, 15
Left: 16, 15

Alright!! But, he said to come back in for another check up the next day (which was today) because I wasn’t quite ready for the hcg trigger yet. Oh well - I had hoped the IUI could have been Saturday, but no big deal I guess.

Later on, I received a call from the nurse at the RE’s office. After reviewing my bloodwork, he wanted me to take 225 of the gonal.f in the evening! The biggest dose I ever had was 150. I guess he wanted to start moving those follies along now that some had backed off. So, I took my two shots and went back this morning for another follie look-see.

The follicle sizes didn’t change a whole lot, except one more started catching up a bit. I did not write down the sizes this time, but RE said there were 4, and now possibly 5 that would were about ready, but not quite yet….. and could I come back in tomorrow? (Sat.) He apologized for ‘micro managing’ this cycle, but said that things were ‘so close’ to being optimal that he didn’t want to trigger too early, or wind up with too many follicles and have to cancel, etc. Hey, I don’t mind - who wouldn’t want a RE who is this attentive?! Based on the sizes of everything this month compared to last, I am even more positive than ever that I triggered too early last month.

Sooo…. The nurse from the office just called and I am supposed to take 125 of the gonal.f tonight (which is actually 112.5 – the pen doesn’t have a 125 setting) and of course the ‘you better not ovulate on your own!’ ganireli.x shot. My appointment is at 8am tomorrow and my IUI is now probably going to be Monday or Tuesday.

I’ll close this entry with a little embarrassing ultrasound moment. Yesterday, I kind of had to go to the bathroom, but not terribly, while at my appointment. I went to go and then they called me in, and since it was no where near an emergency, I didn’t bother to go. So I’m laying there in the ‘position’, here comes the wand… and then RE says ‘So, your bladder is a little full….’

Uhhh… yeah. I feel my face turning red. I say I don’t have to go that badly… and uh, he can tell? Oh yeah, he said, there are no secrets with this thing. I then got to see the dark area on the ultrasound monitor that represented my wonderful bladder. Apparently it was full enough to be pressing on my uterus and was in the way a little. (I really didn’t have to go that bad! Honest!) I don’t know why I was so thoroughly embarrassed – obviously this is miniscule compared to the things he’s seen. For some reason though, I felt like such a doofus!! Like a little kid who was afraid to use the toilet or something.

I made sure to go the bathroom just moments before today’s appointment!

It's hard to come up with a title today....

2007-09-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

Before I get into the events of the day… Please remember all those who died and all the families who lost loved ones on this tragic day six years ago.

Six years ago today, I was sitting in my office and heard a commotion in the hall – my co-worker’s wife had just called because she was watching TV and just heard that a plane hit the WTC. We all thought it was a terrible accident. I called my mom to see if she knew – during that time the second plane hit and everyone tried to get to news sites on the Internet to find out what was going on. All the web sites were already jammed and we couldn’t get anywhere, even though we were on a T-1 line. Someone put on a radio. We found out that the planes that hit the buildings were passenger planes. I pretty much lost it after that…

I don’t remember exactly when we found out about the Pentagon and the other plane that crashed in PA. I lost it again when an IM popped up on my screen from a friend – it said this:

“I think Bob is dead!!”

Bob worked across the street from the WTC and no one could reach him on his cell phone. Thankfully, he is still alive.

When the towers finally fell, I was in the back area of our office building, with everyone else, listening to the description of them crashing down on the radio. I was looking out a window as it happened - just staring out and listening.

One of my duties that week was to post certain emergency information on a hospital web site – one of the company's clients was a major hospital in the NY area that was treating many from the WTC.

I was glued to the TV for days.

May such an atrocity never happen again. May we never ever forget.

I debated whether to wait until tomorrow to post anything else. It seems odd to talk about 9/11 and then go right into follicle counts.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I mentioned that I had a total of 16 follicles, 8 which were on the bigger side. Four of that 'Big 8' were on the larger side, and it seemed as if the smaller four from that eight may not catch up, which was the optimal situation – 4 mature eggs releasing for the upcoming IUI. I was excited to see where things stood this morning.

