Things I've Been Thinking About

Some blogs I have read in the past day or so has reminded me of a few things I've been wondering about on and off. So, if you read this and think 'Hey, this sounds like something I just mentioned in my blog!' well, yeah, I probably read your post and it got me thinking.

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs.
2. Posting in other blogs.
3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle.
4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's?

1. Reading IF blogs that have announced BFPs. Understandably, there are mixed emotions when you see your blogging buddies, especially ones cycling at the same time as you, receive BFPs, and you don't. I've been there, though maybe not totally, because my failed cycles were IUIs and perhaps the feeling would be different/even worse if it was an IVF cycle. I don't know...though I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like - see number 3. Anyway, at one point last fall, I just stayed away from the whole blogging thing, thus the lack of posting here from Nov-Dec. When I was around, I did keep up with some BFP blogs, but I have to admit, it was hard. And I felt guilty at the time about it, because I was happy for all of those women, but yes, I was jealous. I say I felt guilty 'at the time' because now, currently being on that 'BFP list' I don't blame anyone a darn bit if they stay away from here, which is why I'm not surprised that most of my readers are now gone. I'm amazed that anyone is still reading this. Maybe it gives people hope, but I'm sure it also hurts people. This also leads to my next thought...

2. Posting in other blogs. I currently do not post comments in any IF blogs unless I have already posted before so they are familiar with me. I'm not sure someone who is in the middle of cycling wants to click on my profile, go to my blog for the first time, expecting to see a post about infertility and be smacked with "woo hoo - look at my u/s pics!" However, does it bother anyone who is familiar with my blog, when I post comments in theirs, if they have just dealt with a loss/failed/canceled cycle? Meaning, is it hurtful in any way? If so, I'll refrain from commenting, and will totally understand.

3. The feelings of a failed IVF cycle. I did experience, for half of a day, what it must feel like to have a failed IVF cycle. And NO, I am not equating that with those who have had failed cycles - just saying that I do have an idea what it feels like. Honestly. Those who have been following my blog may recall that I was sure this past cycle had failed on the day of my beta, and I would have canceled the beta had I not wanted to go in to let them know I wanted to get the next cycle started asap. I really did have a post ready that day about my feelings about the failed cycle, which I never posted only because I wanted to conclude it with what I would be doing next, and I was waiting to hear from my RE's office. The title of that post included the word 'dead'. I was bitter, and strangely numb. It was like, once I finished freaking out early that morning, my emotions shut down. I felt like I would never cry again (and I cry pretty easily), and I started thinking of the next cycle in a very unemotional, clincial sort of way. When I read of others' failed cycles, I think back to that day, and the feelings are still very vivid. I'm sorry that anyone ever has to feel like that.

4. Hindsight - should I have gotten pregnant in my 20's? I know many of us who are in our mid-late 30's or 40's may wonder if we waited too long to have kids, and 'what if' we had started earlier.' I've thought about this, and DH asked my during my last cycle, would I have rathered had kids years ago (assuming I wouldn't have had problems when I was younger) if I had known I would be infertile? At the time he asked this, I had not received any 'positive' news yet. I said honestly, no. First, his question was also very interesting, because we were still dating during my teens and very early 20's. (yes, I dated DH many years ago before we went are separate ways for about 10 years) Maybe I should have just stayed with DH way back when and had kids! I thought about that and still my answer was 'no.' I wasn't ready to marry DH then - I don't think it would have worked, which is why we parted ways back then! I would always wondered if I settled down too early, we wouldn't have become the people we are now - we might have split, not been good parents, for all I know I may have been selfish and wound up resenting getting pregnant early! Who knows! We grew as people and somehow found our way back to each other. (boy, that last sentence sounds sappy)

But what about after we parted ways, when I in my late 20's/early 30's? How about the years I did have another long-term boyfriend? Looking back, I am so happy that I did not settle down then and have kids. I can't imagine now... just can't fathom the idea of having married someone else and having their kids. Argh! All in all, I don't feel as if I made the wrong decision by waiting for the right person before trying to have kids - and again, I felt like this before I had any idea that my cycle may have worked. Not everyone meets the right person when they're young... technically I did meet DH when I was young, but it was too young.


Just stuff I've been thinking about......