*Sigh*

Here are my current ‘Big 8’ follicle sizes:
Right: 13, 13, 12, 12, 12
Left: 15, 13, 12

Oh, now come ON!! Why do they now insist on all catching up to each other!?

Arrrghhh!!

My poor RE, who did my ultrasound this morning instead of the assistant, just sighed as he took the measurements and said “These couldn’t be any closer together.” The look of concern came across his face, just like last month. I don’t have to cancel the cycle at this point because even though the sizes are so close, they are still small enough that we still may be able to get half of them to get bigger and not all eight. Plus, my RE said my previous estrogen level was not outlandishly high. So, my tentative protocol was 100 gonal.f and the ganireli.x tomorrow morning, though he said he really wanted to look at my blood work results in the afternoon, and I would be notified if anything was to change. I go back Thursday morning for another follie look-see.

He also said my current uterine lining measurement – 6 – was a little thin. Isn’t it supposed to be at least 8? Or maybe it’s still early? I didn’t ask him to elaborate today for various reasons, but if it is still low at my next appointment I will ask for more details.

I was pretty sure by the follicle sizes, before he even said anything that I probably wasn’t going to take my trigger shot tonight for a Thurs. IUI. It looks like it may be on Saturday, which actually would work very nicely because I won’t have to even think about scheduling work around it.

While I would prefer not to have a little army of follies all the same dang size, I was very happy to find out they at least still existed. See, this morning, I thought it would be a neat idea to work myself into a frenzy over nothing.

Here’s what happened: I took the gonal.f and ganireli.x yesterday as directed. However, I got the bright idea to check my cm this morning – for what reason, I don’t know – and expected to see the ‘you’re close to ovulation but not quite yet’ type. Instead I got the ‘Hey, you already ovulated’ type… you know, white, clumpy, not stretchy… (TMI?)

I had a minor heart attack. I panicked. I thought ‘Oh no, I didn’t administer the shot right and I OVULATED YESTERDAY FRICKIN’ EVENING!!” This is all going on at 6a.m. I actually debated whether to go jump on sleeping DH and attack him, then figured if the cm was already at that stage it was too late and there was no point in frightening the poor man at that hour. I didn’t have time plop in front of the computer and start plugging in terms to see if cm changes were a side effect of ganireli.x. I tried to tell myself that that had to be the case – that in preventing ovulation, it probably also changes the mucus. Then I thought “I took the shot in the morning on Sunday and didn’t take it until the evening yesterday – maybe I took it too late and by the time I took it I had already ovulated!!!! %$!” Now, my RE had said to take it in the evening, but I then thought perhaps I misunderstood, or he had thought I had administered the shot on Sunday later than I did. Oh my was I worried until I saw those dark spots on the ultrasound monitor.

I did ask the RE today about the cm thing (left out the details - he still must have thought I was a real genius) He said that the ganireli.x would affect my estrogen level and that the decrease in estrogen would cause the cm to change.

Note to self – forget checking cm while taking injectibles!

I received a call from one of the nurses later in the afternoon. Apparently my estrogen level is dropping quite a bit (ah HA! More confirmation on the cm issue!), so instead of just one dose of 100 gonal.f and a dose of ganireli.x tomorrow morning, it’s 125 gonal.f and a shot of ganireli.x tonight and tomorrow night.

May those dang follicles cooperate!

Football and Follies

2007-09-10T20:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I actually stopped thinking about follicle size for a few hours as I watched football and concentrated on seeing my favorite team lose (arrgh!!) DH and I both love to watch football and once the season starts so does our Sunday ritual of going up to our favorite hangout nearby to watch a game, screaming a lot at the TV, and jumping around high-fiving everyone when something good happens. People we haven’t seen since the Superbowl are there too - it was like football reunion day yesterday. So there were some mood swings going on yesterday, but all related to football. :)

My ultrasound this morning gave me a little encouragement. The reduced dosage of gonal.f seemed to have the desired effect. I have a total of 16 follicles, but eight are small. Of the eight bigger ones, 4-5 are very similar in size (around 12-14) and the other three are enough smaller that my RE doesn’t think they will ‘catch up’ to the others. (to recap: RE doesn’t want more than 4-5 follicles releasing, fearing I’ll suddenly become Fertile Woman and wind up with triplets) Sooo… he said I was to keep gonal.f at 75 and to continue the ganireli.x., but to wait for confirmation after he reviewed my blood work. He then asked me if I would be fired from my job if he asked me to come in tomorrow. I said no … (luckily I can just go in a little early and skip lunch) So I go back at 8:45am on Tuesday. Later in the afternoon, one of the nurses called and told me that after reviewing my blood work, RE wanted me move the gonal.f shot back up to 150.

I am guessing that the IUI will be on Thursday or Friday, depending on the ultrasound results tomorrow. The feeling of a little hopefulness that I had early Saturday (before I started feeling like crappola about everything) came back today, especially after the encouraging ‘follicle farm’ update. I also greatly appreciate the comments I have received – they help too. Thank you. :)

Not much else to report... I am having one side effect from the injectibles (I assume it is related to the inectibles anyway...) which is very irritating. I have not decided if I should post about it - of course, technically I am posting about it since I just mentioned it. Oh I don't know - I'll decide later!

Not Much

2007-09-08T17:27:00.000-04:00

Two shots this morning (I'm getting to be an expert) Felt hopeful about this cycle this morning, now feeling the exact opposite. What happened??

I might be irritating.

2007-09-07T14:01:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a newbie.

As I obsessively read other IF blogs (which have really helped me maintain my sanity - and has anyone noticed that these blogs (this one not included!) are almost always witty and eloquently written?) I almost feel like I must come across as a real ignoramus, since I have so far been through nothing compared to most. I hope my ramblings here don't come across like a whiney brat who is complaining because hasn't gotten her way immediately. Do I sound like that? If I do, please let me know - while I won't particularly enjoy hearing that, I would rather be told than to continue to write posts that irritate anyone who may stumble across this.

I mean, I'm screaming about paying for medication - how many have read that and thought 'Oh boy, you're yelling about that? Haven't you heard about IVF?' I posted earlier that I've never seen a BFP - I'm sure some might think 'Yeah, would you rather have that and then miscarry? Then you'll have something to complain about!'

I know I have things to be thankful for - but I am still scared, worried, apprehensive... terrified...
I was beside myself the day I started this blog - started it shortly after I knew the last cycle was a bust. I felt, and still feel like there is something wrong with me - just wrong wrong wrong. If I start thinking about it I start to get teary eyed (very embarrassing when you're at the gym - I'm sure people wonder what the hell I could be crying about on a elliptical machine)

Well, as I was writing the above, the RE's office called.... change in procedure. I guess my bloodwork came back with some interesting results. Not sure what, the nurse did not say, but I am guessing at least creeping LH levels. instead of taking 115 gona.l f tonight and tomorrow and skipping Sunday, I am supposed to skip tonight, then take 100 tomorrow morning, then 75 on Sunday. I also need to take the ganarelli.x. I'll be interested to see what's going on with the marching follies on Monday.

The March of the Follies.

2007-09-07T10:49:00.000-04:00

15 follies. 8 on the right, 7 on the left. About seven are on the smaller size. Of the bigger eight, six are all very close in size, and the other two are a bit bigger. This is similar to last month, when my RE had me trigger a little early so that all the follies did not release, just the dominant one or two and maybe one or two others. Well, obviously I’m not pregnant, so RE thought (as do I) that there was the possibility that I wound up only releasing one egg, maybe two. Soooo… in the quest to produce four eggs, I am supposed to reduce the 150 gona.l f to 115 or so (there is no exact measurement on the pen for that amount to it’s an estimate) for tonight and Saturday. I then skip Sunday night and go in Monday morning to see what’s up in my mini follicle farm. Hopefully, the lower dose will allow the big two to keep going, as well as just two of the other six.

And to think that I knew nothing about follicle sizes a few months ago.

I may also be taking ganireli.x, depending on how my blood work looks. I’ll know this afternoon. If the LH is starting to go up, RE wants me to take that as a precaution so I don’t start ovulating all by myself. It’s unlikely, but I better safe than sorry!

Come on, let’s hear it for four! Four, four, FOUR!!! Not more! (oh look, a rhyme)
I am afraid if there are more than that, RE may want to cancel… though since, as far as I know, none of my stubborn eggs have ever decided to implant, (never had any type of slight BFP in any way, shape or form) I can’t imagine that suddenly, four or five will latch on at once.

Anyway, luckily, I feel fine now. This past Mon-Wed, I felt lousy – my side and abdomen hurt like mad, I had a constant headache and would become nauseous for no reason. I assume it was the injectibles, though last month the only thing I noticed was a very achy side and abdomen… or should I say an abdomen that felt like it had a grapefruit sitting in it? Oddly enough, I never had one side effect from c.lomid, except for a terrible case of acne the first month I took it. I was very surprised because I read many blogs and message boards where people had such terrible side effects.

Oh well, back to work I guess…

Ps….FOUR!!!! (maybe five, just in case!)

Real Quick....

2007-09-05T18:29:00.000-04:00

Well, the follies are plugging along. Oddly enough, I have been having pain on my left side but it's by right side that has more follicles. I think everything looks similar to last month so far - RE asked me if it was ok to be rather 'aggressive' this cycle.... ok, hmmmm..... let me think... uh, YES???!??! He then said he just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. More later, walking out the door at the moment....

It's the Weekend (what an unoriginal title)

2007-09-01T09:35:00.000-04:00

Yay, the weekend! It's Saturday morning and I'm waiting for Fedex to deliver 'the goods.' I have some left from last cycle so I was able to start poking myself with needles last night.

My appointment yesterday did go fine - everything was normal. When my RE came in, he looked genuinely puzzled - was surprised to find me not pregnant. I said 'Well, I guess we don't have to worry about multiple births!' since he was extremely worried that too many eggs would release last cycle and I'd wind up with triplets. In fact, he had me use the trigger shot slightly early because there were about 5 follicles at around 14 (along with two others around 16 or 17 I think - can't remember exactly). He envisioned all of the 14's marching along to become mature and release. Ha, maybe if I had waited and released 7 eggs, one of the darn things would have met up w/ some of DH's boys and I wouldn't even be writing this right now.

Anyway, RE was also glad, and slightly surprised that everything had 'cleared out' in my ovaries - he thought that since I had responded 'so well' to the injectibles that there was a possibility of some 'residual' - I guess he means a cyst. (I'm still a newbie in many areas - please bear with me). Yeah, I responded wonderfully to the clomid too. My HSG was 'beautiful' according to the Dr. who performed that. Ok, so my ovaries love fertility drugs. My ovaries love to ovulate, especially my left one. DH has super boys who can get the 'whole block pregnant' (a quote from his Dr.) Soooo.... shouldn't I be pregnant?! Oh wait, am I just on the wrong block? Let me run over to the pregnancy block.....

Now, I realize that I am very lucky to not have the many problems other women experience - so I shouldn't whine. I know in that respect I am lucky. It's just since there is no explanation, I'm frustrated, and I have this feeling that there must be something else - something else wrong. I have read about immune problems and wonder if there is some issue with that. I kind of asked him if there could be something else going on, and he said that there is always that possibility but he just really didn't think so. Last month's cycle bust was still very well in the normal range of things 'just not working' - you know, even in a perfect cycle, there's only a 20% chance of conceiving, etc. My RE was very highly recommended - he's been in practice for over 20 years and developed one of the first successful IVF prgrams in my state. I do like him, he does listen, he takes time to talk to you and such, so I do trust his judgment, but.... I am still going to read up on the whole immune thing. It can't hurt.

Of course, I shouldn't worry since this cycle will work - right? RIGHT?! (trying to find positive attitude - I know it's here somewhere...)

Anyhoooo... ok, so it's the same level of gona.l f as last month (150). Still concerned about my fertility-drug-loving ovaries pumping out too many eggs (hey girls - how about just generating a good one? You know, quality over quantity?!) RE said he did not want to increase the dosage. My next check-up is Sept. 5.

Happy Labor Day to all.